Dealing with your child's stepmother

[singleproudmum]

My ex and I have 2 small children and he is now married to the woman he left our family for.
Since we split, about 5yrs ago, myself and my kids have had nothing but hassle from this woman, she belittles me to my kids and has little digs at them. I have told my ex how she treats our kids but he doesn't believe me as my children say that she is always nice when their dad's around.

Obviously, I have asked the ex to see the kids without his wife around but he won't hear of it. My kids want to see their dad and the only way they can is if she is there too.

I was hoping for any advice as to how I could get her to stop her snide remarks, why does she hate me and my children when she helped to break my family apart?

Also, I do realise that most stepmum's treat their partner's children well!

I don't think there is anything you can do to stop her snide remarks.

I would concentrate on listening without judgement to your kids - ie don't comment on what they say. Empower them to deal with their feelings about it and cope with her. I would read "how to listen so kids will talk and talk so kids will listen"

Be careful you don't fall into the trap of your dc saying what they think you want to hear.

Sounds horrible for them and you but somehow you need to help your dc develop thick skins so her digs bounce of them. If you try and bring it up with your ex it's just going to be seen as bitterness on your part.

If she was a StepMum who came into their lives a few years after your split up and settled into your life then she would probably be one of the nice one's.

This woman actively persued (he was as much to blame) a married man with two young children. She is now the Mrs, and no doubt paranoid, she competed with you once and she won, she is probably scared that he will want you back, he can only make as much committment to her as he did to you, marriage. I imagine she wants children, and this may be why she is not so nice to your kids.

Women who walk into families be they broken up one's, quite often don't want the old family to have existed, they resent the time, emotions and money the old family in her view drain from her Mr Perfect have every legal and moral right to have.

You have to ask yourself what kind of woman are you dealing with?

Someone who will take what they want no matter the cost to others is not going to be an ideal Stepmother, is she, don't expect her to be a decent person, she has shown you over and over agin by her behaviour she is a nasty, damaged, selfish, subhuman type not like you.

I would let your children know that there are all kinds of people in life, and mention some other kids they know include someone nasty like stepmother, someone neutral and someone nice and tell them people are all made up differently, as is stepmother, and leave them to join the dots up themselves.

I would tell them that they should tell Daddy straight away If they say they don't like her or something - then the same thing - tell them to tell Daddy (as well as you) as it's Daddy that chooses to live with her.

Tell your DH if it doesn't stop, you will be getting your contact arrangement reassessed as you wont have the kids continually upset by her.

InterestedInMoving is probably right about the stepmother feeling a bit insecure, and guilt has always made people behave defensively, as if they're the ones who have been wronged.

Knowing all that, how about being a bit devious and taking the moral high ground by being extra nice. You could call a meeting and say something along the lines of:

"Since XH and I split up and I know that none of us got off to the best start. I've probably not helped matters because I was hurt and angry, but it's been 5 years now and it is in everyone's interests, especially the children, that we put it all behind us. We might never become friends, and that's ok, but I'd like us to behave in a friendly way, so that I can drop off the kids without there being an atmosphere and so that the kids feel comfortable whoever they are with."

By being the bigger person you might end up manipulating her so that her only option is to start behaving herself or expose herself as a mean, spiteful person. Sometimes being extra nice and reasonable is the best way to deal with spiteful, unreasonable types.

It may not work of course, but HTH.

InterestedInMoving - so apt and realistic

Whatever you do, do not head to the step parenting forum - I did and it opened my eyes to a world where the EX is always wrong and this is validated all the time, it made me very sad and angry that adults can be so harsh on children.

Being a step is difficult but it beggars belief how difficult some people want to make it for the children

singleproudmum - A very scary glimpse of the future for me!

The whole time I was pregnant, an old gf of my baby's father sent email after email to me calling me every name under the sun, saying I wasnt good enough for him, that she was the one & she would prove it by getting him back & that I should never have chosen to keep our baby. To this day I've never even met her!

The whole time, my baby's dad was like, 'I'll have a word with her, it's not on, I'll put a stop to it.' She never stopped sending them until I contacted the police & had her warned away for harassment.

He left me & our 4 month old DS 6 weeks ago to get back with her.

The emails have started again, I get them through facebook now too but he's changed his tune now! All of a sudden I'M the one who's in the wrong, he's saying she's a saint who vehemently denies sending me anything, that I'm lying to cause trouble between them & split them up because I'm jealous.

She says things about my baby, saying he looks just like me - fat, that she'll always be first, "that baby" will never matter to my EXP the way she does. And she's right. Because when I tell my EXP what she says he say's that she's never said anything like that in front of him & I'm stooping to an all time low making up that she's insulting our baby now too, not just me.

Very frustrating & disheartening. I'm terrified too of when DS gets older & starts understanding the things she's saying.

Thanks for posting this here, in the step parenting threads you tend to get beaten down by people saying they treat their step kids as their own. Which I think is wonderful. My father is step dad to my older brother and he's treated him as if he were his own for the last 25 years. But there are also problems like yours & its nice to find people who are in the same boat & to get some helpful advice.

My XH's fiancée is the same. He doesn't help matters by being bitter and spiteful and not even civil towards me, so I suppose she sees how he treats me and thinks it's ok for her to do the same. She upsets my daughter regularly, and recently went through my daughter's phone and found a not-particularly complimentary message about her that my daughter had sent to her BFF. There was hell to pay for that one!

I agree with just trying to ensure that your children know that everyone is different, that sometimes people will say hurtful things and not realise it, etc. Make sure you never say anything bad about them in earshot of your children. And make sure your children know that nothing their dad or stepmum say about you hurts you (even if you cry into a pillow about it once they're in bed!).

My children are at the stage now (DS is 11, DD is almost 10) where they want to stick up for me, and hate it when their dad and his fiancée slag me off. I've just told them that they must always be respectful and well-behaved and that I don't care what they say about me. I don't want them to get themselves into trouble on my behalf.

My XH has behaved like this towards me for 7 years. I'm used to it now! But everyone has always told me that eventually the kids will realise for themselves that their father/stepmother's behaviour is unacceptable/unreasonable. I never believed it, but I think it's starting to happen.

I just smile and be extra-nice, which irritates XH/fiancée far more than me biting back

Just wondered how old the DCs are? I know it's easy to say and hard to do, but ignore the comments - your children will learn who are the 'adults' and who they can trust. Parents who denigrate another parent don't win the trust of children long term - and it isn't a good basis for a relationship.

Have some strategy to deal with it (come on here and vent!!) and the best approach is not to react. Always put the children genuinely first and it's good if they enjoy spending time with their father. (you have done well to have that situation). I know it feels tough but you only get one chance at raising your children and you don't want to have regrets that silly comments impacted you.

I wonder, does the new wife have any children of her own.?? I must admit I became a much nicer stepmum after I had kids of my own. Not that I was a horrible one - I hope. I think we become less selfish/selfcentred people in general anyway once we have kids, and it became plain how horrible it would be for my sons if they had to share DH with a new girlfriend. ( I didnt 'steal' DS btw. They were already in the divorce process when I met him!)

Knowing it from both sides I think that if DH and I ever split I would not want to be with anyone else till they were much older because I would not want anyone to feel about my sons how negatively I felt about my step kids on occasion when they were being 'challenging'.

I'm not saying that your children would deliberately lie op but these are the kinds of things I know my DSD says to her mother to keep her happy and tell her what she wants to hear - i.e. that I am not a patch on her mother and generally crap and horrid etc.

Its difficult and a lot depends on the child and how they feel about the stepparent. My DS2 doesnt like his stepmum at all. Mostly I think it is because she isnt me and has a completely different parenting style. He resents having to leave his home and go 2hrs to his dads every other week to stay soemwhere he doesnt want to be.

DS1 is much more laid back and just goes with the flow. He is generally much hapier about the situation.

If you listened to both boys opinions independantly, you would think they were going to completely different homes with different stepmothers

My solution is to listen and try not to be judgemental

elastamum you could be talking about me, and your sons, my stepsons. It has always baffled me, I feel I have treated them equally but one seems to resent me enormously and the other other respects and appreciates me and I think may even love me a little .

I only wish their mum would take your approach.

My dd was 3 when her dad left us and she had a decent relationship with him, however when she was 7 he met his now wife. They got married when DD was 9 and therefore started living together and dd then contstantly complained that stepmum was horrible to her, was always telling her off, telling her what she could and could not wear, that exh never did anything with her anymore cos stepmum would not let him etc. I spoke to exh about this and he just said 'I side with stepmum cos she gives me grief if i dont and i just want a quiet life!!'. Anyway i always encouraged dd to still see her dad but as she got older she went less and less and complained more and more but exh refused to back dd on anything.

Well the bottom line is that when dd turned 14 she decided to cut exh out of her life completely and she is now almost 16 and has not had any contact with him at all for almost 2 years. She says her dad never ever put her first or backed her up on anything and that means he does not love her. I have tried to persuade her to give her dad a chance but she is just so hurt by him.

As your kids get older they will make their own mind up about their dad/stepmum.

Have NEVER slagged off single mums... have been one myself for years
Also, I never said anyone 'wasn't allowed' on stepparenting threads... I advised one particularly toxic poster with no grasp on what being a step parent was all about that it would be better to stay away as their comments were unhelpful and unfounded.. double