Dealing with your child's stepmother

[singleproudmum]

My ex and I have 2 small children and he is now married to the woman he left our family for.
Since we split, about 5yrs ago, myself and my kids have had nothing but hassle from this woman, she belittles me to my kids and has little digs at them. I have told my ex how she treats our kids but he doesn't believe me as my children say that she is always nice when their dad's around.

Obviously, I have asked the ex to see the kids without his wife around but he won't hear of it. My kids want to see their dad and the only way they can is if she is there too.

I was hoping for any advice as to how I could get her to stop her snide remarks, why does she hate me and my children when she helped to break my family apart?

Also, I do realise that most stepmum's treat their partner's children well!

Post on here, as you are a lone parent looking for support/advice you started the thread here and stick with this space.

Leave the steps alone, stop hunting them on their boards and leave them to find their support/advice in a safe place for them, it does not mean that you can't post else where in the board on stepparents or they can't post anywhere else on loneparents, it is just daft to be all posting on twin posts and cross referring, and hurting one another posting from thread to thread!

Did you go on their post and apologise to them for personal attacks if you made them?

Right now it looks safe to work on you on your thread, do you want to do some work on yourself and find out what is driving you and make things better for yourself and your dc's?!

I am feeling so ill with flu, so I have no idea if I will be on or off the boards, I will come back later though to work through with you!

I think you are right people should post on both boards, it was the twim threads that were being cross referenced, that made me think it better that lone parents stick to this one and steps to the other when making posts, so each were not rubbing the other up the wrong way and getting the support they needed/wanted.

I've been around mumsnet for many years and in my experience the stepmums with a bad attitude towards their children/situation are jumped on. The step-parenting section has a very different vibe to the ones on other parenting sites that I have been on. IME the board here has much more measured advice, from both other step-parents, lone parents and those in neither situation, and is hugely supportive.

I think the people currently posting have really, really difficult circumstances to deal with, and I think if you really understood what was actually going on for them in their homes on a daily basis, if you were a friend, for example, who visited you may feel very differently SPM. It's hard to get across succinctly on a forum what background history there is and there's no tone or body language to help with understanding.

And I think it's so easy to judge someone else for their behaviour, and you will never truly know how it feels or how you would react unless you are in the same situation.

Anyone can post on any thread here on mumsnet. It's not a case of don't go near lone parents because you aren't one, or vice versa, and it can be really helpful to have someone who is in the position of the person you are trying to understand giving their point of view.

Junction, I still think that op should have stayed off winding up the steps on their thread, and op and steps should have kept the other thred's stuff on that thread, instead of cross referencing between the twin threads!

I always think it a bit odd when there's a thread talking about stuff going on on a different thread. Everyone can see everything so it's like talking about someone when they're stood right next to you, so just say it on the original thread.

Well, well, well!

It would seem that the posters that came on here from Stepparents, have been on off the beaten track having serious bitch fests about other posters, ew's of their dp's, really nasty, nasty stuff about skids, that they would not dare even post on step's threds!

It would seem that someone decided to out them on Am I Being Unreasonable earlier!

I read the off the beaten track if anyone wants to know what was written please PM me!

Ah HA AH have just really digested your last post MH, hilarious.

You can quote all 40 pages/ 950 posts accurately?

I bow down at your memorising skills!

LadyT, I have not posted on stepparents, I was alerted to your posts on off the beaten track by a post that showed up as most active on aibu!

As a lone parent, who's farthered DSS from ExP's first marrage and 2 children from the relationship with the now ExP, who's ExP has now remarried.

I really haven't been interested in reading this thread and as such must apologise for posting here.

P.S. That'll be 159 Euros!

Was that a passive agressive ?

It was I have read your post and have no comment to make on it!

I myself am a step mum to 2 teenagers and I came along after they had split. So it is a little different, but I would tend to agree with a comment someone else has already made.

Often people lash out because they are feeling insecure, also it may not have really dawned on her how hard it is to be a parent never mind a step parent. This things may have come as a pretty walloping shock; how selfless you have to be and how much sharing of things you had never planned to share needs to be done!

There are the odd days when I see that my black leather jacket is getting on the school bus along with my favourite handbag and my 14 year old step daughter, and at that moment I feel a little resentful of the constant invasion of my privacy. Or when I have noticed that my stepson can't bothered to look for his toothbrush so I find him on the landing using mine again or that I come to get a tampon and there are none left because his girlfriend has been camped out with us for a week and there are now 3 girls using them rather than just me and my step daughter!!! However these things are part of the deal! And really it's ok. But for that moment I am grumpy - quite but grumpy!!! But I have had to train myself to deal with it!

All this aside, my partner chose to leave his ex, not for me, but because he was unhappy. So it is basically a situation of his making, I see it as his role to make sure that me, him, the children and his ex are all able to work at making these kids into amazing adults. That is a lot of pressure on him........ but you know what they say about those who make beds!!!!!!

Maybe counciling with the 3 of you could help. She needs to learn to make room for the children and he needs to stand up and be man. It rests with him and not you (only in my opinion) to develop things to a point were you can all talk.