DH given 3-6 months - should I go off sick at work

[bookwormcrazy]

Husband has had stage 4 cancer for 6 years and a month ago was given 3-6 months - more likely towards the 3 rather than 6.

He is still mobile at the minute but regularly has hospital stays to fix an external drain he has. He is knackered a lot of the time and doesn’t eat as much anymore and we are now under the care of the local hospice and palliative care team. He wants to be at home for the end and not at hospital or hospice.

My work have been amazing this year - giving me so much time off considering he has been in hospital for about 4 1/2 months in total this year, and recognises that I will likely need to go off full time at some point which I will do through the doctors to get sick pay and my manager supports this.

My quandary is when do I do this? To be honest - when I am working I am utterly useless. My head is not in the game and I am not really achieving anything and the teams I manage are starting to explore plans for next year. I have nothing to add because I can’t think about the next week let alone next year!

I worry about taking time off too early and using all my sick pay (4 months full, 4 months half) when he could still be here for another 4/5/6 months or on the flip side it could be within weeks. It’s just so uncertain. This has without a doubt been the worst year of my life and I know it’s only going to get worse and work just does not factor into my head at all at the minute, which for anyone that knows me - knows that is completely out of character because I love my job and what I do and it’s always been a distraction and kept me sane.

Am I wrong for taking time off too early from work? it would be good to hear from others who have been in this position.

I am so sorry Op- ask for the time off

I am so sorry you are both going through this. My husband died very suddenly, and I have been left feeling I could have, would have, done so much more to make sure he knew how much he meant to me if I had known at lunchtime he'd be dead by teatime. Give yourself- and him - the time you need to avoid those regrets. And to set things in order. I do pray, so I will pray for you both..

You can always make more money. You can’t make more time. So sorry you are going through this. In my limited experience doctors seem to overestimate time.

I’m so sorry.
Also a line manager, also go sick. Make the most of the time you have, take care of yourself. Nobody will guilt you or begrudge you this time.

So sorry, OP.

Absolutely not wrong to take time off work to be with your DH in his last months.

You'll regret not being with him more than you'll regret not being at work.

Being clinical, you will get his life assurance to pay off debt you might build up if you don't get full pay.

I wish him, and you, as easy a journey down this difficult path as possible.

When my best friend had cancer for the third time she asked the bank for a mortgage break..she had worked through all sorts of treatment over the years.

They paid her mortgage off. Some sort of illness cover she never even realised she had.

Be with your dh op.

I’m so sorry - If he’s no longer eating much it’s unlikely to be six months. I’d wrap up the week and leave as of Monday.

As a business owner, I would appreciate your diligence and misplaced guilt, and support you in as many ways as I could as you navigate the coming weeks and months. Go to the GP, my love, and take care.

None of us can predict or buy time

Put work on hold for now (Employer seems understanding)

Spend the time with your DH, your family & friends

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My DH died in April, exactly the same - stage 4 bowel cancer, innumerable liver mets, blocked bile duct, stented but did not work. Take the time off, spend every minute you can with him. You won’t regret it. Sending strength and hugs.

Hi op definitely go off now your dh is your priority now and your own mental health and wellbeing. He might change his mind about the hospice I think a lot of people say they want to be in their own bed but sometimes it’s not practical and then you have to live in that home with them memories. Take it by each day things change and things can be quick or slow unfortunately no one can give you a set time. I know a few people who have taken cannabis to help with there symptoms. It’s a horrible disease look after yourself I hope you get to make some more memories.

I am so very sorry.
Given the struggles you’re having to deal with - the impossible juggling of family, work, illness, self care - I also think the time is now to pause work - it will be there when you’re ready.
Do you have any critical illness or income protection insurance that might also help?

Talk to your boss

I’m so sorry. I would ask the palliative care team what they would advise and whether you should prioritise being with him now. They may have a better sense of his current condition and how quickly that’s likely to change

We’re in a similar position, @bookwormcrazy

My DH has stage IV cancer, it’s looking like he has perhaps 12 months. He’s very unwell. Ideally I’d just take time off but honestly … I need my job and we have two young children. The uncertainty is the worst.

I am hoping to get advice from Macmillan. Just feel numb with it all tbh and quite angry for some reason!

I would take the time off if you feel it would be time that it would be precious to look back on, if you'd have regrets otherwise, if he needs you and you feel you can be there. It sounds like you're feeling some stress from being very understandably off your game at work so perhaps the period of it being a helpful distraction is over for now. But if you feel that you'd be too much in each other's pockets and it would be too intense, it is a perfectly acceptable decision to keep working. Every situation is different. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. In my experience, passing away creeps up. It seems like it's never going to happen until suddenly it does. Medics won't be able to predict what will happen and when so I think it's important to do what feels right.

@bookwormcrazy Check if the policy has critical illness cover - if so that might pay out now.

I understand his reluctance, if he won't just hand over passwords can you be added as second person on some of his accounts, all admin and utilities, convert bank accounts to joint accounts if possible or move funds.

i’m so sorry to both of you during this horrible time x

sending you both lots of love 💐🩵

Hi op sorry your going through this as well anger is normal part of grief I was told you start the grief process once you know it’s terminal and it understandable your angry your life is going to change drastically and you have young children to worry about who will lose their father and you your dh. I hope you have support in real life for you all it’s a horrible situation for you all to be in. Sending hugs.🤗

No advice OP. Sending sympathy as it's so hard. When my dad died I stayed at work like a zombie when he was in hospital 10 minutes walk away when I should have sat at his bedside.

I'd echo the points made about hospice care. My dad wanted to come home but it just wasn't possible and we weren't able to get him into a hospice and in the end he died in hospital. As hard a discussion as it will be for both of you should consider hospice care as an option.

I've been in this situation as a manager, one of my junior staff's father was passing away. She kept trying to come to work, kept leaving things unfinished, she would be great for 1-2 days, then start crying at her desk etc. She was a brilliant employee before this and I really wanted to tell her to just stop coming in and get herself signed off but HR told me not to. Others did suggest it and she took it badly, she thought she was being pushed out.

From a manager's point of view, it's much, much harder to manage an employee who is physically showing up but is unable to do their job properly. I still have to give them work and include them in projects, while knowing they will not be able to do it all and might go sick at any point anyway. So I have to line up staff with nothing to do knowing they will be needed at some point. Whereas if someone is signed off for say 3 motnhs, i know what needs doing.

I hope this perspective helps. I really think you should sign off, primarily to spend time with your DH. Work will still be there.

I’m so sorry to read this, OP 💐

So sorry you are going through this. Different situation but I delayed going to visit someone and I shouldn’t have done. If I had that time again I wouldn’t leave their side from the moment I was told they were unwell.

Your work sound like they have been supportive so far. I’m sure they will be supportive of you. There will always be work of some sort for you. You won’t get this time back. Spend all the time you can with your husband. X

I have been in your position. Although I am self employed, in reality I do contracts for two main employers. I found work helpful, but done from home. I asked to do meetings over Zoom rather than go on site. My husband had a major bleed on the brain (tumours) five months before he died which affected him cognitively, so he was not easy to leave for long.

WFH would be my suggestion because then you get the best of both worlds. You get to spend time with him, but also get some relief by getting to focus on something other than your husband feels crap and you’re going to lose him soon.

Mine was given 3 months at most, clarified a few sentences later to 8-12 weeks. He lasted 5.5 weeks. At the time, I read an article on how, although it can go either way, over-estimates tend to be more common.

The people who hired me were great from the moment he had the brain bleed. They fitted in with what I wanted whilst he was ill, which was less work and done from home, and welcomed me back with open arms after he had died. Everybody is different, but I actually found it welcome relief to have a two-hour Zoom with people who had no idea about my situation and needed my expertise, before closing down the laptop to go back into the room where my husband was.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Sending you a big hug.

Im so sorry you are going through this, OP. Just to add to others, if you think you are not ready to take sick leave yet, as a manager, id be looking if there was any form of paid special leave you could take in the interim. We have things like emergency dependent leave, carers leave, medical leave etc. Given you say HR are being supportive, perhaps there is a combination of leaves that could work to give you as much time as possible. 💐