Being a single mum is proper graft isn't it - come on in single mums (Pt. 2)

[ZigZagZombie]

Shiny Fred.

I've put it here rather than Chat so we can keep it off the beaten track a little. If there's already one on Chat could some kind soul point me in the right direction please?

8FencingWire - I hear you.

It’s awful when they put the DCs in that position.

XH uses the DCs to meet his needs, but isn’t interested in parenting them. He wants to ‘spoil’ the DDs, but doesn’t make them shower, clean their teeth or sleep when they are with him. He is spending this evening with DS1, but DS2 and DD1 have to be dropped and picked up from activities. So as ever, he gets the best of it.

It’s been four years since we split. I had to hold back the tears when out walking the dog this morning. I’m furious, frustrated and angry that years on I still feel he is continuing to abuse. Still controlling, holding power, still manipulating the DCs.

I know he is pitiful, pathetic. He has nothing of any value in his life. But I take no pleasure from it, I am just so fucking angry.

TheOrigFV45 Still here, just lurking. I'm too much of a chatterbox, so I do understand the sentiment. so less post, more read. Thanks for being thoughtful.

O4FS & 8FencingWire I do get what you are saying, mines behaving like a stereotype ATM. Told the dds that they couldn't go to two events they are really looking forward to because my X didn't want to do it Actually said to them that it had to be cancelled, to them not me. WTF Good way to alienate. I am just gobsmacked by it, just don't get it. Zero self aware, full on self centered. Meh!

It’s exactly that. Complete lack of any awareness.

Just ‘what about meeeee’.

It felt like I was right back there today which really upset me. So we’ve had loads of treats and have rugged up in front of the TV.

The thing is, I have spent a lot of time trying to shield my DD from all this, from his twatiness. And it has always been at my expense, I had the sleepless nights, the overtime, the worry. It took a lot of headspace. All this thinking: how to do best by my DD, how not to anger him so he doesn’t take it on her etc.
As I was saying earlier, something shifted in my head in counselling. Yes, I am still putting DD first, but I stopped doing his share of parenting, stopped protecting him and his image, basically stopped facilitating him as a parent. If he thinks being how he is with her will come to anything good, he is very much mistaken.
Oh well.

Feelings very broken and tearful this morning, struggling to pull myself together and hide it from the kids.

So sorry Naps. Can you take it easy today? You’ve such a lot happening. Are you able to take a day and start again tomorrow?

I’ve dragged myself out to meet friends for coffee but worried I’m just going to cry on them. I don’t want to be the misery guts. Kids are seeing their dad after school so I’m on my own until 6. Going to listen to podcasts and do some house jobs, I know that’ll make me feel better long term. I was so angry at my ex yesterday, hated his guts and in good spirits that I could do this. Today I feel low.

Your friends will want to help and won’t mind one jot if you are sad - they know and understand you are unhappy - and it’s no bloody wonder!

Nothing worse than feeling helpless when a friend needs it but won’t let you help.

This is their time to step up. We’d all do the same, we’re all shit at asking for help. I wonder if, as single parents, we subconsciously feel we have something to prove? I suspect I do. I’m really crap at accepting help/crying on people’s shoulders, but my arms are the first to offer hugs and mugs of tea.

Consider this a virtual hug and a brew x

Allow me to vent.

I HATE stomach bugs. Part and parcel of having a child, I know that.

What I really hate is the fecking chatting and drama and telling everyone about it.

If DS gets a bug I shall deal with it, but I don't need to know who in his class has been sick. It doesn't need to be on FB (already hidden the usual suspects) or WhatsApp (muted some groups).

It's like people can't wait to spread the grim news.

[gets off soap box]

Found this thread again thanks for part 2

I really really cannot believe what I have heard tonight. My X has been telling dd2 that I don't love her. WTF. This is a whole new level of nastiness. There is saying shit to me, but this is beyond reproach. Y'know I get to hear loads of whiney blokes whine about not getting to see their kids. This is the reason why. I think I've nearly experienced every play from the NRP areshole playbook

NRP arsehole playbook.

I can't have them
I'm not paying you to sit around and get your nails done
DD needs new shoes (no offer to purchase)
I'm not helping with homework on my contact time - this time is for us to have fun.

I wish I had nails to get done all chewed away

I also wish I knew how to counter it and I wish they could see the harm and damage they do.

Just wishing my life away here

You counter it by being the best parent you can be, teaching them good values, making them feel secure, that their feelings are important and modelling how to be a decent human being. You need to value yourself, take care of yourself (i’m rubbish at these but working on it) and be kind to yourself (and everyone else).

You don’t counter it by spoiling them, indulging them, over-compensating (my choice for many years) or putting the shitty parent down (I fail on occasion here too).

It’s fucking hard work but we are all up to the job.

Remember Disney, you are the man that sets the standards for your daughters.

One day it hit me HARD that someone like XH wouldn’t be good enough for my daughters. So why did I think he was good enough for me? They deserve so much more than him and it breaks my heart that they don’t get it. I really worry about how they will have healthy relationships as adults (mine have all been fucked up thanks to my parents until I got to my mid-40s and counselling).

I regret they don’t have that Dad. But also acknowledge that without him, I wouldn’t have them. So I do my absolute fucking best.

Bit ranty and furious. Apologies. Been a tough week.

Hi All,
Been another pretty tough week, I'm exhausted. I had restricted the kids screens as they are just not helping with anything or even picking up after themselves! and I've had enough. So of course I've had some rudeness and back chat. I have quite a close relationship with my DD and I'm worried that will become less specially at her age but I also cant let her laze around like she does .

Also me feeling down defiantly has a negative impact on them. I've really tried the past few days to be happier but its very hard when they still do the same old same old stuff everyday I've been asking them for a very long time not to do.

Of course ex doesn't have to deal with any of it as he comes for a few hours once a week now, and doesn't really do much with them. Fortunately we are getting on ok at the moment, mainly because I bite my tongue about money, time he spends with them etc. I've had years of arguing about these things and its makes no difference, so what's the point anymore.

I don't have anything I do for myself, and I know I need to work on this. I have 2 or 3 friends that I go out with maybe 2 or 3 times a year, and I'm lucky to have a fairly close friend at work who I share an office with. I think things would be a lot worse if I didn't work.
I guess I'm feeling quite lonely now, specially as the kids are older and locked up in their rooms most of the time.

I would really like to move but it always proves pretty impossible as a single parent

Found myself self nodding along with everything you said there Nelumbo. How old are your DCs?

I find mine disappear to their rooms. Youngest not so much, dreading it when she does to be honest. But it’s not far off.

I've held it together all weekend. But now I just want to climb into bed and cry myself to sleep. I never wanted to be a single mum, I don't have anyone to talk to. I'm so scared of the future and how I have to coparent with a man who has broken me. I feel like a total mug, after years of supporting a man who has so easily left me and our baby DD to fend for ourselves while he parades around with OW. How will I ever get through this?

Hi, I'm a newly single mum. I have 3 pre school age children. My STBXH is a nightmare and he is going to make my life hard and miserable until the day one of us dies. He is abusive, narcissistic, unhinged, an alcoholic, a drug abuser and nasty. He tries to blackmail me with money to get his way. He is petty. He treats the children badly. He thinks this is all my fault and he is faultless.

I work FT (I have to) as he made me sign a pre nup that effectively means I'm financially screwed. He is very well off. I have no family here so no one to help and I have to move out of his house with the children.

Last night to make sure I know just what he is about he came over to the house (that I got a Court to allow me to reside in until I can move) to collect things/ see children and he went and took meter readings because "he won't be paying for these things". He is currently living in my flat. He doesn't actually pay me CM yet. And of course I only have the heating on and hot water working for my comfort, not for his children or anything.

I struggle to not spill over with hatred. I have to remember he probably won't ever have unsupervised access to his children and that for me the win situation is my children being with me happy and safe. For him the win is saving face and keeping every penny he can. Hope the money can give him a caring hug and a blow job.

Just marking my place in this much needed thread. Thanks for having me.
Too tired to read too much of it at the moment. Got to sleep.......

Evening all. Sorry to hear of people's struggles.

I have spent the weekend with ex's parents. He hasnt been for nearly a year so I took the kids to visit. They are lovely people and very disappointed in their son. I try not to say too much. He is still their son after all. But I get upset that him leaving has caused so much. Upset for others.

@TwinkleMerrick it will get easier in time. But it isn't an easy transition. It is horrible feeling like you aren't enough. We deserve better.

@O4FS and @Nelumbo my eldest slopes off now. Although few more years with my youngest. But I feel your pain. I have some good friends. But don't feel up to socialising. I know deep down I need to start trying to meet someone else. Although how I'm not sure as ds refuses to go to his dads. I do believe that part of the healing process is for me to start a relationship and hopefully have feelings for someone new. So if anyone is down south. I'm happy to meet new people 😀

I feel for everyone - really do I don't understand why ex's have to be like that. But as the section 7 reports stated, mine only "has a superficial understanding". Wow, that was a damning statement - still, I should have done sympathy, it was my and the dds' fault.

I'm trying something new this morning, dd1 is taking dd2 to school, it's a small change but should have a big impact on our morning routine. Except it's now messing the dogs up as they've got confused.

I'm worried about dd1s MH, she's getting bullied at school, school refusing, self harming, cries in the evenings and isn't looking after herself - a perfect storm if depression is brewing. I'm waiting on seeing the principal, a CAHMS referral and other stuff.

I need to sort out Easter holiday stuff that's on my immediate horizon now. Every week feels like a challenge

No work for me today as DD has a stomach bug. 2am this morning changing bed sheets and giving lots of cuddles. I actually don't mind as she isn't normally a cuddly baby.

I only went back to work in January and already had 3 days off, 2 because I've been poorly and now 1 for DD. I feel like I'm drowning in sadness after relationship breakdown. Debating getting signed off for a couple of weeks just so I can get my head sorted. Feel like I'm wading through mud everyday. I wanted a family so badly, but I didn't want it like this. I don't want to deal with my ex and it hurts that he can just walk away from us and move on so quickly.

Oh the plus side, i seem to have more money now as he was a total waster and crap with money. His new women can deal with his 30k debt now

@TwinkleMerrick - I hear you re wanting a family so much. My heart breaks and mourns for that. It's all I wanted. Work is hard - I think im covering well but I wonder that I'm not coming across as a bit scatty at the moment.

@disneyspendingmoney - cafcass will be doing reports with me soon. No idea what to expect. Feel nervous about it but I'm hoping they might get what I'm dealing with and then the court can put in place proper boundaries.

I feel like this man is going to make the remainder of our lives miserable and everything that is wrong with him will be my fault and I will be punished accordingly. Surely leaving me alone with 3 small children, destroying my and in part our kids dreams and futures and throwing me into a position of never being able to rest or relax is enough?!