DH given 3-6 months - should I go off sick at work

[bookwormcrazy]

Husband has had stage 4 cancer for 6 years and a month ago was given 3-6 months - more likely towards the 3 rather than 6.

He is still mobile at the minute but regularly has hospital stays to fix an external drain he has. He is knackered a lot of the time and doesn’t eat as much anymore and we are now under the care of the local hospice and palliative care team. He wants to be at home for the end and not at hospital or hospice.

My work have been amazing this year - giving me so much time off considering he has been in hospital for about 4 1/2 months in total this year, and recognises that I will likely need to go off full time at some point which I will do through the doctors to get sick pay and my manager supports this.

My quandary is when do I do this? To be honest - when I am working I am utterly useless. My head is not in the game and I am not really achieving anything and the teams I manage are starting to explore plans for next year. I have nothing to add because I can’t think about the next week let alone next year!

I worry about taking time off too early and using all my sick pay (4 months full, 4 months half) when he could still be here for another 4/5/6 months or on the flip side it could be within weeks. It’s just so uncertain. This has without a doubt been the worst year of my life and I know it’s only going to get worse and work just does not factor into my head at all at the minute, which for anyone that knows me - knows that is completely out of character because I love my job and what I do and it’s always been a distraction and kept me sane.

Am I wrong for taking time off too early from work? it would be good to hear from others who have been in this position.

I've not been in this position but as a manager I would have been happy for you to work for as long as you felt it a welcome distraction and happy for you to be signed off as soon as it felt like what you needed.

I'm sorry you are in this situation

So sorry to hear this, it must be so hard on so many levels. If work are being brilliant then I would talk to your manager and HR about how best to handle it so that you can spend as much time as you can with him. All the best people I have worked with have moved heaven and earth to stretch policies to their thinnest to treat people with decency - it's also one less thing to fret over if other people can help you take the strain by helping you find the best opportunity to take all the time you need. Wishing you all best - hope your company keep being amazing.

It must be so hard for you. In your shoes I think I'd want to spend every minute with my DH if I knew I was losing him in a few months. My Mum was told 3-6 months with pancreatic cancer and she only had 5 weeks and 3 days. She was hoping to live to see her new great grandson but sadly she never met him. It sounds as if your work are fully supportive of you so I'd take the time while your DH is still alive. I think you'd kick yourself if you waited and then only had a few weeks with him at the end. No matter how much you love your job it will still be there after your DH has gone. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. 💐 I know it's not the same but I nursed my Mum through to the end giving up my job as a teacher to do so. I knew I only had one Mum but I could always get another teaching job and actually I got another job about a month after Mum died because it took my mind of my grief. I couldn't just stay at home being upset everyday. Everyone is different my sister took 6 months off of work.

Goodness I’m so sorry this is happening- in your shoes yes I would take that time off work . Try not to worry about what they think / performance at work etc. It’s really the small fry of life xxx

You are not wrong
take the sick leave and look after your H I’m sure work will understand

My husband died 8 weeks after a terminal diagnosis and I took the time off. I was lucky to be paid but I feel now if I had have worked I would have regretted it. Your husband will become so vulnerable he will need you so much.

I am so sorry OP. Since your work sound supportive, I would talk to them about it. Is there any sort of leave you can have the isn't sick leave - dependents leave maybe? Otherwise I would take the sick leave, but also will you get bereavement leave and how much?

I don’t know what cancer it is but my dad was given 3-6 months to live in February from metastatic cancer and lasted five weeks. I would take the time now whilst I could. The lack of eating suggests it may be sooner rather than later and I am so sorry to say that . I hope for your sake I am wrong. Sending love.

Yes. Do it.

Retired Senior HR manager and I couldn't agree more.

I have been trying to think how to ask this delicately but can’t so I am going to ask it bluntly. Does he have life insurance? Because if you will get a decent sum when he does die then I would not worry at all about the possibility of your pay running out.

Even if he doesn’t then I think that you should still go now. He is as well as he will be right now so this will give you some time together that maybe you can enjoy a bit.

This will only be the wrong decision if he significantly outlasts predictions. But if that is likely that it will be obvious that he is doing much better than expected. At that point you could always go back for a time.

Thanks everyone. My work have been incredibly supportive and I have probably had about 2 months - if not more, off already this year. All with local agreement and support from my manager and they are currently giving me a couple of days off a week which was my choice, it just doesn’t feel enough.

From a formal HR perspective, the bereavement leave is only a couple of weeks and it was my manager who suggested that for my own benefit it may be better going off sick at some point so that I can completely forget about work and not worry about it at all while still getting paid. I just don’t want to take the piss because they have been so good. I have never taken more than a couple of days off at one time and my head is just so not in the game at work which makes me feel worse.

I will have a chat with my manager this week and say that I am thinking of going to the doctors sooner rather than later, even if there is still a while to go. I do think she will be supportive, I just need to let go of the guilt and overthinking.

My mum was given months to live, which reduced to weeks within a couple of days and after a week in hospital reduced to ‘any time soon’. We got her home and had 10 wonderful laughter filled days with her until she died. In the end she had 22 days from diagnosis.

Edit: for final timeline

It’s bowel cancer spread to liver. But the liver mets are blocking his bile ducts and that’s what is going to cause the end - not necessarily the cancer itself.

Thanks for the update, it sounds like you are being supported well by work and you are being given good advice. So go for it - the guilt now is nothing compared to potential guilt at not having spent as much time as you can with your husband. It's also for your own self-care, because I bet your sleep is bad, you don't feel rested and life overall feels like swimming through treacle. Get the appointment, go off sick, focus on what is in front of you. Work will always be there. Sending you so much love.

You go to the GP asap and get yourself signed off. You are not in a fit state to work and you just need that time with your other half.
Just take it a day at a time and do what you need to do for you ❤️

Four years ago my OH was given 3-6 months with terminal cancer. I took sick immediately. We did get benefits, universal credit and carers allowance, so check what benefits you may be entitled too. Marie Curie and Action Cancer were very good at helping with this. I couldn’t have worked with worrying about him and taking him to appointments and so on, and of course it meant we could spend precious time together.

Another one who had someone last much less. Take the time unless you want the distraction and routine.

I went on stress related sick leave (which it was, but it's crap I had to call it that). It ended up being six months, and work were very supportive.

We did have a contingency plan of cashing in some pensions if it came to that, but it didn't get to that point.

It's a very personal decision if it's the right time to step back from work. The care coordination needed at the end stage can take alot of administrative time with getting end of life medications in place, equipment like drivers and catheters, and also arranging and advocating for personal care. You also need support, sometimes colleagues provide this better than family members - so it's worth considering whether isolation may be a factor and how to plan for that.

I think this kind of sums it up! My sleep is awful, I can never relax and my brain is constantly going 100 miles an hour over thinking everything and every different scenario, never knowing what each day will bring. My brain is like sludge and there is zero room for work so I feel like I am letting my teams down which doesn’t help.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation, it must be so difficult. I think you should take the time now, be with your DH. Sending support and <<hugs>>

I've had jobs in the past where I found it nice to be at work-people were close and supportive, but now like a lot of people, while I have no problem with anyone, things at work are just different these days and I work because I need the money, don't enjoy it much. How do you feel about your work? If it helps you mentally to do it, that's one thing to bear in mind.
Do you feel you want to spend all your time with your husband-are there things he and you can do that make you both happy (everyone with cancer is different)?
Would you prefer to take some time to be with other family? Friends? Hobbies? As well as supporting him, there's nothing selfish in taking a bit of time for things for you.

My mum was given 6 months for bowel cancer. She died to the day after two weeks hospice care which was wonderful. She didn't have any liver issues.
I'd take the sick leave. I'm a former CEO and I would have understood your position.
I had a cancer diagnosis last year but I'm on the mend. I couldn't eat and it's frightening. I liked little rice puddings ( don't try the clotted cream ones with bile issues they won't stay down).
I wish you the strength you need and I hope you have support around you. X

I would start your period of sickness now. You can self certify for a few days while you wait for an appointment with your GP.

It sounds like now would be a good time to spend time in each other's company.

If your head is already checked out from work just fully check out for this next phase.

I'm not in the same position but when DH was seriously ill and we weren't sure how it would work out I kept going with work and working while he slept and burnt myself out and it was not worth it.

Hoping that during the next few months you DH is not in pain and that you can get useful help for whatever you both need.

So sorry you are going through this, apologies for asking what kind of cancer it is as it can make a difference
My late husband fell ill at 44, our timeline was
Month 1 fell ill
Month 3 diagnosis - cancer extremely rare & multiple pathways explored before diagnosed
Month 4 prognosis 9-12 months & chemo started
Month 9 chemo halfway prognosis changed to 6-8 weeks
Month 20 passed away
I was advised age is a key factor, my husband was in alot of pain & also in & out of hospital with surgeries & drains but as he was young he fought hard & then faded quickly at the end.
I actually only was fully at home for his final week, I had been working but reduced hours for several months. I needed to be able to be a person as well as a parent & carer. As the illness almost becomes a living being & the medication changes the person.

Our children were young one at primary & one early secondary
Take care of yourself too, I know it is hard but you have to carry on for longer & remember weeks of 20 hours days juggling everything even now most people have no idea what we actually dealt with