I was determined I wasnt going to post here but I cant help it.
There are some amazing posts on this thread. Insightful, compassionate and in the case of slimbo one of the most heartfelt I have ever read.
Some of you may remember from a few years ago that I was a really active member of the lone parents forum. It was my lifeline when I was lonely, frustrated, confused and just in need of like minded company. I have never forgotten how hard single parenthood is and would never ever knock anyone for doing a tiring, sometimes relentless job. I was lucky, in that I never had to deal with another woman coming into the life of my child.
If I put myself in that position I would HATE it. We have our children to raise them ourselves, not hand them off to some woman we have never met, didnt choose and cant even get references for and research in the same way we do our childminders, nurseries and schools. Our child may love them, which in my case would make me feel insecure, or hate them which I would feel so guilty about making them go. If you are one of the people whose relationships broke down as a result of an affair or betrayal, or just because the other person left, having to then accept another woman into your childrens lives must be the hardest thing you will ever do. It isnt fair and I dont think anyone would really like it.
HOWEVER. I am now a step mother myself. I wont go into the boring back story, it would take too long to start, but needless to say it isnt good. I really wanted to get on with my dss and for a very long time I didnt because like many children of seperated parents he desperately wanted them to reconcile and saw his dads new partner as the reason that wasnt happening. As a step parent, in the same way that you dont get a say as a lone parent, your choices become restricted. You may live with your step children for as much as sixty percent of the time, but you are not in the position to put any rules or boundaries in place, so if the child makes a mess, disrespects you, behaves innapropriately or is generally doing the things kids do, unlike a parent, you are not in a position to stop it as you see fit. Try living with that. You may well do homework, activities and share your life with a child you love, but forget the sweet little things that your children do for you as a parent. No birthday, mothers day, christmas or valentines day cards here. And as much as the whole "step parents dont feel the same unconditional love for a child that they do for thier own" is both bandied about and very true, but it goes the other way. Most children older then three or four do not feel unconditional love for thier step parents either and as we are all mothers in one way or another we all know that when a kid feels resentful, angry or dissaproving, its pretty rare they dont show it.
It is true that often step parents resent or feel jealous of their step children, much to thier own disgust most of the time. Its a shit feeling but guess what. Yet again it goes the other way - quite often we get it back from children who are gutted that we live with daddy and they dont. SO understandable but bloody difficult to deal with let me tell you.
We fuck up all the time - there is no manual. To look after other peoples children as a paid person you have endless training but anyone can become a step parent and there are no training manuals, rules, or guidelines that make it easier. We make mistakes all the time, but I do it with my biological children too. The difference is I dont get a court letter every time I tell my son off for lying or stealing. Not fun let me tell you.
Step parenting is bloody thankless and I get so frustrated at the bashing we get, not because I dont understand why people on the outside cant get it - I totally do and believe you me, in the same way that there is no better parent then someone without kids, there is no better step parent then someone who hasnt done it - I know, a few years ago it was me with the lofty ideas and naive perception that if I just loved him it would be enough. It isnt.
The only place we have is that forum. Our partners, our friends and our stepchildren have no idea what we say, or who we are. It is a safe outlet for all the horrible, bitter things (and sometimes lovely ones!) that we cant say in real life because if we did it would be devastating. Are we really not allowed that? Is it really that hard to understand why we need that outlet to cope at times. We support and back each other, so yes singleproudmummy when people call us bitches and insinuate that we all had affairs we get defensive and close ranks. We need to. That is our safe place, just like this is yours. I would never try to take yours away so please leave us alone on ours and stop it. I get why you are so angry, and I get why you hate the woman involved in your childrens lives so much and you have my sympathies. But that isnt us, so please let us have our sanctuary and you have yours because lets be honest. With as many as 1 in 3 marriages now ending in divorce, there is every chance you may meet someone with children yourself one day and if you do, you may feel like you need somewhere safe to find it difficult. Our jokes are just that - jokes. We use them because if we didnt we would simply break down.
end of the longest post I think I have ever made - if you made it this far well done 
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