Separateddads.co.uk - OMG!!!!

[NooNooMummy]

Incitement to hatred if ever I saw it!!!

Now I know where all the hatred, bile and illogical behaviour comes from! (Take a look at their chat forum...)

Or is it just me that thinks it's full of misogynistic hatred for single mothers?

Disney spending money- yes being RP is hard, but would you seriously not have chosen it? If your ex had wanted to be rp, would you have fought him?

Most men don’t get the choice. Divorce by it’s nature usually reduces the amount of contact an nrp has.

My brother for example. They weren’t a well off couple. So the rp kept the house, car, most of the assets, as splitting them would have meant selling the family home.

Db in a bedsit. Not possible to do overnights. Paying child support, struggling to fing money to take his kids out diring contact time because the bedsit wasn’t suitable.

He would much, much rather have stayed and been rp. He was advised by a solicitor he wouldn’t have a legal case unless he could prove his ex unfit.

If you imagine your relationship breaking down, being told you have to move out of your home, try and make your wages stretch to support yourself and give 25% to your ex, and oh you can only see your kids eow and a couple of weeknights.

I’ll stick with the hardship of being rp and still getting to putting my kids to be every night, and having significant input into their daily lives.

Men accept it often because they have to, not because they want to.

reallyanotherone

I did mention higher up in this thread.

I am a single dad RP to 2 DC's.

So my ex is a her not a he.

That is solely for transparency and clarification.

So Rp's are complaining that NRP's either want too much or dont do enough and vice versa.
Men complain about their lot and women complain about theirs.

We definitely need 50/50 joint residence presumption so that whats seen as frivolous cases can just get on with parenting and leave the courts to deal with the genuine cases of safety and welfare issues.

I havent given a lot of thought to this but why dont they just scrap the "lives with" and "spends time with" labels altogether. Just stick to equal parental responsibility. That way both need permission for holiday and neither can transfer parental responsibility upon death without agreement.

I used to be called a NRP and now Im legally a RP. Even I think its ridiculous, nothing changed, my ex didnt suddenly change her mind and become the model co-parent so what the difference.

Sorry BobTheDuvet

Reallyanotherone, I agree.

I hate when RPs complain how hard it is to be RP but would never let their ex be RP.

I think most men would love to be RPs but women are favoured.

I disagree heidi. I don't think most men would want to be the RP at all. If that was true most men would the ones staying at home with the babies, going back part time and juggling the mental and physical load while the mother carried on her pre baby life much as normal. You cannot argue with the fact that the majority of sahp and single parents are women. I would happily do 50/50 with my ex but like so many, he simply doesn't want the hassle of the day to day crap. He just doesn't and neither do the exes of many other single parents I know who did not choose to end their marriages. It was 100% my exes choice to become an eow dad. 25% of salary is wrong by the way.. CMS won't be higher than 18%unless there is arrears. It should be higher, as the RP shoulders way more than 50% of the cost whilst being responsible for childcare and aforementioned juggling but it isn't. The NRP has far more freedom to go and get a 2nd job, work longer hours etc so I don't have a huge amount of sympathy for nrp's 'poverty' in the majority of cases.

HugeAckmanswife,

Your ex doesn't want 50-50. Fine. I believe you. But some men do want it. Some men do stay home with their kids.

most men would love to be RPs

MOST!?!!!!!

fuck off
Any of the men I deal with on a day to day basis, friends ,acquaintances and co workers have quite happily told me they would not be in my shoes for any fucking reason. And it's quite a broad spectrum of types. Frankly they shit themselves once they realise what I have to do to raise 2 dcs, work and all the other stuff that 2 parents have to do. I'd get rid of the dogs though, the X can have them but the dcs are too scared for the dogs safety.

I'll keep on clarifying this I'm a single dad RP to 2 DC's.

Not one single bloke I know has gone

Yay Diz, you're so fucking lucky, raising two sprogs on y'tod. Fancy a pint? oh no you can't, can you, got to get home to the sprogs aintcha

disney I think. I love you 😉

"fuck off"?

You think you can change my mind by telling me to fuck off? Is this how you talk to people?

Yeah Disney that’s not right. I know three guys who have sole residence and frankly I’m very jealous. I’d never wish this on my child but I’d give my right arm for my ex to disappear and leave me to raise our child.
I love doing all the things you mention, and it would be so much easier if the ex stopped playing games.
Clearly we have different circles, my friends, single or married all take a big role in their children’s lives and rarely say yes to a pint or golf.

" From my experience of Family Court and CAFCASS it is heavily weighted in the fathers favour from the start now. It is incredibly rare for the courts to cut a parent out of their childs life "

Josiebloggs, just because they don't want to alienate kids from their dads doesn't mean they're "weighted in the fathers favour". Of course they shouldn't cut a parent out of childs life.

parent999 you are actually a bloke? Then our experiences have been 100% opposite. we'll just have to agree to disagree.

Yeah I’m a bloke.
Fair enough

We definitely need 50/50 joint residence presumption so that whats seen as frivolous cases can just get on with parenting and leave the courts to deal with the genuine cases of safety and welfare issues.

I actually agree with this. I think other countries do it this way. It would force a lot of men to step up and shoulder the limited working hours and childcare responsibility.

I havent given a lot of thought to this but why dont they just scrap the "lives with" and "spends time with" labels altogether. Just stick to equal parental responsibility. That way both need permission for holiday and neither can transfer parental responsibility upon death without agreement.

No, you need a legal address and 1st point of contact.

Holiday etc permission I don't agree with at all we would have never gone abroad if that was the case as exh would obstruct it

Here is an example of what NRPs don't get. Today is midweek contact, the dds have a meal out with X.

DD1 has come back in a foul mood, pulled her sisters hair and is generally being fucking horrible.

The reason is because of toxic parenting. My X has not got to the point of understanding that the contact is for them to build a relationship, something meaningful. Not based on bitterness and bile about not getting their own way in court.

You see I don't wish for my X to disappear, I don't like the person she is, she needs to do rehab and become committed to sobriety, she then needs to have her bipolar diagnoses treated and along that path needs to become self aware about her behaviours and develop a better understanding of human interactions as well as the empathy for understanding how others feel about what she says and does.

Doing an angry man course (I've done one years ago when I thought everything was my fault) or being sentenced to DVIP doesn't really do anything unless you become invested in gaining a better understanding of yourself and your interactions. Whatever equivalents of those there are for X would be wasted as she's not at the point of wanting to come to terms with the behaviours that have got us to this point.

The thing is given the ONS data there are 1.3m lone mothers and only 160k lone father's. That is a huge difference in numbers. Therefore it's the lone mothers in the majority who have to pick up the emotional damage done to the children.

We never get to hear of the perfect well adjusted amicable separated families where co-parenting us a trip to Wonkaland as there no story in that.

The aim is to parent children without toxicity and alienation, but if a parent either RP or NRP is seeing the children as a possession to be denied to the other and wants them. It's going to fail

I'm my final hearing the Judge explicitly stated to my X to seek recovery and treatment, because I had asked my barrister to get that across in court. Social services didn't give a shit because they said safe parent, deemed to be me.

The whole point is most single mums go through hell before they become a single mum, and unfortunately the X's often cannot see what their behaviour has done, it's just normal ladish behaviour, boys will be boys, you know how it is, she knew what he was like. Do the X's say that about themselves? somehow I think not. Can they see their role in the family breakdown - I know my X can't.

My ex told me he wanted residence of our youngest because it was not fair that I get all the child tax credits for them and he gets none so he proposed to 'share the kids out' .

I told him that's absolutely fine and to let me know when he had breakfast club and afterschool care sorted or when he had reduced his hours to enable him to get her to and from school so I could arrange for her things to be brought to his house. Oddly, he never mentioned residency again. No clue why.

Although I said yes to his request to 'share the kids out' aka have her down on paper as living with him while I still do all the running about getting her to and from school and organising my working patterns around her timetable I still get people asking me why I stop him seeing his kids as much as he wants to

Just out of curiosity did a few clicks and found this quote:

'once doe-eyed and now cornered fiancée'

This is, I hope you appreciate a very small selection but it did come from the headline of the site.

The court will not provide a karmic punishment,

joyous horror of supposedly bringing up children with a person I despise

Oh poor men who've been so oppressed and without control for the last 2000 years.

So the moral of the story is once you have RP, keep hold of the status quo at all costs. Regale people with stories of NRPs not fighting hard enough in your rigged game. Stories of badly behaved children returned to you. And whatever you do, sanctimoniously demean the other parent to ensure they accept they are surplus to their children’s requirement and remain obedient and subdued. Call them toxic if they want a say in their children’s upbringing.
You get your kids, eow off and money in the bank. They need to teach this in school.

@Parent999 I don't 'get the kids' the kids get me - the parent who doesn't fuck off and leave them for weeks on end, the parent that can be bothered to take them to swimming lessons, the library, their other clubs, god forbid every single week for 36 weeks a year, the parent who baths them e try other day and buys uniform that fits, expensive schoolshoes, all the shit from smiggle so they fit in, arranges play dates, goes to parents evening, negotiated flexible working in not the job I want so I can take them to school every day, the part t that uses every single minute of my annual leave on them, seeks medical advice instead of claiming I know better, takes them to the dentist every 6 months and the optician once a year because apparently all this shit is very challenging and inconvenient.

You get your kids, eow off and money in the bank. They need to teach this in school

If you think CM plus child tax credits pays for even 50% of child related costs you're stupider than you seem. I keep trying to explain this to my ex when he whines that I get 'single parent benefits' and he has two properties he owns outright, a good fulltime wage and rental income nothing but still has to pay for half of everything.

This month alone DD has cost me £40 deposit for a school trip (there's another £110 to pay by the end of March), £30 for her first bra, £50 lunch money, £60 on school shoes because she lost one of hers on her way home from school after her school bag broke, £15 on a new school bag, £8 on conditioner for curly hair and that's without the cost of an extra mouth to feed, the cost of a bigger house, the extra toiletries we go through and the gas she uses when she gets home before I do and whacks the heating up to 30 degrees.

And cms for 2 kids is 16% of your net income. I spend probably 70% of my income on my dds!!!

I am not sure if you are just trying to be goody or deluded .

My ds’s dad doesn’t give a dam about my Ds. I say my he hasn’t seen him in 8 years. Pays £7 a week child support .

I am sure he tells everyone I stop him seeing his debut he rarely turned up to contact when he did see him . Cancelled for a million reasons.

I don’t get weekends off ever or barely any money in the bank .

I don’t doubt some rp use there kids as pawns however if you believe all the bullshit fed by every absent parent you are deluded