Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

My third post here, OP, and then I'll shut up.
Life experience.
Don't do it, it's an atrocious request from your husband regarding the situation.
All he can see is himself.
Presumably, you will have a three yo and a baby.
Crazy to facilitate his stupid behaviour.

Ex-Pat here. A few questions:

-You said you won’t be selling the house and could potentially pay off a chunk of mortgage afterward?
-Would the plan be to come back after a year?

I may be misunderstanding - but it sounds to me that if this overlaps perfectly with your maternity leave, then you wouldn’t need to quit your job?

You could go for a year, makes loads of money, experience American life while your kids aren’t school age, then come back richer to the job, house and village you love? And back in time for your eldest to start school (or transfer into reception a wee bit late).

Is this right?

EDIT TO ADD: and if he seems like he’s enjoying it too much start making a big fuss about all the bad things while pretending you’re not biased 😂Like ‘oh the AC has broken’ (switch it off) and it’s 40 Celsius!’ and ‘gosh there was a really cool snake in the garden playing with DC but turns out it’s venomous!’

None of that sounds like something I would want to do @Nunu90. Especially as your husband sounds like he's letting his imagination run away with him before he's even got any information.

I wouldn't want to do it even if the promise was "we'll come back after a year" because if he doesn't want to, I believe it's pretty difficult to take children out of the country.

Not a chance would I move to the US, access to guns is more than enough reason to say no.
He can go if he is tha keen, pay for a 1 bed apartment and send money back to you if that's his motivation, he would save more than way.
I wouldn't trust him to be faithful though and you'd feel resentful raising the children alone here.

You need to know the details of the full package. And that would include costs like taking the dog (my previous employer included that in relocation). If package is good enough, I would put a time limit on it and go. Fair compromise surely - otherwise you are both going to be resentful in different ways.
Of course if his current attitude is indicative of other issues (selfish attitude to your relationship for example), then you may have bigger issues than a discussion about moving to America..

I'm sorry, there is lots of false information on this thread, as always happens when someone is consider relocating to America. We moved to the US (New England) for different reasons 6 years ago. Pregnant women are NOT being turned away from emergency rooms. The housing crisis is nothing like as severe as it is in the UK. And my kids have far fewer ALICE drills here than they did in their private school in the UK. I don't think this hyperbole helps.

However, it seems clear that you don't want to move, and how can you possibly even think about it without all of the information needed? PPs are correct - what health insurance does your husband's company offer? Dental? Optician? Relocation costs (it costs north of 10k to move a household of furniture, and then you've got to do it back again)? Visa for you to work? Holiday allowance? Flights home?

And his theory of saving money has holes in it - rent is VERY high in the US and cost of living is way way more expensive than the UK - groceries are easily double the price even in the cheaper supermarkets, and eating out is insane - we went out for a fairly average meal this week and it cost $400 for 4 with only one bottle of wine. Plus $40 parking. Bills are way higher. Days out are much dearer. Are you planning on buying a house? Mortgage rates are high. You'll need your company to sponsor you as you won't have good enough credit to purchase on your own.

We love living here. I find quality of life here so much better, but we came here with our eyes open and after years of hard decision making. You need to know all of the facts. But, as I said, from your OP it sounds very much like you don't want to go, and he is being selfish forcing you to decide without knowing more about it. You need to go out there and see what it even looks like before giving a provisional yes!

And it's Texas. Wild horses wouldn't drag me there...

@IsitanIssue - thanks for your reply. Unfortunately, no. He has said it would be about three years. But I foresee even that timeframe being moved around. We spoke about it again at the weekend, and I said that I wanted to be clear that if I did go, it would be on the basis that we are leaving and not staying. He then said he'd have the potential for a large promotion here in the UK after he's done some time in the U.S., pending a certain other colleague retiring. I said I do not want to live my life on the basis of someone else retiring so I can go home. His response was that sometimes we have to revolve our lives around our jobs...

If this was a temporary posting for a year, I would probably just bite the bullet and go. But there's a lot I am feeling uneasy about.

Our jobs… @Nunu90 but only his job right?

You need to do a very detailed costing as it may not actually be cheaper e.g. cost up a weekly shop in a local supermarket. Cost up the excesses on your health insurance. A colleague of mine in the US, where they have amazing healthcare benefits, had to pay thousands out of pocket treating a cut for her kid!
Also, would coming back to the UK mean a demotion? What opportunities will he have to come back? If he's going to a HQ there will just be more and more opportunities and coming back will feel like going backwards. Really think about the likelihood of him coming back. What if he refuses in a couple of years?
Americans work differently. Even if he asks for the same leave, he'll be immersed in the working all the time culture. All my US colleagues work on vacation (even the Europeans who have moved over there!).
Finally, I would never send my kid to school in the US. The gun drills are so traumatising. I've had a colleague's house be swatted, they think as a revenge event for one of their teens. I've had colleagues signing off early as there's been a reported shooting at their kids school and they need to leave.
I would have had so many opportunities to move to the US with work. I'd be much more senior if I did. It never even crossed my mind to consider it.

I'd be cautious. Some friends did this (not Texas though) and despite the enticing wage, factoring in that the wife wasn't permitted to work, they had to pay for health cover x 4 people and rental costs in a decent area were astronomical they ended up being worse off financially.
Work ethic was very different too with longer working days expected/no sick pay and fewer days annual leave/bank holidays.
It sounds like even if the package took care of all of the above, you really don't want it and I don't think I would either! Not Texas anyway.

Why atrocious, crazy, stupid and selfish?

@TheCatterall that was my response, too. He earns substantially more than me, and I think in that sense he does belittle my job because he supports the family financially more than I do. It is a real issue we have.

Outrageous of him to suggest sending you on a plane home if you needed an abortion. That, combined with being happy to have open-carry guns in the library and supermarket with his kids, really gives the lie to him wanting this as an opportunity for his family.

If it was Canada, or Slovenia, or one of many other broadly sane countries, I’d be encouraging you out of your bubble to give it a go. Not the US, and definitely not Texas.

Oh dear. 3 years is far too long if you’re not interested in the idea. And Texas is great (the food is arguably best in the country), but I personally wouldn’t want to live there either.

It’s very tough to be at an impasse as it’s seems either way one of you will resent the other. The only answer seems to be a compromise where somehow both of you get a little bit of what you want?

I actually wouldn't have ruled it out at the stage of life that you are at, but I would also be deeply unimpressed at your DH not even ascertaining what the package would be. How can he expect you to make a decision as a family without knowing the basics?

I work in a field that has lots of trailing spouses, of both sexes, and lots of people who won’t or can’t take up posts overseas because of a partner who has their own life!

Where interests/wants are in conflict, the status quo has to win out, i.e. if the partner wants to stay, the couple/family stays.

I wouldn't even consider it unless I saw the relocation package on offer upfront. That is a vital bit of information and worrying he has not asked for this yet.

Without details of the package he's crazy to even contemplate it with a family as the terms of employment are key to the workability

The US is better for remuneration but costs can be much higher and often hidden.
Don't underestimate the costs of food, tipping, services (internet, mobile etc) are usually more expensive - hidden costs because taxes are often not displayed in price
Housing is often similar (city to city, rural is different)
Fuel, travel & energy cheaper
Health costs - hopefully covered by company insurance but v. Important to check fine print
Education - quite different, not required to start until they are 6, depending on location there may be more incentive to want to go private, education is not standard across the US, there is no national curriculum, it's set at a local level. Current thinking on sex education & gun laws is for me as a Brit, worrying and I don't think it's going to get more sensible in the future.

We have just spent a 'holiday of a lifetime' road tripping & meeting up with family in California (much closer to U.K. society views than most states) and it was great to visit but really wouldn't want to stay long term. It also was a very expensive trip when we totted it up on our return mainly because of extra costs (taxes, tipping etc) that were less easy to foresee. Our relatives who live in Tennessee also mentioned how much Church is a key part of life in most states, in a way that is alien to most U.K. residents.

We've discussed relocation and DH would get much much much better salary & mine would be a bit better (both of us have relocatable jobs with sought after skills) however looking at it as a whole the US is not attractive especially 'republican' states where the politics will have an effect on how you live. Remember they say democrats are more equivalent to Tory right wing politics in the U.K. and the Republicans are more right wing than that. This doesn't bother many people however it will make a difference to how you live your life.
Even if you don't think of yourself as a liberal, you will feel it compared to most in the US. It's a very similar society in a few obvious ways but very very different in so many other ways.

And that's before you get to climate, food (the amount of sugar even bothered the kids - can be avoided but takes effort)
Package especially health insurance are key

@Nunu90 He is being daft if he hasn’t asked for full package info up front and for example your health cover going forward. He should be asking all that regardless of you asking. Doesn’t matter what his boss says. Employee protection there is poor compared to here. Has he a guarantee that he will have a UK job if the US budget gets slashed while he is out there and so on? I’d be googling UK expats in the US and so on.

I have moved countries for work previously. I was a very long way from home and had a great time. However my partner and I both wanted to go and that is essential. It's a fun adventure but gets lonely , especially a few months in when (at best) you only have superficial friendships and the novelty has worn off. I would not go again unless both myself and my partner were keen. I think resentment would build very quickly otherwise.

Can you both go for a visit?

I would be gone, what an opportunity

First of all, Houston is a massive shitehole and a horrible place to live vs where you are now. You will surely hate it. Secondly, flying with a large elderly dog? You will put him through absolute hell. It is actually very cruel to do to him. Obviously rehoming him at that age is also very cruel. Your husband is being completely selfish and just thinking about himself and his precious career opportunities.

I’ve lived abroad and loved it, and DH is from Texas, we spend lots of time there and I like a lot about it.

Do not do it.

This is a huge change, living abroad is hard, having a newborn is hard, if you don’t really really want it then you are going to be utterly miserable.

Texas is great in many ways. But in many ways it’s not. Don’t underestimate the heat - I laughed at the “year round summer weather” post further up, it’s not like that, you spend much of the year hiding from the heat. My in laws’ road was closed last summer because it melted.

“You can always come home” - well, no, you can’t. If you want to come home, and he refuses to give permission for the kids to leave, you’ll be stuck. If you bring them back to the UK he can go to court and a UK court will order that they be returned. Obviously that’s not something that will affect everyone, but he’s demonstrated that his priorities are all he is willing to consider.

It’s going to be difficult to reason him out of this, because he just doesn’t care. If he actually cared, he would have found out about the package (it is 100% standard to have a package on the table with a job offer, it is madness to consider accepting without that detail), and actually found out what the financial situation would be. He doesn’t care about that, he cares about his ego.

How can he be so certain it is a great opportunity without knowing the details of the package? And being asked to accept without these details is not good company behaviour.

Let him go for a year and find out the cost of living and health insurance costs and see if he actually saves any money.

It really sounds like you don't want to go, regardless of the package. That is entirely valid and I would feel the same, it would be a no.

...and no you don't have to revolve your lives around your jobs, that is a very patriarchal and outdated concept that is detrimental to family life.