Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

@mumgodloveher thanks so much for the link, I'll take a look. Being honest, the issue of a potential break up and not being able to leave with my son is also bearing heavily on my mind and pulling me even further to a 'no'.

It's true, if you were to split, not only could you not bring your children back home without his permission, you would no longer have the right to stay in the US and could be deported without them. Please don't agree to go.

Your husband sounds incredibly selfish. It’s HIS career that’s important, HIS experiences that matter and not that you will feel isolated, have limited health care rights, will likely take a career hit and that you just don’t want to go.

I also don’t actually believe for a minute he’s been made an official job offer with out full details of the package involved. Very likely he’s feeding you a line about it being temporary and when you get there he’ll keep being vague and pushing out your return date.

As others have said, if you go and decide you don’t like it but he wants to stay, he can stop you from taking your children home. Tell him if he wants to go he can go. But from the other things you’ve said, I’d question if this marriage is really a partnership

We moved abroad (Europe) with small DCs for my job.

I second all the posts saying he absolutely MUST find out the package on offer. You cannot make any sort of decision without it.

It would make me nervous that he is pussyfooting around this. It doesn't sound like he has the confidence to push so will be pushed around.

He also needs to look closely at the 'return ticket'. What guarantees are there? Will the employer pay for the return?

Are there other former expats where he works now? What is their experience?

It is easy to have your head turned by the job offer for the way out. An awful lot of ex expats find themselves out on a limb on return. The expat experience isn't always has highly regarded as people claim.

There is an emergency visa for ex spouses if you divorce but stay to be with children. You won't be able to work, though and entirely reliant on his support. You'll also be paying for a lawyer and trying to get him to agree to let you bring kids home.

I know that's worst case scenario, but he isn't approaching this huge decision from a family perspective but a selfish one.

In the more immediate future, it's highly unlikely that your maternity care and birth would be covered by insurance if you move there now. Look into how much that will cost. You can't visit the UK and use healthcare, you need to be resident, so should you need something serious that's not covered by insurance you have to relocate again.

This. If he is this disorganised and naive, going with him would be scary but with kids - insanity.

I would absolutely not go to Texas with a history of miscarriages. Women have almost died after being refused treatment for ectopic and miscarriages, lawsuits have been filed.

OP can you both go to Houston for a week to see what you think of it? My husband was offered work there, we did a 2 week trip and decided it wasn't for us. There is very little culture there, it all feels a bit anonymous. everyone drives everywhere because it's so hot. It's very different to the UK ....you might like it but without going for a look it's impossible to say PLUS you need yr support network around you with young children

When I intiially said 'no', he didn't speak to me for three days.

So he’s definitely an emotional abuser then with the silent treatment tactic. DO NOT move for this man. Things will not get better with a man like this, they will only get worse.

Having lived all over the world with my husband's job the place I found the hardest was America. I found it hard to make friends - people seemed a bit superficial - said about getting together and then never really wanted to. I didn't have permission to work. The schooling was not great - kids were behind when we finally moved on. There were no half terms so they were tired by the time each holiday arrived. I missed culture and good restaurants. On the plus side the weather was nicer than the UK and we had a nice house and cars and saw a lot of the country. Shopping was good too!

No no no no no.

Do not agree to this.

Every instinct you have is correct here. You’d be placing your future into the hands of someone who’s already shown you extensively that he puts his own interests before yours and would bully and coerce you into doing what he wants to do. Once you’re out there, there would be no way you’d ever get a say in whether you stayed or not. If you were unhappy then you would be absolutely fucked.

An international relocation is a really hard thing to do. To be successful, at a MINIMUM it requires both partners to really want to do it, to feel they at least like (if not love!) the idea of the new location and feel really energised about starting afresh.

I would not want to relocate to the USA and absolutely not to Texas. So I’d say no and that would be that, as it just is not something you should do if you don’t want to - that’s absolute suicide for your happiness and marriage.

If I also had a bullying, manipulative husband who I knew would not support me in returning if I hated it, and who already puts down and dismisses my career, life goals and wants as absolutely not as important as his, it would be a triple, quadruple, no no NO and I’d absolutely tell him if he wanted to go it would be after our split.

He’s a walking red flag OP. Do not go, you’ll bitterly regret it if you do.

Having actually been to Texas many times, I wouldn’t move there for any amount of money.
As for him not wanting to ask about the package - well, that’s bloody ridiculous! How can you make a decision without all the information? Things like - money towards moving, help with housing, childcare, level of healthcare coverage for your family are all VERY relevant.
YOU are not going going to be able to work. He’s getting the work visa, not you.
And Texas -it’s incredibly hot, it’s incredibly big, it’s incredibly conservative. And yes, everyone and I mean everyone has guns. Your kids will go in play dates to houses where weapons are present, and depending on the attitude of the owners those guns may or may not be properly secured away from curious kids.

I honestly don’t see any benefit to you as a family. Unless the package comes with free accommodation you aren’t going to save much money, other than whatever you’re making for the pay bump but you’re likely to spend most of that on travelling back to the U.K.
In your shoes, I wouldn’t agree to this.

Healthcare and relocation are all irrelevant, as you don't want to go. Don't be bullied into this, he is only thinking about his career.

By the time you've factored in the substantially higher cost of living in the US (health insurance etc), the pay rise that goes with the huge promotion may not be a pay rise at all. A friend was recently considering a move to the US and worked out that he'd need to be paid almost double his UK salary to cover it all and have a similar standard of living there to what he has here.

You'd also want them to be paying your relocation costs, so that you aren't out of pocket because of the move.

All of that taken into account, I wouldn't want to move to Texas either so I feel your pain. The arrival of a new baby is not a time to transplant yourself from everything and everyone you know and love.

My DH is being considered for two overseas roles atm so I understand your position. Can I ask if he discussed this with you before applying/agreeing with headhunters to put him forward? If not, it seems like you’re an afterthought?

My DH discussed the two jobs he’s looking at first and I encouraged him to pursue both if he likes the look of either of them and the package being offered after the initial meeting. His career is important and I get that given he’s prioritised us always to date.

But I’ve been clear that I will not be accompanying him on one, but will visit (it’s a country with regressive LGB laws and so one of our kids could never visit) and, if that one came to fruition, he’d need to ask if he actually needed to be based FT in that country. The other is fine and actually commutable at weekends, but again I’ve stated that I may not come with initially as we have one just starting A Levels and one hoping to get to uni next year. Both are on the spectrum. So he knows up front that I support him but that we would have to muddle through for a few years.

In your case it seems as though he has made a unilateral decision. Texas is not to everyone’s taste but actually for a 3 years stint it could be a good experience - at the very least he needs to arrange a visit so that you are both aware of what it entails. My DH was offered a job there (Houston) when our kids were 4 and 7, but the 6 lane motor ways, the unbearable heat for much of the year so you have to stay inside, the fact that every school has security scanners to check for guns and knives [even the ‘private’ ones] was enough to help my DH decide it was not the place for us. Now, Washington or Seattle? Yeah, we’d have been up for that!

Nothing could persuade me to live abroad with a baby and a young child. Your DH is a man so your concerns about Texas are clearly it going to be something he understands. I would never wan to live in Deep South America. The culture difference is a real thing.
Don’t get talked or guilt tripped into this. You will
always resent it, you will be unhappy and it’s may mean the end of your marriage.

Why is it always Texas? There are 49 other states but no one ever seems to get offers in any of them.

I digress. You couldn't pay me enough to move to Texas, and especially Houston and I say that as an American who has been to Houston. Too hot, their power grid is shot, Houston is exposed to tropical events and flooding (great non-city planning there folks!), too much politics and church and some very very particular to Texas cultural things like cheer/gymnastics and high school football being tentpoles in the social calendar. Do not underestimate the power of the church in interactions and in forming new bonds, the first thing people will ask is 'what church do you go to?' and if you say you arent religious, will likely try to convert you to their mass mega-church or just drop you period. Its a 'blue' city but not once you get into the suburbs.

You need to come up with some red lines for your partner that if the package offered doesn't include solutions for those, you aren't going. How many days off, health care, actual salary, if you are paid to make a scouting visit first, if you are able to get a visa to work, if transporting your elderly dog on the flight is included in relo costs (oh, there better be relocation costs included, BOTH ways). How much saving is 'a big chunk of savings' to pay off the UK house and can you pay it off on the salary offered? What if the exchange rate moves 10% either way? What if you really really give it a go and cant tolerate it, can you go home and do long distance for a year or two and he would be amenable to that?

Sounds like he got a verbal offer and its all sunshine and rainbows and he's envisioning living in a McMansion with the pool out back and running two cars and living the big man out in America whereas the reality once the package come back could be very very different. You've got to go over it with a fine tooth comb together, consider what ifs together, and if the health care details are confusing, get a US HR person on the phone to explain it. Don't just take his word for any of this, stand up and make sure its the right move. I don't blame you for hanging this all on some guy maybe retiring in a few years for a promotion, and he could get the axe out there at any time. Make sure you are protected and 'the voice of reason' for the family as a whole, which includes making sure he's not jumping into a bad situation!

In two weeks the election cycle will be over (bar the expected post craziness) and we'll see where things stand.

This alone would have me point blank refusing. Not a chance would I risk this!

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/texas-nightmare-miscarriage-abortion-ban-b2549017.html

I'm sorry this article may be upsetting but just to show the huge risk you'd be taking

Oh OP, your updates make it clear that this man is only thinking with his best interests at heart. If he was a good, decent man, he'd have got all the details and be talking them through with you.
He sounds awful and I think your gut has kicked in here - listen to it, because you will never forgive yourself if you end up divorcing and having to fight for your kids to return to the UK.

'Why is it always Texas?'

Because people don't want to work there.

Go with your gut on this OP, so many red flags are waving around your posts, please prioritise yourself and your children. Nothing would make me want to live in the US, particularly Texas, you are not one bit unreasonable for not wanting to make this move.

I’ve read more than one thread with women in exactly this situation. The worse one was Australia, where once he got her out there, they quickly split up as HE had an affair. He’s now where he wants to be, and with a new woman living his best life… while she lives in limbo, unable to return to her own life. Horrible.

It’s not just the move, OP - it’s the fact that this man treats you like shit already. No good partner tries to pressure and manipulate their other half into an international move. He does not care if you are happy. That’s the bottom line and even without this, you should really be weighing up whether he’s the right person to spend a life with anyway.

The silent treatment is a huge red flag.
He's not giving you all the information you need to make an informed decision, instead he's trying to bully you when you're pregnant.
Don't go OP, if he's happy to behave this way now, imagine what it will be like when you are so dependant on him. He will only return to the UK if it suits him.
DH and I looked at moving abroad for his job, visited, got work lined up for me as well but in the end stayed put. Healthcare was a big deciding factor, and a few years down the line sadly it turned out to be the right decision. Surgery in the US is insanely expensive and frankly they are out to make money from you.

No way he'll let you come back to the UK with the kids if you break up. You'll be stuck and dependant on him. Gah.

Just on this. I do know quite a few families that have done exactly this. Got promoted to a job in a foreign market, stayed a few years, then got promoted again to an even bigger role back in the UK - I know at least 10 families that have done this. Different sectors as well. You need to make sure his company do this kind of talent spotting and career mapping as part of their long term growth strategy. The company are essentially investing in this person and believe in them long term. All the families have earnt a mint doing this and have accelerated their career. The families that did this made it clear that they wanted to return to the UK in x number of years.

All of these families have had superb relocation packages, both to the foreign country and back again - substantial salaries, medical, private schooling (particularly in less developed countries), spousal sponsorship so they can work etc

What is his package now? What would it be in Texas? What standard of living would that afford?

It's worth noting that my most recent friends that relocated from a semi-detached in Woking now live in a bloody massive house in Arkansas - huge. They seem to have a fantastic standard of living