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Original poster

Ex H knows I have been out with another man

223 replies

Pinkchampagne · 01/10/2007 00:26

He got DS1 to phone me on my mobile tonight, then got DS2, then spoke to me himself, asking where I was (he could hear background music), to which I said "Out with a friend"
He said "Put your friend on the phone then"
I told him it was none of his business who I was put with, and he laughed, sating "If only your boys knew"
He then text to say "Give him a kiss from me"

I know he is going to be a real git about this now, and worry he may get more difficult about having the boys so freely.

I know it shouldn't bother me, but I was quite shaky after all that.

OP posts:
MeMySonAndI · 01/10/2007 13:18

If there is something you should mention to your parents before he doees is that he had an affair and now, that the marriage is over, you are following her advice and are moving on.

(If I remeber well she advised you that last time you call her to say you were not to Florida (or the organising dinner)

Tinkerbel5 · 01/10/2007 13:35

PC dont feel guilty you can go out with who you like, your ex only got b1tchy about it as he is probably hurt, I hope that he dont start playing mind games with the boys and if he dont have them as freely then its only them he will be hurting not you. I would mention it to your mum and say that you have met a lovely man and you have been out with him and you really like him, if she dont like it then tough

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 01/10/2007 13:37

He didn't have an affair (to my knowledge), but did all kinds with a barmaid, who also happens to be a parent at the school, the second we separated, and claims she wouldn't leave him alone!
He was living with my parents at the time, while waiting for his house to be built, and I chose not to mention anything to them at the time.
With this in mind, he really has no right to be funny with me, but I bet he won't let this drop, and will probably make some comment to my family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 01/10/2007 13:38

So I really feel I should maybe mention something to my mum before he does.

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prufrock · 01/10/2007 13:47

PC - if you do decide to tell your mum, please please please try to be positive about it. "Hey,Mum I'm feeling so great now - I've met thsi wonderful man and he is treating me brilliantly and whilst I'm not at the stage where I'd want to introduce him to the kids, I wanted you to know how happy i am", NOt, "Mum, i know you and Dad aren't going to like it but I'm goi ng out with someone"

VeniVidiVickiQV · 01/10/2007 13:51

PC - you are a big girl now.

You belong to nobody. You are answerable to nobody.

Except your boys. Going out on a date is a really positive thing in your life. Dont let other's potential/childish reactions to it spoil it for you.

Dont you deserve to enjoy yourself?

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 01/10/2007 13:52

I was just thinking of saying that I had been out on a few dates with a man who seems really nice.
I wouldn't make it like a terrible confession, because I am not doing anything wrong!

OP posts:
lou33 · 01/10/2007 13:53

then dont talk to them like you are making excuses to explain your behaviour

just tell them matter of fact, and dont feel bad about it

you have nothing to feel bad about

VeniVidiVickiQV · 01/10/2007 13:55

"how was your weekend?"

""

"oh lovely. I had a good weekend too, I went on a date - it was great. I had a really good time. I think the boys have noticed that it's cheered me right up too"

Tinkerbel5 · 01/10/2007 13:57

yes PC tell her before your ex does cause he is sure to add on a few bits along the way, be proud that you have met someone so nice

StarryStarryNight · 01/10/2007 13:58

PC, why, if he is playing happy families with your mum and dad, and this is causing problems for you, are you protecting him regards this barmaid? Is it really in your interest to keep quiet about that? Why not tell your mum the truth about your marriage, and his escapades with this woman to stop them from seing him as such a saint?

Tortington · 01/10/2007 13:59

i'd say nothing. no ones business but mine.

if paents said something - i would day - not your business.

i seriously don't know why you entertain your paretns at all.

lou33 · 01/10/2007 14:01

i do think it is about time you consider distancing yourself from your parents, seeing as they always seem to be siding with your exh

Blu · 01/10/2007 14:05

I agree with everyone else, PC.

Set the tone for the whole thing...

"Went on a date...not in a relationship...fun to meet people...It's good to know exH will understand because after all he had his thing with barmaid...ooh, really, did he not mention that to you? Oh well, it's not as if these things matter anymore is it? I was fine about it so I'm sure he will be too ..."

Is there any access agreement about when he sees or has the boys?

Blu · 01/10/2007 14:07

And he might not know, he was probably just testing to see if you were, do you think? Not that is is his business - tell him or not, depending on how you feel.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 01/10/2007 14:27

Think he feels pretty sure, and I didn't admit nor deny anything.
I don't want to get into a big discussion with him, as it isn't really any of his business, but I didn't like the way he was behaving last night, and bringing the boys into it.

The man I was out with said that my face totally changed colour last night, after his calls.

I will mention something to mum when she is on her own.

I see loads less of my family, but it is hard to cut yourself right off from your parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 01/10/2007 14:30

There is no access agreement, as it is near impossible with his shift work

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Blu · 01/10/2007 15:03

It was unforgivable to use the boys like that, and I know you have good reason to be ary of what he is capable of once he feels you are slipping beyond his control.

Maybe you need to level with him - find a way to talk to him when the boys are not around and say 'I do not appreciate what you did last night. The friends I see are not your business. I also completely refuse to have anything to do with you using the boys as some sort of control over me and who i have as friends - your comment last night was out of order.' - and since he knows of the references to Sleeping With The Enemy - you could add " I am free to see who i like - as are you - and I will not be disguising myself in a blonde wig like Julia Roberts, should I ever get into a relationship".

SEt your boundaries yourself, PC - don't let him set them by instilling fear.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 01/10/2007 16:09

You're right, Blu.
I didn't want to discuss it much last night because really it is none of his business what I do in my own time, but the way he was using the boys in it all was awful.
He made out it was that the boys wanted to talk to me, which may well have been the case, but I think it was more driven by ex H.

DS1 said to me earlier "Daddy is going to stay over in this house one night"
I told him that daddy has his own house and that he wouldn't be staying in this house.
He said "There are two pillows on your bed, and daddy says he is going to have a sleepover one night!"
I really hope all that was DS1 having an over active imaginiation, and that ex H hasn't really said anything like that!

OP posts:
lou33 · 01/10/2007 16:13

change your locks pc

Blu · 01/10/2007 16:17

That sends shivers down my spine.

If your DS said it twice, with 'daddy says'...and following the evening when he 'stalked' you by mobile, I would think that exH very much said that.

To spook you and scare you and keep you under his thumb, because he knew that as likely as not, DS1 would repeat it to you.

tribpot · 01/10/2007 16:37

Me too, Blu. PC, that's awful. Locks changed at a minimum I would say.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 01/10/2007 18:30

I am wondering if it is something DS has come out with because he would like it to happen.
When I told him daddy wouldn't be staying, he said "Why, because you hate each other?"
I told him we didn't hate each other, but daddy has his own house to sleep in, and they get to sleep over there.
He then said "Honestly, daddy said he is coming to sleep over here one day"

Not sure what to make of it, but I wouldn't put anything past him. It's a bit of a worry.

OP posts:
Freckle · 01/10/2007 19:04

You need to speak to exH. Tell him that he has to be careful what he says in front of the boys as they tend to believe him. Telling them that he is coming for a sleepover is a complete lie as he knows that will never happen so he shouldn't put the idea in the boys' heads.

He will then either deny saying it or explain why he did say it. Either way, you will have made your point that it ain't gonna happen.

Blu · 01/10/2007 19:07

I think Freckle's way forward is very sensible.

At the very least, he really shouldn't confuse them with talks of sleepovers etc.