Finding this seperation business so hard.

[messyoldmess]

My H & I are in the process of seperation & will be going straight for divorce. I know it is the right thing to do, but I am finding it all so hard to cope with it all atm.
Things seem to be moving on very fast, but we are still living under the same roof & it is completely doing my head in. I am so so scared, I have never felt so low & frightened. I am frightened of being alone & I feel so sad for my children, thinking of all they have to come.
I know we have to do this, but everytime I really focus on the months ahead I end up in tears.
I wasn't going to post on here, but I am feeling so alone & need to talk. I would love to hear some positive stories from those who have come out the other side of this.

Ohps! Didn't want, that should say! I am SO crap!!

So he wasn't involved in the making of the babies then?

Do excuse my terrible English last night - I had shared two bottles of wine with a friend, so was a tad tipsy!

He does seem to think both pregnancies were my fault. He keeps telling me how stupid I was to take my mini pill 5 hours late (this is how DS1 was conceived) & how I should have read the instructions better!
DS2 was the result of my IBS messing with my pill. H blamed me for his arrival because he would have terminated if it was left to him.

When I first went to counselling shortly after DS2's birth, I really believed that I was at fault for messing up H's life.
I know now that I am not.

HI guys just dropping in as I have become a queen on eBay selling all my stuff in order to pay for removals etc. I am fine and it is the anniversary tonight of the night I finally came to my senses over X. Hurrah!

glitterfairy, congratulations
WEll done you for your ebaying too... whatever it takes... hope things are calmer for you and the feelings of it being worth it now outway the stess

Messy, how is everything?

Blimey, has it been a year, glitterfairy??
I remember your original thread about it all.
Well done on the ebay selling too - it's rather addictive isn't it??

Hi winnie, how are you?

I am ok right at this moment in time! H is in bed, so I have peace & wine!
Best I think about getting myself to bed soon, as I have to get DS2 to nursery tomorrow morning!

Wow, 1 year, Glitterfairy. It's good to know that you have survived it - I imagine that things can only get better now. Hope so anyway. Congrats on your e-baying. I've just sold almost all our babystuff (not like I'm going to need it again) but haven't been brave enough to sell it on Ebay so am very impressed!

Peace & wine, Messy - perfect! Hope everything is ok.

Message withdrawn

Hello tyedye. More than ok my life is good at the moment! Loads of love to you all!

Really pleased to hear that life is good for you atm, glitterfairy.

Hi
I am in the process of divorce and it is awful. I wish I could scrub away the past and forget my feelings but I can't. An ex-work colleague of mine was in a similar situation to you. He told me things from the man's perspective. He loved his daughter and his wife and didn't want to get divorced but she told him he was boring and she didn't want him in her life any more. He couldn't date for a year after that, when he finally moved out of the family home, she speedily moved a new man in. She wanted him to carry on paying the mortgage on their four bedroom home, for her, their daughter and her new boyfriend to live in. When he said no, he will not pay for another man to live there, the divorce got nasty. This man is truly a good father and hates what this is doing to his daughter. Her mother frequently goes on holiday with the new fella leaving her daughter with his father as she doesn't want her spoiling her fun. She has an awful relationship with her daughter and never does anything with her not even going to the park. Fred(false name) is left to pick up the pieces and explain why mummy is so mean to her. He will never be able to get custody unless his ex-wife does something terrible so he is stuck with this situation, that he did not cause and never wanted. I always think that men don't suffer in divorce an d get on only grumbling about the financial injustice of it all but it's not always like that.

I hope things get easier for you.

messyoldmess, how are you doing?

"It sounds exhausting, Xenia! Why does your ex not see the children?"
No idea. He does see the youngest for 2 hours on a Sunday afternoon, regular as clockwork. If he can't do that time he just misses the week, won't take another time even if it meant missing 6 or 7 weeks in the summer because of our holidays.
Most fathers seem to keep some sense of moral responsibility for their children after divorce and in fact love them so don't want to be parted frm them but he isn't like that. I wondered if he was a bit on the aspergers/autistic spectrum despite being very sociable, because although he could go through the motions or words of love or a cuddle it was all kind of fake and false somehow.

He knows the older 3 wanted us to divorce (because of his conduct, moods, shouting, criticism of them and me at home for years and years beforehand) so perhaps feels rejected by them. They were all still at school when he left but now at university but he could still send them a birthday present or ask them round to his house for a meal, try to mend some bridges. They have tried calling (he hangs up) and texting on his birthday (no answer). It's so stupid. He was a very involved father for 19 years of marriage. He seems to think divorce equals divorce from the children. Never once had them for a weekend since he left over 3 years ago and yet lives 5 mins away in an unmortgaged 5 bed detached house bought with the money I had to pay him on the divorce. So unfair and other divored mothers I meet they have every other weekend "off" because their ex has the children. BUT much much better than when he was here so that's better over all.

I hope you manage to sort things out. The important thing is to press ahead, issue a divorce petition - if you're going down that route and then agree the finances and contact with him as quickly as you can both agree it.

I think some men and probably women do go through the motions of saying they love people Xenia but not realising what that entails or means. My X has given me £1,000 for his three kids he says he loves in the whole year he has been away and for me that is abdicating moral responsibility.

In the end they get what they deserve because their kids judge them for their behaviour and the way they act. On the other hand the effort which I now put in to keeping my kids clothed, fed and happy is re paid to me a billion times over every day in the love I get back. Hard work and stressful yes but like you much much happier.

Oh Xenia, how sad. I can't believe your ex is so cold towards his own children.
My H has actually been a lot more attentive around the children recently because he knows he won't see them all the time soon. He is still a bad tempered git though!
This morning he nearly shattered a milk bottle because he couldn't find the top to the deep fat fryer! He just stopped himself in time.
I am struggling a little atm & went to see my gp on Thursday. He has requested more counselling for me.
Going back for another horrible mediation session on the 25th & will be seeing my solicitor soon after to get things started.
Dreading it all BIG time!