Update. Feel like I’m bombarding you now, but I’m on my own just now with my thoughts. We spoke with Prof B.
Tomorrow is now going to be the operation as it is really complex procedure under general - not endoscopy, it’s open surgery. So happy birthday operation to me for tomorrow - I really hope it’s a good sign that it’s going to be 7/7, always my lucky number.
Latest scans show I now have a main biliary blockage and number of smaller blockages, which is total shit given that I didn’t have those before the monumental fuck up in Antrim (need to stop dwelling on that), and they can only viably stent the main one. It will be open surgery and and I will have external drains, so further surgery on Monday to remove the drains (I think) but anyway, the hope is that it SHOULD be enough to help the jaundice down to a level where I can start chemo (sadly not immunotherapy though until jaundice gone totally), but the chemo should help the jaundice by reducing the tumour and then hopefully everything starts to work and get unblocked better and we can really get on. Got to think positive - jaundice be gone!! No guarantees here, but we do whatever we can. We fight on. We just do. At least they are operating and that’s something.
Hopefully all going well, with everyone’s good thoughts and prayers, chemo is still the plan for mid next week. It’s the only option I have. I’m fully convinced I would have died at home by Monday if I’d stayed there. Even if I’d survived that long, they were going to to the bare minimum and endoscopically stent which Prof B said would have been futile. Enough now though, I need to lose my bitterness and anger and just direct my thoughts to positivity and healing. Tell me off if I complain about the past again, it’s not good for me, I mean it. Let’s not get bitter.
After I have these transfusions (still half way through first, taking ages), Prof B said it’s really vital I stay as active as I can today - a threatening thought as I’m mainly in bed sweating and knackered. So going to have wee visit to the family room along the corridor once I’m de hooked up - there is nice chamomile tea there apparently and I like different teas. He even suggested Kerr take me local for food later - it would need to be very local, like next door! The thought of even sitting a restaurant seems impossible, a madness, but maybe I need to force myself, he said it was actually extremely vital to remain as normal and as possible in all of this. 7 weeks ago I could totally be on board with this, but I’m so knackered now. I do see his point, but seems like an Everest climb today. Will try to see what I can do, within reason, I think back and forth to the family room and the little patio would be enough for me.
So now I get to order lunch. The food is fantastic, all silver served with cloches and whatnot. Over the top really. I wish I felt like eating any of it. Doing my best though. Small and steady.
I’m just spending time with you now as Kerr’s downstairs on the phone to Bupa to make sure we’re fully covered for this and I’m slightly nervous at how long he has been gone. Im hoping he doesn’t walk back in pale and sweating! I’m sure we will be, cancer care is meant to be fully covered, certain all will be ok, he’s been gone about half an hour though.
Right, going to look at the lunch menu now and see if there is anything I could force myself to eat.