Being a single mum is proper graft isn't it - come on in single mums (Pt. 2)

[ZigZagZombie]

Shiny Fred.

I've put it here rather than Chat so we can keep it off the beaten track a little. If there's already one on Chat could some kind soul point me in the right direction please?

LondonSouth28

Cafcass is Ok bit lightweight, they listen to what you say and then go and corroborate it against police, GP and Social Services if they can. Mine was just a phonecall, ex ignored the call so they didn't get to talk. I will say it was honest, but didn't touch on the mindfuckery of the relationship, more just the practical aspects of the breakdown. As there were a lot of agencies involved with the children, there really wasn't much for me to say to Cafcass, and the removal of my ex was being done at the request of Children's protection service's. So my involvement was just a tick list I guess

It’s just shit sometimes isn’t it :(

Oh, the level of headfuckery!
I have a child free weekend. Manged to have DD in tears over the phone. Told her she can come home no problem. Her dad made her feel like shit even further and although initially she said she will come home, later called and said she isn’t then promptly burst into tears: mum, I don’t know what to do!!
I went round there and gave her some sweets and a hug, had a little chat, reassured her I love her, that she doesn’t have to choose etc.
However, I am turning the table. You don’t fuck with my kid’s head like that.

@8FencingWire that is so sad. I'm sorry that your dd is in that situation. It must be so upsetting for you both. If her dad had brought her home it would of built the trust she clearly needs. But they don't see it like that.

I don't know how much longer I can cope. I keep having mini meltdowns and feel like I couldn't give a crap about anything. But then I might feel a bit more positive a few hrs later because I know that if I stop giving a shit how much of an impact it will have on my children so I sort of false myself to be strong again, but these phases with the feeling so low are becoming more regular and I don't know what to do anymore.
Nothing ever changes in my life, how do you be happy when you have tried so hard already?

Sorry to hear all the issues people are having with their exes, it's fucking hard.
My irony is its my ex's fault I'm in the position I'm in, but he's the only person who checks I'm ok

@Nelumbo what support do you have around you. And how old are your children. Do you get some respite. Have you seen your gp? Or looked into counselling? I'm sorry you are struggling. Reach out to people and let them help you. Keep talking. It helps

@eve34 I don't really have any support, like I say ex is the only person I have to talk to really. I am luckily to have a friend to talk to at work, its usually the weekends that are the hardest.
My DC are 12 and 15. and they do sweet FA to help me,

I don't really get a break as the children's dad doesn't have them to stay or anything, at the moment he comes on a sat or sun for a few hrs, never a whole day, doesn't really take them anywhere, just ends up hanging around really. I'm done arguing with him about the situation as its never going to change..

I think I might have to think about going to GP,, but I'm hesitant for work related reasons.

If I could move I know I would be happier but I have no idea how I'm going to do it and its the wrong time as my DS will be taking his GCSE's in the next few months and I have no idea where he is going to end up in September, but I also need to move before my DD gets too far into high school.

@Nelumbo You have to do the right thing for all of you. And maybe the move would put some boundaries in place for your ex.

If your son finishes school this summer then that isn't too far away to start making plans.

Do go and talk to your gp. It is nothing to be ashamed about you are dealing with big life change. If it was a bereavement you would get advice. I had counselling through a local charity. It was £10 a session. It gave me a safe place to just ramble.

12/15 is difficult age. They don't go to bed early. But also don't really need you either. Hope you can make some plans together. Maybe days out over the Easter break.

It is exhausting. The responsibility of everything can be overwhelming. I try not to think to far ahead.

Are there any single parent groups locally to you. I found a good friend through a Facebook group.

I really don't know what when on with contact today but, I've now got two fucked up girl's who have told me most of it. If ex's intention was to pit them against me, it's gone disastrously wrong. I've never seen them this fucked up.

They are so angry, both of them and they are taking it out on each other. Stop this psychological warfare, stop this trying to make them choose sides. I went through this as a kid and no one wins.

Hello, how is everybody doing?
My DD demanded we get a take away pizza last night. £15 for a pizza!!! I said no, sorry. But I felt awful afterwards. Still, £15 is the food budget for half a week, she’s already had dinner, she just fancied a domino’s. She made me feel awful for saying no to her.

Morning all. @8FencingWire how old is your dd? With my eldest I explain I have £40 a week for spends. So if we have a day out. Or meal it has to fit the budget. It is horrible saying no. Before ex left we were in a very fortunate position. After a year without child support I'm flat broke. But think it is valuable life lesson ds knows bills come first. Then we use what we have more wisely. And we have to save for big things.

Morning Eve. She’s a teenager, with a good head for finances. She’s normally really good, bless her, that’s why I felt like shit, she rarely asks for anything. But from time to time she’ll do this, through no fault of her own, we all fancy a little treat sometimes. I just felt that £15 is a rip off and I said no. I had puff pastry in the freezer and made her pesto and cheese twisty sticks, she seemed happy with that.

Pesto and cheese twists. Sound fab.

Woohoo! Exciting day today! I have actually received some maintenance (which I believe has been collected by CMS). Only took 11 months!

@MissB83 don't go spending it all at once.

eve34 well yes I was planning to go out and waste it on fripperies, not as if I need it to keep my DS in shoes!

Feeling it today. Woke at 5.30am so thought I'd get some work done. I could have wept when I heard DS2 trundling downstairs at 6am.

He's in a snippy mood and I'm trying to keep things calm but just want to yell "stop doing the xyz if it's making you so angry". I don't cos then he gets cross. I try and get on with things but he talks and talks and talks and asks so many questions.

He's getting angry with his homework.

I have an assessment due in on the 5th April, but need to have it done by the 2nd for logistical reasons. I basically have NO time w/o DS, apart from maybe a couple of hours on Saturday evening when he's staying with his Gt Aunt to allow me to make the long trip to Southampton and back to collect DS1 the next day.

bla bla bla

In CMS news, I am to get £109 a month from ex.

I'm asking the ex to pay maintenance monthly instead of weekly, simply to reduce the amount I have to chase/talk to him. I swear he doesn't pay me on purpose, he has enough money to take the OW out, drink and take drugs but can't afford £30 a week to help feed his baby DD! I hate how he has moved on and forgotten us so quickly. I'm signed off work with anxiety only 2 months after going back after mat leave because I'm struggling to get over how he has treated me and can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I love my DD but I feel like I'm doomed to a lonely existence filled with worry and dread.

Sorry to hear you are both struggling. @TheOrigFV45 is there anyone who your son could go on a play date with for a few hours so you can get some work done. I tried to return to study. But had to give up. Doing a few hours here and there didn't work for me.

@TwinkleMerrick they like to tell people we nag. And keeps us in our place when we have to chase them for money. If you can I would say. I expect a months money in the 3rd of each months. Otherwise cms. Although cms are a pain once it's sorted you have nothing to do with nrp. They are the go between. Even though I'm expecting less money than we agree once the arrears are all clear. I would rather that than be over a barrel to ex.

I seem to have a very small win at the moment. dd1 has stopped self harming (for the time being). I said to her no matter where you are if you want to do it call means I'll listen to why you want to do it. It's been a bit if a bugger in meetings or lunchtime gym etc. But last night, she showed me her healing arms and legs and handed over a pencil sharpener blade saying "I don't want this"

@disneyspendingmoney that is fab news. Hope your dd is getting outside support too. It is a big burden if it all on you.

eve34 Yes, CAHMS referral, really good GP's and a few other agencies. So we're slowly moving forwards, just have to watch out for set backs

disney that is a massive step for your DD. She's being very brave and strong and you helping her to feel she can to that.

eve I do have good friends and some family who help out and of course I use childcare, but I can't keep asking. I use a lot of favours when I have work commitments (including overseas travel where DS2 stays with a friend for over a week at a time), so it's hard to keep asking just so I can study.
One day I hope to be able to return the favours.

TheOrigFV45 & eve34
Thank you for being supportive, I'm hoping she'll (both of them actually) learn to seek help and advice dealing with problems rather than internalising them. She has enough with school bullies, a pastoral head who "doesn't" understand the home situation and an ex who is really messing with her feelings by upping the levels of parental alienation and toxicity.

On the upside though,I got a promotion and payrise at work yesterday - how I've managed that with all the mess over the last year, I have no idea.

@disneyspendingmoney that's is great news. Hope you can do something to celebrate.

You can only do what you can and be the best patent you can be. The girls will know who put the hard work in as they get older.

My ex has made no contact with ds for 4 months now. The last conversation we had in jan. Was that he needed to step and be seen to make an effort. And has done nothing. I am sitting on my hands. Tempted to message him and ask him what his plan is. Don't think it's up to me to though.