What's good is being promoted, how about what's absolutely shit?

[fatedtopretend]

There are loads of threads saying "it's hard being a single parent, but it's sooooo worth it" etc.
I want one that is blunt and honest and pissed off when it needs to be.

I'll start.

Tonight I want to be dressed up with my best "fuck me" outfit on. I want bottles of corona and tequila shots and mad, sweaty, horrible sex when we get in. Instead I am watching house alone. Nothing wrong with house but I just feel sad.

[dayshiftdoris]

Everything, everyone has said...

Then can I add this and be a little self-pitying

My son has ASD so even though I have people who would walk on water to help me babysit he is often too unsettled or challenging to be left or it has to be balanced against everything else he is coping with and generally I will put other things before me going out.

And because he has ASD there are professionals involved who feel sorry for me too - and say things like 'you need a life too, it's really important' with no understanding of what I face as a single parent, never mind his difficulties...

it infuriates me and makes me sad too

[Aloneandnowwhat]

I'm particularly struggling today, working full time so never see the kids and when I do I'm so tired I snap at them and shout. I want our time together to be perfect but I'm doing everything myself so don't have the time to just be with them.

[Theincidental]

I know that alone. It's so tough. When I feel I'm teetering I really want to just ask someone else to takeover tag team style and reinforce what I'm trying to do/say. Sometimes all I need is ten mins to calm down, but hiding in the loo seems do silly!

[Quangle]

agree with twothousand. I make it work because I sacrifice a huge amount of myself. I'm ok with that but if I had someone else to work with, I would exist more iyswim.

And being sick and having to look after DCs is the absolutely most horrible thing ever. I've only ever had bouts of sickness or tonsillitis - nothing really serious - but it is the pits. I can't imagine how you deal with a really serious illness.

[chocoraisin]

I'd like a house elf. Or a cleaner.

A friend of mine came round today and was astonished by the speed with which I cleared about 100 ball pool balls from the living room (2 mins, don't ask) and the fact that I washed the sofa covers and shampooed the carpet last night (vom incident) and that is all normal because my default setting these days is DO IT NOW there will not be another chance... there is no second pair of hands, no helping person about to arrive, if I don't sort the vom/poo/health and safety disaster right now then it'll be on ME when the DS's fall/tantrum etc. It's always on me. I don't even notice how self-sufficient I've become.

It makes me sad that my friends wonder at the super mum act but just have no idea how close I am to scraping myself off the carpet at the end of the night, along with said vom.

And I do have a bf but it breaks my heart when he leaves and my DS2 (nearly 2) who has never known his daddy other than e.o.w contact (we split while I was pg) looks at the door, tries to get out and says 'Daddy X gone, door, gone, daddy gone'.

For the record I've never once called DP daddy, encouraged it or allowed it. We both correct it. Nevertheless, its shit that he doesn't know what or who his daddy is, only that daddy (whichever one he's referring to at the time) is a word that is ALWAYS followed with 'gone'.

:(

[revealall]

Logistics is shit.
On the plus side it does change. When you have a 10 year old you can suddenly leave the house to get said milk,walk the dog,pop into town etc .and then you remember those long lonely nights differently. I want my little snugly child who just wanted me, milk and stories back now.

[Solasum]

I hate that I have to basically force DS's dad to spend time with him. Can he not see how amazing DqS is? I would happily keep him all to myself, but never want to be in a position when DS can thunk that I drove his dad away. Apparently everything is my fault.

[Catrin]

Well, the alternative to single, is being stuck with the vile fucker, so single does rock a little bit for me.
However... am pissed off, sat up watching crap on TV as need to rant and have noone to rant at. So am on my 3rd glass of wine. Need to decide this week on schools for dd, looooong story, but is a big deal as she has SEN and my friends try to get it, but they aren't properly invested like a parent is. Or one of the parents anyway. The other couldn't care less. And then complains when I don't tell him stuff. SO I tell him and he shrugs. And I don't tell him and he moans and AAAAGH!!!

[MargotThreadbetter]

I would love to go to the gym regularly.
Pre DS I was size 10 and fit as a flea. Now I'm a 16 and so unfit. My 'me time' in the evening when DS is asleep consists of TV and chocolate. Every bloody night.
Boring but also comforting in a strange way.

The other thing is that DS spends so much time alone. No siblings and just me. So when I'm doing something eg showering he's alone. He seems content but it still bothers me.

[Lioninthesun]

Catrin that is the beauty of MN!Start a thread on here listing all of the schools and you get sage advice from everywhere I assume you have visited them all and didn't get a 'feeling' that swayed you? I am looking a year early for DD as our area has a shortage of places and I have to be very prepared or she won't get in anywhere!

Margaret I have the same thing about DD being alone. She is in nursery though so gets a bit of socialisation and every single one of my mummy friends has commented on how well she plays alone. Apparently it is a delight to have her over as she focuses on one thing and rarely needs as much attention as other kids. She'll sit and play snap or colour in for 20mins for example where other kids are rushing from one thing to another like a whirlwind. I think it may help with their focus at school, so try to think of it as a positive!

[bibliomania]

On the whole I like being a single parent, helped immeasurably by the fact that I have just one dd, who is generally pretty easy.

However, I would like:

a) a big reassuring manly hug at the end of a hard day

b) two incomes! I'm on an average salary, and currently eyeing up mortgages, and it would be so much more realistic with another income. Also, my exH has cost me huge sums of money by dragging me through court pointlessly - there goes my house deposit.

c) sex. I have spent the entire second half of my thirties without it.

d) I would have liked the chance to give my dd a sibling.

As Catrin says, it's still a lot better than being lumbered with the vile fucker, so swings and roundabouts.

[funkymoon]

Great thread, and i agree with everything everyone else has said.
It really is shitty most of the time isn't it?
My ds's are 13 and 8, and my dd is 2. So i have the terrible teens, an inbetweener and a terrible toddler to deal with by myself pretty much most of the time.
I do get a break from them now and again, usually once a month so i look forward to that time but the rest of the time is pretty manic and stressful.

One thing along with everything else i miss, that i notice a lot of the time these days is being able to just think straight with no noise.
I never took much notice to that saying "I can't think straight" before i was a single parent and now it literally does my head in when i'm deep in thought about something important, or whatever it is.
Then you hear...."Mum, mum, mum, mum muuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!"
Omg it really pisses me off to have to run along and say "Yes darling what's the matter?" When all you wanted to do was finish the list of crap you were originally thinking about in your head that needs doing.

And those horrible times, that aren't their fault but feel like it at the time, when they all want you for something all at the same damn time.
The toddler needs a nappy change and has spilled yogurt everywhere, the 8 yr old wants you to play monopoly with him (kill me now)....and the teenager cant find his phone.
They are all moaning on at you and its completely all your fault and they all hate you now because you never spend any time with them or help them with anything because you are always with the toddler.
Story of my life.

The nights alone used to bore the life out of me, but now as soon as the boys are in bed by 9pm i get a few hours to myself that i cherish now, i either watch tv, browse the internet or play my PS3...those few hours are bliss to me!

[Meglet]

I will probably drop dead with a heart attack (due to the stress) or skin cancer (because I can't check all of my moles).

[fatedtopretend]

I am losing my dp as we never get any fun times, I get a babysitter once a fortnight on a week day-she doesn't see her dad-never has-he has no interest, this means I get home from work, put dd to bed, go to his for 8.30ish and he is asleep on the sofa by half 9. It is poo.

[whitedoorbell]

funkymoon exactly... overall I don't mind it. much better than with vile fucker exh.
but still would love some peace and quiet and a cuddle and a shag!

[funkymoon]

Anyone else totally put the mere idea of dating again to the back of their mind for a few more years yet? As much as it would be nice, how can one go on dates, and find the time to get to know a new man...and then all the waiting for months to introduce the kids...the whole thing sounds impossible to me. I don't have time to shave my legs let alone go on dates and whatnot hahaha.. While our exes are probably enjoying their single life of no responsibilities or worries!

[whitedoorbell]

funkmoon I have tried online dating. met one guy but not really convinced he is "the one"

like you said I am tired and so busy I don't see how it can really work. I would like ideally to see someone several times a week but without kids in tow so that means waitig till they are in bed and then I just want a cuddle and to go to bed... not hours of chat etc
so I am with you on this... how do I have time for it all?
is altogether pretty shit

[Magmar]

My best friend has just read this and has now decided not to leave her abusive partner. Not the point of the thread but it really won't help people struggling to make that decision.

[bibliomania]

Noooo! It's still a million miles better than being with an abusive partner. Honestly, in my years in MN, I have never ever heard one single person saying she wished she'd stayed with an abusive ex, because that was better than being a single parent. Honestly, start a thread with that topic and see what the answers there.

People are still allowed to vent, and if she's going to seize on that and make it the basis for her decision, it's because she's scrabbling around for a reason not to leave. It's not fair to blame the people venting.

[LavenderGreen14]

I agree - being alone for the next 40 years will be 100 times better than walking on eggshells and waiting for the next attack from an abusive man.

Magmar - will your friend consider contacting Women's Aid for some help?

[funkymoon]

I agree with Bibliomania, No-one here is saying it's better to stay with a horrible ex than be a single parent.
I think it's healthy to have somewhere to vent rather than bottle it up.
I'm sorry your friend is going bad times, i hope she finds the strength to leave him.

[Meglet]

magmar Being a LP is a billion times better than staying with an crap partner. I feel so sorry for people who are unable to make the jump and leave a crap relationship. Neither should anyone stay for the sake of the children, that way misery lies.

[fatedtopretend]

Magmar, did you mean to be so rude?

[misstiredbuthappy]

We all have our down days. But reading this thread had kinda cheered me up. Not reading how hard/miserable it can be but that im not the only one going through a tough time. Because sometimes it feels like the worlds against you doesnt it !

We should have mugs made .. "im a LP an ill moan if i want to" haha