UK or US life: homesickness, family ties and where to settle

[MichelleRodriguezxx]

I'm looking for honest advice from people who have lived in both the UK and the US, or who've faced a similar decision.
I'm originally from Essex, UK, but now live in Ohio for 3 years with my American husband. I'm really struggling to work out whether my feelings are just homesickness or whether I'm genuinely better suited to life in the UK.
UK (Essex)

• £50k WFH job (Canary Wharf office if needed)
• Family and lifelong friends nearby
• 3-bed detached house in a village
• Walkable pub, Friday fish & chip van (a genuine highlight!)
• Near the coast
• Easy access to London, Europe and weekend breaks

USA (Ohio)

• $90k WFH job
• Healthcare comes out of my salary
• Groceries feel significantly more expensive
• No office, fully remote
• No family or close friends here (only my husband's family/friends)
• 3-bed detached house with a decent amount of land
• Need to drive everywhere
• About 30 minutes from the nearest beach
• Beautiful Metroparks nearby, which I walk in almost daily

My honest experience after living here is that money disappears much faster than I expected. The higher salary hasn't translated into feeling wealthier once healthcare, groceries, travel and other costs are factored in.
I've travelled around the US (Colorado, North Carolina, New York, Las Vegas, Savannah, Tennessee) and while there are some incredible places and stunning national parks, I often feel like so much of everyday America is built around chain restaurants, retail and driving. The national parks have genuinely been one of the things that have kept me going mentally.
One thing I really appreciate is the healthcare. When you need it, it's been fast, reliable and excellent.
What I've struggled with most is the sense of community. This is obviously just my experience, but interactions often feel friendly yet quite surface-level. People are polite, but I rarely feel those interactions develop into genuine connections. In England, I felt there was more banter, humour and community spirit, and neighbours were more likely to know each other.
Life here also feels much more car-dependent and individualistic. In England I loved being able to spontaneously book weekends away, visit different villages, drive to the coast or jump on a cheap flight to Europe. Here, holidays feel like they require much more planning, time off work and money. Domestic flights are also far more expensive than I'm used to.
At the same time, I'm aware the UK has its own problems right now—cost of living, the NHS, politics and general decline that people often talk about. I do wonder whether living in a village would shield me from some of that, as I genuinely loved my community there.
The hardest part has been family. Since moving I've lost two grandparents and missed both funerals. My parents are getting older, and my nephew now lives just 10 minutes from my old house. That's becoming increasingly difficult emotionally. His family have been VERY UNWELCOMING and want everything their own way. I am merely my husbands wife to them. We don’t see them a lot. They hate me. Think I’m using him and are just mean girl attitude.
I don't hate America at all, and I know experiences vary hugely by state. Ohio may not represent the whole country. There are definitely things I love here, especially the parks, the space and the quality of healthcare. The parks have stopped me from becoming depressed. Every day rolls into one here - I wake up - work - watch tv - sleep - in there big house - big car- I feel like that might suit some people but I can’t help but feel like I want a little more out of life. My husband says most people here are miserable that’s why they aren’t very nice or care about anyone deeply. Christmas in the UK is special, spas, pubs, everywhere is decorated and we get so much time off work. Here you’re lucky to get two days off. I honestly believe some Americans would talk to you in a supermarket, and if you got run over 5 minutes later they’d drive around you - nothing feels genuine here. Us Brit’s bond on humor. They don’t.
I just can't shake the feeling that something is missing. I miss the humour, the sense of belonging, the spontaneity and feeling part of a community.
Has anyone else moved from the UK to the US (or vice versa) and felt this way? Did it get better with time, or did you eventually realise one country simply suited your personality better? I'm really interested in hearing honest experience from people who've lived both lives. I’m running out of time to have children in either country.

@Pallisers Yep, it's the same where we live and people connect through which high school they/ their children attended. I started chatting to a woman last week as she was wearing a T-shirt with the name of my DD's high school on it, she'd gone there 40 years ago!

Having said that, I'm still friends with three of my sixth-form mates, we just don't wear matching T-shirts with the school's name. 😂

@MichelleRodriguezxx How does your DH feel about moving to the UK? Is he willing to give it a go?

Born in the UK, moved to the US as a child, returned to UK as a teen but went back to the US in my 20s. Now happily abiding back home in UK village life.

Recently went back to the US for an extended holiday and I loved it but I also couldn’t wait to get home, for some of the reasons you outlined. We were in a big city and I later discovered my friend had brought her gun. To her it was the most normal thing in the world but it was so alien to me - despite all our problems, I feel much safer at home in the UK.

As for you OP, you can’t put a price on having friends and family nearby. Your DH doesn’t seem to have much attachment to his family there. To me, coming home is a no brainer.

You need to come back to UK. Children will mean (probably) his family get worse and he will be pulled back to them. You will be alone.

Americans have a different culture.
people don’t really realise this ime.
I lived in the US

I lived in the USA for work and met my (now ex) husband there. We moved back to the UK before we had our DDs - now 17 & 18. For me it was about being closer to family and raising them in a somewhat safer environment. They have dual citizenship and have spent extended amounts of time in the USA due to my work. It’s personal choice but I have no regrets about raising my DDs between the UK, Ireland and USA …

I came very close to staying in the US. Had Job and visas help offered . But I really struggled with the racial divides and inequalities plus lack of the arts & culture

i think this is a good point - you miss home, where you just slip into the culture with ease as so much of it is unspoken

@Funkylights Where were you thinking of living? Just asking because the arts scene is v. vibrant where we live (East Coast), but I know it varies tremendously. I wouldn't want to live somewhere without it either.

@MichelleRodriguezxx and @expatme I think some communities in Ohio, like any state, can be good and bad.

@MichelleRodriguezxx --your inlaws sound ugly all the way to the bone! Does your DH stick up for you? Edited to add: I read he finally has stood up for you a bit. He needs to do it always!
No idea what suburb you are in, but maybe see what you can join there or nearby. A gym? A book club? A womans group? Community outreach?

I also think Ohio City and University Circle are lovely!

I also like the areas along the lake, especially a few to the west of Cleveland. Lakewood has many walkable areas and parks and is in Cuyahoga County.
I'm in Lorain County and live in a relatively"poor" suburb but there are some really amazing ones along the lake. Vermilion, Ohio, for one, is a place I'd love to live. A beautiful downtown shopping center, great boat docks, small restaurants, activities and golf cart friendly.

OTOH, I could not see me in the "true country" part of any state or many of the frou-frou suburbs that are for the rich and competitive. LOL!

As for the abundance of chain restaurants? Yes, there ARE a lot in the USA. BUT, even in this area of Ohio, there are dozens upon dozens of wonderful small restaurants that are not part of a chain. Actual, probably hundreds.

As to living expenses. Yes, the USA has seen price jumps that boggle the mind. It was so much cheaper before COVID.

And I totally get the travel costs being outrageous! I am jealous at the prices the UK citizens pay for most flights. I couldn't fly to Chicago (325 miles away) for the price UK citizens pay to fly to Germany and many other places.

I would say that 90k compared to your UK salary is not that much of an upgrade. The US is expensive so your salary should be significantly higher than in the UK to make it truly worthwhile.

in my view, the wfh isolation and the nastiness of the in- laws would be the deal breakers here. It’s hard enough to deal with a change in country when everything is going your way. With those major downsides, I would move back honestly.

You sound like you are actually in a vulnerable position. You are quite isolated and the main contacts you should have there actively dislike you and have made your so life hard you used the word traumatised. This part is much more important than your pros and cons list about the locations.

Having a baby in this context has the potential to make you more vulnerable. Imagine if your relationship with your husband shows cracks under this pressure or after having a baby.

Your life in the UK sounds wholly preferable, and better for your well-being. Don’t have a baby in the US in the circumstances. You’d need to be so sure that you’d never want to or need to leave.

@BruFord it’s great in New York, LA, Boston etc but I found it concentrated.

This also occurred to me as I read the comments about in laws but also DH friends not accepting her. Religious and racial divides were huge when I lived there. Even in New York.
OP - how did you meet?
100% agree you’ll be trapped there if you have kids.
You also need to aware that if your employer is American there is virtually no mat leave. So you’ll not as easily meet other parents as you’ll be back at work v quickly and finding childcare. Or giving up your job, trapping you more

https://www.bbc.co.uk/worklife/article/20210624-why-doesnt-the-us-have-mandated-paid-maternity-leave

26 years ago my brother had a dream to move to America with his wife & small children, buy a business and hopefully have a better life. My Mum and me were devastated but knew this was his dream so we wished him well. They bought a business and for a few years they did very well but because it was their business they didn’t really trust anyone to take care of it so it was difficult to could come back to the UK for holidays, they only returned once. We as a family missed out on seeing his 3 kids grow up. My DM wouldn’t fly to see him as she didn’t want to go to the USA. I know my parents were heartbroken even though mum only ever confided in me. After about 8 years my SIL met someone else and started an affair eventually breaking the marraige up. She took my brother for every thing they had worked for because the law is different to our laws here in the UK. My DB was basically stuck in the States as his ex wife didn’t want to come back to the UK and he didn’t want to leave his children in the States with her. So as they grew up over there he had to start from scratch again, get a job (she got awarded the business they bought) then he bought a property again (she had the house they’d bought) paying off his mortgage which he’d already done before when he was married to his ex! Meanwhile over here in the UK we had family personal problems he couldn’t help me with because he was over there, he did thankfully visit our parents once and was completely floored by how old our Parents had got, mum eventually passed away and he was devastated as he’d realised he hadn’t spent much time with her in her latter years nor had she spent any time with his children which upset him. He badly wanted to come home to live for the last 5 years of his life but his children were all working and in relationships of their own and as he said to me several times he didn’t want to leave them in the US on their own with no family.
unfortunately He suddenly passed away 3 years ago unexpected at 60, I was and still am devastated I miss him so much. He told me although he’d made a few friends in the US he kept them at arms length because they didn’t have the English SOH, he wasn’t interested in going to church etc like they are over there. He said he should have just gone for longer holidays not emigrated, it upset him greatly that his children had missed out on family, grandparents, aunties & uncles. They now all speak American. I’ve tried to stay in touch with them like he wanted but their mother makes it difficult for me as she narcissistic. I hope this gives you a bit of food for thought regarding who you’ve left behind as sometimes money is not everything.

Wow thank you all for the replies. I hope to respond to each individually but The last one about the sixty year-old brother that was stuck in America, but sadly passed away, had me in tears. Unfortunately, my husband wouldn't move to the UK or wouldn't even, I don't think, entertain the idea. He just kind of laughs every time I bring it up. Thing is, he has his own business, so it would be very hard to start again from scratch in the UK. It's also very hard to get on the property ladder with one salary, things like that. I just am at an age in my life now where I think the next step will affect the rest of my life. And it does seem that I've fallen into a little hole of depression here, just feeling so isolated. I don't ever feel like I'm around my people, people that remind me of myself, and feel genuinely cared about by anyone here. I also don't feel safe around people after how I was treated by his family last year, which is a shame because it's taken that feeling of safety away from me. I never had to worry about things like that anywhere, and I have definitely changed for it as a person. For those asking ethnicity, we are both white. He's American, I'm British. He's from a Catholic family, however, they're not strict Catholics. Well, they pretend to be, but they're not.

It took a lot for my husband to actually put me there. He always used to say he did when I moved here, but he didn't. He put his family first. The first year here was so traumatic that I'm honestly thinking I've got PTSD or some depression from it, and now things are stable, I'm only just coming to terms with what happened to me and how life will be going forward. It's ironic though because my partner is finally standing up for me, so I feel guilty, reason thinking that I would wanna, like, leave this situation. But I know why I feel like this. It's because I had to fight to be loved out here.

my dad who I’m very close too is getting unwell and he lived 5 minutes down the street to me in the uk. To think he will never know my kids is kind of sad. I’ve lost my mojo here in England I felt like I owned my life, planned weekends, took joy in little things even if it was a walk or going to the pub. Here everything rolls into one; husband works most saturdays, it’s a drag and even the people right now I don’t feel like socializing with.

Should probably add (although i don’t want much judgement) that husband smokes weed pretty much daily so it disconnects him from reality and I feel even more disconnected from him.

@MichelleRodriguezxx I'm sorry you're feeling so down. It sounds to me like you have a marriage problem more than a location problem. One of the things about moving to a new country as part of a couple is that it needs to be a fun mutual adventure. If only one person is doing all the adapting without the other either joining in or smoothing the way, it won't work. Please, please don't have children until you've worked things out. Could you pay a visit home in the near future to give yourself time to take a breath? Another thought, if your husband has his own business and you're remote, could you relocate as a couple to somewhere else in the US?

@Behaveyourself88 I'm sorry about the loss of your brother and that's a very sad story, but pretty atypical, I think. First of all, the courts in the UK tend to be much more generous in splitting marital assets than in the US. He must have been quite unlucky in the divorce. I do think it's regional, but many, many Americans don't go to church (I know very few who do), and I'm not sure what 'speaking American' means?

Friends are “close to his mum” and do as they say so once the mother didn’t like me for not doing absolutely everything she wants and says, then she tried to (kind of successfully) turn most people against me.

Thanks for being kind. It just reminds me there are nice people out there. I did go home in March but it was only for 4 nights. I stayed with my mum. I went into my office. It was great. I went to the pub with my dad and saw dogs in pubs! Had some great food and felt more British than I ever have done. I felt home. I felt around people that loved me.

@MichelleRodriguezxx Given your update, I agree with @expatme that you have a marriage/DH problem. He sounds inflexible and expects you to adapt to his life without adapting for you. This isn't healthy.

Honestly, I'd throw this one back and go home to the UK. You can do so much better.

What is it about your life and marriage that's keeping you there? I don't mean that in a cruel way, but I'm wondering what the positives in your life are?

I wouldn't like the dope smoking either. It does tend to make people solipsistic.

I’d struggle to settle in your situation and would absolutely want to return to the UK. Certainly you need to make a decision before kids come along and I’d hope dh is at least up for considering the move?

what I will say though is that having kids (in the uk but presumably in the US as well) is a good way to make inroads into the community. Though I gather there are less “baby groups” on the US due to maternity leave being so much shorter (another thing to consider)! I think kids can have a good upbringing in the US too with far more access to sports and other extra curricular than in the UK.

I think I could be happy in certain parts of the US. But absolutely not in the suburbia that you describe. I hope your dh understands how you feel at least. With no physical workplace or children, it’s no wonder it’s isolating. Wondering if you run- running groups can be a great social thing in the UK at least and I hear similar things about the US

Living in a place you don’t really like, WFH so isolated, husband that works every weekend, his family don’t like you and him smoking weed every day.. I’d be packing my bags immediately. Life is too short

just caught up with your last post, honestly I’d just leave and leave the “d”h behind. I don’t think you’re happy there at all and if your dh won’t even discuss returning to the UK seriously, I think that tells you all you need to know