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Original poster

Finding this seperation business so hard.

190 replies

messyoldmess · 11/09/2006 21:37

My H & I are in the process of seperation & will be going straight for divorce. I know it is the right thing to do, but I am finding it all so hard to cope with it all atm.
Things seem to be moving on very fast, but we are still living under the same roof & it is completely doing my head in. I am so so scared, I have never felt so low & frightened. I am frightened of being alone & I feel so sad for my children, thinking of all they have to come.
I know we have to do this, but everytime I really focus on the months ahead I end up in tears.
I wasn't going to post on here, but I am feeling so alone & need to talk. I would love to hear some positive stories from those who have come out the other side of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 02/10/2006 19:12

Hiya!
I have arranged to go out with a friend from work tomorrow night, so hopefully that will cheer me up a bit.
H left a card for me by my pc. Inside the card he has drawn me & himself with sad faces.
He has also said that it feels more like his birthday because apparantly my parents took him out for lunch today & treated him to a very expensive watch! (This was for doing their decking)
I have had a cry in the bath & am now keeping myself down here so that DS1 doesn't see me upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 02/10/2006 19:13

Am having a drink or 3 tonight!!

OP posts:
mamamaaargh · 02/10/2006 19:30

Sorry about the papercutter, Messyoldmess - hope the foot gets better soon. Am sure a drink will help. I'll have one for you tonight...

Murphee · 02/10/2006 19:57

Messy, I really feel for you. I'm in the same position but perhaps a little further on. We are still living in the same house, have the decree nisi, have just settled financial arrangements but can't really get on with my own life until the house is sold. A few weeks ago I was posting on MN in a bad way and now that has passed I can see it was a necessary part of the break up even though I was wretched. I will be opening a bottle soon and will raise a glass in solidarity to you!

Original poster
messyoldmess · 02/10/2006 20:14

So sorry that you are in a similar position, Murphee. It is horrible isn't it?
I am such a wreck atm, but think the whole birthday thing is making it harder.
I have had colleagues ask if I am doing anything nice with H (I know that is my fault, as I have only confided in a couple of people at work), & it is doing me in.
Just can't see it getting easier atm.

OP posts:
dinosaur · 02/10/2006 20:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 02/10/2006 20:24

Thanks dino.

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mamamaaargh · 02/10/2006 20:31

Oh messyoldmess - I didn't tell anyone for the longest time either. I pretended everything was ok for about 7 months, then finally got fed up of avoiding those kind of questions & was put in a situation where I really had to say something. It was the hardest thing to do but I think it was good for me... Enjoy your drink.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 02/10/2006 20:44

Am on drink number 4 now! I feel the need!!

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winnie · 02/10/2006 21:09

messyoldmess, I am sorry you are feeling bad tonight. Why did h leave you a card?
Even though h and I haven't lived together for 18 months and have been separated for 12 months there are still people with whom I refer to him as my husband It's ridiculous but if it happens inadvertantly I just can't deal with having to explain. So, I do understand that situation.
Good for you in that you are getting out tomorrow night; enjoy

mamamaaargh · 02/10/2006 21:18

Good for you! I would be too but it's 3:20 in the afternoon, so I'm sticking with tea. For now...

dinosaur · 02/10/2006 21:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 02/10/2006 22:08

I wish he had moved out, dino, the whole thing may be more bearable by now if he had.
I wasn't expecting a card or anything from him. The card was just a very plain birthday card, but he had put little sad faces inside.
Have been a total pathetic wreck tonight!

OP posts:
mamamaaargh · 03/10/2006 00:15

Grrr at your H too, from me . I don't understand who they do things like that. As if it isn't hard enough as it is. Of course you're a wreck. I'm sorry .

How far along with the divorce are you, messyoldmess? You're right, it was so much easier for me when H moved out, still really horrible and sooo many tears, but a bit easier to get up in the morning and not have to see him. If you've begun divorce paperwork, can't he move out? What do the solicitors say? Are you selling the house?

Ok, it's late enough now for me to have a drink for you - off to see what I can find...

Original poster
messyoldmess · 03/10/2006 07:37

I am not that far along, mamama. We only made the decision in June & have been told to try the mediation route first, which we have had one session of. Think mediation may be a total waste of time though (this is where you try & come to an amicable agreement), as H didn't like a lot of the things he was told & he has told me that he didn't like the mediator!
He has not seen a silocitor yet (I have), but he has now made an appt following the mediation.

My solicitor tells me that there is little I can do re him refusing to move out, unless he is battering me & I had evidence of it.

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Original poster
messyoldmess · 03/10/2006 15:35

Feeling very yukky today. My colleagues have been asking what H got me & if he was taking me out tonight. I guess I really should have opened up more at work, but I find it hard to get the words out of my mouth!

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Original poster
messyoldmess · 03/10/2006 16:46

Now I have just had my mum round trying to talk me into staying with H!

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Caribbeanqueen · 03/10/2006 16:57

How thoughtful of your mum to do that on your birthday. She really is strange.

How far do you think divorce proceedings will have to go before she finally accepts it?

Original poster
messyoldmess · 03/10/2006 17:03

A very very long way, CQ!
She came round & asked why I looked miserable on my birthday. When I explained my obvious reasons, she said "Why are you two both making each other miserable? life is too short to be miserable, so why can't I just bang your heads together?!"
She said lots more & then asked if H had shown me the £700 watch Dad bought him for doing his decking!
I feel really low atm. I am glad I am getting out tonight.

OP posts:
dinosaur · 03/10/2006 17:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 03/10/2006 17:10

LOL dinosaur!

She said that nobody is perfect (which we all know!), & if H's inperfection is that he has a temper then why could I not accept it! She also said that I probably annoy him.
She thinks we haven't tried hard enough because we haven't tried relate. She also mentioned how Dad sees him as a son!

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Original poster
messyoldmess · 03/10/2006 17:13

H is round my parents right now, even though Dad isn't there! He is doing some job or another!

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winnie · 03/10/2006 17:24

messyoldmess, life is too short to stay with a man who treats you badly!

Your mum won't change but you can control how you react to her. I know it's hard but try, try, try to let it all wash over you. Do you want to end up bitter and twisted like she seems to be? No, of course you don't which is why you are doing what you are doing; for you and the boys {sorry i know she is your mum but she seems incapable of supporting you!) thinking of you xx

Original poster
messyoldmess · 03/10/2006 17:58

I know, winnie! I told mum that I was miserable loads while in the relationship, so will just have to ride through the bad bits of the seperation process.
She told me that he will soon find someone else (I am sure he will!) & then how will I feel?!
It was just lots of rubbing salt into the wound really!

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Murphee · 03/10/2006 19:36

Messy, I'm shocked that H is round at your parents on YOUR birthday. I hope you do go out tonight and have a great time. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!