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Original poster

Dealing with your child's stepmother

243 replies

singleproudmum · 24/01/2011 22:32

My ex and I have 2 small children and he is now married to the woman he left our family for.
Since we split, about 5yrs ago, myself and my kids have had nothing but hassle from this woman, she belittles me to my kids and has little digs at them. I have told my ex how she treats our kids but he doesn't believe me as my children say that she is always nice when their dad's around.

Obviously, I have asked the ex to see the kids without his wife around but he won't hear of it. My kids want to see their dad and the only way they can is if she is there too.

I was hoping for any advice as to how I could get her to stop her snide remarks, why does she hate me and my children when she helped to break my family apart?

Also, I do realise that most stepmum's treat their partner's children well!

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 28/01/2011 15:06

Yes I do think you have shown passive agressive traits on this thread.

LadyTremaine · 28/01/2011 15:07

As I said though, minority...

I've had 3 boyfriends. So if I had another 97 there's a chance 1-5 of them would have one of these issues? That's not really something to worry about is it?

LadyTremaine · 28/01/2011 15:08

Really? WHich?

Rhadegunde · 28/01/2011 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyTremaine · 28/01/2011 15:09

I don't really know a lot about this issue but that seems to make sense Rhadegunde... theyre not all out there using their new partner to make their ex partner crazy..

MummieHunnie · 28/01/2011 15:12

Rhadegunde, I agree a great deal of people in power are of the type already discussed, your description is not the full story, the description of power and control is correct, abusive is not just violence! Oh dear these people will never have enough power to forfill their needs, they will always want more, they learn to behave to what is socially expected, they have litte or no empathy for others that is a very dangerous person!

MummieHunnie · 28/01/2011 15:13

LadyT, they get off on hurting others!

LadyTremaine · 28/01/2011 15:16

Calm down mummiehunnie, there arent many of them!!!!

Rhadegunde · 28/01/2011 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MummieHunnie · 28/01/2011 15:17

There was a fantastic example of tv recently of a lovely man who was married for a long time to his wife, he had brain surgery and afterwards he had no empathy, she stuck around, he just did not care about her or her feeling anymore, she hung around as she was married and had remembered the good times, they were using this man to research on the type of person already mentioned. The psychopath/narc knows that to get a victim they know socially what to do to hook them, they mirror what the victim likes/does so the victim falls inlove with themselves, the when they have a victim hooked, it is turned off, they will turn on the charm again from time to time to keep the hook going, they then abuse and manipulate the victim to get what they want, the victim is often clueless, and they know what type of people to go for!

MummieHunnie · 28/01/2011 15:21

LadyT, What do you mean calm down, I am clam, are you prjecting your fears that you don't feel calm now with the way the thread is going? I am explaing to you as you asked why people would be posting what they are if it was not true!

I don't think you are being fair to the step-mothers on this thread. And I do think you are reading too much of your personal situation into their comments.

What has talking about the way abusers use women who are happy to be abused being unfair, surely it is informing?

I am speaking as someone who has spoken to victims at a women's centre, there are many many men out there like it, and lots of women some of wich are stepmothers who will be victims of these men!

It is what the reality of life is!

LadyTremaine · 28/01/2011 15:30

I was referring to your post of 15.12. It sounded like you were getting upset about these people so I was just saying that there arent enough of them to get worried about and it seems that you suspect everyone of being one so it's particularly unlikely in your case that you would end up with one again.

I may be wrong as i can't always judge yout tone through typing but I don't beleive that you were merely 'informing' you're not daft I can see that from your posts. You were incinuating (and more than incinuating at times) that my partner and/or I are abusers.. Which is just plain strange considering what i have told you.

It is a sad reality fo rsome yes, and my heart goes out, but it isnt a normal reality for many people in the grand scheme of things so \i don't think it appropriate to start suggesting that just because I think my partners ex is mad.. we are both abusers Confused

LadyTremaine · 28/01/2011 15:31

and projecting my fears? give it a rest oprah!

MummieHunnie · 28/01/2011 15:36

I am not upset about these people, I have known about them for a while now, I was scared when I first found out, so when i saw your post, I wondered if you were the one getting upset, and projecting your stuff on to me, there is nothing for me to be scared of, I don't have poor boundaries and I am aware of emotional abuse now, you bump into them all over the place in life, and when you know about them, you can spot them a mile off, so you are safe, the people who don't are the vounerable one's!

Have a think about it, in life how many people do you work with, how many friends and aquantances and theirs do you have contact with, how many are in your family and their friends and family are there, how many people do you bump into in life through things like the supermarket/garage/school/gp/dentist etc, have a think about it through life you come into contact with so many people you will bump into quite a few psychopaths/narcs in life, how many people sware blind incluing the long term best mate of the guy who had his daughter in the cellar for most of her life that he was a great guy! Hitler was adored as were people like himler by those around them who were beging treated well by them, need I go on?

MummieHunnie · 28/01/2011 15:37

More passive agressiveness ladyT!

Original poster
singleproudmum · 28/01/2011 15:37

Rhadegunde, you can say what ever you like about me, I know I HAVEN'T any anger issues, I just can't tolerate people who make a mockery out of the fact they have to look after step kids.

All I said to these people was that they knew children would be in their lives when they got with their man. I realise that some ex's and kids can probably make life difficult for the new stepmum but in my experience, I have found many stepmums to be the cause of any trouble.

I am only reacting to what I read on these forums, and when I came on to this one I believed that some women were ganging together

Oh, and why doesn't it concern you when you read some of the stepmums comments?, particularly the one where someone describes how access visits are like a jail sentence?

No, you have decided for your own reasons to judge me, I wonder why

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 28/01/2011 15:41

I don't know you well enough to know if you are an abuser, we are all just judging on a website, not in rl.

I think you have shown passive agressive behaviour on this thread, that may be something of a normal life behaviour or it maybe that this thread is a bit traumatic for you who knows really, only you, and that may be bringing out passive agressiveness.

As for accusing you or your dh or abuse, maybe that is something you need to spend some time looking into with a therapist if you think it may be the case about you or your dp LadyT, you know your rl and no one on a website does?

MummieHunnie · 28/01/2011 15:43

SPM, people are judgemental, that is how life is!

Why did you go and look at the stepparents threds if they hurt you?

I still don't get why the step's are still on here on lone parents posting, when there is a twin thread on stepparents for them to post on?

Rhadegunde · 28/01/2011 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
singleproudmum · 28/01/2011 15:52

I went on the step parent threads to see how common it is that a step can have feelings of hatred for the ex wives and kids.
It doesn't hurt me, it disgusts me!

Oh and before I get slated again, bring it on if you wish people, I have a stepmum myself as mentioned earlier who is great and she and my mum get on brilliantly.

So, I do NOT have a problem with step parents in general, just some on MN who come across as awful and full of venom.

I guess the steps are still on here because they are trying to fight their corner, but after reading some of their posts I don't see how they can.

OP posts:
Original poster
singleproudmum · 28/01/2011 15:57

Rhadegunde, How many times do I have to point out that not all people are the same, ?therefore, when you say that I'm applying my situation and assuming everyone is like that you have clearly not been reading my posts aswell as you think you have.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 28/01/2011 15:58

Rhadegunde, was that response to me? at 15.47?

MummieHunnie · 28/01/2011 16:02

I also posted back thread, that I have a lovely stepmum, SPM! Maybe not all the posts have been read, or that bit didn't go it, to some people?

SPM, stop going back on the twin thread to this for stepparents, or stepparents boards to speak to the venom people, and post on this thread, which the steps should back off from if they have a twin thread to this and post on that one instead as this is on lone parents to support lone parents!

If I wanted to have to deal with steps I would post on their threads, I post on here for support or to support lone parents!

Original poster
singleproudmum · 28/01/2011 16:43

MH I can see what you mean but its not my fault if they decided to hunt on here aswell, Its hard not to post on there when you read ridiculous comments about yourself,

OP posts:
Rhadegunde · 28/01/2011 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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