Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

Its evident that you hrtft

"Bleached meat full of chemicals, sugar pumped into every possible food, colouring and additives unregulated."

You don't have to eat like that, you know, especially not in a big city like Houston.

Texas is a great place. We have family there and we have visited. It's hot all year round and homes are built accordingly. You have to drive as public transport is there but it is frowned upon. I've seen both sides of living. You get more land for your money. We've visited Houston and houses are built in wonderful communities where people can mix like we do here. There are more family activities to do and children are welcome everywhere. My cousin's children have done very well at school and honestly if my children were as young as yours I would jump at the chance.

Have you checked the weather patterns and temperatures? Texas is a hot state. It’s also a red (Trump) state where about half of adults own guns. The gun violence has surged in recent years. They experience floods, wildfires, hurricanes, tornadoes and extreme heat. I would not choose to live there. That said the people are friendly and open, and the Tex Mex is nice.

I am an American living in the UK.i would seriously look at this critically. Healthcare is a HUGE cost. What if your baby is born with a health issue? That would be a "pre-existing condition" and not covered by insurance. You have to cough up whatever the excess is (or deductible in American English) on the policy before the insurance company steps up. You must pay a "co-pay" for each medical visit, racking it up against the deductible. I know of people who went to the US for "better" jobs, only to return to the UK simply because the cost of health insurance made it untenable. Look very carefully at the cost and coverage of any healthcare offered, because it is common for insurance companies to weasel out of paying, and the last thing you need is fighting with an insurance company while ill.

US holiday time is utter crap, the standard being 2 weeks a year, and sick days often come out of that, as sick pay is rarely a thing.

Will he get any paternity leave from the company? Because while there, probably not.

Texas.... You couldn't pay me to live there. Especially with the Draconian laws on reproductive healthcare.

You are right to question the benefit of moving there, and I would only do it if the benefits stack up and it is for a limited time.

This sounds like an incredible opportunity for your husband and for you and your family. Speaking as someone British who worked for US companies for 30 years, I know that the opportunities in the US are far better than here or Europe. Your children will get an amazing education and opportunities that are just not going to be available to them in the U.K. I’m afraid that is even more apparent as the U.K. keeps sinking further down the economic charts.
I have plenty of happy colleagues in Texas and many moved post 2020 from LA to Texas because the standard of living is so much better. Travel opportunities to beautiful parts of the US and Central / South America are also easy.
If possible, get them to delay the process so you can give birth but please don’t throw away what will be a live changing opportunity that I promise you will regret in 5 years time. If I could have moved my family to the US with my employer, I would have jumped at it because I know my children will benefit from the opportunities there, but I was always too important in U.K. /EU so I never had that chance. I still hope it may come in future because I know how many doors it will open for my kids in jobs and further education among everything else.
Good luck!

See this second post puts a different perspective on it for me.
I wouldn’t be leaving my dog behind either. also the terms and conditions should have been presented with the offer surely? How can you make a balanced decision with out all the facts laid out before you? This sound a bit of a red flag for me!
At least moving with the army we knew what we would be getting up front.

Pregnant woman moving to Texas? Yeah I’d say fuck no

Incredibly important to look into all the detail very carefully. I have two children in the US - one in Brooklyn, one in LA, both doing very well but God forbid if you're ill - no free medicine. I certainly wouldn't go there without having a good look - at the employer's expense. Texans are nice people, but it has a very Trump attitude to things like pregnancy etc. Having said all that the money can be excellent. In my long finished prime I got paid American rates which were colossal.

If he's such a high flyer professionally, isn't it likely he would get a similar offer again if the time isn't right now? It can't be unusual for family considerations to make a move non-viable for the time being. Not that I'm saying you'll ever want to do it @Nunu90, or ever should (personally I would not enter Texas while I was of childbearing age) but it seems melodramatic, to say the least, that he's treating this as a now-or-never opportunity. Is there something else going on in his head, and if you can figure out what it is I wonder if that might lower the stakes from his perspective and break the deadlock between you.

Go! I didn't and I really regret it. An expat package can be amazing. Your kids are young and you can do it now but later it will be too late even if it is offered again. I doubt very much you will regret moving after the initial getting used to it. Unlikely to be forever. You could come back in time for your kids to do senior school in the UK.

I don’t know how anyone with children could willingly move them to the US with the very real possibility of a school shooting either

OP I'm guessing no one else wants that job for some reason so your husband is being given 'more time'?

I would have said go for it until you mentioned leaving your elderly dog ❤️‍🩹

When we moved here, I agreed to do so on the basis that this was our 'forever' home where we would raise a family.

Don’t let him pressure you to uproot again unless it’s an opportunity you are excited about. clearly this isn’t what you want. He sounds unbelievably selfish.

I would just keep shutting it down and reminding him of the above. This was supposed to be your forever home. No debate. No discussion. And certainly no trips over there to see what it’s like. All of that just puts more pressure on you to agree to what him and his boss want. The further you go into the process or let this drag on the more they’ll harp on about how ‘disappointed’ they are when you try and say a firm no.

Moving to another continent is something a partner should only consider if it's a joint family project. It's such a change in parameters compared to what was implicitly agreed at the start of your relationship.
As for the timing... him suggesting this while you're pregnant is just completely awful. And you're right about your career, moving would likely be the end of it. You're not unreasonable at all.

I did it for 2 years leading up to covid (I only came back because visas not being renewed when the world closed down)

timing wasn’t right for hubby or kiddo to move with me, so my deal was that every 12 weeks I either got to work 2 weeks from the U.K (my flights paid) or they paid for hubbys flight and we picked up kiddos for them to come to me. We worked it so all school holidays were in Texas and in between I was back in UK. hubbys job was very accommodating and he was able to work remotely while visiting TX, so long as he did UK hours.

actually worked out really well for us and we were planning the big move for the boys when covid hit and we cancelled everything. clearly different situation to yours as kiddo was a lot older.

OP - I have been exactly where you are. But a long long time ago. I’ve now lived in 5 countries and 22 houses.
But it all started with a 2 year contract in States and it kinda snowballed.
If I had to do it all again I would. But I actively enjoy change and challenges and living in different countries. ( I think you said you were a homebody- absolutely no shame in that. It’s the greatest gift in life to know who you are and I’m afraid a disproportionate number of compulsive movers are still searching for that).

Here are some things I’ve learned along the way -

1)You should be able to see all the details of your relocation package and salary beforehand. Medical cover. Schools. Housing. Home leave allowance. Visa details.

2)We have done moves that we have paid for BUT if DH has been headhunted absolutely every thing is paid for.
Once he even provisionally accepted a job and after a paid for visit to scout things out I was so appalled at the schooling situation that we pulled out.

3)once your children start in one schooling system it’s very disruptive to move them to another. Hence the network of British or American schools around the world.

4)generally people who really weren’t keen on moving cultures or countries in the first place don’t suddenly get happy. It takes a lot of effort to start a whole new social network.

5)google “third culture kids” - if you move during certain life stages children can become culturally homeless.

6)keep a base in the UK at all costs if you feel you belong here.

7)If you yourself have no work opportunities or work visa - the family unit becomes a team. All money is shared money. All decisions are shared decisions. Make provision for your pension and future earning potential.

8)There are no rules to what normal looks like. Maybe you are back in the UK for extended visits. Maybe your husband does some extreme commuting. Maybe he does the first and last 6
months solo.

I hope that hasn’t been too negative. Our children are adults and say they love the strange childhood they had.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Go with your gut and don’t get railroaded. Value your self worth - if you are unhappy it won’t work out anyway.

People who have joined this thread in the last few pages haven’t rtft and offered some solutions to OP’s serious problems like the elderly dog and not being able to take the kids back to the UK if she decides that living in the US is not for her. Also her h won’t discuss specifics so she doesn’t know if she can work etc

Reasons not to go outweigh reasons to go from what you’ve written:

• elderly dog
• you don’t want to go
• he has gaslit you about his attitude to this and other things.
• he sulked for 3 days about this
• he keeps making you feel guilty
• he rubs your nose in it re your own earning
• your support network is in the UK
• if you split while you’re there, you can’t come back with the children

I’d tell him you’re not standing in his way, but you and the children will not be going.

He seems to think it is perfectly acceptable to fly back to the UK to get help if I ever needed ... which I think is utterly delusional and also selfish.

It also assumes that you will be medically well-enough to endure a flight of double-digits hours duration, and this will not be the case if you are haemorrhaging or have a septic miscarriage. You could very easily end up in the same situation as Savita Halappanavar.

Show him https://www.nbcnews.com/health/womens-health/texas-abortion-ban-deaths-pregnant-women-sb8-analysis-rcna171631 and https://www.reddit.com/r/corpus/comments/1g0wi9u/thisistexas/ and if he still wants to go then divorce him because he thinks a job matters more than your life and health.

Let's be honest, he's not going to agree to stopping sex whilst you're out there, so you could get pregnant again at any time.

Would he still be an employee of the UK company ? Or would he be under a US contract ? As in would he be considered an expat or not ? What would happen if things didn’t go well in the job? It could make a huge difference imo.

Anyway I wouldn’t want to go either if I were you. Some EU countries why not for a few years ,kids learn a language etc. It’s near home and culturally close to the UK But not Texas,. And of course what about your career ? Your pension contributions etc ? Edited to say and of course your dog counts in all of this, he’s a member of your family.

See I don't think this is at all about what other people would do or have done. This is about the OP having valid for her reasons about not wanting to do this, and about her husband's behaviour in the face of her concerns plus his seeming inability to manage the practicalities of exploring the actual package that they would be offered. "We went and loved it" "Go, you might like it" "Houston is lovely" "Houston is awful" ....all irrelevant. I speak as someone who went to New Jersey because my husband took a secondment out there.