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Original poster

Finding this seperation business so hard.

190 replies

messyoldmess · 11/09/2006 21:37

My H & I are in the process of seperation & will be going straight for divorce. I know it is the right thing to do, but I am finding it all so hard to cope with it all atm.
Things seem to be moving on very fast, but we are still living under the same roof & it is completely doing my head in. I am so so scared, I have never felt so low & frightened. I am frightened of being alone & I feel so sad for my children, thinking of all they have to come.
I know we have to do this, but everytime I really focus on the months ahead I end up in tears.
I wasn't going to post on here, but I am feeling so alone & need to talk. I would love to hear some positive stories from those who have come out the other side of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 11/09/2006 22:01

It was DS1's birthday today & he had a nice day, but I think I am feeling extra low because it is his last birthday with his Daddy living at home.

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essbee · 11/09/2006 22:58

Message withdrawn

lou33 · 11/09/2006 23:50

i've not regretted leaving my ex either

its harder in some parts better in others, my love life is up and down all over the place, but i am a lot happier now he has gone

Original poster
messyoldmess · 12/09/2006 08:23

Thank you both for your messages. It is reassuring to hear that you are both happier now & have no regrets. I know it is absolutely the right thing to do & it has taken me a long time to get to this point, but I am finding it all so hard & scary atm.

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lou33 · 12/09/2006 09:19

it took me about 4 yrs to get the strength to do it

ggglimpopo · 12/09/2006 09:22

Message withdrawn

lou33 · 12/09/2006 09:42

i should have jumped off years ago

Bugsy2 · 12/09/2006 09:45

Getting divorced was also one of the best things I've done too. I think it is very tough when you are still in the same house as your ex. I know that would have driven me to insanity.
Don't be scared of being alone. Being alone is not the same as being lonely. I feel considerably less lonely being on my own than I did living with someone who didn't give a toss about me.
I found writing things down very helpful. Mostly just practical stuff, it just helped me feel more in control & less muddled.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 14/09/2006 19:48

Thanks for all your replies. It is good to hear things will one day feel better.
I have had a tough day today & have been very very emotional. I feel like my life is kind of crumbling around me atm & I am finding it so hard to deal with.
I guess it is all made harder with him still being in the house, but I see others on MN in similar positions & they all appear to be dealing with things better than I am.

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MistressMiggins · 15/09/2006 00:00

it might feel like people are coping better but maybe MNetters only post when feel good & when things are bad, cant face the computer

cinderelly · 15/09/2006 00:48

Really sorry to hear about your situation messy, it is a horrible thing to go through. Ive been in a similar situation and I know its easy to say, but you need to be positive. The fact that you already know its a 'good thing' is a brilliant start. I dont know how old your kids are, but they prob wont feel half as bad as you, so try not to dwell on that and make the time you spend together as much fun as poss. You can always cry when they go to bed. Dont worry bout being alone, its a good time to get to know yourself again as a person, rather than 1/2 of a couple. Its good to do the things you liked doing before you met, as it brings you back your own idenity. Try to stay positive for your kids sake. BTW, might me easier if you didnt still live together. Can that be arranged?

paperchaser · 15/09/2006 01:56

Hi Messy. I'm going through something similar too. I seperated from P a couple of months back but we are still living together out of necessity. I initiated the split because I stopped loving him but I feel really guilty that I'm turning his world upside down. Our seperation involves bankruptcy as we can't support 2 homes and continue to pay our creditors. It's so stressful here at the moment and we are either arguing or not speaking to one another. We're still sharing a bed for practical reasons (no-where else for either of us to sleep and don't want to upset our DS who's autistic).

I feel really positive some days - can't wait for him to be leaving so I can find my identity again and get on with life - but at other times I'm really tearful and scared of being here alone with DS. I know it's crap at the moment but hopefully if things are moving fast you'll be in a much better situation soon.

Did you initiate the split or H?

Original poster
messyoldmess · 15/09/2006 19:02

Thanks for your replies. Sorry you are going through this, paperchaser.
Yesterday was quite a tough day, as we took another step towards our divorce & I think that is why I was over emotional.
Sometimes I cope quite well & I very rarely cry in front of the boys.
The fact we are still living together makes it a lot harder, as even though we made the decision to seperate 3 months back, it doesn't feel that real sometimes. This means every step towards the divorce seems very tough IYKWIM?
He was going to move out, but then refused to budge until we exchange contracts on the house.
It was me that initiated the split. He has temper issues & I had come to realise that they would never get better.

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paperchaser · 16/09/2006 20:20

Hope you're feeling better today messy. I don't know anything about divorce as I never married P but I can imagine that it makes things a lot harder. I'm quite lucky in that we rent our home from a housing association and the tenancy is in my name, so I can apply for housing benefit etc as soon as he's left and there's no question of who gets to live in our flat. I feel like I'm being quite generous by letting him stay while he sorts himself out as by rights I could just pack his bags and tell him to sod off.

I'm glad it was you that initiated the split. Hopefull all this time that you're spending together at the moment is re-inforcing your decision to divorce and then once he's finally gone you'll feel so relieved and ready to get on with your single life.

Sorry to hear about his temper issues. That must be very hard to live with. P doesn't have a bad temper but is very controlling and cruel in some of the things he says and does.

Hopefully it won't be long before we're both single again and enjoying it

Original poster
messyoldmess · 27/09/2006 19:46

Thanks, paperchaser. I hope things get better for you soon.
I feel like my head is going to explode atm, as it is all getting a bit much.
I can see this going on for months because our house has fallen through & he will not move until the bitter end.
I feel I am going slowly insane here!

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mamama · 28/09/2006 20:39

Oh, so glad yet so sad to know that other people are in same situation as me - good to know I'm not alone but how terrible that others feel as bad as I do (tears rolling down cheek as I type)

DH left me with my then 3 month old ds- 'lived' in same house but he worked all the time so barely saw him. Then one day he moved out without even telling me. Problem is I am in the States & have no job & a now 1 yr old ds & no family. Great friends but I now have to return to the UK to live nr in-laws. No job there either, no daycare and no friends. Aaaargh. It's sooooo horrible. WHy does this happen to us, ladies? Why?

Like you, Messy, I just took the first official steps to get divorced. I knew I had to but have out it off for weeks (months?). It's so hard. I stood by the postbox for ages, psyching myself up to post the damn paperwork to my solicitor. DOne now though. Feel so pathetic!

Paperchaser, so good you didn't get married. Seems that is a v bad thing to do. I am hating the divorce thing - this was not meant to happen. Glad the house is yours though. I think you're being way to nice letting hims stay - you're a far better person than I am!

Original poster
messyoldmess · 28/09/2006 20:46

So sorry you are going through this too, mamama. It is so hard isn't it?

I have no choice re him staying in the same house, as he is point blank refusing to budge & there is no way I can afford to up & go myself.

I have found the last couple of weeks very tough & have started having panic attacks.

I feel a failure, but at the same time I know I am doing the right thing here.
I just feel I have little control & don't know where my life's going.

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mamama · 28/09/2006 22:40

I know - it feels like you're in limbo. I (stupidly) still love H and keep kidding myself that one night he'll just come hoem & everything will be ok. I know that won't happen - divorce is underway and he's living with colleague until I move out. Have no idea how to move on and feel so awful for DS

Judy1234 · 28/09/2006 23:11

We stayed in the same house to the bitter end, to decree absolute, to my paying him off, to transfer of house into my name etc. Not fun but stick at it. Don't leave.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 28/09/2006 23:30

I have had two friends suggest I rent somewhere in the meantime. I really don't know what to do, I need MN again!!

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mamama · 29/09/2006 00:35

I was told by lawyers not to leave until everything legal is done & dusted. If you leave the house apparently it weakens your case. It's horrible I know, and I'm so lucky my DH moved out (well, obviously I'm devastated and want him to come home) but it is really important that you don't leave. Don't let him drive you out. Is there somewhere you can go to keep out of his way? The hardest thing for me was seeing DH on the sofa in the mornings. And I felt like I had to be dressed all the time and not walk around in my pjs etc. It was so wierd. I so sad and p**ed off. Some mornings I just wanted to do awful things to him while he was sleeping. Never did though...

rosie79 · 29/09/2006 19:46

Hello all of you. I've been reading everyone's posts and feel really sad that others have to go through these situations. I went through a similar thing, two years ago now. I decided I'd had enough living with violent husband so left him but stayed in same house for a month after this. It was hell. I krew I was doing the right thing though, at the time ds was 18 months old and I knew that the most important thing was him and he deserved a really good mummy, and for me to give him my all I needed to be happy. So I just want you ladies to remember that in the long run it is better for your children that they have a happy mummy!! Every day gets better and easier and I am now ten times the person I was when with H. I feel much more confident, happy, content and at peace withthe world. Things are hard, don't get me wrong, but there is a great deal of satisfaction to be had for looking at a gorgeous happy confident child and knowing that I did it all. I'm a good mum and I'm doing it on my own. We can do this, even if it seems hard to you now. You are stronger than you think. Also, there are lopads of advantages to being single, all the parenting desisions are yours, no-one undermines your rules, no conflict of interest over who knows better etc. etc. And you make all the decisions. There are less people to wash, cook, iron clothes for and factor into every day planning. I know it probably doesn't help for me to say stay positive, but leaving a bad relationship is the right choice and the better option for your children. I think this is getting a bit long and I could probably write an essay on the topic so I'll stop now and post this!

Original poster
messyoldmess · 30/09/2006 08:19

Thank you for your reassurance, rosie79. I am pleased that you feel happier now & that you are sure you did the right thing.
My H has never been physically violent, but he can suddenly turn & be very bad tempered. He is also very controlling & undermines me a lot.
Other times he can switch on the nice side & almost have me fooled into thinking that all is not so bad. He can suddenly come across as someone caring & charming. It really messes with my head!
We made the decision to seperatenearly 4 months back, & we have been living in this horrible surreal environment ever since.
He refuses to leave until the bitter end & it is all starting to get on top of me a bit.
It's my birthday on Tuesday & I know I will find it really hard, as it's the first birthday of us not being a couple, yet I will still have him here in the house.
He has given me a little reminder of exactually why I am doing this, this morning though. He has just puninished my DS for something I feel he shouldn't really be punished for, but when he goes off on one I am too afraid to step in.
Mamama, I try to keep downstairs out of his way (we live in a town house), but it is horrible to feel you need to stay out of your own lounge as much as possible.
Thanks for the advice about staying put if possible. I guessed that would be the sensible option even though it is very hard atm.

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glitterfairy · 30/09/2006 08:51

messyoldmess things will get better especially when the Xh moves out! Really it will. It is the worst process in the world and really hard, trying, challenging and devestating but honestly if you know you ahve to do this you are doing the right thing and will be ahppier in the end. DOnt forget though it is the journey that makes you strong.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 30/09/2006 09:01

Thanks glitterfairy (good to see you back btw!), I know I have to ride this tough bit, but I have never felt so low. I don't feel very strong inside atm!

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