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Being a single mum is proper graft isn't it - come on in single mums (Pt. 2)

179 replies

ZigZagZombie · 03/03/2019 08:38

Shiny Fred.

I've put it here rather than Chat so we can keep it off the beaten track a little. If there's already one on Chat could some kind soul point me in the right direction please?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
ZigZagZombie · 08/03/2019 20:48

You're right. I absolutely should not have apologised for using the word "sorry" in my previous post. I'm not sorry I don't centre men.

Original thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3485045-Being-a-single-mum-is-proper-graft-isnt-it-come-on-in-single-mums

OP posts:
myhamsteratefreddiestarr · 08/03/2019 20:50

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/3528034-Lone-parent-chat-all-lone-parents-welcome?watched=1

New thread this way for one who wants to join .

Single dads
Single mums

Chucklecheeks1 · 08/03/2019 21:47

Wow

nicenewdusters · 08/03/2019 22:12

I'm pretty much with you Zombie . I'm assuming that nearly all the other people on this thread, and the previous one, are women, with the exception of Disney.

The fact that MN is predominantly female is what makes it such a good place for single female parents to share their experiences, often appalling ones, of non-resident fathers. There are inherent differences between men and women, it's not just all social construct. The empirical evidence for this is well established. This is not to pit us against each other, just to recognise that a single mother will most likely have a different set of problems to a single father. They are also viewed differently by society.

What makes Disney's situation eye opening for me is that, certainly by his work colleagues, he is being treated like a single female parent. By this I mean the remarks about his life being like Jeremy Kyle, the eye roll that he has to juggle his working hours around his girls, the general lack of empathy.

I've yet to see in real life any really good examples of men taking a 50/50 approach to the children when a relationship ends. What I do see is many women, often left much worse off financially, career wise, in terms of their social life etc. Despite this most of these women turn themselves inside out to put their children first, and try and facilitate a relationship with an often difficult and vengeful man.

OhamIreally · 09/03/2019 05:11

The reason for my (deleted) post was that in a world where female voices are seldom heard Mumsnet is something of a refuge. To find a male voice once again taking precedence I found quite galling. I complained and my post was removed, my voice shut down. Oh, just like the rest of the world then. Strident women need not apply.

TwinkleMerrick · 09/03/2019 07:44

If it wasn't for my amazing dad I would hate all men! I thought I had found a good one in my ex....turns out he is an aggressive, selfish, drug addicted narcissist. I'm so thankful to have a positive male role model in my father. He looks after my DD for 3 days a week so I can work, he helps fix thing around the house, he does drop offs and pick ups, cooks me dinner, makes great cups of tea! So not all men are bad, my dad is awesome! I think a lot of men in the world could learn a lot from his unshakable love and ability to put his grandchild before himself. I just had to put that out there xx

O4FS · 09/03/2019 09:02

I don’t think Disney takes precedence over anyone else on this thread.

I do think girls need the support of women. Many (most) men have no idea of the shit girls have to put up with. Raising daughters as a man is different to raising sons as a woman IME. If we as a group can give some support which will benefit those girls, why wouldn’t we?

And this is NOT me centering the only man on this thread. You already did that.

nicenewdusters · 09/03/2019 13:32

I don't feel Disney was centred on the thread.

Like you Twinkle I have an incredible father. He's like an unbending tree in a storm. He himself has occasionally said to me you're better of single "we're all shits!" Given he's so not a shit as a man he is my evidence that he's not a one off.

O4FS · 09/03/2019 13:55

My biggest regret is that my DDs don’t have a father like that 😔 they deserve one.

My bf has shown me what men can be. He’s a wonder.

Nelumbo · 10/03/2019 17:15

Hi All,
Good thread, I'd like to join, if I can keep up!

Single mum here to DS 15 and DD 12, for over 4 years.
XP doesn't support me at all financially and see's them when it suits him. He does not have them to stay at his, when he sees them, its at my house for a few hours or if I'm lucky he may take them somewhere for a few hours.
My parents recently moved quite far away, so I basically don't get a break. I work almost full-time...and to be honest,

I'm struggling at the moment.

I feel completely stuck in a rut, nothing ever changes.
The kids are just so lazy and won't help me around the house, and I feel exhausted. I feel like I'm just nagging constantly. The past year has been particularly hard I think as all my family have now moved far away, and I don't have any really close friends, only 'mum' friends and work colleagues. Ironically its my ex I usually end up ranting too as he Is the only person I really have to talk to.

Its really really tough, it always has been but I feel recently like I'm losing the will

eve34 · 10/03/2019 17:50

That sounds tough @Nelumbo have you looked into local single parent groups. The children are of an age they need to chip in more. And need to get on board with this. Can you discuss with them chores they can do to ease your load.

Sorry to hear your family has moved away. I hope you can gather some support around you. I know how isolating it is.

O4FS · 10/03/2019 19:33

Hi Nelumbo, FWIW I struggle to get my lot to lift a finger. Often I just give up and do it myself as it’s less energy than going on and on and on. Plus I just want it done.

Exhausting isn’t it?

Nelumbo · 10/03/2019 22:25

Thanks Eve and O4, I've tried many different ways to try and get them to do more, but nothing has worked so far. Today I've just thrown the towel in and left the house and them to it.
The worst days are when I'm ill and not even my kids give a shit.

Oh well, back to work tomorrow after another pretty lonely and crappy weekend.

eve34 · 11/03/2019 06:37

@Nelumbo kids can be selfish. And it is just easier to do it all yourself. Do you do anything just for you? A book club or class of some sort.

The daily grind can get you down. I know I'm fed up of doing the same thing day in and day out. And I'm just over a year on my own. Do you have family or friends you can go and visit. Try and break the usual routine.

8FencingWire · 11/03/2019 07:04

Hello all, I found you!!!
Got stuff to do, places to go, but I’m coming back :)

eve34 · 11/03/2019 10:12

@8FencingWire long time no see. Hope all is well with you.

Napssavelives · 11/03/2019 14:32

Just dropping in and hoping this thread doesn’t die. We are all still alive, told my neighbours today who were lovely. Always helps to have practical support being 6 months pregnant and that

O4FS · 11/03/2019 17:06

I’d like to see this thread go on too.

Am at my wits end with XH. So far he has commited to one weekend (which in reality will be one night) from now until November.

Infuriated that he lied, told me he was having the DCs one week as per our ‘arrangement’ (which is the most absolute bare bones of an arrangement I could have proposed and still he doesn’t stick to). I booked some time away. Now he’s said today he got it wrong and can’t have the children.

I am beyond furious right now. Such a massive fucking bellend that man.

8FencingWire · 11/03/2019 23:15

O4, at least he tpld you in advance. Mine announced 2 days before i was due to fly out, laughing down the phone, that he is not my babysitter when I jet off to sunny myself. It was only a long weekend.
I’ve been since, just didn’t tell him. But ever since, I stopped asking him when he wants to see his DD. I just TELL him. He is furious about it, but only because he can’t mess me around anymore.
I booked this year’s holiday with DD and didn’t ‘consult’ him. HE wanted to take her that week. Tough shit mate, she’s on holiday then. She’s off for 8 weeks, pick one of the other 7 and go for it. Not good enough. He wanted THAT one. Well, tell you what, you’re having her for the one but last week in August then. Not convenient for you? Then you won’t go on holiday, simples.
Not long now before DD will refuse to see him at all 🙄

OhamIreally · 13/03/2019 06:34

04 that's awful does that mean you won't now be able to go away?
My ex cherry picks holiday time and I tend to just work more when DD is away but with a few evenings out. Invariably I fall ill though as I think that I'm running on empty most of the time.
You've offered contact and he doesn't want it but I suspect he would quickly complain if you said contact wasn't available.

8FencingWire · 13/03/2019 07:25

Oh, it’s happening. DD stood up to her dad and told her no. He made plans, as usual, disregarding basic common sense, plans I knew nothing about. DD informed me: he wants to do X, he is nuts, I’m not doing it, but I don’t want to confront him, can you tell him? So I did, I texted him: cancel your plans, she is not coming. He completely disregarded me as well and attempted to go on to which DD said very calmly: no, I don’t want to. Apparently he lost it and blamed it all on me, I am poisoning her against him, I am crazy and manipulative etc.
My poor child. She stood there and didn’t even engage, didn’t explain it is her wish not to come, just repeated calmly: I don’t want to do it, dad.
She is alright, she had the support she needs, she talked to me at lenght about it. She said there was no point in explaining him it’s got nothing to do with me (and it genuinely hasn’t).
Bless her heart, she shouldn’t have to be put on the spot like that, and used by her own father. But she’s learning to stand her ground. I wish I could protect her from all this misery.

eve34 · 13/03/2019 08:40

@8FencingWire It is hard when they don't cooperate. Ds had show down with his dad which resulted in both of us being told to F off. And that I was manipulating him. And was a hypocrite ( don't know where that's comes from).

Ds hasn't seen or spoken to him since. I felt awful that ds was in that situation but he stood up for himself. With my support. And was listened too. So I hope in some way was a life lesson for him.

We can only control how we parent. They show themselves in poor light by behaving this way. And will wonder why the children want nothing to do with them later in life.

I have had an awful nights sleep. And a day yesterday filled with thoughts of ex. Need to think happy thoughts and not let my mind wonder there.

8FencingWire · 13/03/2019 08:56

Eve!! Long time no see!!!
How are you? I’d really like to pay you and your allotment a visit sometimes! Have you started yet? I grew up on a farm, I can dig with the best of them if you need a hand 😂. Failing that, I’ll just have some courgettes please 🤣
I had a bit of a breakthrough through counselling re exH, something has shifted in my head as a result. Which is great, but I still have a long way to go.
I took DD to school this morning and it made me happy. That and to see all the daffodils in bloom, quite a sight!

eve34 · 13/03/2019 09:11

@8FencingWire glad to hear you are feeling more upbeat.

The allotment is a community project so you would be welcome anytime to get stuck in. My plot is current under cover. For a few more weeks. Then we are planing Brussels. And potatoes.

TheOrigFV45 · 13/03/2019 09:19

No sign of Disney. A shame if he feels unwelcome here.

I'm doing OK.
DS2 had his first contact with his Dad since May at the w/e. It went OK, but he completely unravelled on Monday morning, I think he got overwhelmed with his emotions. He's OK now, helped by an amazing teacher at school who is trusts and can confide in.

I am so, so tired. Not sleeping well at all. The 1/2 dose sleeping pills help a bit so I'm collecting another fortnight's worth of them today.

Had a cold and not run for over a week (unheard of), but have been swimming so I am keeping myself zen enough to cope with everything.

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