Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

I think you are naive to think that many people, especially the trailing wives, dont regret moving abroad.

Yes it can be amazing. It can also be hard work.
Ive experienced both and I wanted to go in the first place.
When you don’t and are following ‘because otherwise my marriage will implode’…. that’s a very different story.

OP, you've done the compromising when you've moved around twice already for his job. Making this sort of move with kids and away from your support system isn't something he should be able to shove down your throat and get you to find a compromise on - no matter the money involved. It only works if there is something genuinely in it for you i.e. you saw it as an exciting adventure. I am pretty adventurous but even when younger and without kids I was offered roles overseas I always took the view that I get too much of my mental health and wellbeing from my relationships of 20-30 years that are based here and it wasn't worth it. To be having a small baby without that network would be awful (especially as US work/life balance is worse so I think your husband would be around much less).

Also, the difference in cash is not enough for a couple of years to move the needle on your lives ($400k is £300k vs your current £160k which sounds like a lot, but then tax the difference and assume you have a whole load of extra costs/your reduced or lost earning power longer-term, the costs of coming back if the company doesn't bring him back, lost earnings when you both need to find a role back here, etc and you aren't going to have that much left over from a couple of years).

There are services that will escort your dog on the flight - they are probably very expensive but it can be done.

He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood.

In the UK, it's quite possible to feel 'safe' without living in a gated neighbourhood.

I think its reasonable to be concerned about moving to a country where the biggest killer of under 18s is gun crime and children have to know active shooter drills

It is a good time to move re the age of your DS, he is not in British school system yet. Can you not move before your baby is born? That way he/she will get US citizenship and you can spend maternity leave in the US and see if you like it.

P.S. I found the life in the US way more expensive than in London. But I am judging based on living in New York and Miami. Houston maybe different but not guaranteed it would pocket friendly.

P.P.S. I have yet to meet a person who disliked the US and regretted moving.

This happened to me in very similar circumstances. 2 small children and I did not want to move. DH adamant we should for the money etc I wanted quality of life which for me was what I had. It was awful a lot of stress and arguments.
In the end I decided that as I knew I didn’t want to go and he did that he should go alone. We didn’t separate or anything he continued to pay bills in the U.K. for his family and I let him get on with it.

DH came back for holidays and we went there but I was basically a single Mum with the added bonus of his contribution to the bills. It was by no means easy but easier than divorce. I did adapt to it as did the DC. We are still married and he’s back home now. There is no easy answer but the company he worked for and was loyal too after 8 years made him redundant. I was so relieved to have stayed here with my life and not stuck abroad. Also the dog is a very big part of the decision it was for me as well.

I agree he can't possibly expect you to make a decision when he doesn't even have all the facts at hand. He is being very naive & cruel trying to coerce you into making a huge decision, especially as you are pregnant & do not need the added stress. I really feel for you I really do. Please let us all know what you eventually decide. Good luck x

She doesn't want US citizenship though. And New York is very different from Texas.

I think you're stuffed if you go and stuffed if you stay, so work out where you will get the most support and how you will manage. Sounds like you'd be alone with DC in the US, so I think if I was you, I'd stay in the UK.

He can go or stay but you need a network, not to struggle along, by the sounds of it.

I mean both of them not just her. They need to work something out. But after reading the other post op made I honestly don’t think she can make a decision without all the facts laid bare and they certainly don’t seem to be!

I wouldn't emigrate and islolate myself with a sulker. Especially one who would make such a huge decision without scrutinising the finer details.

You don't want to go. Nothing you have said has indicated even the remotest desire to go. So don't go.

As pps have said - it's up to him whether her goes or not or what that means.

POV from a Brit with many family members in Texas, specifically Houston:
The cost of living is tiny compared to here. I own a 2-bed flat in London and paid more than a family member who lives in Houston in a gated community in a 4-bed, 2-bath bungalow.

Americans are completely desensitised to gun crime in a way we’re just not over here. What’s comfortable to them is terrifying to us. I have 2 family members who work in schools (different states), who’ve both had lockdown situations at their schools because of a nearby school shooting.

Somehow, neither of them worry about shootings on a daily basis and feel it would never happen to them. I think you have to adopt that mindset to live comfortably there.

FYI, the governor of Texas has publicly stated he wants them to be the most gun-friendly state in America, so you really need to be comfortable with guns in that particular state. It’s likely your son will be invited for play dates at houses with guns.

There will be different cultures in different parts of Texas, though, as it’s a huge state (the biggest). E.g. Austin seems much more progressive than Houston.

Can you drive and will you be able to afford 2 cars as soon as you move? You need to as virtually nothing is within walking distance in Texas.

All that said, the glorious Texas weather makes up for a lot. It’s 30 degrees there today.

OP, imagine you got a job in… Papua New Guinea. And there’s this mad law there that if a man (just the men) get sick from some easily treatable disease, then they let the man (again, only the men) die, because that’s the law there, would you move there? And if your DH protested, because of that mad law, would you think him unreasonable?

Because that is exactly your situation. Especially with your history of miscarriages. You would be mad to go and he is disgusting for even suggesting it.

Wildfires and tornadoes aren’t common in Texas. My family all live there and have only dealt with 1 hurricane in the last 40 years. Flooding is also very rare unless there’s a hurricane.

Wildfires are far more common in California and tornadoes tend to be in Florida.

All that said, the glorious Texas weather makes up for a lot. It’s 30 degrees there today.

@Magiconthemike It depends what you consider glorious. I hate hot weather ( I’m on the East Coast :-).

This is so much more about how he’s handled this than it is about the possibility of the move.

We moved overseas when my son was 6 weeks old and daughter was 7. We had planned to go for two years and have been away for 20. We have moved countries five times and we did it all as a team and still are.
Kids are now grown up and finished uni and working.
we always said that if it didn’t work out we would come back. But we never looked up and yes we are now financially very sound because of my husband’s career and we have retired early and are enjoying every minute of it.
once you get settled in the US and the family is ready for it, you can get sponsored for a visa to work.
it does not have to be permanent. If it doesn’t work out, you can come home.

I'd say no. You would be losing so much and he doesn't seem to care. He is only thinkong of himself, not his family and responsibilities now, why does anyone think he is suddenly going to turn into husband of the year aboard, where op has no support system, no job and no one to help if things go wrong?

I'm with @MrsAga as well OP

You CLEARLY don't want to go. You just need to stop feeling guilty about that fact. You. Don't. Want. To. Go. End of. And that is a COMPLETELY reasonable position.

Your stress is not because you don't know what you want to do - you do. Your stress is because your want conflicts entirely with your DH wants. And on that basis, I think you need to reframe what you are actually debating. You are not really weighing up the pros and cons of going, because you are past that, I think. You are weighing up the possibly impact on you marriage and family if you stick by your guns and don't go.

So @MrsAga suggestion is the only one that really makes any sense.

You need to be clear to DH. I don't want to go. The thought of it makes me feel panicky and sick and these are the reasons why I don't want to go (insert list here!)

Equally, I don't want to spoil an opportunity for you WHICH IS WHY I HAVE ALREADY MOVED MULTIPLE TIMES, and although me relocating to Texas is off the table right now, I very much mean that it's okay for you to go. We would have to agree some conditions/visit parameters/time frames etc, but if we can do that they you should go, In return, once new baby is one, I promise to revisit the possibility of relocating to join you if you are settled.

And then it is up to your DH

When you say "find a new job", does he mean when you get back or over there? Because there's no way you will be allowed to work as an accompanying spouse if he's on some temporary arrangement. Unless things have changed since I was in exactly your position a long time ago. Except I got preg shortly after we got there (whole other story). I did want to go, I wanted an adventure, I didn't have a great job here and I'd always wanted to see America. Our 3 year old settled fine in a childcare setting, and you can do facetime with home friends now, which we couldn't. One difference was that we were with several other British families so we weren't flying solo, even though they weren't people I would normally choose as friends. SAHM were rare when we went, and will be rarer now, I bet, so it was really hard to make American friends. But Texas might be more accommodating than Ohio! And we knew it couldnt be for more than two years, so perhaps that's different. Can you think to 20 years ahead and think "would I regret it if we didn't go?" In short, I am really glad I went, but I was really happy to come home.

@RichmondReader thank you so much. I think that advice is sound too. However, I think I’ll need to be cautious about dangling a carrot with regards to considering moving again later down the line.

You’re completely right, it is that I don’t want to go and have no idea how this is all going to work out.

Texas ranks among states most impacted by natural disasters. Today there are 96 acres burning. If I were OP I’d just google it. By June Texas had 124 tornados this year. Florida had 55 by end of August. Wildfires are awful and definitely something to take into consideration. My father and stepsister lost their homes to wildfires in another state.

Why? What's Texas got going for it?

30c? Thats horrible