Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

Ehat is the package he is being offered…what type of visa, relocation, health care, school fees, vacation allowance, flights to visit back home…. All of those would have a huge bearing on my decision

Absolutely not being unreasonable op.
You will be vulnerable with a new baby in a land you don't know anyone with family in a whole other continent.
He needs to put himself in your shoes which he isn't doing - he is just thinking about his own career.

Personally I'd go but with a fixed time frame in writing so you're back in time for your son to start Year 3. But if you start in schools there you might find it very hard to come back here to huge class sizes and no resources. Are plane tickets home part of the package?

Yes, all of this.

As well as knowing if you can come back with the children if you want. You can't from Australia for example, if only one of you wants to leave you can't take the children.

And will you keep your house so you have a place to live in if you return.

With the real possibility of a Trump presidency, you couldn’t pay me enough to live in the US.

Your DS is 2, it will be years before he starts school there, so this shouldn't be a factor.

You have legitimate concerns, but this also seems a great opportunity, especially if you don't sell/rent out your home, so can easily return. However, if your DH doesn't want to, you might not be able to bring the children back without his permission.

When I saw the title I thought ‘yeah, go!’, but then I read Texas… I would also be concerned about so many of the social and legal issues there, it wouldn’t appeal at all, and I’d wonder if I’d meet any friends.
also it would be hard for you with little ones.
sounds like you’re really happy with your life atm, - how would it be if he worked away and cm home once a month?

DH was once offered a job in the US when DD was a baby. It looked good on paper but when we looked at costs it wasn’t worth it.
Things like accommodation costs, needing to run 2 cars, the cost of pre-school.
It was an expensive state and DH would have had to do a long commute too.
Their annual leave package also wasn’t great and I knew that it would all be used up visiting the U.K. and the flight costs. Would mean we never got a real holiday.
The recruiter kept telling me I could do some college courses but that would also be incredibly expensive and I wouldn’t be able to work.

If it had been his company and they had covered all costs and it was for a set amount of time I might have done it.

Don't do it @Nunu90 , you don't want to. Your career is important too. Far more important is your well being and mental health and your support network.

DH would be extremely unreasonable to push this any further, it is a huge ask.

I think you should go. Would be a great experience.

Where in Texas?

I’d find it hard to say no if he really wanted to do it and it’s a big promotion; I’d be sore I think if I wanted to do this but couldn’t.

How do you think the dynamics will work if he doesn’t take it?

If you’re really set against it, could he go and you/he visit at least when there’s not school to consider?

I'm a US citizen and I wouldn't move to Texas!! It's stinking hot and humid in the summer for months and the general feel of the place is very Republican - there are lots of Trump supporters, guns, etc. Plus, you have literally zero reasons for going apart from your DH putting pressure on you. Hold firm! My DH told me he'd like to move to Florida and I told him to have fun, because hell will freeze over before I move there!!

@Manyshelves makes a good point about family dynamics if you stay. He’s obviously going to be disappointed and a bit resentful. Do you think that would play into family life or be held against you? Would he even decide to go alone?

I think it’s really exciting and would be off like a shot.

If you break up while out there then you can only bring the kids back to the UK with your husband’s permission. If you were single then I’d say give it a go because you wouldn’t have that risk.

How confident are you about the saving loads of money angle? People get excited about wages in Australia for instance without realising what the cost of living is like.

The only way for you both to get what you want is for you to do long distance. I assume that temporary is like 2/3 years and the firm would hopefully accept paying for more plane tickets because you and the kids won’t need school fees, health insurance etc

You need to look into absolutely everything! What's included within the package he's being offered. Health care provision, and a good one for all the family is paramount. You do need to look at the implications of you returning with the children alone...can you legally do this? My cousin and his pregnant girlfriend moved to Australia, they split up and she's stuck in Australia, as she's not allowed to return home with the children, without my cousin's consent. Do not under any circumstances sell your home in the UK. The single biggest mistake people make when they move abroad. This should be a joint decision, with pros and cons weighed against each other.

I wouldn't do it OP - you will be so, so vulnerable. DH and I have talked about living in the US for a year or two as his company's HQ is in California; it's a joint decision though, and we decided not to for various reasons; mainly taking our DD (6) away from all her family and friends, leaving our own family/friends, me not being able to work and - among other things - the gun culture and rolling back of women's rights in the US (I'm aware it's not such an issue as California is a more liberal state but it still freaks me out).

I follow an English woman on TikTok who lived in the US as she married an American. She has 3 young children and they moved back to the UK when she was pregnant with her youngest, for all the reasons I mentioned above.

You DH sounds quite selfish. He wants this job and is ignoring all your concerns, and as pp said is not putting himself in your shoes - does he have form for this?

If he’s worried about the cost of living here then the US is even worse!

Groceries were double what they are here, health insurance if not provided by work can be $1000 for a family, and my friend got a small operation and still had to pay $4000 even though she has great insurance.

I like the US, but the package would need to be excellent for me to live out there again.

Not a chance in hell would I move to Gilead. I wouldn't especially want my DH there either, coming home for occasional visits, when the DC were so very young.

Immediate thoughts are that he's been flattered into thinking that he wants this Big Promotion, but we all have responsibilities to things other than our own egos, such as family stability. It'll be interesting and possibly a tad heartbreaking to see whether he's prepared to disentangle all his feelings in a mature manner for the sake of his family.

Thanks all, it would be based in Houston, but he would also have to travel around the States, too. I do foresee being left alone a fair bit if he has to travel for work, but I don't know how much travel will be in involved and am just speculating.

Regarding the visas and the package - during our initial two week window, I asked for all of this information, and DH said that he didn't want to ask for all that without a hypothetical 'yes' so that he wasn't wasting their time, which was also a red flag for me. I will ask again. He has told me that he won't take it if he doesn't get the same leave allowance, though.

With schooling, I am just thinking ahead. DS is 3 in December, and it breaks my heart to think I'd be looking at school applications here next year but then moving away instead. I know I sound like a complete 'homebody' but that's exactly what I am.

For further context, we have moved around a bit for DH job in the past. Although not very far, we've moved to three different areas within an hour of the city we're both from. When we moved here, I agreed to do so on the basis that this was our 'forever' home where we would raise a family. Of course, and understandably so (to an extent) he is now saying we didn't know this chance would come up.

At the moment, with family dynamics, is it going to be extremely difficult. I do understand his reasons for wanting to go, and I do think he will resent me if he doesn't go. Equally, I think I'll resent him if I feel forced to go. Another thing to add, is we have a dog who is 10 and now elderly. He's been with us his entire life and it would absolutely kill me to leave him, my home, my friends, job and family. I know the dog issue seems relatively small in the grander scheme of this being a big opportunity, but that is just an added side of guilt on my conscience ...

Edit - He also keeps emphasising that he truly feels like this will be a huge opportunity for our family, in terms of 'life experience' and saving money for when we return home. He is claiming he only wants the bigger promotions for us, but of course, I know that that is as an aside to wanting the promotion too. However, I know that, me being me and not wanting to be there at all, I'll be counting down the days/weeks/months till we can return and even then, I'll hate the idea that it would then be down to him if we even do return.

You can take the dog, although I’m not sure what the logistics are.

Jesus...
Let him go...and pay a hefty child maintenance.

In writing? What difference will that make? People do leave marriages, and this would be no different.

You should have mentioned the dog in the OP, he is a big factor in this. I agree that your DH not knowing the package details is a red flag, plus the working away.

You've swayed me.

@StormingNorman thank you for your reply. Our dog is almost 11 and a big dog. I'd be so worried about him coping with the flight, or the affects any medication to help him to cope.