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Lone parents

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Original poster

Finding this seperation business so hard.

190 replies

messyoldmess · 11/09/2006 21:37

My H & I are in the process of seperation & will be going straight for divorce. I know it is the right thing to do, but I am finding it all so hard to cope with it all atm.
Things seem to be moving on very fast, but we are still living under the same roof & it is completely doing my head in. I am so so scared, I have never felt so low & frightened. I am frightened of being alone & I feel so sad for my children, thinking of all they have to come.
I know we have to do this, but everytime I really focus on the months ahead I end up in tears.
I wasn't going to post on here, but I am feeling so alone & need to talk. I would love to hear some positive stories from those who have come out the other side of this.

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 30/09/2006 13:58

Thanks messyold! Like the name by the way and I bet you are not messy or old!

To be honest the bad times outweigh the good during this period in your life but honestly things will get better. I look back to a year ago and think how am I here? I also think thank God I am here and not there if that makes sense. I am glad I am divorced and away from X and it is the best thing that has happened but has been hell to achieve.

Hope your weekend is going ok and not being too awful.

fridascruffs · 30/09/2006 14:17

I can sympathise w/ you all as nearly split w/ my dp 3 months ago and it's still not rewally ok now but the intimidation and nastiness involved in separating put me off. As I'm living in france it makes it even more difficult as I'd have to get court's peremission tp return to uk and they might not give it- not much fun to be stuck in france with no realistic prospect of being able to work. mamama- make sure ytou're aware of the hague convention; i know usa is a signatory but not sure if this is resolved as part of a divorce, sprry must go, dd crying like mad, and dp back!

mamama · 30/09/2006 14:51

Oh messyoldmess, events like birthdays are so hard. I hope you are able do at least something little on Tuesday - even if it is just you and ds. I'll think if you. My dh (maybe I shouldn't put the d in there) had moved out but still gave me a card for our wedding anniversary. He thought he was being nice but talk about rubbing salt in the wounds! I just felt like it was the meanest thing, like saying "here's a card to remind you that after nearly 4 years, I have left you. And now you have to move thousands of miles away with a baby and find a job and a house while I stay here with my cushy job and my pals and have a lovely time. Have a great day". Of course, I cried all day. I am the biggest crybaby ever. Maybe that should have been my name, instead of mamama!

Fridascruffs -tell me more about the hague convention... the lawyers have mentioned it but I don;t know anything about it. When the lawyers talk they may as well be saying 'blah blah blah' as I find it so hard to take everything in, especailly as they are so calm about the fact that my life is in a crappy little pile on the floor after crumbling from a great height! Feeling bit annoyed today, sorry!

Thanks for the positive stories, glitterfairy & ROsie79. It's hard to believe that we'll be ok but reassuring to know that other people survived.

fridascruffs · 30/09/2006 23:25

sorry, only just got back to this thread, drank caffeine by mistake so can't sleep!
Hague Convention: as I undersatnd it, says that, where both parents have parental responsibility for a child the child cannot be removed from the country of ordinary residence without the permission of both parents.

If your dh agrees that you return to UK it's OK, but you must have it in writing, and preferably with some sort of legal standing (witnesses or notarised or something- not sure exactly). I know of someone who did have her DH's written permission to return to UK from france but later he invoked the Hague Convention anyway and she had to return her daughter to france (legal process to return child from UK to france took 6 months and cost a few thousand I think, then she had to start from scratch with the proper legal channels in france; she was badly advised by a lawyer).

If your dh doesn't agree to you returning to UK, you have to apply to the courts for permission to return even though he disagrees. Hopefully they grant it.

Have a look at Reunite's website; it explains more about it and they have a forum like this one for people who have problems of international child disputes (they're mainly about abduction). \link{http://reunite.org\here is reunite's website.
will try to get back to this thread to see if you want to ask anything else.

Beware that lawyers often don't seem to be aware of the Hague Convention unless they know about international cases, so don't necessarily believe them if they say you can go wherever you want after the divorce; this usually only applies to within the country of ordinary residence.

fridascruffs · 30/09/2006 23:31

BTW mamama, one possible outcome for us is it to move to California, but I'd have to get married which I dont' want, and I hadn't planned to live in CA again but might be easier for me than france, whether I stay w/ Dp or not in the end. (I have family in CA).

mamama · 01/10/2006 02:00

Thanks Fridascruffs

Just off to look at the reunite website now. Need to brush up on Hague convention. My lawyer said once we'd been to court, it was fine for me to go wherever I wanted with ds, but he didn't say it would be in writing. Will make sure I do this. Was told by some US airlines that if I fly alone with ds, they need notarised letter from father to say it's ok for me to be travelling with baby (or, if there is no father, a notarised letter explaining that - seems a bit personal to me). Then was told that is only if you fly to Mexico. Was bit miffed that I have to have permission to travel with ds.

Do you have family in France? I miss mine

fridascruffs · 01/10/2006 10:45

no, i have no family in france, and don't know anyone in the area where we're living either
it could be that in the US, custody is granted to one parent so once that's sorted you can indeed leave. In france custody is given to one or the other, it's joint, so even if court decided children could live with me, I still have to get the father's permission to leave the country (but not to move to the other side of France- strange hey, esp. as Switzerland is only 40km away- I couldn't move there without permission but I could move to BRittany).

fridascruffs · 01/10/2006 10:45

sorry i meant in france custody is NOT given to one or the other.

kama · 01/10/2006 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
messyoldmess · 01/10/2006 18:20

GF, you are spot on when you say that at this stage the bad outweighs the good. I feel the lowest of the low atm & there are days when I think to myself "Why are you torturing yourself like this?!"
Of course I know why I am going through this & know it is the right move, but atm it just feels like hell every day.
You have done amazingly well & you have remained so strong. You are a real inspiration to me.
Mamama, I have horrible weepy moments too - infact I am having one today!
I think it is made worse by my birthday approaching. I have spent the last 10 birthdays with H & I am finding it really upsetting this year.
Fridascruffs, I hope things work out for you.

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 01/10/2006 18:23

The 10-10-10 technique is an interesting way of looking at it all, kama.

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 01/10/2006 18:30

Write a letter to a really good friend from the future five or ten years from now. Talk about what you are doing and your life and then work backwards to see how you got there. You dont have to send it just keep it and then you will know what your dreams are and how you can acheive them.

Glad I am inspiring you! Loads of hugs! My birthday this year on my own with the kids was the best ever! Hope yours is too and I know it is Tuesday.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 01/10/2006 19:37

Good idea, GF!
Yes my birthday is on Tuesday. I am not looking forward to it at all, but will be at working in the day, so that should help keep my mind busy.
I don't think it would be so bad if H wasn't here in the house.
I managed to get out with a friend last night.
H wanted to go out as well & was trying to get me to sort a babysitter, but I didn't, as I thought that he could stay in & look after his children for once!
He told me that I was to go up to the friend that he planned to go out with & make it clear that he tried hard to get out with him!
I saw this friend of his out & the friend started to try it on with me!!
He didn't get very far, but I still haven't recovered from the shock! I haven't dared tell H!

OP posts:
mamama · 01/10/2006 23:54

OOoo, messyoldmess - glad you got out. What an interesting night! That's part of my concern - what if no-one ever tries it on with me (I realise in your case the whole thing was rather inappropriate)? I'll end up a miserable old woman with just ds who will still be living with me when he's 40 cos I'll turn him into such a mummy's boy! YOu know, I even walk along the street and look at men thinking, I wonder if they're single... I wonder if they'd be interested in a single mum..? It's so ridiculous and I'm not even interested in anyone expect ba*rd DH! Must move on. Really must!

I like the 10-10-10 thing, kama. And the letter idea, GF. SHould maybe find the time to do that but atm find it v hard to think beyond tomorrow.

Thanks for all your help, ladies.

glitterfairy · 02/10/2006 11:47

I dont agree with the term moving on its so American and I am sure it never happens! Looking back on relationships I am not sure moving on was the correct term. They finished and in the end someone else came along there was no moving to it really. I know that I still feel something for a man I lived with for 6 years and if he came along would probably freak out!

When someone dies people say the same thing, it really annoys me, everyone grieves at their own rate and should be left alone to do so. The problem is that no one likes a miserable person and tries hard to get them to be happy, well sometimes it is ok to be depressed! Do something different that is my motto not moving on to the next but do it differently.

Someone will come along when you are ready and not before, nor when you think you are and they will be different. Lets hope they will also be better men!

winnie · 02/10/2006 12:05

gf, I so agree with you about the term 'moving on'. It is rubbish! You just learn to live with the change it doesn't mean you've 'moved on' & frankly I certainly don't want to 'move on' from loving my Mum and Dad who are both dead

messyoldmess, I am sorry you are feeling like this. It is sht... unbearably sht but you do get through it and things will get much, much better. Honest (If only I could take my own advice (My divorce petition is sat waiting to be signed and has been for 3/4? weeks now )

Take care of yourself, I am thinking of you, be kind to yourself and see every big event (ds's birthday, your birthday) as a strength building exercise. You are already so much stronger than you were. I bet you never thought you'd get this far, did you? winnie xx

bibbybec · 02/10/2006 14:13

Don't know if this is any help at all but dp left in Feb this year. Although it was what I had wanted for a long time but was too afraid to ask for it was awful and I (and my family) did'nt think I would survive the experience. Dp's threatening behavior spiralled and only stopped when he realised that he no longer had any controll over me. My life is now so much better than I could ever have imagined and he manages to maintain comparitivley civillised behavior (mostly). The wost of it is that I can't ever explain to DD why all this happened to her as there is no suitable way of telling a seven year old that he was sleeping with her best friends mother for 18 months. Anyway, I digress. What I wanted to say is that it does get much better and you will regain your confidence.

mamamaaargh · 02/10/2006 14:59

Well, GF, I've been in the States for 4 years, so have unfortunately picked up a few Americanisms! Maybe moving on isn't the correct term , but I feel like it describes what I need to do. Not to forget but just to take some steps to get out of where I am, emigrate, moe closer to my family, get a job, daycare etc. OK, that feels like a lot more than a few steps... At the moment, I'm just sitting, wallowing, hoping that things will get better by themselves (Winnie, it took me 4 months to instruct my lawyers to start divorce proceedings - I had the papers but just couldn't sign them). Bibbybec, thanks for sharing your story - it does help to know that other people have sruvived this. HOw are you today, Messyoldmess?

Original poster
messyoldmess · 02/10/2006 16:03

mamama, the sort of male attention I received was not good! It was letchy & horrible, especially from a close friend of H's. (one I would never expect it from too!)
He also asked why H was divorcing ME, which annoyed me a tad!!

Winnie, no I never thought I would get this far! There was a time when I knew I had to leave one day, but didn't know if I would EVER find the strength!
It is all very horrible though isn't it?
I hope you are well.

Last night I was very emotional & today I have felt a bit out of it at work.
This afternoon we had a child protection course, which wasn't the easiest thing to sit through right at this moment in time.
Just to finish my day off, I had a blimmin paper cutter fall on my foot when I opened a cupboard door! It was friggin painful!!

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 02/10/2006 16:18

bibbybec, I am glad things are better for you now. Thank you for your reassurance.

OP posts:
essbee · 02/10/2006 16:20

Message withdrawn

Original poster
messyoldmess · 02/10/2006 16:23

I get your point totally, essbee! I am a very messy cacoon atm!!

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 02/10/2006 16:33

The messy cacoon is what I feel like atm, I am not saying that your point is that I am a messy cacoon btw!
Best ignore me today, I am not at all with it!

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 02/10/2006 18:57

Not doing well at all tonight!

OP posts:
Caribbeanqueen · 02/10/2006 19:02

Hello messyoldmess! Sorry you are feeling bad this weekend. Is there any chance you can meet up with a friend and do something nice for your birthday tomorrow?