Finding this seperation business so hard.

[messyoldmess]

My H & I are in the process of seperation & will be going straight for divorce. I know it is the right thing to do, but I am finding it all so hard to cope with it all atm.
Things seem to be moving on very fast, but we are still living under the same roof & it is completely doing my head in. I am so so scared, I have never felt so low & frightened. I am frightened of being alone & I feel so sad for my children, thinking of all they have to come.
I know we have to do this, but everytime I really focus on the months ahead I end up in tears.
I wasn't going to post on here, but I am feeling so alone & need to talk. I would love to hear some positive stories from those who have come out the other side of this.

yes, messyoldmess, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ... I hope you are having fun

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Happy Birthday Hun! Hope you are out celebrating with your friend. Loads of hugs sent your way!

mamamaaaaaargh (sorry if that is not right!) I didnt mean to have a go at either you or Americans for that matter.

I liked the idea of the butterfly and the mess esbee and hope you are now a shimmering butterfly!

Thanks!
I have had a nice night out with my friend. Sorry for being a miserable old cow!!

Happy birthday messyoldmess

Happy birthday messyoldmess - you're probably (hopefully) fast asleep now. Glad to see you had a good night out.

Shame about mediation not working out for you. DH won't do that. Then again, he still won't tell me to my face that he's left me - what's wrong with him? Just do not understand how someone can leave partner of 10 years, happy (or so I thought) marriage and a 3 month old ds with no warning. Just really do not get it... who's the miserable old cow now, messy?

I'm off to bake something yummy in your honour (& cos I'm greedy & am eating far too much these days)

Glitterfairy, I know you weren't having a go - I'm super-defensive at the mo! Sorry...

Mamama not sure it helps to work out why they do it. Some people are just like that! Most important is to think it is not your fault but there are probably lessons to be learnt. Counselling has helped me a lot with that and not the psychotherapeutic sort (freud and a couch)cognitive behaviour therapy, neurolinguistic programming and hypnosis (all practical and problem solving rather than dwelling on the why!). I am lucky, because of the circumstances in my case I have free counselling at a womens aid centre once a week from a wonderful volunteer.

All sounds very helpful, GF! Are you still having counselling?
I feel I could really do with more counselling atm.

messyoldmess, I am glad you had a good birthday Hope your day is bearable

My birthday improved lots once I was out with my friend last night!
Am feeling a tiny bit better today. Think the whole birthday bit combined with H's card & mum's lecture proved a bit much yesterday.

mamama, I hope you are feeling ok today.

messyyoungmess yes I am still having counselling and it really helps sort out my head and ensures I am being adult and focused more than anything. It means that I can sort out what I really want in a practical way and helps in very practical ways.

Glad you had a good night out.

Glitterfairy - good to see you back

LOL at messyyoungmess! I will have you know that I was 34 yesterday, so not very young at all!!

Your counselling sounds very helpful, GF. I have exhausted my counselling sessions through the NHS! I had 18 rather than 12 last time & she had to ask my doctors permission, as she thought my life was still too up in the air after the 12 sessions. Things were just seeming to calm a little on session 17 & then all went pear shaped in the month before my last session!
She said that 18 sessions is the absolute max she could offer without a break, but that I could ask to go back on the waiting list if I felt I needed more sessions with her.
I found my counselling sessions really helpful, but think I will let the poor woman have a little break from me!!

Seems my mum has told H that I should come to my senses after living alone for a month or so!

Come to your senses? More like realise that you are well rid and that you can all breathe a lot more easily now h is no longer there.

Absolutely, CQ! Even H said that he didn't agree with mum & thought that I would probably start to cope better once on my own for a while & it would have the reverse affect!

my god... he does get it
messyyoungmess, yep 34 is young , your Mum seems to be on a different planet! You are doing so well and you will get through it and one day, in the not too distant future, you will look back at this time and know that it was absolutely worth it

I hope so, winnie!

Hi Winnie and CQ. Yes it is worth it messy (I just cant call 34 old!) and it will be you have come so far you just need to keep the faith now and keep going.

I have been exceptionally lucky getting this counselling and this counsellor who is superb and there is a good reason why. I see abosultely no reason why you cant go back on the waiting lise though messy!

messyyoungmess, how are you today?

I think I might enquire about it, GF. I am struggling a little atm & could do with going back to my counsellor.
The thing that is worrying me right now is the affect my stress is having on the boys. DS2 keeps asking if I am happy & when I tell him that mummy is happy, he says "Let me see your face"
They are obviously picking up on my moods, & also I don't think I am being as good a mummy as I should be atm, because I am not on top form.
I do try though.

We have someone else interested in our house, but he has not sold his house yet.

I can't cope with the upset this is causing to those around me. My boys adore him & it breaks my heart to think of what they have to come.
His poor mum doesn't even know yet, as he won't tell her until he has to, & I have upset my entire family.
It just the most horrible thing to go through.

These people do not have to live your life though messy! They are not in your relationship and have no idea how it ahs affected you. Anyone else can make an educated guess but in the end it is your life and how you feel is the most important thing.

Yes you are going to hurt people but if handled sensitively then your kids should be fine. They are far far more resilient than you think honestly. Part of the problem it seems to me is that the run up to the actual reality of him leaving and you divorcing has gone on far too long. That has given you too much time to doubt yourself and to allow your feelings of guilt to take over.

Give yourself a break you have done really really well and should be patting yourself on the back nopw.

You're right, GF - the run up to this has been going on for far too long. It has been 4 months of total torture & I cannot see an end to it right now.
I hate the upset it is causing to those close to me & I feel devastated for the boys in all this.
My head is a complete mess & I feel I am going insane!

I will get through this, but it is harder than I ever imagined.