Separateddads.co.uk - OMG!!!!

[NooNooMummy]

Incitement to hatred if ever I saw it!!!

Now I know where all the hatred, bile and illogical behaviour comes from! (Take a look at their chat forum...)

Or is it just me that thinks it's full of misogynistic hatred for single mothers?

Nevernotstruggling - Yes! And if said women dares complain about it, she's 'embellishing' DV

NooNooMummy, if a man doesn't want to spend time with his kids or pay anything then he should be ordered to pay maintenance. Of course.

If a man wants 50/50 custody and wants pay kids clothes, hobbies and school supplies etc. then he shouldn't have to pay maintenance.

And extort your money?

I've always paid for everything. Always did. Ex contributes a paltry £30/ week. (Which is more than he ever did when we were together). So, yeah, extorting money from him has been my main aim. Not. Some of us pay our own way AND do all the childcare.

50/50 starting point? Why is it so many men want to parent equally after divorce? I agree!

It’s not about the kids. What child wants to be shunted around every couple of days?

the child’s welfare is the only starting point that there should be after separation.

Alexxx - so, on that basis, if RP does 99% of the caring, NRP should pay more?

Mine is 'she won't let me see the kids... because they point blank refuse to go as I shout at them constantly and my house is a midden which I make them help clean. She won't let me in her house to see them unsupervised because she has pets and they have a habit of dying in unusual circumstances when I'm left alone with them and also I still shout...'

I beg the kids to see him/call him/reply to his messages because I'm the one who gets it in the neck when they ignore him but I can't physically carry them there and dump them on his doorstep.

@NooNooMummy i’ve seen the emails from the EW (so have seen it with my own eyes). There’s a vitriolic rant at least once a month. This month she wants another £100 a month or he won’t see the kids during the holidays. He’s worn down by the court and all the fighting.

No doubt some dads are shit. But what about the ones who want to be in their kids lives?

My OH has never missed contact, he pays the EW £750 a month (plus all the extras on top). And apparently he’s a pathetic father and it’s a pathetic contribution.

He never bad mouths the mother. If only the kids knew how hard he’s fought to see them.

Some women are bitter. Some men are shit dads. 2 sides to every story.

I have known a few men with access issues.

Whilst the circumstances of these things are hard, without fail every single one of them acted like a twat, for differing reasons, all leading to the access issues.

Men not being interested suddenly wanting to become fathers of the year was also a strange new theme for each. Yet when it came time for things like dentist appointments and other such tedious tasks requiring time off work and inconvenience, that was always the mothers job. Puzzling.

The reason *Alexxxxx" it's not being said is because it would be the only soundbite to come out if this thread. We've all had enough experience of narcissists and manipulator's taking words out of context and then repurposing them to know better.

Read what NooNooMummy says regarding real world experience, don't base stuff on conjecture and hearsay.

Also why do people want to call it a fight, it's evidence and information placed before a judge, who weighs it up and makes a decision based on precedence. Neither of us had to do any fighting. Just some difficult discussions where we disagreed, hence the court.

" What child wants to be shunted around every couple of days? "

Bananasinpyjamas11, Is EOW parenting good for a child then? 50-50 custody usually means one week at dads and one week at moms place. Not every couple of days.

I know that this isn’t all men. However many men do seem to become quite bitter and selfish after separation.

My two best friends have exes who contributed very little maintenance, who do no parenting, just indulge or take their kids for granted, and continue to cause my friends distress. The kids are now late teens and their Dads can no longer just blame the mother for everything, those kids get wise and often don’t want to see them much. They know their Dads let them down. Maintenance is really important, being mean with it is just rubbish. Stressing the mother for no good reason is also rubbish.

The men I know with a good relationship with their kids as they’ve grown up are the ones who have kept respect for their ex wives, and don’t be stingy on maintenance or demand 50/50 when they had not interest in sharing childcare pre divorce. Even if the ex is a pain (and I know some who are too).

I don’t go personally on a women’s single mum website to just bitch about my ex and find ways of hurting him. I hope it doesn’t exist.

Parental alienation is a real world experience, disney.

@alex yes eow plus one night and other ways of keeping in touch are not shown to be adverse for the child. Whereas there are many studies showing 50/50 can be adverse for the child.

It’s not about who gets the time, it’s how best the child can continue to live their life, with continuity and security, their health, wellbeing, and feel secure in good relationships with their peers, with school, with wider family, with mum and dad.

I fear that too many times 50/50 is more about Dads ego than the child’s wellbeing.

NorthernSpirit how is the court upholding RPs behaviour?

" so, on that basis, if RP does 99% of the caring, NRP should pay more? "

If you do 99% of the caring then yes he should pay maintenance. If your ex wants to do 50% of the caring then he shouldn't pay maintenance.

I'm in 2 minds. I've been divorced and my ex was an aggressive narssasist, (known fact by many). He chose not to see the children yet bizarrely wanted to wxcersise his rights when we wanted to emigrate to be closer to family. He doesn't pay cm by choice ( self employed) We don't have to endure him anymore but the sick truth is, should he want to just suddenly exercise his rights again he'd be able to.

Having said that, he's an arse. He would still be an arse if he were a female.
I really do feel for some dads, a lot of dads in this country who really want to approach co parenting but can't due to obstructive mothers. I've known far too many people, women who use the children as weapons and make demands for money. It's always at the cost of the children.
I've been through the court system before and every rule was in my favour ( quite rightly too) however I do feel that a father child relationship is more minimalised than it ought to be in so many cases. I was at a definite advantage for being female. I do understand why though. The courts uphold nurturing as really important. It's assumed that women are naturally better at this. However times are changing. Women are doing more i.e. Work etc and men are too i.e. More hands on with kids etc.

It would make a huge difference if parents had to go through a course of mediation prior to discussing detailed issues ref children. Childcare, boundaries, decision making, time off work for sick children etc. This should also be reviewed.
If my stbeh took my child and cut his hair, I'd have no problem providing he just said, I fancy getting child's haircut today. If he did it without letting me know it could imply I'd been slack on that front or I may have already booked an appt.
The children who suffer in all of this are the children with parents who feel the desire to be in control and win.
I'd hate to be a father and just visit my child once a week/fortnight and then have to maintain this whilst some other male moves in and is there everyday. It must be incredibly tough for the motivated, great dads out there.
The system served me very well and it was absolutely for the benefit of my children. However, I'm not confident great dads are given the best consideration.

Alexxxxx you've experienced it first hand?

I am fully aware if what parental alienation is as well as toxic parenting, I've been on the receiving end of both. I'm also very careful not to expose my own feeling towards my X to the DC's. It serves no purpose and it ultimately harmful to my relationship with my dcs.

" Whereas there are many studies showing 50/50 can be adverse for the child. "

I've seen studies showing 50/50 is the best option for the child.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.todaysparent.com/family/parenting/divorce-most-kids-thrive-better-with-this-custody-arrangement/amp/

" I fear that too many times 50/50 is more about Dads ego than the child’s wellbeing. "

And I fear that too many times EOW is more about moms who want to control than the child's wellbeing.

@disneyspendingmoney last time he took her to court for breaching the contact order the judge told her that ‘he would take the children off her and they would live with their father’.

She’s been ordered 4 times to go on the SIPP course but refuses.

She knows though that (change of residency is. unlikely to happen.

Latest vitriolic rant this week told him to knock himself out and take her to court (she’s refusing contact unless he pays more money). And we all know that contact and finances aren’t related.

" I'd hate to be a father and just visit my child once a week/fortnight and then have to maintain this whilst some other male moves in and is there everyday. It must be incredibly tough for the motivated, great dads out there.
The system served me very well and it was absolutely for the benefit of my children. However, I'm not confident great dads are given the best consideration. "

This is the best comment I've seen yet.

My ex did try parental alienation with our son, always putting me down, snide remarks and making out that I was the one barrier to him being able to see his son, that it was always my fault.

My DPs ex also does this, she constantly puts him down to his kids, has accused him of not paying enough, not giving her enough, says she does all the parenting. We were the resident parents to most of the kids and she still says that!

So I don’t know, in my experience parental alienation has come from the NRP as a way to try and make themselves out to be more important, to disguise their lack of actual parenting or to excuse their lack of contact.

Men not being interested suddenly wanting to become fathers of the year was also a strange new theme for each. Yet when it came time for things like dentist appointments and other such tedious tasks requiring time off work and inconvenience, that was always the mothers job. Puzzling.

This. For clarity my exh does not have any difficulty seeing the dds. He has court ordered contact so a recognisable pattern of contact. Thank fuck. Proceedings helped enormously with the exh not being able to dictate my whole life.

I digress. I actually gave exh a list of jobs to take full responsibility for with the dds. Every single one has come back to me because he is incapable. Here is an example - dentist check ups. They are every six months both kids together. They can be booked up to 2 months in advance. When their check ups got to 18 months out of date and the surgery threatened to deregister the kids I took that job back. About 3 years ago. Exh hasn't noticed yet....

@NorthernSpirit, I accept and respect what you say, It it very true that in all this the courts have no teeth. Mines ordered not to get shitfaced prior to and during any contact, the DC's have reported 2 occasions to me, but until a major safeguarding issue occurs and the police have to be called yet again. I can do fuck all about it.

Exh doesn't even know if the kids have had eye tests and whether their jabs are up to date. He can't fulfil the slightest responsibility including watching dd2 and stopping her falling over and having some plaster in the car for when she does. He is pathetic

Here is an Oxford briefing in the summary of the evidence around shared parenting arrangements...

Research shows that the best interests of children after parental separation are most strongly connected to the quality of parenting they receive, the quality of the relationship between their parents, and practical resources such as adequate housing and income – not to any particular pattern of care or amount of time (Irving & Benjamin 1995a; Lye 1999; Moyer 2004; Pryor & Rodgers 2001; Shaffer 2007; Smyth & Wolcott 2003).

www.nuffieldfoundation.org/sites/default/files/files/Would%20legislation%20for%20shared%20parenting%20time%20help%20children%29OXLAP%20FPB%207.pdf