Separateddads.co.uk - OMG!!!!

[NooNooMummy]

Incitement to hatred if ever I saw it!!!

Now I know where all the hatred, bile and illogical behaviour comes from! (Take a look at their chat forum...)

Or is it just me that thinks it's full of misogynistic hatred for single mothers?

I do all that too, and I would explain the very dire situation I’ve been in, but the differences are, I don’t get any benefits or backup. Although I am an rp I was the applicant and a man so I can’t use a child minder or breakfast club or the ex will say I shouldn’t have my child. I have someone actively working against me, hoping I fail.
This situation wasn’t thrust on me by an absent ex, I chose to make sure my child has two parents raising. And it nearly bankrupted me to do so. I’m simply saying stop treating nrp’s like scum.

I forgot the golden rule, if anyone threatens your victim hood and upsets the status quo then call them stupid and attack.

Yeah, I don't get weekends off either, I work weekends because the only employment I can find involves shift work and when they were young I could only work when they were in school or when ex had them.

Unfortunately, I didn't have the luxury of free around the clock childcare when my kids were young like m Ex-H did when he was building his career. Nor did I have the luxury of knowing the RP would be picking my kids up from school when we split. Even though I didn't have all of that, I still have to pay for 80% of their living costs because they're with me 80% of the time.

I hope if I ever split with dp I will enhance better than his ex. We ahve kids 50 % and pay maintenance. He would love to have them more/all the time and gets a lot of abuse when he tries to ahve a say in schooling etc as he's not the one with the say.
I'm not saying all dad's are great, same as I'm not saying all mothers are great either but the system with ahve is 100% biased towards the rp who is usually female

If you are RP you will get Child Tax Credits the same as women do. There is no special female benefit we can claim.

Also some men are the sahp but still loose residency if they divorce which is upsetting. Children can impact both parents career and work patterns

Love the post from@disneyspendingmoney. You're absolutely right the children aren't mums or dad's property they're individuals with their own rights and deserve to be surrounded by the most positive role models. The ones who have been there since the day they were born not someone who chose to swan into their life when it suits. Sometimes that role model who has been there for them is mum, sometimes dad, sometimes both, sometimes neither. If people put their childrens needs and wishes first rather than their own less children would be affected by divorce.

My mum was widowed when i was 11. I swore I would not have children unless i could support them by myself. Their dad could drop dead, fuck off to timbuktoo, and we’d be OK. We are OK.

I pay everything for my kids. Not once do I think about how much they cost me or think if I didn’t have them my heating would be cheaper.

I’m female. I am glad that I am the default RP. It goes against all my feminist thinking but it is probably the one thing I would not fight for equality on.

The pp who said nrp’s can get a second job- if they do that when do they get to see their kids if they’re working 80 hours a week or dropping from exhaustion.

Bottom line is in the vast majority of cases it simply isn’t possible to split one family into two, and make the same income fund two homes, two cars etc.

I kind of think that if we expect men to behave like equal parents we have to give them equal parenting rights. So on separation the female is no longer the automatic rp, and if a man wants to take on that role he must be given equal consideration. But we would need a complete overhaul in many areas- gender pay gap, expectations of male parents in the workplace, it being as normal for dads to sah as mums. We are so far from parenting equality still.

And like I said, the feminist in me hates that I don’t want that. I want to keep my parenting rights as a mother and primary carer and I am quite happy to make the sacrifices.

Frequency
nevernotstruggling

Tru dat

2018anewstart

Abso fucking lutly. Totally spot on, exactly what I was trying to get across.

Bottom line is in the vast majority of cases it simply isn’t possible to split one family into two, and make the same income fund two homes, two cars etc

I agree it's not possible but I think it should be fairer than it is. The CM baseline amounts are a joke and it's too easy for the self-employed NRPs to hide income.

While I sympathise with NRP who want their children 50-50 and are prevented (though I believe the genuine ones are vanishingly rare) I sympathise more with RPs who have to sit back and watch while their ex takes the kids to Disney Land and have a blast. I would love to take my kids on holiday but the fact is, I can't. All my money goes on lunch money, school shoes and special conditioner to stop her friends calling her Simba. There is none left for fun things. Ex-H recently told me he couldn't afford to pay for half of her school shoes at short notice because he'd just booked a trip to a five star villa in Turkey for them all. Nor could he afford to pay for the school trip because he'd just bought her a 50inch TV for her bedroom in his house.

I'd rather have 50-50 and get to do 50% of the fun things but sadly ex-H is a twat and isn't willing to give up his career or pay for childcare because he quite enjoys his lifestyle.

parent999

Would you mind explaining this further.

Although I am an rp I was the applicant and a man so I can’t use a child minder or breakfast club or the ex will say I shouldn’t have my child

I'm seriously not sure I understand the point you are trying to make.

In order to ensure the well-being and safety of your DC/s you have paid for a childminder, breakfast club and after-school club, much in the same way I do. That's straightforward safeguarding and the court would see it as such. Irrespective of what any other person could or would say, and if the other person said that in court, the judge would take a very dim view of that behaviour.

BTW what's your definition of RP, my understanding is it's the name in the child living arrangements order

don’t doubt some rp use there kids as pawns however if you believe all the bullshit fed by every absent parent you are deluded

Years ago I would have believed the whole pawn cliche. I was open minded and sympathetic to these nrp dads. After going through my own divorce and frankly being a sw for a decade now Im confident it's just misogyny and delusion. I even believed my exp for a while that his dd mother was blocking access until I realised he got drunk with the child in his care and then threatened to kill her mother. (Waves to that mother )

Yet to meet a bona fide case of this Owen business. It's a lot like rape apologist rhetoric

Funny how you never hear mothers saying 'oh he's a deadbeat and never sees the kids' and then find out they are massive liars and the man is a model sad. Funny that isn't it.

Yes the order is lives with both parents and all the legalities that come with it.
What I mean is that if I use a childminder on my days then the ex would immediately change her work and be straight back to court to say she is free she wants child those days as well. It’s my understanding the courts don’t like parents that fight for time only to farm the kids out to childminders when the other parent is free.

Although I am an rp I was the applicant and a man so I can’t use a child minder or breakfast club or the ex will say I shouldn’t have my child

Depends on the context. If the mother is able to care for them. Actually either parent. Then why should they be in childcare unnecessarily?

Exh tried this bollocks. Works abroad so no commitments when home. Was leaving the dds in after school care until 6pm when he should be collecting them at 3. So I blocked him from using that.

I speak to separating parents (individuals as I am not a mediator) regularly as part of my job. I hear very similar accounts and they are often very focused on the parents "rights" and much less on the children.

"I have a right to see my kids"
"I have a right to take my kids on holiday"
"I don't want him/ her to have access to my kids"

If domestic abuse is not a factor, then I try to refocus the parent on the children's rights. That is what should be the first consideration the child's welfare and their "right," to have a relationship with both parents if possible. The rparent may want to dismiss the nrp and not engage with a discussion, formulate a parenting plan etc. as they are angry, hurt, in shock, anxious about losing control of the situation when they are already spiralling.

They want an easy fix, that can cut out the pain of having to interact with this person who has hurt them/ they have hurt.

This includes men who wish to avoid paying maintenance, yet go to court for access, or chuck their children and ex out of the family home, women who want to change their child's name, go abroad, have a new partner adopt their child without the father's permission/ involvement. There are many people who would describe themselves as loving parents and will still act selfishly in the pain of an ended relationship.

So it does not surprise me to hear of a separated father's site full of anger and resentment and very little critical self examination.

nevernotstruggling

Fuck! that is a useful bit if information, That's never been mentioned to me by the dds SW. The SW case quite keen to know that I had provision for them when I was at work, or if I wanted to go out (chance would be a fine thing). Also I had to provide people who could be used in an an emergency..

I would be really fucked off if my X tried to use that as a weapon, to say I was being a shitty parent. But then my X did try to say that leaving the dds while I walked by X's dogs meant that I was a bad parent.

This us a whole seperated story of fucked up thinking. My X wanted to report me to RSPCA for not walking the dogs enough and at the same time complained to the dds social worker that I was leaving the dds ubatrebded while walking the dogs. These figs btw belong to my X they are not mibe Except my X's accomodation being a HMO means X can't have the dogs
. Catch 22 at work there

@disneyspendingmoney which info did you mean? Sorry am confused

nevernotstruggling

This bit

...is able to care for them. Actually either parent. Then why should they be in childcare unnecessarily...

Safeguarding isn't something I treat lightly as my dds are currently on a cpp, which their SW has said they are very likely to come off the at risk register at the next conference.

Newname12, you're a hypocrite but at least you're honest about it. You want equality only when it benefits you.

" Also some men are the sahp but still loose residency if they divorce which is upsetting. "

This is true but some people here at Mumsnet probably won't believe you.

I'm loving how so many of you have come over here to point out where we are going wrong there are many statistics showing that a lot of families split due to DV so it's not surprise the DV card gets slang around a lot

fwiw and I doubt you will believe this my ex genuinely believes he is a great dad he is however a great prick who worked and earned thousands a week but didn't pay a penny towards his kids he decided to pay less than two months out of twelve last year I worked 12 months and paid for them 12 months when I pointed out I saw on his Facebook he bought his girlfriend engagement rings and hadn't paid a penny in child support that week I was called a parasite when I found out his gf had lost all her children to care and was a violent drunk i told him to see his children without her (i never told him he couldnt see then EVER) i still promoted contact even when he messed me around i have tried again and again i even took him in my car to a hospital appointment where our child had an operation he had the audacity to sit there throwing veiled threats at me and taking call after call from her (who he claims he isn't with so I won't talk to her social worker anymore as she was supporting me not having her around our kids) now I'm going back to work full time he has suddenly dropped his weekday contact won't tell me if he can have them or not so I've got to pay for childcare I may or may not even need so yes men do get the worst of it well done you

And he still won't sign the divorce papers plus I get the privilege of paying for them too

Some people here actually think men are favoured. Would you rather be a man or a woman in a custody fight? Let's be honest here.

It shouldn't matter whether you're a man or a woman. It's about the children.

...why's it 'a fight'?

100% with @parents999

I find a lot more woman than not completely conflate their own wants and needs with their children's.

I recently read a post whereby people were claiming that once a week access for a 3 month old, at the mothers house was reasonable. I find the the behaviour of woman (obviously not all), concerning children to be quite outrageous these days.

And as for the maintenence issue, I think that probably boils down to the majority of woman referring to money (intended to improve a child's life) as 'my money'.

I also think that a mother should only be intitled to child maintenece if the father refuses to have 50/50 residency or is a danger to the child.