DH given 3-6 months - should I go off sick at work

[bookwormcrazy]

Husband has had stage 4 cancer for 6 years and a month ago was given 3-6 months - more likely towards the 3 rather than 6.

He is still mobile at the minute but regularly has hospital stays to fix an external drain he has. He is knackered a lot of the time and doesn’t eat as much anymore and we are now under the care of the local hospice and palliative care team. He wants to be at home for the end and not at hospital or hospice.

My work have been amazing this year - giving me so much time off considering he has been in hospital for about 4 1/2 months in total this year, and recognises that I will likely need to go off full time at some point which I will do through the doctors to get sick pay and my manager supports this.

My quandary is when do I do this? To be honest - when I am working I am utterly useless. My head is not in the game and I am not really achieving anything and the teams I manage are starting to explore plans for next year. I have nothing to add because I can’t think about the next week let alone next year!

I worry about taking time off too early and using all my sick pay (4 months full, 4 months half) when he could still be here for another 4/5/6 months or on the flip side it could be within weeks. It’s just so uncertain. This has without a doubt been the worst year of my life and I know it’s only going to get worse and work just does not factor into my head at all at the minute, which for anyone that knows me - knows that is completely out of character because I love my job and what I do and it’s always been a distraction and kept me sane.

Am I wrong for taking time off too early from work? it would be good to hear from others who have been in this position.

My DF was given 12 weeks, I went off sick immediately, he lasted 7. Take care of yourself.

It’s not me resisting unfortunately, my husband is very stubborn and is adamant he wants to be at home. He is very passionate about this which I know is going to make it more difficult for me. I will do everything I can to try and support him though.

Without a doubt go on the sick now.
Your manager has kindly and gently given you permission.
This time is so terribly important to you both and as a family.
I would get a sick -fit- note tomorrow and not worry about work.
Remember, work will manage without you. Ypu are replaceable
Your husband needs you - nobody else can fill in for you as his wife. You to him are irreplaceable.
Give yourself the time ypu need and do not think about work.
It will still be there in 6 months time - but DH might not.
Do not give work another thought sweetheart .
Sending much love to you both.

Thank you everyone again for your experience and words of support! I will speak to my manager and go to the doctors this week.

Take the time - enjoy as many special moments that you can. So sorry you are going through this x

I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this.. if part of it is financial, please remember that after he passes you’ll be eligible for bereavement support payments and right now you’re also eligible for immediate benefits based on his terminal prognosis. But if you can afford it, go off now. For you - you’re emotionally drained. But also make sure that whilst you’re off sick, you get some support from family support groups/helplines/organizations. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Your husband sounds like he’s in denial and that’s why he doesn’t want to tell his work probably but please find someone to talk to who can help practically and also give you emotional support. Sending love 💕

So sorry to hear this. If you are a particular profession there may be a benevolent charity to offer support - practical and financial on top if any sick pay. People often don’t realise they exist.

OP I'm glad to hear that. When you look back on this awful year you will remember the time you spent with DH, not the tasks you completed at work. Having split focus between DH and your professional life is the most awful situation. Give yourself the space of just focusing on him.

So sorry for what you are going through. Talk to your manager and HR. When my dad was in hospital last year I worked from home so I didn’t have to keep answering well meaning questions, then I could dip in and out with work. When it became apparent dad wasn’t going to recover I went off sick as I couldn’t concentrate. Like others have said, good managers and HR will do everything they can to accommodate you at this awful time xx

When my DH was ill, I did not have a diagnosis with a timescale, it was just obvious he was very weak and ill. Work was not very supportive. I went sick with stress about one month before he died. I did not plan it, but just felt one day that I could no longer deal with everything. A client made me cry and the boss was giving me extra work, so I just went sick.

@bookwormcrazy There does come a point where you feel guilty if you are at work and feel equally guilty if you are at home. I have managed two HT through similar issues with their partners, all I can say is that open conversations worked best, so that everyone can plan what is to happen next. Bereavement leave is often no more than five working days, so I would suggest you talk to work about taking sick leave to cover this period, I am sure that your GP will support you with this.

If it is helpful, I have written a document for my work colleagues which I have found helpful over the years... no one prepares you for this, and it is an amalgam of what worked for our family and for others I have known, if you DM me an email address, am happy to send it over to you.

Finally, whatever you decide to do is the right thing, do not worry about what others think, just do whatever gets you through this period... and as the daughter of someone whose cause of death was secondaries in her liver, if your husband wants a toasted hot cross bun at 3:00am or chips at 8:00am, just do it, because appetites are so weird and you will just be so pleased when they manage to eat.

Hey OP, so sorry you are going through this ❤️

I've got two personal experiences with this sadly.

My dad had Stomach cancer spread to Liver also (I've seen your comment about the type of cancer), and his bile ducts were also blocked and it did sadly really take us by surprise when he went. My step mum hadn't taken time off work yet as was waiting till it felt closer/ they were told and was totally blindsided by the speed. I think the week before he had been given a round of chemotherapy so hadn't even been officially put onto any kind of hospice care, the bile ducts became blocked and they were unable to stent them as they had done previously.

Second experience was with my step dad 4 years later and my mum was also in this situation and continued to work as unsure when to trigger the start of sick pay and ultimately also left it too late and worked up until the night he took a turn and he died 4 days later.

Sorry to be straightforward I don't want to scare you but just to say really you honestly don't know and I know both my step mum and mum wish they had taken the leave sooner.

Sending strength xx

I think it’s worthwhile to ask opinions of prognosis privately if and as things progress. When my sister’s cancer spread was confirmed I had a chat with a nurse and was then able to spend the next two weeks with her. She wanted to be at home too but by the time she made it home on the Friday, she was frightened and asked to go back to hospital. It meant I got to spend her last lucid night with her and she died on the Sunday. The staff had told me they’d not wanted her to leave the ward. Wishes and circumstances change and so don’t feel bad if he’s not at home. In the end it won’t matter.

Do try and make plans ahead if you can. For my MIL (6 months after my sister), we also had two weeks so spoke to funeral director for a quote and gave basic details of what she would want. This was used as the family was reeling. I also got the priest in as per her faith.

There’s also the after to consider. You think you grieve beforehand but it comes in waves. I think it’s important to accept that you’ll never be fully ready to go back to work but it does get easier. Just don’t put too much pressure on yourself xx

I have been there and my husband had a very similar diagnosis to yours.
i tried to continue to work but realised quickly that I couldn’t. I was signed off by my GP with stress until he died 2 1/2 months later.
Looking back I’m so glad that I did, money really doesn’t matter in the scheme of things (we had enough to get by) and I know that I did all I could to help him.
Unfortunately however he did have to go into a hospice for the last few days as his pain got too much to manage at home and honestly they were brilliant, I was able to stay with him and it gave us time together whilst all the caring for us both, was taken care of.
Once the funeral and everything was over though I went back to work quickly as I hated being home alone, it was right for me but obviously others need more time.
I wish you well and although you never really get over it you will eventually settle into a new normal and I would say 14 years down the line that I am happy again.💐💐

I would explore all of the leave options there are available, such as carers leave, special leave, annual leave and sick leave-there may be options available to you which give you more time without losing pay.

I am sorry you are in this terribly difficult situation. A number of my close family / relatives have died of cancer, most of them were in their 80s, one in their 50s and a friend in her 30s. The older relatives had no / minimal treatment, apart from palliative care and died within months. The younger two did everything going at the top UK hospital, chemo, radiotherapy, multiple clinical trials - they both lived for years even after a similar prognosis. Do you have children, if so make sure you claim child benefit (even if you have to pay it back in charges) as you get an increased amount of bereavement support payment.

The other option is to take a career break if you think the sick pay will run out.

I am so sorry you are going through this. As an employer who wanted to be as flexible as possible in similar circumstances explore if a fit note will work for you. If you have a cooperative GP who says you are fit to work say 2 afternoons a week. Then work can either say yes or no to that pattern. If they say yes they have to pay you as though you are at work. So it is good to check informally what they would be happy with before the GP signs it.

I am so sorry you and your husband and family are going through this.
with regards treatment - ask about Hospice at Home if it exists in your area. They were brilliant for my friend in Devon. And yes, as other posters are saying - time to stay home with your husband.
sending you a big unmumsnetty hug x

Sending hugs OP. I would go off now as you do not need to be thinking about work.

Also please check your husband's life insurance policy and any joint life insurances you have as they will often pay out upon a terminal diagnosis where less than 12 months to live is expected. Xxx

I was in your position nearly four years ago with my late husband. Bowel cancer spread to liver, then, when treatment failed, to spine. When his bile duct became obstructed he was given a couple of months and died exactly two weeks later, two years and eight months from diagnosis

Definitely take the time now. And if you're in England be mindful that palliative care is handled by 111 out of hours. We both wanted my husband to die at home but it is my biggest regret, due to multiple failures by our hospice team. My mum died last year back home and I was so glad it was in the hospital. My dad just couldn't cope and the emergency care package put in was shambolic.

So sorry that you're going through this horror. I hope you have good support around you both.

I would contact his life insurance providers and see if they offer terminal illness payments you could receive that now and give you that financial break to be at home with him. Most plans have this option and if you’re not up to it please speak to a financial advisor because they always want to help.

In 5 years you'll look back and think thank god we had that time together. Take the time. Make the memories. Your life at work can wait.

The other two things on finances are to make sure he has a will and remember the tax situation changes in April 2027 on pension pots so you may need to speak to a tax advisor. Sorry to mention these practicalities, but once they are in place it gives you space to be with each other.

I'm so sorry.

Go on sick leave.

You'll never regret the time spent with your husbamd.

Work is never more important than family.
Work and your manager realise that too.

There will always be work. Take the time now. If you have more time together than you originally expected, what a gift.