Separateddads.co.uk - OMG!!!!

[NooNooMummy]

Incitement to hatred if ever I saw it!!!

Now I know where all the hatred, bile and illogical behaviour comes from! (Take a look at their chat forum...)

Or is it just me that thinks it's full of misogynistic hatred for single mothers?

I’ve looked on there before, I have to say I believe the system, courts, cafcass, and society in general being so heavily stacked against men is what they’re angry at.
As someone who has been victim to horrendous false allegations in court and the rhetoric of “my child” and “return child to me” fuels the frustration.

There are many posts on here from women who are distraught at “losing their child” to 50/50 and they have been given overwhelming support and sympathy. Can you imagine what it’s like for a man to be classed as a visitor to their own flesh and blood?
Before securing joint residence I lived every day in a cold sweat wondering if the next false accusation would mean I’d lose my child completely, because as a man it is a very real nightmare.

If you’ve ever been asked if you’re babysitting your child to give dad a break you’ll know the humiliation.

I have to say there are equally hateful comments here against men. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could bridge the gender gap in all areas and have some compassion for each other, if only for the kids.

Absolutely!

But there are some shocking posts on there - asking how to reduce maintenance, asking how to get around allegations of dv (not all of them can be false allegations) and answers like 'just claim she's abusive to you too, go to your gp and say your v stressed by it, as we know, details don't matter...' and hilarious posts from guys claiming that they're doing nothing wrong for not wanting to pick up their own children from school cos they have to work (so, errr, the mother should just rearrange her work schedule instead then...? ) and saying things like 'I just emerged from my cave to say hi to the kids and she shouted at me! (Maybe cos you're in your 'cave' oblivious to the fact that it takes more than just 'hi' to be a dad.....

Mostly it's hilarious. But probably v damaging 'guidance'

Hilarious?
This is mostly the reason I come to Mumsnet, Im fascinated with how two people can look at the same situation and see different things.

I saw a post in which a guy had lost everything and was considering ending it, the guys were banding together to try and work out where he was to help.
I saw a post by a man who had caught his wife cheating, she had an occupation order on him kicking him out of the house and moved the new boyfriend in with their children there. He ran out of money paying for the house and bills and had a few days left before he was homeless from his bedsit and they were trying to help him.

Many people here claim EA and DV and then proceed to be very aggressive about "their rights" I wonder if all those can really be true?
If a woman claims DV she can get free legal aid, therefore the claims of dv has shot up substantially.

If I could get one thing across its this, as a man I have no safety or security, I dont have the option of benefits, theres no housing for me if things get rough. Jobseekers allowance at £30 a week [?] is the most Ill get. On top of this because its not exactly 50/50 despite nearly bankrupting myself to get there for our child, I pay maintenance to my ex. This, despite the fact I buy everything from school uniforms and trips to food for our child. I dont want to ever be homeless but its losing my child that keeps me up at night.

There really is two sides to every story and yes there really are some selfish and spiteful people out there.

But until someone has faced the very real possibility of losing their child to false or embellished claims of EA or DV I try desperately not to judge anyone on any site.

If there was equal support and treatment of mothers and fathers then maybe we could concentrate on the perpetrators of DV and safety for our children regardless of whether it was a man or woman.

Many men have been treated very badly in divorce. They lose their kids and home. I'm not surprised that some of them are very angry and bitter. 50-50 custody should be the starting point in every divorce in my opinion.

It is interesting to see both sides.
But there are definitely some posters on separateddads who encourage lying to courts! That's shocking and not something I've ever seen on Mumsnet.
And the hilarity comes from reading the posts of guys who list their really horrible/ rubbish behaviour but are totally oblivious about why their behaviour has resulted in their partner dumping them. (Sorry!)

But there are definitely some posters on separateddads who encourage lying to courts!

But isn't it a similar situation with other (female) internet sites? The amount of posts about the evil ex, divorce and child maintenance speak volumes.
Personally I have to smile, because in the end it takes 2 to tango.

I think the point is when have you ever heard I am a crap parent so don’t see my kids.

Absolutely never .

I don't think it takes two to tango. It took my ex leaving for ow and choosing to see his kids eow and pay CMS minimum. I had no choice in becoming a single working parent juggling everything. I actually agree that 50/50 should be the starting point but judging by the look on my exs face when I suggested it and by the many many posters on here in similar or worse situations with crap, uninterested ex partners who Disney dad 4 days a month or less I'd say its not always the mothers with residence that are preventing it. Obviously there are many many examples of every permutation of crap from both genders but it irritates me when a thread about x situation gets instantly derailed to point out that y happens too. It does yes, but do that on another thread.

When a man wants to talk about child alienation there's always someone who will say "what about deadbeat dads?? Why can't we talk about men who don't bother see their kids?" It's really annoying.

Where is the forum?

It doesn't take two to tango. Usually there is just one parent who is not interested in raising his own kids or one parent who is trying to prevent her ex from seeing them.

Ive had a closer look today and cannot see anything that encourages lying?
With DV claims so prevalent I can see lots about how to defend against it.

Besides, I completely agree, it takes two to tango.
I often see posts and think to myself, you met him, you went on a date, you started a relationship, you moved in together, you married, you had kids together and spent possibly years or decades together, and now all of a sudden they are EA? thats not to say there are some real assholes out there, and genuine victims.
I think we could all take some personal responsibility for our actions but for Gods sake leave the kids out of it.

Do you think its only a certain type of people on these forums? maybe everyone else is out there getting on with separation and lone parenting quietly.

50/50 starting point? Why is it so many men want to parent equally after divorce?

Oswin,
I cant speak for other men but in my case...
I was fully involved since the day our child was born but in the interest of transparency I will admit that regardless of how much I physically did, I wasnt accountable for the parenting. My ex insisted on everything being in her name, being the primary point of contact etc. In my nativity I understood that motherhood was a big part of her identity, I didnt argue, I went along with a lot of her decisions for her benefit, not mine, and not childs, and not because I wasnt capable of such decisions. When we separated the whole dynamic changed and now I am solely responsible for my child when in my care. Now there are two completely separate parents.

Can parents who are together, really be truly equal? I know in my case attempting to be truly equal would have caused world war 3.

Parent 999 you really don’t understand ea , dv .

Of course conparenting is the ideal however that only works when 2 people want to work at it.

It’s also not about whose name is down as point of contact . I am a cminder the parent who is contacted is the one who can take a call if necessary or can collect .

What is different us partners echo show no interest in their kids and suddenly want 50/50 how is this on the best interest of the child?

You come from the point of someone who is interested there are many who use access as something very different .

This thread is a far cry from the 'I believe you' ones.

Embellished dv. What a crock of shit.

I've yet to meet a father genuinely prevented from seeing his children by a bitter ex. They squawk it plenty but it's their own doing.

My ex hasn’t a clue about parenting, he can barely have ds eow, if I suggested 50/50 he’d refuse. He’s paid very little towards his son and has never had to pay anything towards child care.

He has the benefits of having a son without any of the responsibilities

" 50/50 starting point? Why is it so many men want to parent equally after divorce? "

Why wouldn't they want to parent equally? Weird question.

50/50 starting point would really help, I think.

And watch the dads run... (What excuse would they come up with then for not seeing their kids? 'She won't let me se them' and 'She's accusing me of DV' wouldn't quite cut it anymore...)

Embellished DV is when she threw a coffee mug at me, it glanced of the side of my head and smashed the door window. She claimed in court it was me who threw it "in a fit of rage and temper" Ive barely raised my voice to her. Theres plenty more like that.

Im not denying there are dads that didnt care before the separation. Im just very cynical because the second we split and my ex realized I wasnt coming back she suddenly changed completely. She immediately started this rhetoric of "my child" "allow you a little contact" "return child to me" as if I had borrowed her screwdriver. She lied and manipulated, she spread rumors and said the same things, "I didnt care before the split" "I was working away" [when in fact I was working from home but the office was in London]
I was shocked at how quick people were willing to believe it. It was systematic and calculated.

Im just here to try and understand this guys, clearly there is a lot of anger on both sides.
Let me ask you this, I want to get my childs hair cut, its a right state. My ex doesnt consult me so do you think I should consult her?

Is a haircut really worth discussing in the grand scheme of things? Particularly if you're facing false accusations of DV which are preventing you from having regular contact with your child? Maybe that's where you're going wrong...?

I believe parent999 ex

I secured a joint lives with order last year and I had to defend against these accusations.

My point is, do you really want your ex to take an equal role? Hypothetically, if he were the perfect parent would you be ok with him cutting child’s hair without consulting you?

Why would you not discuss it?