UK or US life: homesickness, family ties and where to settle

[MichelleRodriguezxx]

I'm looking for honest advice from people who have lived in both the UK and the US, or who've faced a similar decision.
I'm originally from Essex, UK, but now live in Ohio for 3 years with my American husband. I'm really struggling to work out whether my feelings are just homesickness or whether I'm genuinely better suited to life in the UK.
UK (Essex)

• £50k WFH job (Canary Wharf office if needed)
• Family and lifelong friends nearby
• 3-bed detached house in a village
• Walkable pub, Friday fish & chip van (a genuine highlight!)
• Near the coast
• Easy access to London, Europe and weekend breaks

USA (Ohio)

• $90k WFH job
• Healthcare comes out of my salary
• Groceries feel significantly more expensive
• No office, fully remote
• No family or close friends here (only my husband's family/friends)
• 3-bed detached house with a decent amount of land
• Need to drive everywhere
• About 30 minutes from the nearest beach
• Beautiful Metroparks nearby, which I walk in almost daily

My honest experience after living here is that money disappears much faster than I expected. The higher salary hasn't translated into feeling wealthier once healthcare, groceries, travel and other costs are factored in.
I've travelled around the US (Colorado, North Carolina, New York, Las Vegas, Savannah, Tennessee) and while there are some incredible places and stunning national parks, I often feel like so much of everyday America is built around chain restaurants, retail and driving. The national parks have genuinely been one of the things that have kept me going mentally.
One thing I really appreciate is the healthcare. When you need it, it's been fast, reliable and excellent.
What I've struggled with most is the sense of community. This is obviously just my experience, but interactions often feel friendly yet quite surface-level. People are polite, but I rarely feel those interactions develop into genuine connections. In England, I felt there was more banter, humour and community spirit, and neighbours were more likely to know each other.
Life here also feels much more car-dependent and individualistic. In England I loved being able to spontaneously book weekends away, visit different villages, drive to the coast or jump on a cheap flight to Europe. Here, holidays feel like they require much more planning, time off work and money. Domestic flights are also far more expensive than I'm used to.
At the same time, I'm aware the UK has its own problems right now—cost of living, the NHS, politics and general decline that people often talk about. I do wonder whether living in a village would shield me from some of that, as I genuinely loved my community there.
The hardest part has been family. Since moving I've lost two grandparents and missed both funerals. My parents are getting older, and my nephew now lives just 10 minutes from my old house. That's becoming increasingly difficult emotionally. His family have been VERY UNWELCOMING and want everything their own way. I am merely my husbands wife to them. We don’t see them a lot. They hate me. Think I’m using him and are just mean girl attitude.
I don't hate America at all, and I know experiences vary hugely by state. Ohio may not represent the whole country. There are definitely things I love here, especially the parks, the space and the quality of healthcare. The parks have stopped me from becoming depressed. Every day rolls into one here - I wake up - work - watch tv - sleep - in there big house - big car- I feel like that might suit some people but I can’t help but feel like I want a little more out of life. My husband says most people here are miserable that’s why they aren’t very nice or care about anyone deeply. Christmas in the UK is special, spas, pubs, everywhere is decorated and we get so much time off work. Here you’re lucky to get two days off. I honestly believe some Americans would talk to you in a supermarket, and if you got run over 5 minutes later they’d drive around you - nothing feels genuine here. Us Brit’s bond on humor. They don’t.
I just can't shake the feeling that something is missing. I miss the humour, the sense of belonging, the spontaneity and feeling part of a community.
Has anyone else moved from the UK to the US (or vice versa) and felt this way? Did it get better with time, or did you eventually realise one country simply suited your personality better? I'm really interested in hearing honest experience from people who've lived both lives. I’m running out of time to have children in either country.

You still haven't said how you met OP. Did you meet online? I can't see how a girl from Essex met a bloke from Ohio who has no interest in living anywhere else and spends his spare time smoking weed otherwise. What did you see in him, for heaven's sake? He doesn't sound like any kind of a catch to me.

In terms of your thinking, why not switch it around. You're wondering atm if leaving him and returning to the UK is the right thing to do or not. Well, how about this: instead why don't you think how you will feel if you can't go home, that you're stuck living in Ohio for the rest of your life, because you have kids with an American man who won't move and won't let you return to the UK with them.

Just sit with that idea for a bit. You CAN'T leave and you can never move home, just have an occasional visit every now and again. How does that make you feel? Because that's the future you'll have if you stay where you are and have a baby with this man. So how does that sound to you? Does it sound okay? Do you think you can be happy?

I know an Australian woman who married a Canadian guy. She was head over heels in love, met him while she was backpacking, they married, had two kids. That was 40 years ago. They've been divorced for about 25 years now. She still lives in Canada, because that's where her kids are - and her kids are Canadians. That's what your life will be like if you have a baby with this man. You can divorce him, but unless you're prepared to leave your kids in the USA and move back to the UK without them, that's your life forever. Think about it.

Sadly I agree with @zurigo.hence I was asking about how you met, what you had in common then, age difference etc. He’s also got his own business which you seem to say he can’t move. I feel like there is a missing story piece or I’m confused.

@Funkylights I'm getting that sense too, that they didn't really know each other well enough before she moved to Ohio. Totally different to couples like my American DH and I who were working in the same European city when we met.

Please don’t have a baby now OP. You’ll be stuck there forever, this family aren’t going to let you take the baby back home.
Why not come back to the UK for a bit on your own now - just for a family visit- and see how you feel. I wonder if you’ll really miss him that much? (Bring everything you want to keep, just in case though!)

I'd agree. 3 years is long enough.

DS1 moved to USA for work 2 years ago. After the first year he was really struggling. Didn;t feel like home, had no proper friends. By end of second year it did feel like home, he has close friends, has worked VERY hard to develop communities (created social clubs, none of which existed before he arrived, and were slow to catch on, and don't happen unless he organises... but still, he likes the people.) He told me the other day that for the first time, as he was heading back to his town after a weekend away, he felt like he was coming home.

But if after 3 years you don't, that's tough.

WFH can't help. Do you go to a regular gym class/choir/book club/evening class? Something that gives you familiar faces and common interest and gets you mixing with people? Could you volunteer at one of the national parks you love? Can you try and work from the office a couple of days a week?

OP have you gone?

What struck me most is that you sayyour in laws hate you and aren't friendly. I just wouldn't on any account have children in the US on that basis alone. You'll be isolated in a foreign country with in laws who don't support you and you won't be able to leave even if you want to.

I'm not sure whether you're more unhappy in the US, or in your marriage. It sounds like you have given up a lot for your husband, and he has done very little for you. It took him a year to even stick up for you against one of his toxic family, and he's a pot head. For the love of god use cast iron contraception whilst you work through your feelings.

Hi all OP here. Sorry been quiet been having a time to think. Would appreciate being able to DM a few of you if you’re happy for that please reach out or let me know. Things feel heavy. Xx

Here if you ever want to talk. Feel free to DM. Good luck.

Also happy for you to message me. I couldn't have settled in the US. And it isn't because I'm not flexible. I have lived in 2 other countries I could have settled down in. I found the US very alien and hostile.

It’s your decision. You may need to go on an extended holiday and just accept leaving possessions behind if you don’t return. You still haven’t shared how you met etc and ‘he won’t let me leave’ sounds worrying !

It is not selfish to prioritise your own needs and wants. It is normal. You have one life - why would you spend it living where you are unhappy and unable to leave.

I live happily in the US as an emigrant - and in your circumstances I wouldn't even think twice about going home for good.

Having children over there sounds an absolute recipe for disaster and misery. Why is your husband tolerating his family and friends terrible behaviour towards you. You would be unbearably vulnerable if you have kids with this man.Honestly, I would move to UK, with no intention to return to US, even if that meant divorce. From an older woman who has seen many friends marriages fail, and the toll that children take on women's mental health etc I say leave as soon as you can. If you were my daughter I'd be horrified at this situation and be desperately hoping you got a divorce/return home.

What do you mean he won't let you leave? If you are scared of him please just book a flight and go, don't tell him, just leave your stuff there.

I think for me - you stay there, you have DC there, and they become part of that awful family. Just more people vs you, on your own, unable to come back.

@ShrubLover Yes, this is very concerning.

@MichelleRodriguezxx If you believe that he'll prevent you from leaving, that's a v. bad sign, I'd leave someone so controlling. Don't tell him what you're planning, book your ticket, let your family know, pack a case on the day and go to the airport. You don't need his permission to go home.

I moved to California for a relationship (having lived in a mix of towns/villages/cities in England) and I absolutely hated it. It was like waiting for real life to start. Lasted a year.

Time to come home OP.

Omg this is the perfect way to describe it. Each day just rolls into one and you’re just waiting for life to start. I wonder why it feels this way?! Maybe we got zero enjoyment out of living in those places. Maybe Americans know no different.curious did he come home with you? What made you decide it wasn’t worth staying for

It’s harder than that because I have pets to tskr
with me. But there are ways. I just have to be brave. It upsets me because he’s tried and has got a load better this year and we don’t argue as much now the family are out of the picture things have been better but now I realise we haven’t got that much in common. I like little things like walking the dogs, even going food shopping, going to the beach, going to the gym, all things I recall him saying he liked but he refuses to do any of them with me and if he does he sulks. His interests are so different to mine.his interests are things such as riding his dirt bike for hours and me going and just sitting there waiting maybe having a portable bbq whilst I wait. Idk if I sound ungrateful but. I don’t know if he’s experienced unconditional love because when I ask what he likes about me he can’t actually tell me any qualities about me, just says actions like my cooking

I know someone who did that. She ended up trapped in a marriage that wasn't working . His family bullied her. She couldn't leave as they had children. It ruined her life.

Just get your passport , book a flight and go. Can you tell him one of your parents is ill and explain the situation to them? You'll just have to leave your pets.

I just missed everything about England. When a friend met me in her car at Heathrow she put the radio on. It was 5pm and the theme tune to ‘PM’ (Radio 4 news programme) came on and I cried 🤭.

@MichelleRodriguezxx Do you know anyone who'd consider looking after your pets and/or are there any rescue places in your area? Our dog is a rescue and if I didn't know anyone whom I trust to look after him, I'd probably contact them for advice.

If you do need to bring them, it'll take some setting up but it's not certainly not impossible.