Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

Unless he knows exactly what kind of visa he will be on, how does he know that you will be able to work? He's so excited by the possibility of his new job in Texas his head has been turned. He needs and they should be able to give him without question all the info needed to make a proper decision. A hypothetical yes will be used against you as you changing your mind when the actual facts come to light. There will be no saving money unless he's on a decent expat package. Does he have any idea how much international removals are, accountants for tax assessments in two countries, transporting the dog, health insurance, flights home, has he even costed the comparative costs of groceries, bills, two cars and upkeep, rent, especially given you have no credit history in the US? If he doesn't know who will pay for what he needs to find out.

He also keeps emphasising that he truly feels like this will be a huge opportunity for our family, in terms of 'life experience' and saving money for when we return home.

But has absolutely no idea what the package is that's on offer.

In your shoes it would be a firm No from me. He can go back to his boss and get the firm terms of a financial package and other terms and conditions [healthcare; private schooling paid; housing costs; etc] plus if he loses his job how long will he be give to leave the USA? It's 30 days under lots of visas.
It's also indefinite so no visa for you to work and no prospect of one unless his company sponsors you for a job with them too.
It also gives him a get out of jail free card if the package is rubbish. His wife is saying no, not him so he can still look like a "company man"

You're due to take mat leave and I presume that's 12 month or so? I'd wave him off on a secondment with a week WFH in the UK every 4 weeks if he's that keen but there's no way on earth I'd be moving to Texas, it's up there with the Middle East in my estimation. I'm sure there are lovely parts and lots of very nice people but nothing about the climate and the culture appeals at all and you will have two small children and be entirely reliant on your husband.

He can go then if it's temporary. Your children don't 'need' exposure to that life. I'd be drawing my line in the sand.

We've moved abroad for my husbands job, and the only reason we even considered it was because his employer pays for private school for our child, give us a generous amount of flights to use over the year, pay for our accommodation and utility bills and provide allowances for increase of the cost of living depending on where we are based. So for us it made financial sense to move for work. I would never have done it if I didn't have all the details on what exactly we would gain by giving up everything we had as a family in the UK. It was still a hard decision though, but the benefits of living in amazing countries and our child having private schooling paid for made it worthwhile. You definitely need to dig down into what the company offers you all. America is expensive, Houston itself is enormous, and I wouldn't feel comfortable sending my child to a school in the USA where guns are easy to get hold of and school shootings happen regularly. And like PP's have stated, a Trump presidency would terrify me and the fact that Texas is a state with lots of issues around women's right to choose makes it hard to recommend living there.

I don't think there is anything worse than being isolated with a newborn. This would be my biggest struggle unless you aren't close to your parents and won't be getting any support from them anyway?

Different opinion here, Trump presidency wouldn't matter.
However, I'd be furious, unhappy and panicking.
For myself - I'd be ending pregnancy, letting him go to fuck and staying put.
I wouldn't be ready to inconvenience myself like that for anyone else. Obviously likely much older than the brave OP.
What a mess.
😕

No.Way.In.Hell. would I be sending my kids to school in the US. Even if they don’t have a school shooting, tiny kids are traumatised by having to practice for one.

No.Way.In.Hell. would I live in a state/country that wouldn’t allow me an abortion.

I’m holding off making plans to even visit the US for work and leisure until after the election.

In the US pregnant women are being turned away from emergency rooms, even in states where abortion is legal, because doctors are terrified of ending up with life sentences if they help these women.

Trump or no, you couldn't pay me enough to even set foot in the US as a tourist right now and maybe never again.

As for the rest, they have a housing crisis too, due to the visa situation you are completely dependend on your employer/spouse, access to medical care is even worse than in the UK, the food sucks, there is hardly any decent public transportation so you rely solely on cars, etc, etc. It's not an improvement.

That's not "creating issues" is being realistic.

I'm an American who has lived in the UK 20+ years.
The things I would worry about:

Salaries are generally much higher in the US, but cost of living is also much higher. Your dh might see what he would earn and think that you could save so much as a nest egg, but that is very unlikely.

The weather in Texas is something else. I have family there and it is so hot and humid for a huge part of the year. Don't under estimate this.

Lastly, what will happen if you go and hate it? What if you separate from your dh? Would you be allowed to take the dc back to the UK against his wishes and from where they would now be residents? Would you be able to stay in the US to be with your dc if you divorced and he refused permission for them to return to the UK? Worst case scenario, you divorce, dc aren't allowed to return and you aren't allowed to stay.

That's nuts that he hasn't asked what the package is. Anyway, it sounds like you have supported his career and have now settled somewhere you value and are getting your own career back on track. I can't see any benefits to you to move. Your and your children's needs are important too.

If it were me and I felt the way you do (and I know that I would - especially to go somewhere like Texas), I ultimately wouldn't go. I know your husband might resent you if you decide to stay which is hard, but equally if you went and were unhappy you'd resent him too. If the relationship were to break down while you were away it would be disastrous. At the very least he needs to confirm what the full package is (and not coerce you into a tentative yes in exchange for this knowledge) so you can make a fully informed decision. I can't believe they haven't outlined this in their offer to him given what a huge upheaval to your family this would be.

Personally I’d go if the package was generous enough, I think high earners in the UK are in for a rough few years whilst Labour attempts to reformat broken public services. One thing I would double check: usually a spouse doesn’t get a visa to work, so this means they cannot legally find work. I would definitely double check this detail, unless your DH’s package is so generous that you would not need to work, even this may be a bad idea for you, since you would essentially step off the career ladder? Tough choices OP, wishing you the best with it all. P.S can’t the dog be vaccinated and taken with you?

America is an expensive country to live in, even with good heath care cover you'd still have out of pocket heath care expenses, which could be worrying with two small children. It's easy to take for granted things that are relatively cheap here that are expensive in America; cars, groceries, prescriptions, mobile phone plans, broadband, cable TV, the list goes on and on! A friend of mine is just back from a prolonged spell in the US for work, and she said she was shocked at some of the prices. To be honest, I wouldn't want to be that far from home and my support network with two small children, but definitely not in a state that has a draconian abortion ban, had the second most mass shootings in America last year, and is even listed in the 15 unhappiest American states! I think your DH is either being a naive or selfish about this.

So, you hate the thought of moving to Texas, you’d have to uproot your son right at the start of his schooling, you’d have to leave your old dog, your job, your family and friends and your home… for what? Dunno, because your husband can’t even be bothered to get the right information! There’s not a chance I’d be entertaining this idea, don’t feel guilty for saying no. He could go, if he so wished, but if I were you, I’d definitely be reconsidering my marriage.

Is there a way to keep your current house and rent it out for a couple of years?

I would personally see this as an adventure, you only get one life, and you can return in a couple of years. If you can return return a nest egg, it could really set you up well for the future.
Americans are very friendly and I’m sure you would meet other new Mums in baby classes.
Finally, I would even consider giving birth there if it would give my child US citizenship (I don’t know what their rules are), but being able to work in the States is something much sought-after as their salaries are triple ours and taxes much lower.

The UK will be still be here in 2 years and you can then pick up where you left off.

I would consider it if you knew for sure you could work (I don't know much about spouse visas), if you were going after giving birth (as you say you would be) and if you were definitely not intending to have any more children while there.
I would be put off by a lot of things about Texas (laws and the climate would not be for me) but I would rather go at your stage of life (small kids) and come back in 2-3 years, then attempt to go later on.
Have you both visited Houston before? If so, what time of year?

OP, have you ever been to the states before? (By this I mean anywhere other than disneyland). If you haven't been / have not seen much of it, I would recommend that you both take up this opportunity. Better to say you tried than say 'what if' later. Often we regret things we don't do. You may absolutely love it! You will be a legal alien out there, you won't be a citizen. Your youngest child if born out there will have dual citizenship (and may truly thank you for that fantastic opportunity one day!) America is full of opportunity. Your accommodation would no doubt be amazing, so much room and possibly a pool or access to one! You'll have guaranteed summer weather, you'll most likely have more disposable income than here. You would be on a healthcare scheme through your husbands business, you will make friends there especially with young children. People will be interested in you. You'll have so much opportunity to travel out there. However of course there will be downsides, eg. you will leave people and comforts behind. However travel has never been easier, maybe you negotiate into the deal that you can come back once a quarter to visit friends/family etc.
Your kids are at any age where they will easily adapt. It doesn't matter where they are as long as you and their dad are there.
You being on mat leave will give you great opportunity to really get used to your new environment and meet new people through the baby groups etc. A gated community is likely to be welcoming and no doubt your husbands business will do all they can to help you all settle in. I think you and your partner need to talk about how long this is for, is he on an L or H visa or is the intent to become permanent as soon as is feasible, as these are different conversations (and maybe it may not be possible to know at this stage) but I'd strongly recommend go go for it!! It will take time to become truly permanent anyway, so you'll have plenty of time to determine if you want to b permanent or if you want to see out the time on the visa (though american firms are brutal, not the same employment law as here. They can fire you on the spot there!) Your kids will love it out there!!! Your husband may tire of working in the american culture or he may love it. You may grow to love life out there if you aren't instantly grabbed by the lure of it! Look at some of the possible accommodation places you may be at! I also think there is possibility for resentment later down the line if you don't go. I think you should at least try! I think it could be amazing! I do understand your concerns though and how it can seem very daunting. I think you should ask to go out there to visit. If you haven't been to the states much, it will be so much harder to make a decision and you won't really know what you're going to or turning down. But my opinion is try it. You can always come back if it doesn't work out. Therefore rent your house out (do not sell it!) Just do your homework and research the conditions of this move, without instantly dismissing it. Don't close a door if you don't truly know what is behind it! Best of luck!

@Summerishere123 , I'm not super close with my parents, but close enough that we enjoy visiting them. They're not 'hands on' with DS, but I am very close to my sister who is only 30 minutes away. My best friends are also within 30 mins of us.

@HelterSkelter224 , I completely agree. I said the same thing, that I shouldn't feel like I have to say 'yes' to be able to get the information to make an informed decision. He said he didn't want to waste their time by asking for certain conditions if we'd say 'no' anyway. I disagree, I think at the very least we should have all the information. He's seen a big pay package, but knows nothing about workers' rights in the US, the amount of leave, flights package, relocation package, etc.

@laddersandsnakes12 I agree. I've mentioned how easy it is to get guns in states such as Texas after doing my own research. He's only going by what his colleagues who live there say - of course, they don't have an agenda at all!

Regarding the women's healthcare rights issues at the moment, I've also raised these. He seems to think it is perfectly acceptable to fly back to the UK to get help if I ever needed ... which I think is utterly delusional and also selfish.

I've also been told I'm selfish and not looking at the bigger picture by raising my concerns. But it is good to know that this isn't me being narrow minded. I would be much more open minded if this relocation was in another country that wasn't so problematic in terms of its politics and culture. I don't mean that offensively to anyone current in the U.S.

What hurts me more is that he was well aware from the start of all his business trips to the states that I had absolutely no desire or interest in moving there. It somehow feels like he doesn't know me at all now.

Houston is a really great to be an expat in. Big expat populations. So so much to do with small children. The Center of it is modernised / updated beyond recognition in the last few years.

there’s a great food culture, life is easy to navigate with small children because places are often more set up to be family friendly. If you’re moving to a nice neighbourhood I suspect you’ll find the absolute best of America from your neighbours - they’re really really good at welcoming new comers - much more naturally open + friendly to new people than brits. There will be plenty of people who will go out of their way to help you settle in.

I’d go and get set up before sending your dog so you’re collecting him and taking him to a home.

I spent ten years in Texas - came back here when school was about to get more serious for my older ones. Like you I was pretty apprehensive about going - but I loved it. I love it. I’m glad to be home for this season but it was a wrench to leave. DO ITTTTTTTTT

He really is not thinking this through if he is concentrating on his annual leave and a healthcare package for the whole family was not the very first thing he asked about.

Housing is expensive in Houston and people act like prisoners in these gated communities, only leaving in the car.

https://www.texasaft.org/policy/privatization/vouchers/our-kids-cant-wait-texas-ranks-43rd-in-child-well-being/

If it's a happy marriage I would go with a view to returning for early primary school years. I'd see it as a short term adventure that you might really enjoy.

You specifically need to find out if and how the health insurance will cover your existing pregnancy, because that could be really expensive.

What a difficult position to be in @Nunu90 I really feel for you 😢 I hope you can both find some kind of compromise that works for the whole family x

My dog is a similar age, and there's no chance I'd risk him flying to America.

How much more money would he be earning? It sounds quite likely you'd be unable to get a job for a while due to having a young child and the structure of childcare over there, and I feel like you would be very isolated.

I wouldn't want to move to Texas, but can see why he's excited about the opportunity. It seems unfair to uproot you from your forever home, especially at this point in your lives.

Don't forget the insane cost of hospitals/medical treatment over there if there were any issues with your newborn too.

Honestly I think for such a big decision if it's not a 'yes' from both people, it should be accepted as a 'no'.

We were in this position 5 years ago and went for it. We came back after 18 months as it just wasn’t for us. For me the fear of the kids going to school never got easier. Guns are everywhere. The kids will do gun drills at school.
The weather is crazy hot, so if you don’t like the heat really think about how that will affect your life.
we found living costs expensive so the bigger salary may not be that much better in real terms. Rent for our 4 bed house was $3300 a month but I saw that it’s gone up a lot since we were there so $5000 is more realistic. Shopping $3-400 a week. Be aware some companies change the expat packages during the assignments. I know a family who rented a house and then the housing allowance was reduced significantly and the wife had to find a job asap to afford to live.
If your husband does see this as long term he may go to local payroll. We know a few folk that have done this and they are way worse off than when they were expats.
There is a huge expat community so you’ll make friends easily if you make the effort to join groups and through the international schools. Lots of social
things to go to so they side of it was good. But also lots of movement as people move on to new expat assignments.
Budget for flights if you want to travel back and forth to see family. We definitely didn’t research this enough and couldn’t afford to travel as much as we had planned.
Hope that’s not too negative, just really look at the big picture not just salary and his career. Think of how this effects your job and pension etc