UK or US life: homesickness, family ties and where to settle

[MichelleRodriguezxx]

I'm looking for honest advice from people who have lived in both the UK and the US, or who've faced a similar decision.
I'm originally from Essex, UK, but now live in Ohio for 3 years with my American husband. I'm really struggling to work out whether my feelings are just homesickness or whether I'm genuinely better suited to life in the UK.
UK (Essex)

• £50k WFH job (Canary Wharf office if needed)
• Family and lifelong friends nearby
• 3-bed detached house in a village
• Walkable pub, Friday fish & chip van (a genuine highlight!)
• Near the coast
• Easy access to London, Europe and weekend breaks

USA (Ohio)

• $90k WFH job
• Healthcare comes out of my salary
• Groceries feel significantly more expensive
• No office, fully remote
• No family or close friends here (only my husband's family/friends)
• 3-bed detached house with a decent amount of land
• Need to drive everywhere
• About 30 minutes from the nearest beach
• Beautiful Metroparks nearby, which I walk in almost daily

My honest experience after living here is that money disappears much faster than I expected. The higher salary hasn't translated into feeling wealthier once healthcare, groceries, travel and other costs are factored in.
I've travelled around the US (Colorado, North Carolina, New York, Las Vegas, Savannah, Tennessee) and while there are some incredible places and stunning national parks, I often feel like so much of everyday America is built around chain restaurants, retail and driving. The national parks have genuinely been one of the things that have kept me going mentally.
One thing I really appreciate is the healthcare. When you need it, it's been fast, reliable and excellent.
What I've struggled with most is the sense of community. This is obviously just my experience, but interactions often feel friendly yet quite surface-level. People are polite, but I rarely feel those interactions develop into genuine connections. In England, I felt there was more banter, humour and community spirit, and neighbours were more likely to know each other.
Life here also feels much more car-dependent and individualistic. In England I loved being able to spontaneously book weekends away, visit different villages, drive to the coast or jump on a cheap flight to Europe. Here, holidays feel like they require much more planning, time off work and money. Domestic flights are also far more expensive than I'm used to.
At the same time, I'm aware the UK has its own problems right now—cost of living, the NHS, politics and general decline that people often talk about. I do wonder whether living in a village would shield me from some of that, as I genuinely loved my community there.
The hardest part has been family. Since moving I've lost two grandparents and missed both funerals. My parents are getting older, and my nephew now lives just 10 minutes from my old house. That's becoming increasingly difficult emotionally. His family have been VERY UNWELCOMING and want everything their own way. I am merely my husbands wife to them. We don’t see them a lot. They hate me. Think I’m using him and are just mean girl attitude.
I don't hate America at all, and I know experiences vary hugely by state. Ohio may not represent the whole country. There are definitely things I love here, especially the parks, the space and the quality of healthcare. The parks have stopped me from becoming depressed. Every day rolls into one here - I wake up - work - watch tv - sleep - in there big house - big car- I feel like that might suit some people but I can’t help but feel like I want a little more out of life. My husband says most people here are miserable that’s why they aren’t very nice or care about anyone deeply. Christmas in the UK is special, spas, pubs, everywhere is decorated and we get so much time off work. Here you’re lucky to get two days off. I honestly believe some Americans would talk to you in a supermarket, and if you got run over 5 minutes later they’d drive around you - nothing feels genuine here. Us Brit’s bond on humor. They don’t.
I just can't shake the feeling that something is missing. I miss the humour, the sense of belonging, the spontaneity and feeling part of a community.
Has anyone else moved from the UK to the US (or vice versa) and felt this way? Did it get better with time, or did you eventually realise one country simply suited your personality better? I'm really interested in hearing honest experience from people who've lived both lives. I’m running out of time to have children in either country.

We’ve just come back from UK. The last but one day we were wandering around London with my brother, had a beer by the river while the kids had a play. There is nowhere near where we live where that can happen. It was just so nice! Perfect weather, loads of people out on a Tuesday night enjoying themselves. 3 out of 5 of us did not want to come back. We’re only here for Hs job. Like you we find the higher salary doesn’t translate into a better life. It gets eaten up on additional expenses we find we have here. we also have no family here and it was enjoyable to be in their company for a little while. My DC met one of their cousins for the first time ever. My DD and her got on like a house on fire. 😢 that’s what I miss mainly. Having family, cousins and aunts and all the good stuff that goes along with that

Ah yes nothing quite like being able to stroll/eat/drink. I know that’s what scares me, children growing up without knowing their family, or once they’re old enough you’ll be stuck here because they won’t follow you home. Will you stay in the USA forever? Which part are you?

My mum asks me this regularly. But I feel a sense of loyalty because my husband has finally stuck up for me and gone no contact with a sister for me/him. That’s what I wanted - so why aren’t I happy? Well actually, I never wanted things to get like that, it’s what was needed because of the damage she was doing to our relationship, and he did it.

I've lived in the US twice. New Mexico and Maryland. I didn't settle in either but do think that out of the two, if I'd lived there longer (was there 3 years) I MIGHT have eventually settled there. It was hard to adjust though because coming from very green England to living in a desert was... wow! So although I didn't settle, for me also, the nature albeit desert, was what I liked about it.

Maryland I hated. The violence. Gun culture. Attitude to foreigners. Assumption that any foreigner had married to get to the US (I find that arrogance breathtaking - I left at the very first opportunity!). I didn't like the schools, the junk food culture. Nothing about Maryland.

I know what you mean about the UK. It just feels more solid. I've lived other places as well and other than China (another very old culture, like the UK) I didn't settle in them either. For me it would need to be UK or China. US is RIGHT at the bottom of my list. I had a green card and I let it expire. I've not been back once since moving back to the UK.

We have dinner guests arriving shortly, so I'll be brief, but, honestly, I think you're quite young since you're just thinking about having children, and I would say that a sense of loyalty for someone having basically done the bare minimum is not something to build your life around! Especially if that life isn't making you happy.

Pls pls pls don’t have kids with this guy when you’re feeling like this. You’ll be trapped and won’t be able to come home unless you’re willing to potentially lose custody to your husband.

lets face the facts. He smokes drugs every day, his family are awful to you (so you’ll be unlikely to have any support with kids) and he won’t entertain moving to the U.K? You are really unhappy and missing friends and family and when you mention this he laughs! It doesn’t sound like he cares about you very much?

tell him it’s over and come home. You can start over from home with your friends and family round you. I can tell you from personal experience that the homesickness probably will get worse and if you add kids to it you’re screwed (to put not too fine a point on it).

Sounds like you should come back to the U.K. without DH.
i spent a good bit of time in the US. My DCs visited regularly -none of them want to live there. So it’s not just me being unfriendly. Church seemed to be how people socialised - I love a glass of wine or two but American women barely drink - it’s unseemly - and if you have to drive everywhere then one of you can’t ever drink.
Maybe it was just me but here in the uk I can go to local art classes, walking groups, t’ai chi, pay for a photography course at the local college, bridge, bird watching, choirs (lots), a myriad of other interests - I struggled to find anything much in the US apart from the gym.
Maybe I looked in the wrong place.
But downsides of U.K. is healthcare which is a lottery and schools -some good, some bad z So you need to give thought to where you end up living.

OP you sound like your self esteem is going or gone. You seem in debt to him just for showing some basic decency towards you. If you left I’m sure he’d hook right back up with his sister.
how did you meet?

I love a glass of wine or two but American women barely drink - it’s unseemly

@Corianda I must know very different women to the ones you met, my friends go for regular Happy Hours, we've had weekends away visiting vineyards, etc. We're quite respectable people with professional careers, but perhaps we still have a touch of unseemliness about us. 😂

I wonder if it's because I live in a city, more relaxed attitudes and easy to walk or get an Uber home.

Yes, I didn’t live in a city

Don’t.

until you have decided where you want to live.

Personally, having lived in both countries for many years, I would choose the UK.

@MichelleRodriguezxx I'd book your flight back to the UK and get out of there. Going NC with one sister is just the tip of the iceberg of the issues.
I honestly don't think he's worth it.

Huh — I am wondering where in Maryland because my area is very safe and multicultural!

I do think American women drink less but unless you’re in areas with lots of LDS or baptists, not teetotal. There’s all those “wine mom” memes. It’s more about health than religion for most. My area is one of the most religiously diverse in the US, so while some people are into church (or mosque or synagogue) it’s not monolithic. Lots of classes and groups. I dare say a small town would be different. But then so would a rural village in England.

cannabis has become very popular all over North America (Canada even more than the US). Very different culture about it now.

I don't think people in either place are more genuine, it's about shared cultural experiences and expectations. It's just easier when they're what you're used to, so the barrier is gone. The things British people find fake about Americans, they totally understand, and the things Brits take for granted about each other, Americans find fake. So to an American the "fake friendliness" isn't that, it's just being sociable and both people understand it as that, and the British "I'm being polite but actually I despise you" strikes them as false instead. I've seen so many arguments about British "banter"... which can be friendly, but it can also be a way to insult people and pretend you didn't. Americans (and Canadians) bristle at it as they rightly know that they are being insulted. Then they're told they can't take a joke. As a Brit I've winced watching it.

(of course, family is family and that can’t be replaced; I’ve just been here long enough now to stick up for it)

Would you be happier in the UK or the US? It's obvious: in the UK.

Would you be happier with your husband or without him?

Well the thing is, he's tying that question to the previous one. He won't move to the UK. So you don't get to choose or be loyal to a hypothetical version of him who's prepared to live where you'd be happy.

So the question of your marriage becomes, would you be happier with him in the US, or without him in the UK? Bluntly, the answer to this seems obvious too.

If you would be happier without your husband than you are with him, DO NOT have children with him. You don't just owe loyalty to him, you owe loyalty to your future self. And to your future children, who need to have a happy mother. Whoever their father is.

He'll be fine without you - it sounds like he doesn't love you all that much, and indeed he'll likely find someone else who his parents and sister prefer, and won't have to have divided loyalties.

And your own family would be delighted to have you back!

Nobody's life is improved by you staying in the US. Leave.

Do not have kids with this man in the States. You'll be trapped there forever with a druggie. In fact, don't have kids with him full stop.

(sorry, I know you said no judgment, but daily weed smoking is deserving of judgment).

Same currently on the way to the gym now, and it's the highlight of my day. Of course, it's a 25-minute drive away. The gyms are great, they're large, they're empty, there's no one there, but it just again goes back to the feeling of loneliness. I'm disappointed that I couldn't get America to work for me, and terrified of how I, if I want to get out of the situation that I'm in. I hate letting people down, I hate disappointing people, and my partner's done a lot to get me out here. But obviously, I've done also equally a lot to leave all my friends and family behind. It's also bittersweet. My friends, we talk kind of less and less every day, and I can feel them drifting away. I can kind of feel my whole life that I had slipping away in front of my eyes. And I don't blame my friends for not being as interested in me anymore because I'm across the pond. It's not like I see anyone. There are feelings of, you know, guilt and shame. But I try to look forward and think what do the next five to ten years feel like, will look like. But I also, Maryland sounds a little worse than Ohio. But I also don't think I'd want to live in a city either. That's why kind of places like Norfolk in England really interest me because they're right by the coast with links still into London. And yes, everywhere they go, they drink and drive here in America. It's not like you can have a glass of wine and pop home on the train like you can in London if you're meeting the girls. I just worried that once I come home, I might regret the decision, or if I come back and think, oh, I only needed a holiday here and like to go back to the U.S. I don't see that happening, but I just don't want to make another wrong move.

I question in a marriage, at what point do you tip over to the other side and admit/ that it’s not for you / pros don’t outweigh the cons. I feel like I’m losing everything I have for nothing sometimes :(

What was your experience in living In both countries , and which parts?

What makes you say that? I do feel like that sometimes, that the people I have around me here barely like me, so gradually you start to think there is some thing wrong with you. Husband says who cares they don’t even like themselves. Which is probably true but my god. They’re all so miserable. I find his family only like each other when they’re drinking alcohol anyway.

Thank you! When I say he laughs I suppose he doesn’t know I’m being serious. I don’t really have the confidence to bring up the issue of I hate it here and how would you feel about moving to England because I don’t really feel comfortable him knowing I’m thinking of returning.

it really is so hard. Going from greenery to industrial type roads. Traffic likes everywhere. Grey skies. I mean who knew England was so green?! But I’ve noticed it now I’ve left. Don’t get me wrong America is BIGGER but to live somewhere with open greenery you’ll need a horse and cart. In Ohio anyway.

I don’t know how to describe the feeling about being around my own friends and family but it just feels wholesome and furfilling, relaxing I haven’t got to sell myself. Here even when I’m around the nice friends it feels good but they don’t know me, really know me. They wouldn’t care if they never see me again. But when I’m home I feel like invested in those relationships and appreciated / loved. Not to mention the people that have made me feel unwelcome here, well they’re just horrid and have made my confidence sky plummet. Maybe it’s rose tinted glasses and I need to make more effort but even when I went for a meal with a girl I like we just don’t have a lot in common. I know some wives though if they have a great relationship with their husband they don’t need anyone else or any social life - so maybe if my relationship was furfilling me too I wouldn’t feel like this.

So do you regret staying? Why did you move to the us and which part? Do you wish you left when and if you could.

I said about self esteem as you seem to lack confidence in what you want from life. You seemed to be grateful that he’s finally taken your side but doesn’t seem to be helping you to build a happy life? I can’t see any happy bits in the posts. You almost seem accepting of the loneliness, him always working, smoking weed, horrid family etc
I’m still interested in how you met and what you had in common then

I’m glad you’re enjoying the UK so much. Can I ask which part you’re in - and the main positives / differences for you? 🩷 it’s lovely to hear you’d still stay in the UK if anything happened too. Must be a lovely feeling to feel content. Xx

At the beginning he was very open with his feelings and made me feel amazingly special. It was something I hadn’t had before so I felt valued. But as time has gone on, and after the horrible arguments we’ve had over his family, he doesn’t show emotion or any affection really anymore. Sometimes I wonder if it was just a front at the beginning. When I first moved here I had a text from his sister saying welcome to the family we are VERY close, my older sister compares the love she has for her children to the love she has for me and Ben (my husband), some don’t like it or you can accept it and it will make you love more” I was like wtf? It’s very odd and enmeshed.