UK or US life: homesickness, family ties and where to settle

[MichelleRodriguezxx]

I'm looking for honest advice from people who have lived in both the UK and the US, or who've faced a similar decision.
I'm originally from Essex, UK, but now live in Ohio for 3 years with my American husband. I'm really struggling to work out whether my feelings are just homesickness or whether I'm genuinely better suited to life in the UK.
UK (Essex)

• £50k WFH job (Canary Wharf office if needed)
• Family and lifelong friends nearby
• 3-bed detached house in a village
• Walkable pub, Friday fish & chip van (a genuine highlight!)
• Near the coast
• Easy access to London, Europe and weekend breaks

USA (Ohio)

• $90k WFH job
• Healthcare comes out of my salary
• Groceries feel significantly more expensive
• No office, fully remote
• No family or close friends here (only my husband's family/friends)
• 3-bed detached house with a decent amount of land
• Need to drive everywhere
• About 30 minutes from the nearest beach
• Beautiful Metroparks nearby, which I walk in almost daily

My honest experience after living here is that money disappears much faster than I expected. The higher salary hasn't translated into feeling wealthier once healthcare, groceries, travel and other costs are factored in.
I've travelled around the US (Colorado, North Carolina, New York, Las Vegas, Savannah, Tennessee) and while there are some incredible places and stunning national parks, I often feel like so much of everyday America is built around chain restaurants, retail and driving. The national parks have genuinely been one of the things that have kept me going mentally.
One thing I really appreciate is the healthcare. When you need it, it's been fast, reliable and excellent.
What I've struggled with most is the sense of community. This is obviously just my experience, but interactions often feel friendly yet quite surface-level. People are polite, but I rarely feel those interactions develop into genuine connections. In England, I felt there was more banter, humour and community spirit, and neighbours were more likely to know each other.
Life here also feels much more car-dependent and individualistic. In England I loved being able to spontaneously book weekends away, visit different villages, drive to the coast or jump on a cheap flight to Europe. Here, holidays feel like they require much more planning, time off work and money. Domestic flights are also far more expensive than I'm used to.
At the same time, I'm aware the UK has its own problems right now—cost of living, the NHS, politics and general decline that people often talk about. I do wonder whether living in a village would shield me from some of that, as I genuinely loved my community there.
The hardest part has been family. Since moving I've lost two grandparents and missed both funerals. My parents are getting older, and my nephew now lives just 10 minutes from my old house. That's becoming increasingly difficult emotionally. His family have been VERY UNWELCOMING and want everything their own way. I am merely my husbands wife to them. We don’t see them a lot. They hate me. Think I’m using him and are just mean girl attitude.
I don't hate America at all, and I know experiences vary hugely by state. Ohio may not represent the whole country. There are definitely things I love here, especially the parks, the space and the quality of healthcare. The parks have stopped me from becoming depressed. Every day rolls into one here - I wake up - work - watch tv - sleep - in there big house - big car- I feel like that might suit some people but I can’t help but feel like I want a little more out of life. My husband says most people here are miserable that’s why they aren’t very nice or care about anyone deeply. Christmas in the UK is special, spas, pubs, everywhere is decorated and we get so much time off work. Here you’re lucky to get two days off. I honestly believe some Americans would talk to you in a supermarket, and if you got run over 5 minutes later they’d drive around you - nothing feels genuine here. Us Brit’s bond on humor. They don’t.
I just can't shake the feeling that something is missing. I miss the humour, the sense of belonging, the spontaneity and feeling part of a community.
Has anyone else moved from the UK to the US (or vice versa) and felt this way? Did it get better with time, or did you eventually realise one country simply suited your personality better? I'm really interested in hearing honest experience from people who've lived both lives. I’m running out of time to have children in either country.

Having supportive family around is really important once you have kids. If you stay in the US, you will be stuck with the in laws.

I really wouldn't stay in the US right now - far too unstable.

Good point about the promised support not materialising. I think in OPs case, however, pleasantly useless family would be far preferable to the nastiness with the in laws.

How do you feel about raising children there? Do the schools feel safe? I’d be making some serious decisions before having children as if you have them there you’re potentially stuck. Especially given the situation with your husbands family.

I've been in the US for about 15 years, same situation to you with an American DH. As others have advised, DO NOT have children until you've made a decision about where you want to bring them up long-term as it'll be a huge battle to bring them to the UK if your DH doesn't agree.

I took about five years to settle here. I met my first friends through work, and I wonder whether looking for something hybrid might be a good idea? Seeing colleagues in person can help you build friendships.

I've also always lived in either large or medium-sized cities with strong international populations. I don't know much about Cleveland, but surely it has some nice neighborhoods with decent schools? City living is certainly more expensive, but we like to be able to walk to things, plus I think it's easier to meet people. I'd never live rurally or in the suburbs.

My DH's family are nice but very scattered so we don't have any support from them. It sounds as if you might want to consider moving further away from your DH's family, they sound toxic.

Overall, I do think the British way of life is easier though and if your DH is up for it, start looking into the visa process as it'll take a while. You may need to move back to the UK first and start working there in order to sponsor him, for example.
That's another reason NOT to start a family yet.

I love living in the US but then again, I live in New York City so very different circumstances to you. We have no plans to move back to the UK (though never say never). I do enjoy going back to see family but realise that’s a holiday when everyone makes an effort to see each other and do things together and in real
life, it wouldn’t be like that all the time.

Honestly, this sounds like a husband problem rather than a location one. Why is he letting his family treat you that way? And does he know how unhappy you are? Is he receptive to moving to the UK? Would you consider going back without him?

You must feel incredibly lonely, OP. Lots of love to you

Is that wise if youre unhappy?

If your DH is letting his family be mean to you, that's a highly toxic environment for you to be in.

Once you have kids you're stuck. He may not let you move back, highly unlikely.

It sounds miserable to have no friends or support. 3 years is a long time, I'd look at moving home to the UK at this point.

They sound abusive and the kids will then grow up with this. Awful situation. Why is the DH enabling this?

I moved - my kids grew up without grandparents aunts uncles extended family.

Once the kids are in school there’s no easy way to move back - now they are older they have partners and I couldn’t imagine leaving them here and moving back

There’s defiantly a point of no return.

NY I can imagine similar to London. I don’t really like living in cities I much prefer greenery and suburbs. But in the US suburbs are super lonely, suberbs in the UK you can walk around, walk to a pub, walk to the shops etc. it’s totally different Yano? Also it’s a lot more expensive in the USA to live in a walkable city as you know whereas in the uk you can have both. A village and walkable things. Have you actually lived in Ohio? Sorry I missed that. I love Ohio city! It’s great for dinner in fact I’m going Saturday. What took you to Ohio and which part of London are you in? Do you find the British people more genuine than the us? If you’ve managed to make friends, well done. Why would you move back to USA ?

same it’s a great balance being able to wfh and go into the office if you live on the outskirts of London. I miss that! Which part of the USA did you live, how long and did you like / enjoy any thing about living there?

Thanks. My husband has set boundaries and gone no contact with one sister who has been absolutely terrible but he didn’t at first. It took a year of hell which I am still suffering from. Slept alone on my wedding night because of her.

Hi. He actually has now (finally) stood up for me and gone no contact with 1 sister. It took a year of hell which quite honestly think I have trauma from. Anyway I’m still worried of having children that will be related to these evil people.

There are some walkable suburbs in the USA, but I don't think Cleveland has many. Shaker Heights maybe? DC, Boston, NYC, Bay Area, maybe Chicago all do in their inner suburbs, or a more outer-city area. The problem is always that the areas like this are expensive.

You definitely have to get your relationship on a fully solid footing before you commit to any decisions. Unfortunately your children will be related to your in-laws, but you can have nothing to do with them, whatever country you live in.

It sounds a no brainer to me to come back to the UK.

Ah, I don't think I can give much insight here really. I'm 43 and I moved here when I was 18 for University. I moved back for a short period in my 20s, but I've been here most of my adult life. I'm very integrated here. When I moved back to the USA in my 20s, I had reverse culture shock. I didn't feel like I fit in. I just preferred it here. I applied for citizenship earlier this year. I've no intention of moving back.

I agree with what others have said though reference children. If your husbands family aren't supportive and you don't get along with them, you are likely to feel even more isolated once children arrive and you will be well and truly trapped. If my husband and I split or he passed and I was left here in the UK with my children, I would probably still want to stay here in the UK.

That is terrible advice. She won't be able to move home with kids of a US citizen if he doesn't agree

It seems a bit like the question you’ve asked is the wrong one. It seems the question could be, should I move back to the Uk as my husband’s family in Ohio hate me? A lot of people move to be near family and friends, but a big element of this is missing for you, he has family who could have welcomed you making life easier, but they’re actively hostile towards you. Otherwise I suspect you’d feel a lot less isolated. What’s the situation with his friends? Americans living here I know often look forward to going home as they have a network of childhood and/or unI friends they miss. Does his social circle not provide potential friendships? Do you know why his family is so hostile? Is there any hope of this changing? Because if you have children with him there, aside from potentially being trapped there, you may come under pressure to spend more time with relatives who want to see the kids but are horrible to you.

honestly, in your shoes, I’d move. But there’s some key practicalities you haven’t responded to questions about. A key one being can your husband get a similar role here? Will he consider moving? Or maybe you are so unhappy you’re considering moving back without him?

For what it’s worth, I like the uk, some of the culture, UK sense of humour being key, but hate the weather (summer is approx 3 months, rest of year, for me who hates the cold, awful.) And I have dual citizenship with another European country and am seriously considering moving due to the healthcare here. The fact I am in inner city London will have some bearing on this, waiting times to see an NHS consultant are awful. A and E is a nightmare, although when you are seen with a life threatening emergency that is when the NHS is really good. Unless you have private insurance through work (I’m freelance) it can be inaccessible as if you use it they simply claw their money back by hiking your premiums at renewal. A lot of people end up paying out of pocket for consultations, drugs, procedures as they can’t take the pain or discomfort due to the waits. I have many times. If you do move back check the waiting times and standards of care in hospitals in the area, chat gpt will help with this. I think area can make quite a difference.

American in the UK here, 30- odd years. @MichelleRodriguezxx I am really curious about something and I hope you don't mind me asking. Are you and your husband from the same racial background? This is one thing that occurred to me.

Sorry, my question is based on his family's behaviour.

Yes, that would be my concern - the kids growing up with that toxic behaviour around them. It would be very hard, in OP's situation, to sheild the kids from this.

The idea of school shootings and other gun crime also scares me.

With all the problems that the NHS has, US healthcare is worse in many ways. It"s very much driven by insurance and profit.

I haven't lived in Ohio, but one set of grandparents lived in Cleveland, so I spent time there. And in answer to your question, no, I didn't find British people more genuine. In fact, I found it to be an almost impenetrable circle of tight bonds of family and people who had been friends since nursery, who had been friends since their grandparents were at the same boarding school, who had been at university together, etc., and who weren't remotely interested in including any outsiders. I sometimes joke that the only people who spoke to me for two years were people I was buying things from.

But I persevered. The thing about trying to break in as an expat is that the effort has to come from you. We did have children, so I joined the PA, and took them to sports and activities, I volunteered, I did hobbies, I had coffees with friends of friends, I took some courses, I joined the Kensington & Chelsea Women's Club. DH was working in an office, so we got invited to some things through that. I would say it took about 3 years before we had a real social circle, and it tends to be pretty international - most of the couples we're friends with have at least one non-Brit.

All of that said, I agree with the pps that your husband's family sounds toxic and I suspect that's problem number 1. I wonder if you would be happier living somewhere away from them? Other than cutting contact with one sister, how supportive is he? Does he have friends he's introduced you to and do they include you in things? Would he be willing to move to the UK?

@expatme tbh, if I stayed in the same place I've grown up, went to uni and worked all my life in, I don't think I would have enough time for new people outside of these circles, bar nursery/primary school connections through kids.
It's much easier to find friends to form strong connections with when you are young, single and have a lot of young single people around and plenty of time on your hands.
I've got plenty of expat friends in the UK through expat whatsapp groups, primary school and work. I've made the same effort with the British, but gave up on them completely now.
But again, it may be easier to become friends with expats because they also lost all their "village" and seek new connections and human interaction.

Yes, the experience made me think about how I'd been in the past. When we were in NY where, as I've said, I'd grown up and had a big and established social circle, I was friendly to newcomers, but didn't go out of my way to include them or go above and beyond to get to know them. I now am very conscious of that when I meet people who have moved here recently and make a big effort with them. We do have some British friends, but I will say, they're very often ones who have spent some time living elsewhere, so have some experience at needing to try to integrate themselves. I definitely realised our first couple of years here what a very small island this is - I met so many people who had been at school together, whose parents and grandparents had been at school together. That would be very unusual in the US, in my experience.

That's a really good point, @expatme My US partner is always really surprised and quite envious in some ways that I have a close friendship group from college some 40 years ago and another slightly looser one from my London school where there are a couple of women that I have known for more than 50 years.

I met so many people who had been at school together, whose parents and grandparents had been at school together. That would be very unusual in the US, in my experience.

I know a fair few people like this in the US and I live in a small city that is becoming quite hipstery and I imagine it is really really common in small towns. In fact it can be quite funny at our local boat club when you realise that the slight tension between two members at the AGM might have started 30 years ago when he dated her sister in high school. I heard two 80 year olds recently having a pretty strong argument about something in their parochial school 70 years before. The thing is if you are a newcomer it takes a good while to become close to people who have always lived in the place. but it is possible.

In my experience a lot of americans are very good friends with their college friends for their entire lives. Often their freshman dorm mate - randomly assigned - remains a close friend for life. My son's best friends as an adult are kids he met in kindergarten and in 6th grade.

Anyway none of this is relevant to the OP who is not happy where she is living, has toxic in laws, and absolutely should not get pregnant before she decides where she is going to live the next 20 years.