Separateddads.co.uk - OMG!!!!

[NooNooMummy]

Incitement to hatred if ever I saw it!!!

Now I know where all the hatred, bile and illogical behaviour comes from! (Take a look at their chat forum...)

Or is it just me that thinks it's full of misogynistic hatred for single mothers?

I gave to say that that is very much the reasons why I have difficulties with the defenders if seperated dad's. It's not black and white about 50/50 time. It's not facing the nuanced reasons of why the seperation came about.

it's not comprehending the economics of being a single parent, the difficulties nurturing and supporting children growing up. The NRPs 50 isn't about going swimming, playing Xbox, footie club on a Saturday morning and generally being Disney about bringing up kids. There is a whoke fucking reality that needs to be faced. My X lives in a la la land and loves to tell people how hard done by she is. Zero thought of the impact on the children

I also hate this damaging assumption that 50/50 just automatically equals great parenting. Job done.

So damaging!

Separation often involves a lot of dysfunctional relationships and often parenting leading up to the break up. This is not recognized and can often then become worse I find. In the household where one parent is coping, the other not, then after separation the not coping one is left to their own devices as a parent without the balancing effects of someone more on the ball.

That’s why I think we have to think of 50/50 so, so carefully. It isn’t enough to love your child. You need to provide so much more, stability, financial, guidance, wisdom, patience, maturity.

My Ex still moans about ‘not being let to be a father’ and would tell the world how bad it is for him. Yet he’s never even bothered to provide a bedroom for our son. Or attend a school play or sports match. Or ask me once how our son is. Because he sure doesn’t know!

Truthfully I’d have loved to have had an Ex that provided good parenting and had more time to actually father rather than indulge our son. Who wouldn’t?

@nevernotstruggling I appealed it but the nursing service said that they have to take the no vacc request over the vacc request as it's not taking an action which the other parent hasn't consented to. Again, not in my son's best interests. If I say A ex will say B to control. Sad thing is he gets away with it. He does things like this a lot. Thankfully my son didn't become seriously ill will the flu that year.

• Bananasinpyjamas11" Well said

I'm not saying false allegations are NEVER made but I'm willing to bet they're extremely rare particularly given the known stats on dv alone and other abuse (EA, financial, sexual coercion) is much harder to prove.

My life experience has been that many of the men who CLAIM they are being prevented from seeing their kids are outright lying - we saw that with fathers for justice.

My ex tells people I stopped him seeing dd and that he was a fine upstanding example of a father. The truth is even when we (dd and I) were still in walking distance he couldn't bother his arse to walk 10 minutes, he'd turn up drunk and belligerent to take care of a 2 year old? As she got older he continued to cancel last minute, requested swaps constantly, didn't do anything with her when he did have her (didn't find that out till she was older), didn't listen to her or take an interest. We moved back "home" to my parents town which he kicked off about, but he didn't appreciate that I'd no support network in the town we were in when we split and he'd no ties there either and could be posted any time and indeed was just a few months later to somewhere that was actually easier to travel to from where I moved to, if I'd stayed put it would have been murder! I bent over backwards and organised, paid for and did the travel for her to go and stay with him for large parts of the school holidays, during which she was largely ignored and only given the same amount to eat and drink as her much younger half siblings resulting in her losing weight when with him which she could ill afford. As she got older (but not old enough - not yet 12) she was used as a babysitter for the younger ones too.

When dd discovered all I was doing to facilitate her visits to her dad in her early teens she asked me to stop. She wanted to see if he'd make the effort. She'd also always been the one to call/text him to this point and she took a step back on that too to see what would happen. What happened was...nothing. He didn't call or text, he didn't ask me after her, he made no arrangements to see her didn't even ask for school holiday dates. I gave in the first couple holidays and made last min arrangements but it was expensive and awkward and dd was miserable. He hasn't seen her now in 6 years - purely cos he can't be arsed to organise himself.

He refused to pay any maintenance until csa finally caught up with him (was in a well paid regular job - army), even when they did he fought it all the way. Begrudged every penny even though the amount calculated was nowhere near half the costs of raising her even on my limited budget.

Even birthday and Christmas she'd get only token gifts while her half siblings were getting games consoles and designer clothes galore. I'd have sucked up the lack of maintenance if he'd at least treated her fairly on things that instead made it obvious to her that she was seen as inferior.

Try explaining to an 8 year old girl who's visited her dad and his family and seen that her half siblings ALL (3 of them at the time) individually got their own games console and designer clothes and other expensive gifts when all she's been given is a hand me down knackered mobile phone and primark clothes, that her dad doesn't hate her!

He's blamed me plenty of times, said I turned her against him. I wouldn't do that but even so I didn't need to be was perfectly capable of doing it himself and he succeeded.

I'm also minded of the other separated parents I know and very few of them the dad has played fair, sees the kids a reasonable amount of time, gives them quality attention in that time and pays maintenance without quibble. In fact out of over 40 I can count them on 1 hand! That's men of all ages and backgrounds.

The only men I know who have been actively prevented from seeing their kids are abusers - proven in court - but they lie to those who weren't around at that time. It's all lies - yea cos people get convicted on no evidence all the time 🙄

That's another thing we saw with fathers for justice too men who claimed they were being unfairly kept from their kids when they were violent thugs not allowed to see their kids as they were a danger to them.

So no, I don't believe the majority of these men bemoaning their situation on that site are genuinely hard done by.

" So no, I don't believe the majority of these men bemoaning their situation on that site are genuinely hard done by. "

Just because your ex is like that doesn't mean every man on that site is like your ex.

I made it clear in my post I was NOT just basing it on my ex but on a wealth of life experience.

That includes male friends of mine who've tried to claim to me their ex's are being unfair when I know they've pissed them and their children about and the female ex is just acting in a way to protect the children from the damage this does. And yes I called them on it at the time too!

However the website is not to give ‘good’ exes balanced and sound advice. It stirs up I’ll feeling, conflict and is complicit in bad behaviour and attitudes.

Most mothers are not evil people not letting Dads see the kids and spending maintenance on jewellery.

However many men who are high conflict after separation were high conflict in the marriage.

Yesterday a teacher went and told my 13yo, who has only been 13cfir 2 week all about 50/50.

This same teacher attends the children's protection conferences.
.Thus sane teacher didn't bother to find out the individual and outs of the child arrangement order prohibited steps order and contact order.

And more to the point didn't speak to the social worker or to ne about what they were going to say or wait for the outcome if the child protection conference.
.Even better thus teacher sat by my side know full well what they had said to my DD just 1 hour before and didn't bother to inform me.

What a peice of work

This is the first time I’ve dared post to forum like this, after a long marriage and with 3 kids to a man who became increasingly dependent on alcohol and other women, i decided enough was enough. I never wanted to be an LP but that’s what happened. At first he was very fair and accommodating until meeting a new partner. Then all of a sudden I was a bad person, a greedy cow, I didn’t deserve the roof over our heads and stability of regular and sufficient maintenance. There was some DV from him during the marriage and this reappeared when I wouldn’t ‘conform’. I had to call the police many times after we separated, he wanted to drive the kids around whilst drunk and did t know why I was upset?!! He also ended up being physically abusive to dd, so they all made their choice to stop seeing him. Enter parental alienation allegations galore. Overnight I was the devil himself. A year of CAFCASS and court ensued, brought by EXH. He then had no contact and eventually lost his case to have 50/50. Currently has no input at all and hasn’t for a full year. The kids witnessed his abuse to me during the marriage and he is not a good role model despite the facade. I know for a fact he’s consulted separateddads.co.uk website and reading some of the posts makes me feel physically ill. He’s found a way to pay half of the maintenance he should for the kids, has zero contact, I’m £9k debt paying for legal help because apparently the legal system in the UK think that my part time wage can fund expensive lawyers. I n the end I had to self represent which was terrifying. I am exhausted caring for 3 young teens doing clubs, (the only thing NRP says he misses is proud parent moments ) 🙄 one has extra needs meaning many hospital visits that I also have to fit in. Part time wage does not mean automatic legal aid, I’m sorry but I have no sympathy for some of these men complaining. I’d love to swap places with one for a week. They’d run for the hills. I can’t even find time for even thinking of meeting someone new. I feel like my insides and brain have been ripped out and put back in me in the wrong order. Not to mention the counselling the kids needed after the court process. It broke my heart to hear them say they didn’t want dad in their life and being put through CAFCASS hoops. It all boiled down to money. Some men/women just cannot see by hurting to RP they hurt the kids.

@disney that’s awful. A so called responsible adult in your child’s life in a position of authority?

I think it goes to show how pervasive this view that 50/50 is automatically in the child’s best interests. To the extent that anything less is viewed with suspicion. I just don’t know when we are going to grow up and separate whilst giving children a stable, supported home life. Which most often is good maintenance and low conflict, one main carer and one main home.

Bananasinpyjamas11 It's an annoyance, and has opened a can of worms for dd1 that needed to be dealt with gently. Not the way this one did. The mere fact that they dumped crap without knowledge of existing court orders shows a level of incompetence that is breathtaking or it was done out of malice. Either way I'm now dealing with a confused kid.

I'm seeing my lawyer to see if anything can be done, I doubt it My X will revel in this and I've had to show dd1 the actual orders.

@Seahorse07 I understand the difficulties you have been through an how you feel it's tough. Stuck it out here you will find a community that will support help and advise

Thank you, it’s been a very rough ride for me and the kids 😖 I’m trying to look forward not back. I’ve a feeling the EXH is going to continue with his tyrant like behaviour in some other way, I will be needing advice!

Argh! Currently in the middle of proceedings and terrified by the potential chaos that might be unleashed for my DD by well meaning third parties who don't have all the facts or the time to wade through everything that's happened.

Disney - this is exactly what scares me
Bananas - spot on
Seahorse - I hear you!

Anecdotally - been meaning to record this for some time - I know my ex has received some of the really damaging 'advice' shared by the likes of the separateddads site: Long story short: marriage ended, I asked him to leave, he did, then he returned a few days later saying that he was entitled to live in the marital home. And he immediately began the bizarrest behaviour I've ever experienced- I'm not going to go into too much detail in case I identify myself but his behaviour was antagonising, physically threatening, deliberately annoying and totally bizarre - unwanted bear hugs were the least of it and it was all extremely upsetting as I was trying to keep things calm and stable for our DD who was witnessing it all. Looking back, I don't know how I managed to get through those few weeks. And it was only when a relative visited and insisted that I remove my DD and myself from there that we left. And then I received a phone call from the police because they wanted to interview me about a physical assault that my ex had just reported to them - apparently, I'd attacked him. At the time, I put his bizarre behaviour down to his anger, upset, stress about the end of our marriage. Having read separateddads recently, I am now convinced that he was following the advice to 'report her for DV before she does it to you cos she'll get a non molestation order and occupation order.' Fortunately, I was able to disprove ex's ridiculous claim against me. But the damage done by putting me and our DD through those weeks of fear and utter confusion, was irreparable.

I don't doubt that my ex would have done something equally misguided and cruel without such advice - it takes a special kind of idiot to actually think that such advice is worth following - but I do sometimes wonder how differently things might have panned out of my DD and I hadn't been put through that.

...and I think he returned to our home and behaved in the way that he did, deliberately to try to get a reaction from me that he could then report to the police. I really don't know how I got through those weeks and what damage has been done to DD having witnessed it. And to realise now that this is a tactic encouraged by separateddads just blows my mind.

Yes he was gaslighting you to get a reaction from you, I had all that too, in the beginning after we broke up, I can’t give too much detail either on here. If ever you need inbox me, please do! I’ve spent a lot of time in court!! Exh even tried to threaten to sue me for defamation via a Sols letter (a total fabrication as zero evidence I said anything about him) he spread lies about me that I had convictions to mutual friends, again more lies. Also his solicitor in court even asked the magistrate for full residency of the children 🥵 suffice to say none of his tricks worked out for him but the damage to our family is irreversible and things can never be amicable ever again. I sometimes wonder how we ever had a family together. I don’t recognise the monster he is now, but he probably was back then I just couldn’t see it. Even though we aren’t together he’s determined to make my life hell and the sad thing is there’s absolutely no need. He’s moved on says he’s happy so I just want him to accept his financial responsibility for his kids and try salvage something for the kids sake.

*NooNooMummy"

I understand your situation and I know how it feels

horrible

It will be tough but you can get through it

I’m so sorry about your stories. Disney I hope it blows over, I know you know your situation best, if it were me I’d be honest and clear with my teenager, that 50/50 would not be in his best interests and that the teacher didn’t have a clue about the context.

Noonoo that sounds utterly terrifying. Separation is tough, but the ramped up conflict sounded unbearable. You lose any kind of relationship as parents for your kids, who ultimately lose out in such selfish defensive conflict. Not your fault.

That is exactly the worst thing isn’t it @seahorse the irreparable damage to any co parenting. There’s simply no way back. Sounds awful.

My Ex didn’t do anything as bad, but I tell you fathers4justice and separateddads or similar have a lot to answer for - my ex definitely got riled up with very aggressive support and advice from somewhere - and it was all about making me out to be a monster, and all about how he’d been prevented from being a Dad - even though in less angry moments he’d admit he’d not ever been a good parent and that I did a great job.

Still, he spent years regularly having a go at me, telling our son I was responsible for everything. Once screaming that I was a bitch outside my sons school. When j forgot to pack one item of clothes he sent me a vitriolic email 2 pages long saying I was an unfit mother. I stayed near him in order for my son and him to have a close relationship, however he’d miss days, muck as around, turn up at my house whenever he liked, use it as his primary address, shout at me in my own home. When he refused to take our son for a few hours when I became quite ill, I realized I was going to collapse if I didn’t get more help.

I moved town just to get some family support and it got worse - even though I traveled and paid for all contact - it was never enough. I tried keeping contact, and having lunch to keep the peace. I tried not once complaining if maintenance didn’t arrive. When he said it would have to stop for a while because his work dried up, I said not to worry and instead took out a loan. And never once, did he ask me how things were going with our son, go to a parents meeting, attend a medical appointment or school event. Instead he’d forget to get our son to brush his teeth, to eat properly or change clothes.

What has happened to these men?

It’s not like they are monsters, we saw good in them to marry them and have children. And yet I bet that your exes, like mine, are still seen by their friends and family as good fathers. How does society prop them up like this?

Bananasinpyjamas11

It's not just the special interest groups (more like selfish interest groups) like seperated dads etc it's lawyers too. My all female legal team while absolutely excellent had to be throttled back on the agressive positions. If the had there was my X would have had zero contact and zero parental rights. The fact that my X did not comply with any orders issued by the judge at our second court appearance only served to make them more agressive.

This has a knock on affect, it could have made me more beligerent but the children's advocacy and social worker painted a different picture of my dcs feelings. I listened to them about the contact they wanted.

And then had to balance it.

But it's difficult, if your an angry man seperated dads feeds your anger and helps you to justify it.

Fuck me, I was fuming when this all went down, I was so angry but I could not let my anger colour the dcs relationship with my X

That is a very good point @disney it’s so easy, when we are in a fairly emotional and angry state after separation, to buy in to the culture of war. Lawyers do it, special interest groups do it, friends and families do it. We draw up the battle lines, get our troops and then fire. It’s a testament to you that you didn’t do this.

I too did try not to fight too. I didn’t bad mouth Ex to my family. I didn’t get courts involved (although I know this is the only way for many). I gave Ex more assets than I needed to legally, I accepted lower maintenance, because I thought that peace was better than money. I still visited his family out of respect. So it was sad that in later years, I had to reverse some of that in order to defend myself. And I wish I’d gone to court in order to have some fairer and consistent contact!

Mediation is an attempt to encourage more collaborative decisions, yet it hasn’t gone far enough I think. Perhaps we need to all be sent on courses after separation. Learning about what is best for the kids, and seeing good examples. With much better balanced information?!

Now I still try and keep the peace, but it’s by no contact and by not facilitating contact (my sons relationship with his Dad is not my responsibility), and making sure I do challenge any nasty comments that come through my son - in order to not have him alienated from me.

I hope that your situation is not unbalanced too much by the teachers comments. It’s a very very tough job bringing up a child on our own with an antagonistic Ex. It is then parenting on our own, as we don’t have anyone to support us or even acknowledge that we are shouldering a massive burden.

I just discovered this morning that X has contacted the DC's dentist and changed address. Again another poor play from the toxic parenting playbook. Except, dentist's being a regulated and GDPR, means that this gets recorded, and my legal team can show that this behaviour is unwarranted and the court can then move to sanction.

But what does it achieve, more fuckupery for me and the kids, it's evidence of poor mental health and reasoning. And all this does is feed the self centered it's not fair monster rather than being reasonable and sensible.

I've now got to setup up cash for my lawyer to send to my dentist s copy of the orders and a letter stating not to do this in the future. It's more a war of financial attrition too.

No one is saying 50/50 is ALWAYS the best option for a child. Why do people keep saying this? EOW is not always the best option either.

I'm sure there's some bad advice being shared at Seperateddads.com but it's good there's a place for men who can only see their kids a few days a month. I would be depressed and angry too if I could only see my kids EOW.

The website in the post seems to push 50/50 strongly, and several posters have too. All without checking whether this is really in the child’s best interests. All assuming that just seeing more of Dad is in the child’s best interest - and the number one priority - above maintenance, security, lowering conflict or good co-parenting.

Why would you be depressed and angry EOW? If your children were more secure and happy this way? It’s about the child, not adult entitlement. My Ex is depressed and angry that he doesn’t see enough of his child. He gets LOADS of sympathy for it. The reality is he just doesn’t want to do what’s best for his son. And he doesn’t bother to see him half the time anyway. And he’s abusive to me, to our son. Our son suffers as a result of his Dads aggressive attitude and poor me behaviour. He’s started telling me he doesn’t want to be like him and it hurts him very much when he bad mouths me. My experience is sadly very common. Websites like the ones above are not supportive but vindictive and pushing for war and conflict.

@disney that is just awful, low, petty and controlling. Why do this? If only to get at you. Your son just needs a peaceful environment, I presume you actually take him to the dentists so what on earth? Just stress you don’t need. At least I don’t have that. Ex just has no interest in anything like that, it’s all totally left to me and then criticised. I guess you’ve just got to keep strong and keep thinking of your own unit, and doing nice things too with DD to remind yourself that you have a positive life outside of conflict that you haven’t started.