Darkest of all nights. I can’t sugar coat this one, it’s been the worst night of my life pain wise by a long way. I’ve had unbelievable pain in my upper back, the sort that makes of practically impossible to take a breath, and my heart rate is through the roof. I’ve had the slow acting morphine and I’ve also had everything else I’m meant to, took what felt like a bunch of oramorph top ups during the night but at a few points was practically still screaming with pain. I think it’s to do with the portacath insertion as the pain is at the back of that and right lung areas at back - is if a blood clot, is it just settling, has it annoyed nerves? Do not know but do know I simply cannot get into any comfortable position at all. Kerr is beside himself and just so worn down by it all. He was up with me a lot but sleeping now.
I’m just so sick of being mutilated, drains coming out of me, making it hard to do anything normal. The swelling in my body is beyond belief, I can hardly take a few steps for the solid feeling in my legs and the distension of my abdomen. I have absolutely no clue how the hell I can possibly do chemo today. It’s at 12pm now, was meant to be 9.30am but got delayed. And yet if I don’t, then what? Nothing gets any better and I die. Maybe I die anyway - I certainly don’t want to carry on enduring this. I just can’t. I am in actual hell, the sort of which I could never imagine possible. I’ve seen a few of my elderly relatives die and it wasn’t like this.
Not going to lie, I prayed for release during the night, I prayed to be taken away from this increasing hell. I wonder constantly if I did the right thing coming here or if I would have been more peaceful at home under hospice care. I am sick of this hospital as lovely as they are. I can’t eat much at all, I’m so grateful for the pain free moments in the day, which I was hoping were becoming more easy to find with medication, but I’m back to before square one and I’m defeated and scared - if morphine doesn’t even work, then what? It also makes me feel sick, despite having anti sickness stuff. I keep thinking that no one would let a dog suffer this. I just want them to help me slip away painlessly now.
Being discharged to friend’s house tomorrow how can I go in this shape? Currently sitting on the edge of the bed not knowing what to do with myself and using writing this down as some sort of futile distraction. Just want to sleep peacefully.