Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

@Nunu90 I'm sorry to hear this, but sadly not surprised. I'm afraid this further information makes it absolutely clear why you would say no. I wouldn't be explicit with him about this because you know how he'll respond from past experience. Do you have trusted friends who know what your relationship is like and support you? Would you think about accessing therapy to get support for yourself around the relationship? You're in a very vulnerable position just now and you need to know you have people you can trust. Also well done for maintaining your career. I think you have a good idea of what you are dealing with and the need to protect yourself. You don't have to deal with this all at once.

We had a similar offer as a family - USA East Coast - but the difference was I would have been able to work too. We still turned it down - the amount of money we needed to have a similar lifestyle to our U.K. one was IMMENSE and the disruption to our kids, young though they were, not worth it. Plus - guns. The rate of violent crime. Shooter drills.

That wasn’t what we wanted our kids to experience. Their US cousins experience the kind of worry and anxiety around this that no child should have to.

It might sound extreme, but absolutely no way would I be sending my child to school in the US. Especially Texas.

We did something like this (not to the States) and it was great- a proper family adventure. But it won’t be that if you go against your will.

Would you consider just your husband going, on some sort of partial basis? Eg 2 weeks on 2 weeks working remotely from the UK, and staying in a serviced apartment when he’s there? I know quite a few people who have made an arrangement like this work- obv depends on the job and whether it’s possible to do remotely for part of the time and whether you can manage without him the other part.

Can he go for 6 months? A year ? A secondment with time back? I know a couple where they did this - although for years so the away parent doesn’t have a great relationship with the kids …

There was a recent thread about moving to Dallas. I posted on there why my Leicester had left Texas. Might be useful.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/living_overseas/5172055-dallas-texas?page=3&reply=138911494

''He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood.''
Who in their right mind want's to move to a place that requires a gated neighbourhood to be safe?
Sorry I wouldn't go and neither would the children, he's perusing his career over everything else.
Let him go, it may mean divorce eventually but who want's to be in a relationship where one partner is prepared to jeopardise everything they have for their own career.
He's already lost you and he doesn't realise it, maybe he will come to his senses once he's living over there by himself.

I know Houston a little. Nothing could induce me to live in the USA. No amount of money. Don't be pressured into this move. If he is the type to treat you badly for refusing, is he worth keeping? Good luck 💐

The main thing that would put me off is if you ever divorced and he decided to stay in texas, he could stop you taking the children back to the UK.
You'd essentially be stuck there with no support system.

OP I have been where you are, dog but no kids. The red flag from me would be that you haven't got every single detail and your DH won't ask the questions. When we did it, we got given a MASSIVE file (it was some 35 years ago no pdf files then) with every single in and out in it plus we could ask anything just anything we wanted and get an answer, also at the "maybe" stage we were given a no strings option to visit the area for a week and house hunt. It was made crystal clear to me that I would not be allowed to work under any circumstances but New Jersey may differ from Texas in that respect.
I know I am going all Mumsnet over this but I think your husband's attitude stinks. He doesn't seem to be listening to you or being sensible about the offer at all. Is he usually like this? The other thing to say is that we did well out of it financially because of the non dom status tax rules of the time. I know this have (or will) change and you really need to check that you will make money by going. I found living in the US quite expensive in terms of food and everyday expenditure and I have a frriend in the forces who has just completed an assignment over there (Florida) and says the same, as does my other freind who holidays over there 2 or 3 times a year. She goes for fun and can easily afford it but says that costs have spiralled over the past 4 years or so.
The other thing which prob won't apply to you is that the goalposts for DH's future employment in the company got moved while we were over there which caused us further problems. I won't say don't do it, I will say that if your husband's attitude doesn't change, then I would proceed with extreme caution, both with the projected change and with your marriage generally.

He is completely ludicrous for not immediately asking for the relocation package.
I actually suspect he does know a fair bit of info about what it contains, or has a good enough idea of it from colleagues and so I would conclude that it’s not a full bells and whistles too much to turn down package which is why he’s trying to get you to agree 1st. So he can then say well you’ve agreed now if you say no after seeing it.

or if not then he’s just your garden variety selfish bastard who had only seen a job title and salary and hadn’t considered his family at all.

I’d just tell him you’re not discussing it anymore, nothing sounds good for you, you son or pregnancy.
youve raised concerns about safety and health care and he’s dismissive so until he can come to you with these addressed properly and full financial information then there is nothing to discuss.
he can go if he wants but you’re not giving up everything for him if he can’t even do one thing to try and answer your concerns rather than betting them.

We went to Houston with a just turned 2 yr old. DH had already done a couple of 1 month placements there to see if it would work for employer and employee.

From my experience (which was a good while ago now):

The pros:

Houston is a big vibrant city, with lots going on. DH’s company had a good relocation system both in terms of the practicalities of arriving, finding somewhere to live, getting stuff shipped over, buying cars, finding white goods, sorting insurance etc, and in having a buddy system for trailing spouses, and I met quite a few people this way.

It’s a major hub and easy to travel to places for short breaks - we were only there for a year but went to California a couple of times and travelled all across Texas.

There’s a big ex pat community and you can get involved through this.

We had a lot of visitors from the UK - it seemed like someone was coming over every few weeks.

Our lovely US neighbours helped me get DC into an amazing pre school. It was run by the Southern Baptists so fine for youngsters (church is a big thing). My primary school teacher MIL was blown away by the facilities.

The cons:

It’s expensive - housing costs, utilities, insurance, groceries, eating out etc. We had a lowish housing allowance and kept our UK house on and rented it out, so the UK rent kept our house ticking over and we were essentially spending the mortgage amount on the rental. We had an older single storey house so cheaper to rent and cool, but in a good subdivision.

We had an upfront cash sum to help with initial costs, which made it a really good deal for a year. We made sure we had relocation costs back to the UK included in the package, which was just as well as DH ended up quitting to get a big step up career wise back in the UK with a different company.

Health insurance is very expensive - even our company scheme (which apparently was excellent) was a big chunk of salary each month. As we were planning for a 2nd DC we had to have the top level family cover.

If your DH is on an intracompany transfer, you will be completely reliant on him - he will get a social security number and you will get a tax identification number (or at least that’s how it worked when I was there). I couldn’t get a phone contract in my name as I needed a SS number.

Houston is hot and humid in the summer, although you will get used to it (more or less!). Be aware that there is wildlife that you don’t get in the UK, there are snakes and spiders that you need to avoid.

US holiday entitlement is very limited, so that might be something to negotiate on. I think we negotiated extra days plus carrying over our unused UK days.

You do need to recognise that many Texans are into the gun culture. We always assumed that everyone was armed and ensured we were super careful when driving, and it’s something you need to consider when kids are on play dates (are weapons secured away from children).

There’s no way I’d want to take a large elderly dog to Houston either - friends in Houston had left their dogs with relatives back home.

DH had worked in the ME, and found Houston a bigger culture shock than Saudi. Don’t underestimate how different it can be.

In the end, we couldn’t make the numbers add up past that first year and were being pressured to start applying for a green card, so took the opportunity of a change of job / company and a return to the UK (albeit to a completely different area).

It was a great opportunity for a year, and I’m glad we did it, but we were both keen to do it and we were both a bit naive too. It was good timing for me - DC was young enough for it to be easy and I was happy to leave my job and put my career on hold.

From your posts it sounds like you really don’t want to do it. A good company would fly you all out for a week to have a recce, and you definitely need to know the exact package before you agree.

You both have to want to do it, go in with your eyes open and a Plan B if it doesn’t work out or one of you wants to come home.

As someone who has made the move to the US, a couple of things.

Admittedly we are in NY but we really do not live our lives in fear of guns and my child isn't traumatized over infrequent drills.

More importantly. I was you about 15 years ago. I decided to go to 'go for it' with a 'no regrets' attitude on the basis that we would have a three year adventure. And we're still here. It's amazing how life settles within three years, and you go from thinking you'll be back for your child to start Reception, to thinking you'll be back for Year 3, and by the time they should start secondary you think it's too late. We have a lovely home here, friends, jobs, opportunities that we wouldn't have back in the UK, but moving here remains the biggest regret of my life. I am always 'half happy'. But my husband and son have thrived here. So I'm now waiting on my son to finish High School and move on to his next phase and then I will return to England. We became citizens after covid as I fully expect that I will return on my own but wanted to be able to go back and forth. We have raised our son to see the world as a big place full of opportunities, so I expect he will end up moving about, and I love my husband. But I'm at peace with the fact I will probably be returning alone.

Ah, one more thing. You wouldn't get me anywhere near Texas.

I’m in Texas. Was supposed to be 2.5years. A decade later I’m stuck. Kids are American and one going to college next fall. I absolutely resent my husband, we are not a happy household. I throw myself into kids activities and volunteer (also work after 7years of being unable to get in my field)z. Have really fucked myself over. He won’t ever leave until he decides to retire somewhere else. I won’t leave my kids here alone even if grown with their own families. So there we are.

cost of living is horrendous. On paper we have a great income but it doesn’t go far. Homes in good neighbourhoods are 3-4k a month rent. Groceries min $300 a week. Insurance is through the roof $4k a year for the house (another company quoted $8k at renewal). 3 cars is $360 a month. And on and on it goes.

I feel stressed all the time and don’t actually notice it until we leave to go somewhere else (infrequent). I went to Canada for work in the summer and felt so relaxed walking around. It takes a toll. I’m going to vote today as a first time voter, new citizen. Blue all the way.

At the very least I'd be delaying my decision until after the US presidential election. That is a very reasonable delay and gives you some breathing space.

I wouldn't go, but I am too much of a feminist to be beholden to a man. I'd only go if I could go and earn money too. I had a colleague whose husband got a secondment to Houston for three years and she was able to continue working for our UK employer. They came back here after the three years. It was way before Trump, though.

I'd not go because the heat alone.

I would normally jump at this sort of opportunity, but I think your reservations in this instance are very reasonable. I would also refuse to make any decision (other than flat out no) without all the relevant information. Salary alone is not the basis on which such a big decision should be made, and it's very easy to assume that small things like company policies (annual leave, maternity and paternity pay and leave etc) are the same globally, but often they aren't. I don't understand his argument that he doesn't want to waste the company's time by asking for basic information about his job. This isn't wasting time and it's bizarre that he work in business and doesn't understand this.

I think I would be erring more on the 'no' side of this, but agree with others that you should all go for a week's visit to see what it's like.

*Edited to say, I would also wait for the outcome of the election before doing anything (other than asking him for the full package and relocation details).

@Nunu90 Can you give the ballpack of the salary increase?
I know you don't have the details of the package.

With your current house, how many years off mortgage will you get if you save the difference between the current salary and future salary?

Lots of things are relative. For a couple of millions of pounds in cash at the end, 99.5% of the posters will move to Texas for these three years; for £10 000 - hardly any. Your situation is somewhere in between regarding the economical value, it would be useful to know where you are exactly before making a decision.

It's not something I'd be happy to do and I lovely travelling and adventures. I'd happily go on an extended holiday and travel around the US. Not a chance that I would live there. It makes me quite sad to say that, actually.
I also find it very odd that he hasn't asked or has been told about the package he'd be getting. It's very well known that decent health insurance for the whole family plus a decent annual leave entitlement, alongside the salary uplift, is essential to make this type of move worthwhile and viable. If they are offering the job, all this info should have been presented at the initial discussion. It would be impossible to make a decision without it.

I have family members who did something similar (some years ago so the laws may have changed) and the wife was unable to work - she had a dependant’s residency visa but no work permit. Are you going to be in the same position?

Also, the weather in Houston is horrendously hot for much of the year plus being insanely humid. It’s like being hit in the face with a wet flannel stepping outdoors. Houston is enormous and very spread out - many people commute over an hour each way every day and there is no or very limited public transport.

I assume you wouldn’t be going until after you give birth since the cost of doing so is astronomical even if nothing goes wrong and it’s unlikely insurance will cover an existing pregnancy. If I’m wrong, that’s something else to consider, plus the fact that if, God forbid, something goes wrong with the pregnancy, doctors are incredibly limited as to the treatment they can offer.

The ‘higher salary’ quite likely isn’t once you take into account health insurance each month plus the higher cost of living. Also, when my family members were there, the schools started a year or two later. They catch up by around secondary school age but that’s not much help with a child the age of your son if you leave when he’s had 1 year of education not 2 or 3. Alternatively, there are private ‘British Schools’. If so, will the company be paying the school fees?

Finishing up with the fact that if you change your mind, as PPs have said, your children can be kept in the US while you could be told to leave and I think you’d be mad to go

"kittybiscuits · Today 12:08

Nunu90 · Today 11:55
* I do, and I find it difficult to admit. But I have told him that I feel he is bullying me into this. When I intiially said 'no', he didn't speak to me for three days. I couldn't bear the atmosphere in the house, He wasn't outright horrible, just indifferent. Although he did say he needed time to be upset and disappointed as he would never get an opportunity like this again.*
I have suffered from miscarriages in the past, and I am personally very upset and disappointed he's put this pressure on me during this pregnancy when I have all that anxiety to contend with as well. The timing has been very very poor for me mentally.
If I am being honest, I have noticed he does try to gaslight me sometimes, but of course, if I pull him up on it, he denies it and is outraged."

" I'm sorry to hear this, but sadly not surprised. I'm afraid this further information makes it absolutely clear why you would say no. I wouldn't be explicit with him about this because you know how he'll respond from past experience. Do you have trusted friends who know what your relationship is like and support you? Would you think about accessing therapy to get support for yourself around the relationship? You're in a very vulnerable position just now and you need to know you have people you can trust. Also well done for maintaining your career. I think you have a good idea of what you are dealing with and the need to protect yourself. You don't have to deal with this all at once."

OH OP Red flags all over the place. Actually this may be one of those silver lining things where you get to see once and for all what a shit your husband is.

You couldn't pay me enough to live in Texas or any of the Trumper states.

If you don't want to go, don't be pressured into it.

Don't feck up your own career for a man that wants to put his own needs first. They're usually the sort that conveniently duck out of family life and find a younger model when it suits them. 🤨

Money wouldn't come into it for me. 2 working parents in good jobs that have a comfortable life in their home country with with friends, family and stability.

Money could never be more important than that and I don't believe you could buy that, let alone buy something better than that.

DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

You are unlikely to qualify for a work visa. This makes you financially vulnerable.

You also would have a problem if you split up if you are resident in the US. You could end up in a situation where you are unable to stay due to your visa, but he can legally prevent the children from leaving. Given that this is such a huge move and relocation puts a strain on even solid relationships you'd be unwise to ignore this one. What happens if you want to return but he wants to continue his job there? This once again leave you vulnerable.

Then there's the health care. You are still pregnant. Where will the baby be born? If its not the UK, you need to look into that, because you may not be covered by his health insurance since you were already pregnant before he starts the job. What happens if the baby is born and has a health condition.

These are the three biggest factors you should be considering.

There are parts of Texas which are really nice and yes safe. Guns, Trump and various other fears about America generally shouldn't be the ones you are thinking about. You could be hit by a bus tomorrow.

I live in the US - very happily - and you couldn't pay me to move to Texas. everything cheezncrackers said is true. brutally hot and humid - and getting hotter every year - and very republican (maybe Austin would be okish). It has an open carry law for guns - you will actually see people walking about openly carrying a gun. Google the 2021 texas electrical power crisis. Also https://www.nbcnews.com/health/womens-health/texas-abortion-ban-deaths-pregnant-women-sb8-analysis-rcna171631

What visa would you be on? Chances are you wouldn't get a work visa without a lot of difficulty. So you would be in a gated community on your own with your 2 children.

I would strongly advise you to say no to this. There is nothing in this offer that is of any benefit to you or your children.