Dealing with your child's stepmother

[singleproudmum]

My ex and I have 2 small children and he is now married to the woman he left our family for.
Since we split, about 5yrs ago, myself and my kids have had nothing but hassle from this woman, she belittles me to my kids and has little digs at them. I have told my ex how she treats our kids but he doesn't believe me as my children say that she is always nice when their dad's around.

Obviously, I have asked the ex to see the kids without his wife around but he won't hear of it. My kids want to see their dad and the only way they can is if she is there too.

I was hoping for any advice as to how I could get her to stop her snide remarks, why does she hate me and my children when she helped to break my family apart?

Also, I do realise that most stepmum's treat their partner's children well!

OOh this is all very exciting! Thanks MJ for popping my inbox cherry!

Oh dear - this has degenerated into a Loneparents vs stepmums row after all.

How sad to see that the old birth vs step mum row has now raised its ugly head once more - BM is hardly a fair term for the majority of lone parents who are on this bit of the site.

Most of the LP's here spend 90% of their time on their own raising their kids, which is why they post here for support. A lot feel socially stigmatised enough already just by virtue of being a lone parent, and dont need to have more derogatory terms being heaped on them here

I think we covered off the thing about using that term elastamum. I didnt realise it was derogatory and wouldnt ust it in real life. I used it to differentiate between a natural mum and step mum. That's all.

But on realising it was offensive I apologised.

And far from being stepmum Vs lone parent... most of us are/have been both!

Then hopefully by now you will know that the world is not black and white but a million shades of grey.

Umm.. yes I do understand that. I've been around for 40 odd years so came to this conclusion quite some time ago..

MJOVERTHERAINBOW

For your information I wasn't baiting the step parent forum, I found it disgusting how the step parents talk about their partner's ex or their partner's kids. So I decided to put my point across too!.

You say that 'you hardly think all ex wives and single parents are nuts', well I know that you don't hate all ex wives, it's only YOUR partner's ex that you have the problem with.

The same goes for some other parents on the step parent forum. Again, I know they don't hate ALL ex wives. They just seem to hate THEIR partner's ex too.

Can't you see what I'm on about?, it's very common for a step parent to hate their own partner's ex, although I do agree that some get along fine with each other.

Many of the posters on the step forum come across that their man's ex wife is trouble, fair enough there may be some ex wives who can be spiteful and stir things, but in my experience (and I know alot of people in blended families) it's the 'STEP MOTHER'who is the trouble maker.

SOME stepmums , I believe are jealous of the bond a man has with his kids, SOME don't like
the presence of the ex in the background, SOME don't like the fact that their men have to pay regular maintenance to support HIS kids!

Finally, I said SOME not ALL !

BRAVO Single proud mum!

Why else all the fairy tales of nasty stepmothers, I agree it is Mostly the stepmother who is the trouble maker who came into the mix invading damaged families, trying to have control of everyone have a family live by her rules!

Noone is perfect, and I am sure that the fathers and mothers who were part of the origional family that the step mother has joined, do not always behave well, it does not give the stepmother free reign to use and lets face it the bedroom to controll everything, I am going to go now before I get anymore spitefull, can you tell I hate the guts of some of the stepmothers (who have broken up the marriage of the very step kids they hate the guts of and are attempting to destroy the mother of) I have come into contact with.

My stepmother is lovely by the way, she was not involved in my parents marriage breakup and I was an adult when she came long also.

I really admire women who take on other people's children who come long after the parents slipt up and are not trouble makers, and want everyone to get along and do not want to run the show!

But if you realise not all step mums are bad, and not all mums are good. Then why attack people who are complaining about their partners ex? They are awful it's true!

I would think it likely that the fairy tales you speak of aren't based on fact.

Mothers and step mothers , I believe are like cats and dogs and will always find it difficult to get on.

I think its a shame , as I fully believe we all want the same thing , respect, a warm and harmonious family environment whom all can enjoy , and acknowledgment for who you are, or what you do.

There is alot of negativity on this site towards both mums and stepmums , and I refuse to believe it is because there are so many unkind people in such a small portion of the population. I think it is just a bloody difficult situation , with very little advice or guidelines .

There is a lot of literature written on normal families , but very little written on how to navigate the step family as a whole . It's a shame we can't work alongside each other , rather than just get the claws out. Maybe its a hormonal or biological thing. Or even a social thing . You never really hear such negativity from fathers and step fathers.

I am astonished by the hypocrisy on here and the total inability to see another point of view. No wonder some people (on both "sides") have problems in their day to day lives when dealing with their children's natural Mum/Step Mum.

I am on both sides, as I have said. As the Mum, I bend over backwards to promote good contact with my DC's bio Dad. He has as much contact as he can accomodate (less than I've freely offered) and unrestricted telephone/email/text contact as well. I try to accept that most things that bug me are down to different parenting styles and I bite my tongue a lot when dealing with my ex.

As the Step Mum I am happy for us to base our maintenence payments on the family income as a whole, which means I top up my sk's child support as I am the higher earner. I treat the children just the same as my own children and I would do anything for them, the same as I would my bio kids.

However I am also big enough to see that you often can't win whatever side you are on. My sk's Mum thinks I am the devil incarnate and I genuinely don't know why. She has accused me of "inappropriate behaviour" but despite requests to clarify what exactly she means, so that we can offer reassurance, she has never said what her concerns actually are. I am pretty sure if she was a member here she would be slating me as she really does dislike me and calls me (to her kids) "the b*h your father has married." That doesn't mean all first wives or whatever the correct term is behave this way, and I'm sure that most don't however SOME do.

It's the same with step Mums - you get some good, some bad and some indifferent. My dc's step Mum is indifferent most if the time. She got my ex to reduce his child support payments because he was "paying too much" which is something I don't understand, but ultimately she is not a bad person.

Why is it so hard for people to grasp that the Mums and Step Mums who are getting along great and have it all figured out aren't posting here because they don't need any advice and support? The step Mums AND the Mum's posting make up such a tiny minority of the total Mums and Step Mums in the country that it is ridiculous to point to these boards as shining examples of who is at fault when things go bad and to blame one side or the other.

The fact is some people are just not nice - they might end up being Mums, step Mums or both and will still be not nice. Most people posting here are rec
ognising there are issues and trying to get support to solve them and/or are having a rant so they can get things off their chest they wouldn't want to say to the person in question. That would generally make them nice people, or at least people who are trying to be better.

Is it REALLY that hard to see that?

I think that if you are in the thick of a difficult relationship its hard to separate your own feelings from what is happening around you. This is why people who are having problems with their ex's new partner / step mum find it so hard to separate their situation from what they read on the SP boards and it is also why SPs who are having problems with their DH's ex are so defensive when those issues are bought to their threads. Its all just too close to the bone.

SPM - I am sorry that you are having problems with your ex's new partner as I'd hate it if I thought my children were going somewhere they weren't welcome too. I'm a mum and a step mum and even though I have no problems at all with my DH's ex, I still find being a SM difficult at times and that is why I come here. My DBD, and actually my DH would never ever know how I feel because I keep those feelings to myself, but come where I have somewhere to offload to people who do understand.

There's really no 'Lone Parent vs Step Parent going on. As MJ said, the majority of the posters on the SP boards have been single parents at one point or another.

When it comes down to it, we're a bunch of women who are trying to do their best for the children, but are both touchy due to the situations we find ourselves in.

Mjovertherainbow, could I ask why you don't pay any maintenance?, do your have your husbands child living with you half the week?.
If so then you all pay towards child costs.

If your husband doesn't have joint custody of his child/ren then I can see why his ex moans about the lack of maintenance.

You agree with me that some step mums are jealous of the bond their stepkids have with their dad and go on to say that these stepmums don't show their jealousy. You also say that you have at times hated your stepchildren but haven't shown it to them.

Surely you must know that however small a child is he/she can pick up on the feelings of hatred and resentment a jealous stepmum can show towards them?.

Slimbo, yet another woman who hates their partner's ex!

Mummiehunnie, thanks for your comments, its nice to hear someone understanding my point of view!

I agree with you mjoverthe rainbow that my comments to Slimbo were probably a bit out of order and slimbo I apologise for that.

However on the other hand MJ please don't gang up on people like myself when we have an opinion, especially on the other forum. Did any of you on there heed my words when I said that SOME and not all step parents were jealous, out of order or whatever?. No you all closed ranks and tried to intimidate me and one or two others.

My comments were not vicious, they were just straight to the point. If you don't like OUTSIDERS from expressing their opinions then maybe you shouldn't be on forums yourself.

Also, before I posted my comments I read quite a few posts from the same people on other step parenting threads and I won't name names but I found quite often that the way these 'step parents' spoke about their man's ex and his kids were apalling. There is so much venom in those forums for the husbands first family.

Also, why have I not come across any forums where the so called bitter ex wives get together and try to beat down step parents?
And fair enough as I said repeatedly before, although some ex wives can wind up their ex, THEY are not nasty to kids,.

Oh MJ I have NOTHING to be ashamed of

Don't insult me by saying that I wasn't being ganged up on and these posters were just joking about cakes, cheese, pillows whatever!

They are quite clearly taking the piss and are determined to drive away anyone who has an opinion which DARES to go against their cosy little forum where they can trash their husbands ex and in some cases their husbands children. And I'm not totally referring to the thread I had posted on but read quite a few of them and the same names kept popping up and some of those people were quite bitchy!.

Take a look yourself if you wish. Maybe I am sensitive on this subject but when I read these shocking comments my blood does boil!

I can't find any of these 'shocking comments'
I mean, if they weren't true then i would be shocking but how can we know?? Its an anoymous forum. If stepmums say their partners are horrid then why not beleive them???! Why is it shocking?