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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

He wants them for Christmas

231 replies

foreverdieting · 15/10/2014 10:29

Hi, my ex had an affair and left me and the kids (then 2 and 4) three years ago. Moved in with the other woman and they live just over an hour away. He has the children over night every other weekend and might have them for a week once a year. He's a good dad and even though they don't want to go initially they enjoy themselves once they are there. I've had them every Christmas since the break up as I feel that it was his decision to leave us and the kids should wake up in their home on Christmas morning.

Anyway he's saying he wants them Christmas eve and Christmas day. I've said that he could come and get them after lunch on Christmas day so we both get to see them. This isn't good enough for him. The thought of not seeing my children Christmas morning breaks my heart, I'm sitting here sobbing trying to ignore his text messages. I don't have any family nearby but do have a boyfriend now who will be here xmas day so I know I won't be on my own. What do I do???

OP posts:

AlbaGuBrath · 18/10/2014 18:54

So the NRP should step up but gets to cherry pick and dictate holidays! Behave.

HeadDoctor · 18/10/2014 19:02

Clam, that was your wording, not mine and it wasn't my implication either. That said, being the one that stays also doesn't mean no damage is done by that person. My husband's ex pulls that card and yet sits and tells her children they don't have a dad, that they should call dad by his first name, that dad is going to hell etc etc.

No, the NRP should not dictate anything. Neither should the RP. There is endless posts on here saying the OP should "tell him how it is". Nonsense. Christmas morning is important to some families so share it. One year mum has the morning, one year the dad does. Fair compromise.

Is it right that he doesn't step up? No. Is it right that he says stupid things like "If you don't want to be primary carer then I will"? No. Is it right to suggest the OP should be as much of a dick as he is? No. Is it that hard to understand?

clam · 18/10/2014 19:24

"Is it right to suggest the OP should be as much of a dick as he is?"

Who's suggesting that? She's not being a dick at all, from what has been said on here. She wants to maintain the status quo; he wants to change things to a system that doesn't suit her - or the children, for that matter.

bf1000 · 18/10/2014 21:25

How do yo know it wont suit the children to wake up at dads some christmas mornings clam?

AS has been suggested by a few posters - they could do the revers of last year (xmas eve/morning with dad xmas pm and boxing day with mum) - it doesnt have to go from splitting day to full day OP could suggest this as a compromise

Momagain1 · 18/10/2014 21:33

Surely you had to work out a schedule during the divorce? What's that say? Isnt it normal to alternate? Like it or not, the children have a right to memories of some Christmas mornings with their dad. It isnt about what makes you happy or unhappy.

WishiwasHenry · 18/10/2014 22:22

I'd love to hear his side of the story

TortillasAndChocolate · 18/10/2014 22:56

This thread is becoming a big circle.

clam · 19/10/2014 00:16

Why don't people RTFT?!
At the moment they have half and half. They could swap, so the kids wake up with their father and come back to their mother halfway through. That would be a compromise.
BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT THE FATHER IS DEMANDING!!!! He wants the kids for the whole of Christmas. Leaving the kids with no time with their mother,

ChippingInLatteLover · 19/10/2014 02:46

It's all a waste of time anyway, the OP has posted on this thread 5 times (including her OP) since Wednesday morning. It's clearly really not that important to her what anyone here thinks.

bf1000 · 19/10/2014 08:10

why do you get so worked up clam? it like you are incapable of discussions about compromises and other ways of thinking unless it is your way.

Most people do read thread and then they make suggestions based on their experiences and views. these may be appropriate or not but just getting your hair off because they dont agree with you is just daft.

clam · 19/10/2014 08:24

What are you talking about bf? I'm not worked up at all and you know nothing about my ability to hold a discussion in life.
You were suggesting as a compromise something the op has already said she wants.

bf1000 · 19/10/2014 08:33

Capital letters on forums are shouting - Therefore you appear worked up

I haven't stated anything about you in real life and just made an observation on your postings on here.

As stated anyone posted on forums views will be coloured by their own personal or professional experiences and views. You just seam more concerned about the issue than the OP

If you are not worked up then I accept that I have missed understood your posts

I have read the whole thread but I must have missed the OP saying she is happy for children to spend morning at dads so my apologies - I also was responding to other posters posts on here with some of my posts so these may be more relevent to the other posts than OPs posts.

stupidgreatgrinonmyface · 19/10/2014 09:22

My parents separated when I was 10. My Dad was allowed to visit us on Christmas Day once, the first Christmas after the split. By the following year he had a new DC with his new partner and felt he needed to be there. My mum would only allow him to visit us, difficult when there is no public transport on Christmas Day and he didn't drive. So the consequence was that after the age of 12, I never spent another Christmas Day with my Dad as a child. And I can tell you, it is a painful memory. Even over 40 years later. He has been dead many years now, and that is one of the saddest things, that I have no Christmas Day memories of my Dad for such a large part of my life.
Regardless of who was at fault, he is still their dad and they deserve the chance to spend Christmas with him.

WakeyCakey45 · 19/10/2014 09:40

clam the OP has made it abundantly clear in her first post that a compromise, in which they swap morning/afternoon, is not acceptable to her because of the way their marriage ended. There is no indication that she would be willing to suggest a compromise to their dad;

I've had them every Christmas since the break up as I feel that it was his decision to leave us and the kids should wake up in their home on Christmas

Lonecatwithkitten · 19/10/2014 09:48

Sorry Wakey I disagree I read it as she offered a compromise and the Ex turned it down.

WakeyCakey45 · 19/10/2014 09:50

lonecat how's that? The OP goes on to say;

The thought of not seeing my children Christmas morning breaks my heart

I think it's clear that its her way or no way - a compromise where they swap morning and afternoon is unacceptable to her, at least, that's the way I read it.

clam · 19/10/2014 10:26

This is what she actually said, "Anyway he's saying he wants them Christmas eve and Christmas day. I've said that he could come and get them after lunch on Christmas day so we both get to see them. This isn't good enough for him."

bf1000 · 19/10/2014 10:33

yes so she doesnt say - he can have them xmas eve and axmas day morning and her have the afternoon then does she?? or am i missing something

ChippingInLatteLover · 19/10/2014 10:47

Stupidgrinonmyface I am sorry that your Dad has died and that you didn't get to spend Christmas with him after that first one.

However, that's not the situation with the Op, her ex picks them up after lunch on Christmas Day.

Also, there's nothing to say that this wont change as the children get older if they want to spend Christmas Eve and morning with their Dad and the afternoon with their Mum, but this situation is all about what HE wants, not what the children want or what is best for them. He doesn't care about that, he's just bullying the OP.

NO she doesn't want them to go to their Dad's Christmas Eve & morning, partly because she doesn't see why she should miss out on having that time with them (and I agree) as she does all the actual parenting of them while he has a guest appearance one night every fortnight this little contact is of his own choosing AND because the children don't 'want' to go to their Dad's normally, though they have a good time when they are there (2 nights a month ).

The OP says she accepts this will probably happen and she loves her kids and encourages them to have a good relationship with their Dad, so I am sure in future years this will happen IF it's what the children want.

This year, however, is all about a bully who just wants to pull the strings and frankly 'No, you can pick them up after lunch if you want to see the chidlren on Christmas Day' is the only right answer here, because if she caves into his threat of losing them entirely, then she's just going to be in for more of his bully boy tactics.

HeadDoctor · 19/10/2014 11:03

When they're older and decide they want to and have the courage to tell their mother something that will clearly upset her and on Christmas of all days...

Why should she miss out
Because that's what happens when a family separates. Everyone misses out on things. The important thing is that the children are put first. Not her. Not him.

And no it's not all about what he wants. Her OP is about what she wants to. Which is precisely why a compromise is needed. So not him having the entire Christmas Day and not her having every Christmas morning.

HeadDoctor · 19/10/2014 11:08

'No, you can pick them up after lunch if you want to see the chidlren on Christmas Day' is the only right answer here, because if she caves into his threat of losing them entirely, then she's just going to be in for more of his bully boy tactics

You assume. You don't know the guy. You don't know the OP. A bit of compromise could be all that's needed to settle the situation down. The comment about swapping who is primary carer sounded to me like a stupid remark said in the heat of the moment rather than a real threat to take action for reversal of residence.

If I'd have been as stubborn as you suggest with my exH who actually did threaten to go for "sole custody" I can guarantee my children would have been damaged by that. My ex H isn't perfect. Neither am I. Neither is the ex in this situation and neither is the OP. We all make mistakes but the more we can put our own hurts aside to facilitate a better relationship between the child and their other parent and the more we can work to have a civil relationship with the ex (and therefore less conflict) the better. It isn't always possible and I have had times where my ex & I had to communicate through a third party but then we work it out because we don't want our children caught in the crossfire.

AlbaGuBrath · 19/10/2014 11:10

I'm so confused her bf why should she actually offer that alternative? Why is it necessary that he calls the shots? I'm not saying it shouldn't be an option but it surely should be discussed and agreed upon.

There seems to be a lot of posts that say she should do things differently. I'm just wondering why she should suck it up and not the father?

Lonecatwithkitten · 19/10/2014 11:12

As I read it she has offered to split the day in half they are with her Christmas Eve till after lunch and then they go to him. They both get to see the children on Christmas Day. A compromise.

HeadDoctor · 19/10/2014 11:17

A compromise where the children never spend Christmas morning with their father and not exactly a compromise if that's what they've done the last few years as the OP says they have. So if Christmas morning is the sticking point, it's not a compromise. It's the OP saying "This is how it's always been, this is how its staying".

bf1000 · 19/10/2014 11:21

Because she should put the children first and not her feelings on the affair and allow her children to wake up on xmas morning with their dad - which they havent had the opportunity to do in 3 years.

His asking for xmas eve and all day xmas day is start of negotiations she could negotiate back by suggesting xmas eve and till 10am xmas morning and somewhere between what she wants (xmas eve and xmas till afternoon and what he wants is a compromise where both parents can agree but prob neither will get exactly what they want but the children can then be told what is happening by hopeful 2 parents who can put their own feelings aside and sell how wonderful it will be this year. they can then rotate yearly.

The children should not be involved in negotiations or told about it by a tearful parent or led to feel they will be unhappy with situation.

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