What's good is being promoted, how about what's absolutely shit?

[fatedtopretend]

There are loads of threads saying "it's hard being a single parent, but it's sooooo worth it" etc.
I want one that is blunt and honest and pissed off when it needs to be.

I'll start.

Tonight I want to be dressed up with my best "fuck me" outfit on. I want bottles of corona and tequila shots and mad, sweaty, horrible sex when we get in. Instead I am watching house alone. Nothing wrong with house but I just feel sad.

[Lioninthesun]

Don't get me wrong Fated I also think the CSA have been helpful for me. They know exp is cheating the system and have made it very clear. They have tried to help all along the way. However, they also always remark how frustrating it is for them to do the job they do when over half of the families they are trying to help have men hiding assets and they can't prove it.

My previous post wasn't CSA bashing, but an attempt to give them more access to use the powers they apparently have but for some reason (lack of govt funding?) don't use. If they started repossessing cars worth more than £20k from parents supposedly on minimum wage or began short term prison sentences and fines for men claiming not to be earning who are caught earning/tax avoidance for example, I doubt they would have to do this for long before NRP started to suddenly changed their earnings and paid what these children are legally entitled to. It would save the govt a fortune in the long run and help some of the poorest families in our country.

Sorry for the long post!
Back to OP, I actually do wish single parenthood on a couple of my friends. They are miserable and could do a much better job alone IMO. They just need to have the self confidence to see it and realise how much damage their broken relationships are having on their DC already.

[fatedtopretend]

Noises. I hate noises while I am in bed, there is no one to check them for me. (Stupid drunks near my garden)

[Bigbird01]

Fated - once our burglar alarm went off in the middle of the night. My ex cowered under the duvet, while I went downstairs to check what was going on!!

[fatedtopretend]

Oh dear bigbird! That's not the reassurance I was thinking of

[Bigbird01]

Yeah - I'm kind of hoping that when I eventually meet 'Mr Right' he has more balls (or any)! You think something like that would have set alarm bells ringing, but I still married him!!

[Theincidental]

sezamcgregor

I don't get anything like that in tax credits despite the fact I work ft as well. Have you calculated how much yours will go down under universal credit? Check the stats and projections via turn to us. Single parents are disproportionally affected by UC in a negative way.

You now have to pay to access the csa and the vast majority of claimants are women already on low incomes who can ill afford the charges.

Legal aid services for family law have been withdrawn, so very hard for single parents to fight for their children or financial dues when there's no funding.

Welfare support and aid has gone down across virtually all sectors, (except the elderly) and that adds to the tightening of finances for those affected including large numbers of single parents. That also includes various other education grants, crisis loans and assistance schemes.

Working FT as a single parent is extremely hard when there is no one else to share days where children are sick, childcare arrangements and costs and finding an employer that is supportive or permits flexible working is not easy.

The media presentation of single parents is one of feckless freeloaders, whose children grow up to become tearaways, despite several studies and reports that indicate otherwise.

So please explain to me why you think we're getting such a good deal?

[MargotThreadbetter]

Aaaarrrrggghhh! Can I just vent here ladies?
Stupid ex bastard has just informed me that due to my unreasonable behaviour ( ie not taking any of his EA crap and challenging him when he's cruel and insensitive to me) he's going to cut contact with DS.

Conveniently this coincides with ex qualifying from uni and about to look for work which means child support would start.
He said in a text that I make things up (he Gaslights like a pro) and that he'll get back in touch with DS when he's old enough to talk.
I've stupidly been facilitating FaceTime twice per day as we live in different countries. We rowed yesterday because he flatly denied saying something that was very cruel and untrue. I got angry (stupidly) and it's led to this.

I really don't give a shiny shit if I never clap eyes on the abusive arse again, but what about DS?
Will he hate me for losing this time with his father?
(Background: ex dumped me when I told him I was preg, continued to live with me for 6 months, made me cry nearly every night of my pregnancy, and was shagging OW whom he moved in with when DS was 12 weeks old)

I feel that I have been more than fair, but I've just had enough. My last communication was to say that I'll only communicate by email because of his abusive attitude and this was his response. I have never, ever denied my son's right to see his father.

[susiedaisy]

Of course you can vent Margot.

You can't win sometimes can you. Sorry to hear you're havin a hard time.

[Lioninthesun]

Margot sorry to hear you've had this happen. He does sound like a fucktard. Has he sent in writing he won't see/speak to DS? I think you are right only communicating via email, much less chance of them being able to gaslight and you have a complete record of how they act. I'd say you have done more than enough and if he wants facetime or whatever he will have to instigate it from now on. How old is your son? He is possibly aware you live in different countries so maybe the transition won't be as hard as you think?
Be kind to yourself

[Bigbird01]

Oh Margot! He sounds like an absolute shit!

You might be surprised how switched on your son will be, even very young. My DCs have told me tonight that they want to see their grandpa (my ex FIL, but not with Daddy. My ex was EA to me and started towards the DCs (which is what finally gave me the courage to leave him) and he is absolutely horrid to his Dad. Although they are too young to express how they feel, they know it upsets them to be in that environment.

I understand how you feel - I am trying hard to maintain a relationship between my ex and my DCs. However, my ex has shown an interest in being involved still and only lives 10 minutes away. In your circumstances, if your son is able to express an opinion I would go with it. If he wants to spend time talking to / with his father, try to make it as easy as possible. If he doesn't (and his father isn't that fussed), don't force it.

[MargotThreadbetter]

Thanks for your replies girls.
Yes email from now on. He is emotionally abusive and controlling so hates that DS lives with me (he's 19 months old Lion)
I have been very careful in the wording of the email I sent, and have stated that I'm in no way stopping access to his son. The choice is his, though I'm sure he'll slag me to his family as he's trying to shift his guilt onto me.
Oh well, they'll believe what they want I suppose!
Unfortunately Bigbird my DS just goes with the flow but often he'd rather be playing than looking at a phone! He's not that verbal at the moment. Sorry to hear you're having difficulties too

[fatedtopretend]

Slightly off topic but does anyone else find themselves with a very short fuse at bedtimes? I cannot take the screaming nearly every night, there is no one to take over!

[Bigbird01]

Oh yes, fated. Bedtimes are the toughest!

I don't know what is happening with my DS. He has started to get really upset every time he has to go to his Dads. I had an appointment this evening and ExH doesn't have them during the week, but did agree to look after them for an hour for me (although wasn't prepared to take them to their swimming lesson). When I told them my DS burst into tears, really sobbing... I tried getting him to tell me what was making him upset, but he said he just wanted to stay with me.
He was the same last weekend. Now I'm getting concerned because I am away for 2 nights next weekend (they usually only have one night a week with him) and I don't know how he is going to react.

He seems ok when I drop them off and always fine when I pick them up.

[Meglet]

That people assume because XP was an abusive shit and we had the police & WA involved that I'm living in hiding miles away from where he is.

Well, no. I have a house (with a mortgage), a job, the DC's had a great nursery and my family are nearby I so can't just swan off and set up a new life somewhere else . We're in the same house we always were. So if he ever has cause to flip out again, he knows where we are.

And AFAIK XP is still living in the same town. I have to keep my head down and avoid town at weekends, certain supermarkets, roads etc.

It does, as they say, get right on my tits.

[Lioninthesun]

Meglet that is tough. Do you see him around often? I moved mainly because of my ex turning up uninvited. It's such an invasion of privacy and makes you realise how vulnerable you can be - I felt like a sitting duck just waiting for his next big appearance. The stress can be quite consuming.
Any way you could do a house swap or down/upsize to somewhere a few roads away or anything? Moving is stressful but the relief I have knowing he has no idea where we are now takes his whole power game out of the equation apart from the dicking about with CSA

[Meglet]

We can move (am in house hunting hell even as I type, first world pains and all that!) but it will be within the same part of town near the kids school and we're still in touch with his family anyway. So unless I went NC with them I can't just vanish.

Sitting duck sums it up actually. I did get away from him without being hit (a mutal friend has since told me he hits his new gf), but the verbal threats, abuse and damage to my car were bloody awful.

In the 5yrs since we split I've spotted him a couple of times a year. Usually he's driving but a couple of times in town.

[Bigbird01]

Damn! Just realised I haven't got enough milk for breakfast and kids are in bed!!

That is one of my top hates about being on my own!

[Meglet]

Bigbird - I know it's too late for today but you could look into getting your milk delivered in the mornings? I've used milk & more for a year and it saves me a lot of hassle. IIRC you can amend orders until 9pm the night before.

[susiedaisy]

When my dc were smaller I used to keep long life milk in cupboard for emergencies. And you can freeze milk as well.

[Lioninthesun]

YY to Emergancy Milk! It's a necessity on the shopping list for me and we are currently using some as no cash until tomorrow. Luckily we get 1pt free on Friday's from nursery as well as they always over order. I also get the part cooked bread for the cupboard as well as bread is another staple.

[sezamcgregor]

theincidental

I don't know what more information I can give you to support why I feel I'm getting a good deal.

Tax Credits allow for me to have more excess income than some couples that I know.

My Tax Credits will go down next year by around £50 per week with this year's being based on my low earnings last tax year.

I don't get any CSA payments or have exP involved at all - so perhaps that is why my situation seems better to me - as it's just us two?

[Meglet]

I hope this whinge doesn't come across as nasty, because I really don't wish misery on everyone, but watching other LP friends all couple up again really gets me .

I am truly pleased they've met new partners but I won't get the chance, I work and have the kids every weekend, year in year out .

[Lioninthesun]

Don't worry about sounding nasty Meg - we all know what you mean sure half of my rants about ex sound like hell on wheels, but if you can't rant to strangers, eh? . I know I don't have time for a partner right now, but it doesn't mean a fling wouldn't be nice! Ego boosts are always good.
I feel bad when I look at couples and try to guess which are the 3 in 5 who won't be together by the time their child is 5...

[Meglet]

Oh, I do that sometimes. Then I remember that some of them probably are in a crap marriage but not quite at crunch point yet. At least we're out the other side.

I work with a girl who's just got married and from what I hear it sounds like a potential car crash . She always talks about them bickering. Some people are terrified of being on their own though aren't they, I can understand that.

[susiedaisy]

Yes there are lots of couples in shitty stale marriages. Struggling on but really not liking each other very much. I notice it more now I'm single.