DH given 3-6 months - should I go off sick at work

[bookwormcrazy]

Husband has had stage 4 cancer for 6 years and a month ago was given 3-6 months - more likely towards the 3 rather than 6.

He is still mobile at the minute but regularly has hospital stays to fix an external drain he has. He is knackered a lot of the time and doesn’t eat as much anymore and we are now under the care of the local hospice and palliative care team. He wants to be at home for the end and not at hospital or hospice.

My work have been amazing this year - giving me so much time off considering he has been in hospital for about 4 1/2 months in total this year, and recognises that I will likely need to go off full time at some point which I will do through the doctors to get sick pay and my manager supports this.

My quandary is when do I do this? To be honest - when I am working I am utterly useless. My head is not in the game and I am not really achieving anything and the teams I manage are starting to explore plans for next year. I have nothing to add because I can’t think about the next week let alone next year!

I worry about taking time off too early and using all my sick pay (4 months full, 4 months half) when he could still be here for another 4/5/6 months or on the flip side it could be within weeks. It’s just so uncertain. This has without a doubt been the worst year of my life and I know it’s only going to get worse and work just does not factor into my head at all at the minute, which for anyone that knows me - knows that is completely out of character because I love my job and what I do and it’s always been a distraction and kept me sane.

Am I wrong for taking time off too early from work? it would be good to hear from others who have been in this position.

Thank you everyone for the advice of practical things to do. Fortunately the hospice at home team are being really helpful with regards to benefits he is entitled to and organising that.

However, at the minute, my husband is very much in denial and doesn’t want anyone to really know the situation he is in and wants to bury his head in the sand. From an admin perspective we are limited as he doesn’t want his work to know and that’s who is life assurance is with. He mostly refuses to talk about any future that is not focused on him getting better and it has caused conflict between us when I have suggested informing work to explore medical retirement with the terminal diagnosis and it has really upset him so it’s not worth the stress. This is classic him unfortunately as he didn’t even tell his friends he had cancer for well over a year and even then it was because I threatened to tell them myself if he didn’t as it was completely obvious he was seriously unwell.

Most other bills are already in my name or joint and there’s only a couple of yearly ones in his name only that are coming up for renewal that I am going to change over. I think money wise we can make it work for 6-8 months with my sick pay and savings so I am really not going to push to make him do things he really doesn’t want to do.

OP, I am so sorry. I have no answers. My Dad is sick with terminal liver cancer and juggling everything with the uncertainty is really hard. Do what is the right thing for you. If your head can’t focus, take leave. I’m sorry you are going through this. Cancer is such a cruel disease. Big hugs

If your DH doesn't want to give you passwords etc. now, can you ask him to write them down in a sealed envelope that you can open it after his death

I’m so so sorry you’re in this situation.

As a manager I’d far rather someone on my team was off sick, than forcing themselves in when they could be at home with their terminally ill loved one. It’s probably better for them (some do find the routine of work helpful), it’s a lot
easier to manage as you know they’re off for a chunk of time, rather than in and out and probably not reliably completing tasks.

Also worth being aware that the prognosis timelines can go either way. Both times I’ve cared for a terminally ill relative it’s been a lot longer than we were told. In the first case we thought days and it was weeks. In the second weeks turned out to be months. It’s really really hard to maintain it if you’ve thrown yourself into caring expecting only to have to do it for a certain amount of time, and then that time triples.

OP it sounds like you have the answers you needed from this thread but I did want to say I’m currently in a very similar situation so really empathise. I found it very hard knowing when to stop working - everyone kept saying to go off sick but the reality when you don’t know how long they have feels more… .difficult.

I didn’t stop working abruptly - there was an acute health episode which meant some special leave and not long after that I took some annual leave. This helped me realise I was better not working and I am now on sick leave. The GP wouldn’t give me a fit note from just using their online form - they wanted to speak to me. This made me worry they wouldn’t give it to me but really they wanted to check in, get the right reason and duration for the note etc. I am not sleeping well, unable to concentrate, keep crying and they went with ‘stress at home’ as a reason.

I’m sorry you’re having admin issues on top of everything. For a specific thing with my DH I wrote down calculations of the financial implications in quite a factual way which made a difference but not sure if that would help your situation.

Wishing you lots of strength for the weeks ahead

You’ve just articulated well the situation I have @Butterbeanbutterbo . I hate sounding cynical but I need to keep work on side. I get a generous sick leave policy (six months full, six months half) but honestly that could soon vanish. And I’m soon going to be a single parent to two very young children

Thank you everyone. I have been signed off for an initial month as they want to chat and check in with me in a month’s time to see how I’m doing.

He has had cancer for over 6 years and work has always kept me sane and been my distraction but it’s definitely time to admit that after the intensity of the last 7 months and where he is at now, I just can’t do it anymore. I need to focus all my energies on him and the time he has left as well as looking after myself.

I am so sorry to hear of this, I think a nurse can advise but from my experience based on three people once someone is in bed it has taken between 4 and 1 month… I don’t know if that is helpful.

I am no expert at all so you would need to check, but if he has a death in service benefit at work (I have always had this in corporate jobs, several x annual salary so quite a major benefit), it would not pay out if he was medically retired. So better to stay in work.

What might be useful, if he can bear to give you access, is to look at his benefits portal at work if he has one, so you can understand where you might be financially and both make sure you are nominated beneficiary where needed.

I’m so sorry you are in this horrible situation- sending much love xx

Can you go part time, say a couple of days a week just to keep your job going? If you pack up completely you might miss the support of colleagues. Can you arrange for friends or family to keep him company while you work? Do you work nearby?

Problem with this is that there’s almost more of an expectation to be at work on your working days. When you only work three days a week but one is a Friday and DHs appointments fall disproportionately on a Friday you feel more like you’re taking the piss, somehow.

I have been doing this for the last month and also working at home and @isthisaplumhits the nail on the head - working 3 days a week means that if medical appointments fall on a working day - it feels worse. It was hard trying to organise my 2 days off to work around my teams and work meetings as well as planned things. Throw in an unplanned hospital visit and it sent the week to sh!t and created more guilt.
for 7 months I have been juggling work around hospital and while my work have been amazing, I can’t justify the juggle anymore.

As a higher rate tax payer it’s potentially worth considering whether there are approaches that are likely to spread your earnings ‘hit’ across the two tax years.

Half gross pay doesn’t halve your take home (particularly not if you keep your estimated earnings up to date).

Sounds like taking sick leave from now would potentially mean the half pay bit comes end of this financial year and then any unpaid time into next financial year. That’s probably net better than earning full whack all of this financial year and then all the missed income falling in same financial year.

Life insurance wise - the policies are usually through an employer but the employer doesn’t get the details back so there is the potential to talk to the insurer to get info on options without info on the situation going back to employer.