Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

Him pressuring you to say yes when he doesn't even know what the package is, that's INSANE. He's only thinking about himself, I would never trust him to agree to come back if you're miserable, which means you'd be stuck there for 18 years.

I'm from the US and I would never move to Texas.

It would be a hard no from me.
Many people move thinking it'll be for a set time frame but often it ends up being permanent. I couldn't live in America. I couldn't cope with the fear of school shootings, or shootings in general. I couldn't cope with the idea of Trump getting into power. I couldn't be that far away from my loved ones for that long.

If the children are young and I was able to rent out the house, I would seriously consider it. Your eldest is still young and after a couple years still wouldn't necessarily be in school yet, so no need to worry about US shootings which are already relatively uncommon. I would see it as a big adventure. You only live once. But if one of you didn't like Texas after a period of time, you both need to be on the same page about returning to the UK. Would there be any family members willing to take the dog? Or maybe get some advice about transferring an older dog abroad.

Agreed.

The devil's in the detail.

You can't possibly make an informed decision without knowing the details of the package he'd be offered.

He must be a clever guy... why doesnt he ask for this. Equally, why haven't the company offered it as part of their reassurance/explaining?

One of the biggest things to think about is health care package. You and the kids need cover too and it's bastard expensive. And you will need to be covered for your pregnancy and birth .

I don't know anything about Austin, but I do know that your husband's behaviour about this is a massive red flag. I think you know this too, OP. I wouldn't consider moving because apart from the fact that he hasn't asked even the most basic questions about it, if you went there and were really unhappy, he simply wouldn't listen to you.

I would also assume that your career has taken something of a back seat because of having a child and being pregnant. This is the very last time he should choose to tell you how important his career is.

Is he normally a bully? If he isn't, he's gullible to a sales pitch and has disengaged his brain. I would tell him your current answer is a firm no, but that if he finds out about the package, you will be willing to take a look.

@CutthroatDruTheViolent this really worries me too. I know no one goes into these situations expecting a break up, but I am well aware of how vulnerable I could be if things did turn sour and he wouldn't allow me to return. I've come across a few other posts on here where this has actually happened and it's terrifying.

Also naively, wasn't aware that not only could I be forced to stay if we broke up, but I could be forced to leave without my son!

As a woman, I would not move to the US right now.

This sentence jumps out at me
he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

he married you so any decision you make is a family decision, not his!

he’s being very selfish and refusing to understand your point of view

I think you have two options if he is really insistent- insist that you go for a maximum timeframe OR let him go without you. Especially when on maternity leave you could spend extended time over there to see if you could settle or not, especially as your DS is not compulsory school age yet. Not quite the same but when I was very small my dad worked away (in Europe) for financial reasons mostly. Long term he came back and it all worked out.

That all being said if you don’t want to go he should just back down on the whole idea. I’d consider more liberal states but you couldn’t ever persuade me to move to Texas. Very right wing, mostly very religious, I couldn’t ever fit in there though I gather he is thinking of a gated community in expatsville. Sounds grim.

I do not believe for one second that they haven't got a relocation package already in place. I'm a Brit living in the US, in Michigan. Houston would be a Hell, no for me. Any company that makes a job offer has healthcare benefits included in the offer as standard. That's for anyone, not just international relocation. Retirement benefits would also be included as standard in a job offer. Your husband has the info already on those things.

My DH moved with a small company who had never relocated someone but they had info about visa, lawyers and healthcare before we were asked to sign anything. I'm sorry, but your husband's story doesn't sound real, he's withholding info from you.

Nothing on earth would persuade me to live in Texas, but you really should not go unless YOU also want to. All the work and inconvenience of moving and settling in and sorting school, jobs and childcare would be on you while he enjoys his ‘big promotion’ and if he likes it there you may be stuck for the next 18 years. DONT DO IT

@Nunu90 Forgive me if I'm wrong but I don't think you've addressed on this thread the issue mentioned in the last paragraph of the post I've quoted. Parents being stuck without a job or finances to support themselves or, worse, being forced to relocate home without their children, is absolutely a thing. I know people it has happened to and it is devastating. In some cases, it doesn't even matter if you had it in writing that you could return as the courts consider the children's best interests over and above a piece of paper. Please look into this very carefully before (if) you decide to go. This website is useful: www.globalarrk.org

It’s a vulnerable time to be moving so far away from your support network. There are pros and cons to giving birth and receiving antenatal care in the US too which I’m sure you will look into.

Culturally, in my experience Americans typically make surface level friendships more quickly than we do so as long as you make the effort to go out and be part of the community I think you will find a village quicker than you might expect. It’s also not the worst time to put your career on hold for a bit with such a young family.

What package is your DH offering YOU:

My sister moved over to the USA for her husbands job (pre kids). She did want to go but he did offer her flights home every 3 months and to pay for her immediate family (including myself 😎 ) basically whenever we wanted. He also paid into her pension + student loan contribution for that initial couple of year period until they decided that the USA was their home.

Your husband should have the offer on the table. There’s different qualities of health insurance. I’ve carried my niece, floppy with a high temperature into the ER and the first question is ‘insurance details’ then to be told that they don’t accept that insurance partner. BUT, with decent insurance the medical care is phenomenal - my sister asked me when my yearly check up is as I’m looking a little peaky. She was absolutely shocked that you don’t just get random yearly appointments with the doctor just to do a MOT.

I love the USA friendliness - tree fell down in the street, neighbours clear it. When my sister first moved to the suburbs three different neighbours offered her the use of their car as they saw they didn’t have one and they had a baby (was only a ten minute walk into town), same when a storm hit strangers turning up to the door step with generators as they saw the lights out. Kids also play out on the streets, kids ride around the neighbourhood, the middle class areas are much safer than any area I’ve been in in England.

HOWEVER, your husband seems to be bit of a dick. There’s no way I’d be entertaining leaving my support group when he doesn’t seem to be supportive of you. You’re about to have another baby, he should be prioritising you, not his career.

I don’t know how hands on he is but I’d be tempted to send him over and you stay with your family + dog.

I've not RTFT but I agree this needs caution. My DH was seconded to the US, and that was a great experience for us BUT it was clearly a secondment, they had really good relocation terms and crucially it was before we had a child and I was able to work. This was because I already worked for a US company myself and have a PhD so they could get me an H1 visa.

The idea 'DH is adamant I can find a new job' sounds extremely naive to me.

Some of his colleague's wives did have kids while they were seconded, but they had to be very careful re 'pre-existing condition' for health insurance.

This. And this is a great opportunity for HIM, not the family - he’s making no attempt to reassure you

Oh and two things since your updates

1. absolutely the dog is an important factor. It probably is doable to move him, once, though
2. totally ridiculous for him to say it’s not appropriate to get full details of the package. I suspect there are some aspects of it you won’t like so he is essentially bribing you to say yes first. NOBODY would say yes to this without having the full facts to hand first.

He’s looked at the US salary but not paid attention to the costs that salary has to cover: healthcare, insurance, higher cost of food, accommodation.

He absolutely needs the relocation package details otherwise how can you make an informed decision. However, I would say he needs to also find out from colleagues what they pay in healthcare, the insurance is probably covered with the package but what is the deductible? How much will you still have to pay to have a baby in the US even with insurance - a vaginal birth with no complications? How much will you pay for antenatal appointments? How much is daycare? How much is rent? How much is it going to cost to run two cars? Buy food for a growing family of four? He really needs to work out what he’s going to be paying for your healthcare to have a second baby and travelling to and from the UK before he can claim you’ll pay a big chunk off your mortgage.

He can’t guarantee you getting a job out there but if he does, presumably he’s going to be an equal parent when you go back to work at 4 months postpartum?

I’d be really annoyed. He agreed this was your forced home and he’s gone back on that. He can argue that he never saw this promotion coming but if you’ve moved for his jobs a lot, he knew he couldn’t guarantee that. My worry would be you agree to go for a few years for him to get this opportunity and then he gets another and another. There may be times in the future when it is better to take these opportunities and if these opportunities are going to keep coming up, I think you both need to agree that the timing isn’t perfect for every opportunity but it’s not a never.

@kittybiscuits I do, and I find it difficult to admit. But I have told him that I feel he is bullying me into this. When I intiially said 'no', he didn't speak to me for three days. I couldn't bear the atmosphere in the house, He wasn't outright horrible, just indifferent. Although he did say he needed time to be upset and disappointed as he would never get an opportunity like this again.

I have suffered from miscarriages in the past, and I am personally very upset and disappointed he's put this pressure on me during this pregnancy when I have all that anxiety to contend with as well. The timing has been very very poor for me mentally.

If I am being honest, I have noticed he does try to gaslight me sometimes, but of course, if I pull him up on it, he denies it and is outraged.

I would only go if health care were included.
And if you had a maximum of five years there, in writing.

My cousin took a similar job promotion and it was the making of her career and also they had a wonderful experience.
They returned and their children were well prepared for the school at home and all are now finished university.
Some US cities require car ownership as the public transport is lacking.

What is the worst than can happen and how would you solve that?
What is the best that could happen and what
opportunities could that bring?

You have your house and you are young.
Your family could visit and you could visit home every second year..

Having read your updates and the fact that he hasn't even seen the package on offer, he is naive to the point of total destruction.

How can he consider it without a written package?

I would not consider this on any level unless I was single and childless and had a wad of dosh to come home with.

Taking this decision without having the actual offer is insane. What's the incentive for the employer to offer you a good package, if he has already said he will go basically under any conditions?

Could he go? And if it's temporary just spend 1-2 years getting his promotion travel back often and then you both get what you want.

You can settle the babies and he gets to be his high flying US aside without uprooting you.

He sounds a bit bullish, if you said no and he's trying to convince you, that's not fair.

I've lived in various country's and would more than likely say yes to this but would 100% keep my UK home.

Two very practical question- does his package come with a POSSIBILITY of a working visa for you. I would be very surprised if it did.

secondly, can you get insurance for a pre existing condition such as pregnancy? Perhaps you can, but this needs to be investigated.