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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Dealing with your child's stepmother

243 replies

singleproudmum · 24/01/2011 22:32

My ex and I have 2 small children and he is now married to the woman he left our family for.
Since we split, about 5yrs ago, myself and my kids have had nothing but hassle from this woman, she belittles me to my kids and has little digs at them. I have told my ex how she treats our kids but he doesn't believe me as my children say that she is always nice when their dad's around.

Obviously, I have asked the ex to see the kids without his wife around but he won't hear of it. My kids want to see their dad and the only way they can is if she is there too.

I was hoping for any advice as to how I could get her to stop her snide remarks, why does she hate me and my children when she helped to break my family apart?

Also, I do realise that most stepmum's treat their partner's children well!

OP posts:
mjovertherainbow · 26/01/2011 21:46

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elastamum · 26/01/2011 21:51

Please, lets not redo the stepmums vs lone parents row here. This is a supportive place for single parents and I for one would rather it didnt get turned into a fight zone.

Anyone wants to fight why not use AIBU??

mjovertherainbow · 26/01/2011 22:00

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Original poster
singleproudmum · 26/01/2011 23:20

Thanks for your comments guys!
INTERESTEDINMOVING thanks for your post! and ONLYONE I did venture into the step parenting forum and you were so right.

BUMBLEBEEBUZZ thanks so much for your post aswell, I completely agree that there are some in the step parenting forum who must spit their dummy out and try to pull you down, but I'm better than that!

OP posts:
onlyone · 27/01/2011 08:11

And of course you knew that person had no experience of step parenting.

I find the step parenting forum helpful for some aspects but the evil wife scenario is quite overwhelming and the step is all pure and innocent and doing their best for the child of course. Everyone also met their DP after the marriage broke down, no ones new DP was abusive, had an affair etc etc

It does come across on a lot of threads as how the children are an imposition and they ruin the new life and how they disrupt things etc etc. Rarely that this family is their family aswell they are not part timers in it, they are full time members but not really considered that in the heads of some of the steps. Teenagers are stroppy rude and horrible steps rather than just being teenagers, little kids have tantrums but this often is portrayed as bad parenting by the bm.

Too many step children now adults post that they were fully aware of how they were tolerated in their fathers new families and that saddens me - we made and imposed the choices on these children and whilst some of us were the innocent party, some were not. The children did not get a choice and some difficult behaviour could be expected.We want them to behave like adults and berate them when they do not - that is what I hate about the step forum.

But like I say, some very useful advice is buried in amongst the vitriol.

mjovertherainbow · 27/01/2011 08:18

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MummieHunnie · 27/01/2011 08:52

only one, what a great post! Have you seen some of the press that the first wives club has had, they are a group of deluded women who live in fantasy land that they and their second hand husband are perfect and every problem in their life is due to the ex wife and step kids Hmm.

LadyTremaine · 27/01/2011 08:52

urghhh

LadyTremaine · 27/01/2011 09:00

MummieHunnie, As someone wisely said, you don't go on a forum to celebrate how fabulous your DH's ex is, you're more likely to go on to complain when theyre not. So far from all step mothers thinking every first wife is a deluded... its just the ones that we KNOW are deluded that we complian about.

This is an internet forum, we have no way of knowing whether people are telling the truth or not about things. But I'm pretty sure no one would bother to go on to an anoymous forum and make up stuff about how bad their partners ex is... what would be the motivation? Kudos from a load of random unknowns...? Come on...

MummieHunnie · 27/01/2011 09:05

have this to chew on Biscuit

LadyTremaine · 27/01/2011 09:27

nice.
Do you really beleive that every birth mum is pleasant and reasonable in all of their dealings with their ex's new partner...?

My DD has a step mum. I try to be respectful towards her at all times and am incredibly greatful for what she does for my DD. However, a month or so ago she told my DD that I really should have taken her to the doctors by now because she has a tickly cough that hse's had for a couple of weeks. I sent her a rather snappy text mesage saying if my DD needs to go to th doctors I will take her and if she feels that she needs to go to the doctors she is free to take her herself.
Not my finest hour but I was cross that this person was incinuating that I was a bad parent and she could do a better job. Which is of course not what she meant.
I'm sure she slated me a bit for sending the ext, and rightly so, it was unecessary.

I can take that on the chin. No one is perfect.

purpleandpink · 27/01/2011 10:03

What a shame this thread has turned into a bm's vs sm's battle.

I can actually see both sides as I am a Step Mum but I also have a son with a step Mum. I think as someone else pointed out, people seek advice when they are struggling, so most of the bm's commenting on step Mums will be having problems with them and most of the step mums posting about bm's will be having problems with them. That doesn't mean there aren't many mnay many happy blended families out there, they're just not posting because everything is going fine.

OP I think when you are the bm you can be in a lose lose situation. If you say something to your ex they will think you are jealous/bitter/stirring but if you don't then your children might think you're not listening to them. I find it's better to only raise specific things that are of particular concern, rather than general things. In the meantime, stress to your children that it is fine for them to be totally open and honest with both you and their Dad - if something bothers them at yours, they must tell you and the same at Daddy's. MY DC's have recahed a point now where they will soon tell their Dad if they are unhappy with something and if he is hearing the same thing enough times then he is having to deal with it.

rolandweary · 27/01/2011 10:08

oh yay, "bm" is back

[hm]

mjovertherainbow · 27/01/2011 10:09

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purpleandpink · 27/01/2011 11:08

Oh I see - I'm new here and not aware of all the goings on yet.

What's wrong with bm? What is the mn acceptable abbr for a bio mum?

MummieHunnie · 27/01/2011 11:11

I find birth mother quite offencive, you should just be referred to as the mum, a birth mother to me sounds like someone who has no contact with a child and gave it up for addoption.

mjovertherainbow · 27/01/2011 11:17

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purpleandpink · 27/01/2011 11:18

Each to their own. I am my son's bio Mum and an abbr doesn't make me feel any different, it's just quicker to write and easier to understand in a long post when referring to the natural Mum and the step Mum.

No offence intended. Smile

MummieHunnie · 27/01/2011 11:19

I realise it is a regularly used term, and like dd or ds or dsd or dss if you don't use the term it will not be understood, nothing can really be done about it, it seems to me as a way to put down mothers, the women who carried, gave birth and (I know not in all, but the vast majority of cases 90%) are the main carers for the children.

Do step parents refer to the fathers as bf/birth fathers? no, so there is something of a put down going on there!

LadyTremaine · 27/01/2011 11:19

All these term sthat people are getting annoyed over... when and how often are they actually used? I mean, my DSD doesnt call me 'step mum' and I don't call her mother and say 'hey bio-mum' but if DSD is talking to her friends saying something like 'I'm not coming out today, I'm spending the day with my step mum' it's better for her to say that than 'my dad's girlfriend' As, rightly so, 'dad's girlfriend' doesnt really cover what I am to her. I've had to call her school a couple of times and said I was 'step mum' I don't think i'd be taken seriously if I said 'dad's girlfriend'

I hav personally never used birth/bio mum. But I guess if DSds mum and I were somewhere together and someone who knew me as DSD's stepmum asked who she was, I might say 'oh that's DSDs real mum' or possibley 'birth mum'

It would be so rare though that any of these phrases have to be used I wouldnt get your knickers in a twist about it.

MummieHunnie · 27/01/2011 11:22

People are entitled to take offence, if they are not people who have given their children up for addoption, the people who take offence are taking responsibility for the majority of the care of their children, if a child lives with the father and step mother full time then I understand referring to as real mum/birth mum if the kid is coming to yours for a few hours every second weekend it is offencive to call her the bm, she is simply Mum.

LadyTremaine · 27/01/2011 11:23

oooh I've never been Pm'd before - how do I see it?!

I didnt realise it was offensive. Apologies. I wouldn't find it offensive to be called it myself so didnt realise.

purpleandpink · 27/01/2011 11:24

I disagree entirely as I actually am a Mum so why would I have a sly dig at myself? Hmm Fwiw I actually do refer to DH as BD/SD as applicable (he wears both hats) but only if I am referring to both terms in the same post, which is not often tbh.

I think I am just lazy/pushed for time and cba to write out the whole words.

I do think that sometimes, when you feel strongly about a particular issue it is very easy to take things in a way totally differently to how they were intended. I can assure you 100% that my use of BM/SM and BD/SD is not a dig in any way shape or form - if I wanted to have a dig (which I don't) I can think of much better ways of doing it.

LadyTremaine · 27/01/2011 11:25

Oh I see. MY DSD is with us 3 week day nights a week, every saturday all day and night and every other sunday... I think that's about 65% of the time. Is that OK?

purpleandpink · 27/01/2011 11:27

Just to clarify, I only use those terms on here not in "real life". I would never refer to my sk's Mum as their Bio/birth Mum. In conversation I would just say "Mummy" "Daddy" "Step Mummy" "Step Daddy"