DH given 3-6 months - should I go off sick at work

[bookwormcrazy]

Husband has had stage 4 cancer for 6 years and a month ago was given 3-6 months - more likely towards the 3 rather than 6.

He is still mobile at the minute but regularly has hospital stays to fix an external drain he has. He is knackered a lot of the time and doesn’t eat as much anymore and we are now under the care of the local hospice and palliative care team. He wants to be at home for the end and not at hospital or hospice.

My work have been amazing this year - giving me so much time off considering he has been in hospital for about 4 1/2 months in total this year, and recognises that I will likely need to go off full time at some point which I will do through the doctors to get sick pay and my manager supports this.

My quandary is when do I do this? To be honest - when I am working I am utterly useless. My head is not in the game and I am not really achieving anything and the teams I manage are starting to explore plans for next year. I have nothing to add because I can’t think about the next week let alone next year!

I worry about taking time off too early and using all my sick pay (4 months full, 4 months half) when he could still be here for another 4/5/6 months or on the flip side it could be within weeks. It’s just so uncertain. This has without a doubt been the worst year of my life and I know it’s only going to get worse and work just does not factor into my head at all at the minute, which for anyone that knows me - knows that is completely out of character because I love my job and what I do and it’s always been a distraction and kept me sane.

Am I wrong for taking time off too early from work? it would be good to hear from others who have been in this position.

Oh sweetheart, I was there but quite a while ago now, but I still remember. Not a partner but a family member. You are always on high alert, your adrenaline is nuts, your sleep doesn't recharge you. I totally get it, I really do. If work are great then don't try and juggle for a moment longer, get that GP appointment, explain the situation and ask for 12 weeks off. They will do it. And people will completely understand. If nothing else, it will give you breathing space to think more about what is happening, because work tends to push home life concerns out of your brain - you sound so like me, I feel guilty if I have a single day off work! But we have to come to terms with the fact that we are better people for taking the time away from the grind when we need it and you need it now. First time in your life I am sure but this matters so much. And if there are hard days or nights then just come on here to talk if you need to - we're all here to listen and help if needed. Sending you so, so, so much love from Swansea. (Just so you can read it in my accent - ha ha!) Your self care is so important right now, you can't help anyone if you are run so ragged you feel like you are on your last nerve without energy.

I love my work and what I do as well as the people I work with. Over the last 6 years, it’s work that has kept me sane through everything and been a welcome distraction and lifeline which is why it’s so “not me” to be feeling this way.

I think I need the time off to do both things - be there for my husband but also have time to do some things for me without feeling guilty or that it’s taking time away from everything else I need to do.

Take the time off, you aren't fit to work (no offence) so it's justified in that respect but also you won't get this time again. We are all replacable at work, we are not replaceable at home.

I would be taking the time off from now.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I’ve been in this situation when my husband was dying of cancer and finished work when the hospice / palliative care team got involved. So around the stage you are at now. I was also at the point where I couldn’t concentrate & it all felt so pointless when this huge thing was happening.

It is monumentally painful and you’ll soon be so exhausted (if you aren’t already). There might also be moments in the months to come that you will treasure in the future - bizarre as that sounds.

Make sure that you take as much help as possible with the caring. There came a point where one of my DH’s nurses pointed out it was time for me to be his wife & not his nurse.

Sending you so much strength and love from my small corner of the internet @bookwormcrazy

Thank you so much! This is me and I completely resonate with everything you have said. I am a bit emotional at the moment and really appreciate what you said.

Being brutally practical - Whats your financial situation like? Do you fall into the higher tax rate? Whats the time frame for sick leave to reset?

Those time predictions can go either way, running out of sick pay could be a concern if he exceeds expectations. Could you go part time at work?

My Dad died from metastatic liver cancer, and truthfully it was a tough end. He was desperate to stay home but we couldn't manage his condition with community care so he went into a hospice then a high dependency nursing unit.

Get signed off and make the most of the time you have. And I'm so sorry for you both

Thank you all so much for every single post and experience. 🥰
You have made me realise and accept that I would not be unreasonable to stop working now. I do need to do something because I can’t mentally go on how I am.

I am in the higher tax bracket - does that make a difference? I do have some savings that will last me about 4 months if my sick pay runs out and my husband has a small amount of savings as well.

Most of these are people saying less time. With my mum we were told weeks and I took time off and moved

• 8 months later I had to go back to work as I was being pressured to go back. She died the next day. I remain convinced that my going back sped up her death but by that point she just wanted to go anyway. So also have a plan for slightly longer than expected too - I didn't and that did cause everyone more stress. I'm sorry for the grief now and later, I'm sorry for you and DH. Sending strength.

Hey if he has life cover or cover within a pension check whether you can cash it in up front with a terminal diagnosis. Many have this clause included and it might take the pressure off you financially during this period.

If you weren't emotional right now, you wouldn't be human. I am so glad my words helped at least a bit. Here is your 'licence' - is that the right word? - to take a pause from work because your energy and effort is needed elsewhere, both on your own wellbeing and supporting your husband. Tell your boss, then book the appointment, and then the button is well and truly pressed. Boop! Here's the button! 🅱️

Go off sick now. If he has any pensions see if he can get any money now, this will help

Parent was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and died to the day, 6 weeks later. Both me and my sibling went off sick and moved in with them to care for them.
We had a great 5 weeks, laughing, reminiscing, going out for drives in amongst the blood transfusions etc as it was palliative care only.
The last few days, deterioration was quick.
Sending massive support, make every day count.

I’m so sorry, this is just so terribly hard and sad. Like others, I would say to take the time now while you can and not worry about work. My dad was given a terminal cancer diagnosis earlier this year with a prognosis of weeks to short months, and he died within a fortnight. I was able to spend that time with him and navigating grief now, I’m so thankful I had as much time as possible with him. Take care

I’ve absolutely no experience of this but I’m sure if I was in your situation I would take that time now. No one knows the end date but it also sounds like you need to take some time for yourself to spend these last few months with your hubby. Work can wait and it sounds like you have a great employer. This is a unique awful situation, I wouldn’t expect anyone to be turning up to work in your position. Sending you so much strength 💗

You should get some tax back when you go on half or nil pay.

Also get the palliative team to fill out the SR1 form for fast track access to all the benefits he will be entitled to.

Make sure his pension is sorted as you will almost certainly get a widows pension make sure you are the nominated recipient for this while he can still do this. Ask if he wishes to share passwords to Facebook etc

I would take sick leave now if he improves you can always go back to work.

While his illness is obviously behind all of this, if one of your team were to come to you with the list of issues you've written here (lack of sleep, unable to concentrate on the job etc) what would you be saying to them?

The list of how this is impacting you is enough reason to be sick right now because it's already too much, almost in spite of what's to come.

Of course you'll need time afterwards but it's different. Having just lost my dad in similar circumstances, it was harder in the weeks leading up to it. In a sense all the planning that usually follows was already done and though hard, the feeling of being pulled in different directions is no longer there. The uncertainty is really rough emotionally.

As an aside, i can't emphasise enough how lovely it was in the hospice - I never understood when people said that but there was such a sense of peace there andit was quite jolly, not miserable. I cried the most the day he went in because it was such a relief.

Getting proper care, protection from bed sores, pain relief is really important. As is knowing you can walk out of the door and he'll be taken care of. So don't resist it just for home because it did become a much better option we are really grateful for.

Good point. Thank you.

Go now - as soon as possible

As long as there's enough coming in to cover the essentials , and even if there isnt, worry about that later

When it comes to cancer, there are no guarantees , they say 3 months - it could be as quick as 3 weeks

Take it

Be with him

Have the time to say what needs to be said

My sisters husband has the rarest form of cancer known, the state of Perth has only ever seen 3 cases.. Hes not going to survive, they are giving him time - hes 58. Sister spends as much time as possible with him. When hes in isolation in hospital - she works when she can, if he gets two days home, she's home with him

They are now totally broke , but they have very little time , so they are taking every minute of it

My husband is being incredibly difficult from an admin perspective. He doesn’t want anyone at his work to know that his prognosis although they do know about the cancer and the troubles he’s had this year - just not confirmed the terminal element. His life assurance and pension do have me as a nominee though.