DH given 3-6 months - should I go off sick at work

[bookwormcrazy]

Husband has had stage 4 cancer for 6 years and a month ago was given 3-6 months - more likely towards the 3 rather than 6.

He is still mobile at the minute but regularly has hospital stays to fix an external drain he has. He is knackered a lot of the time and doesn’t eat as much anymore and we are now under the care of the local hospice and palliative care team. He wants to be at home for the end and not at hospital or hospice.

My work have been amazing this year - giving me so much time off considering he has been in hospital for about 4 1/2 months in total this year, and recognises that I will likely need to go off full time at some point which I will do through the doctors to get sick pay and my manager supports this.

My quandary is when do I do this? To be honest - when I am working I am utterly useless. My head is not in the game and I am not really achieving anything and the teams I manage are starting to explore plans for next year. I have nothing to add because I can’t think about the next week let alone next year!

I worry about taking time off too early and using all my sick pay (4 months full, 4 months half) when he could still be here for another 4/5/6 months or on the flip side it could be within weeks. It’s just so uncertain. This has without a doubt been the worst year of my life and I know it’s only going to get worse and work just does not factor into my head at all at the minute, which for anyone that knows me - knows that is completely out of character because I love my job and what I do and it’s always been a distraction and kept me sane.

Am I wrong for taking time off too early from work? it would be good to hear from others who have been in this position.

OP I am so very sorry you are going through this. I have a colleague in a similar position, who frankly is no good in work, and her going off sick to care for her husband was best for all of us. You will absolutely not remember doing half a job at work, but you will remember spending quality time with your wonderful partner while you have him. Take the time and spend it with him x

I am so sorry you're going through this. I would take off. You can make more money later for now spend time with your husband and avail of any benefit which might help and make sure his affairs are in order. Thinking of you

Hi op

I agree with what some other people have said about speaking to HR and seeing if there is any flexibility. Could you for example continue to work but from home and do flexible hours?

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You’re probably still processing this and haven’t realised the reality. Work is no longer a priority.
I think you should absolutely go off sick now. You’re not taking mick, anyone would understand.
Youll not look back and regret the time you’ve spent with your husband.

Thinking practically, does your husband have any life insurance etc, they do normally pay out early on a terminal diagnosis. Death in service? Anything to alleviate the financial burden, so if you did use up all your sick pay you’d cope? If you have a mortgage, speak to your lender - find out whether you can take a payment holiday. Some offer a few months break.

I sincerely hope it’s closer to the 6 months. Thinking of you and your family.

Take the time off now.

Bookwormcrazy, I wish you weren’t in this position and send a gentle hand hold, I have been where you are and it is hideous. I was working in a very intense role when my wife was diagnosed, overnight our lives changed and 4.5 months later she was dead.

It was such a catastrophic diagnosis I didn’t even entertain carrying on with work. We spent every day together and whilst there were days which were mundane and ordinary I wouldn’t do it any differently a second time.

It might be worth speaking to the palliative care team to see if they can provide further guidance regarding timescale etc which might influence your thinking.

If you want to know what dying at home was like please ask. It was heartbreaking as my wife was far too young and we had decades ahead together but it was also very calm, peaceful and a source of great comfort afterwards.

take the time - I am so so sorry this must be so difficult.

I have managed people in a similar situation and some need the distraction and routine with others need the time away. Do what works for you - any decent manager (and human being) will work with you.

Could you take unpaid leave? I was in this situation and took six months unpaid-it meant I could just focus on my DH.

So glad to read your update that you will be going to the GP to get signed off.

Your work will cope without you and it may actually be easier for them if they have some certainty i.e if the doctor signs you off for 3 months, they can plan amd backfill in a structured way.

With regards your access to pension/ life insurance, this is a practical discussion that must be immensely scary and painful for your DH. His reluctance to discuss this is heartbreaking and understandable but unfortunately so necessary. You might have to gently force the issue as your ability to plan and take care of yourself is really hampered without this info.

In the words of Emma Thomson - this was always going to be a totally shit time. I for one admire the hello out of you for being so strong and hope that you get some peace for both of you.

Both my parents died of cancer after long illnesses, and what I know is that the end is extremely unpredictable. It doesn't seem to be when you think it will be.

That in mind, you'll just have to give it your best guesstimate. In your shoes, I would probably work for another month and then start your time off. Because you have to remember that you will need a bit of time after, as well. Obviously, you should see how it goes and readjust that if he becomes more unwell quickly.

I feel for you, OP. Watching someone you love die from cancer is absolutely excruciating. Sending you so much love and hugs and best wishes. 💐💐💐

ETA: Apologies, OP, I have now read your updates. It sounds as if your mental health could do with going off work now, so do that. Wishing you the best of luck xxx

One thing you can definitely claim and will definitely get is PIP - this page is very useful and it should be easy to do in your husband’s situation but Citizens Advice can also help you claim. Wishing you all the best at this terrible time 💐

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/sick-or-disabled-people-and-carers/pip/help-with-your-claim/how-to-claim-if-terminally-ill/

Absolutely OP.

Not only do you have enough to contend with, the days together are precious now.

Sending you strength.

Very sorry to hear this OP. I would go off sick now and spend the time with your DH. It’s time you’ll never get back, and you might be able to have a bit of quality time together before things get too bad.

I am so very sorry you are having to face this awful situation, I've been there.
Obviously you need to think about finances, but what I will say is that you will never find yourself wishing you had spent more time with work.
You are facing pressures and emotions that nobody should have to.
Some things you cannot, no matter how much you wish you could, avoid. The one pressure on your life that you can put to one side is work.

I'm so sorry you are in this position.

One thing I would say from a manager's perspective is that they may well prefer that you were off sick now, but can't really say it. When I've had team members in this situation it is usually easier to manage once they are signed off and you can plan around that for the foreseeable. And from a human perspective I'd much rather they take the time they need. But I wouldn't dream of telling them that I want them to go off, as that would be inappropriate and also I'm conscious they may find working a helpful distraction. So please don't waste your energy worrying that your manager will be disappointed that you are going to take the time you need.

I think it is important to take the time now. Make the most of your time with him while you can. Also take the opportunity to rest and look after yourself where you can. The end can sadly be very hard on loved ones, and you don't want.to go into that burned out.

Also if you haven't already please apply for PIP for him. It is expedited for terminal patients. And it will mean that if your pay runs out you can claim carers' allowance.

Also, I know he doesn't want to tell his work, but if he has any pensions with previous employers he could look at taking them now as a serious ill health lump sum commutation.

Lots of love to you at this sad time. It’s a very hard thing as you just don’t know but go with your gut. I took around 3 months with my dad as I knew I needed that time with him. I was so lucky to have a supportive employer and great boss. Sounds like you do too so take the time with your husband

I had a very similar experience to you. Was so glad we had the hospice with all support. Lots of love to you on your loss

Yes, if your work are fully supportive of this and you are not risking your job/career, then absolutely take the time off immediately.

Spend every moment with him.

The end may very well be a lot sooner than you think sadly, please do not live with regrets of not taking the time off sooner.

Best of luck to you.

I am so sorry @bookwormcrazy. Give up work. I’m sure your DH will take great comfort having you near. Xx

@bookwormcrazy I'm so sorry. What a terrible situation. If you go off work now, you have time you could spend with him now whilst the quality of his life is still reasonable.

You talk about sick leave but no mention of annual leave. Do you have any left? If so start by using that and see how it works for you both. Use your full allowance of sick leave. 50% salary isn't a huge amount different to full pay for most people.

You will need leave after he crosses over. I appreciate there will be some compassionate leave, but it's normally very few days.

Take the time off. You can’t predict these things, but even if he has 5/6/7 months left, the time spent together now won’t ever have been wasted. Cross that bridge when it comes to it.
My mom was diagnosed on a Friday, they gave her 3-6 months life expectancy. I carried on working. She died on a Friday, 3 weeks later. I have regretted my decision to work, every single day, for the 17yrs she’s been gone. Don’t be like me ❤️‍🩹

I just want to offer some support. My DH also had terminal bowel cancer with metastases spread to his liver.
I hope you know there's no right or wrong answer only the right answer for you.

Good morning OP.
I hope this doesn't sound hard nosed but if your DH has any final salary pensions get the money out now. Some only give 50% to the remaining partner. He will be able to cash them in without penalty under terminal illness rules. My late younger brother managed to do this.

https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/pensions-and-retirement/taking-your-pension/early-retirement-because-of-illness-sickness-or-disability

if you are worried about money, you can sometimes take your pension early when you have a terminal diagnosis.

sorry you are in this position OP