Thread for those who have a parent with cancer?

[Fhortu]

I'm just wondering if there is a general one that I've missed, or, if not, if there's any interest in making one?
(I know there's Still the storm for people who have partners with terminal cancer.)

My mum was recently diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer, and I'm sure there are other people here struggling with a parent's diagnosis.

Um has deteriorated over night, she has slept all day and just wakes and talks jibberish for a few seconds then goes back off. Pallative team have been round just checked her over, i guess there isn't anything more than can do right now as she isn't in pain or anything

Chocolatemintbuttons, I'm really sorry.

I’ve noticed a big deterioration the last few days too. Mobility is pretty much non existent now and she’s sleeping a lot which is really worrying. Not eating as much and drinking nowhere near enough. She sun so much pain and they confirmed no treatments will be suitable but they hope to start radiotherapy in the next few weeks to ease pain.

The doctor refused to give timescales but said we should all spend time together. It’s not good, is it?

I’m so scared and worried this will happen sooner than I originally thought. Heartbroken.

It's just utterly heartbreaking for us all.
My mum was actually asked if she wanted to know her life expectancy. She was asked twice. She doesn't want to know. Is this not a good sign?
We don't know if she has months or years left. It's so awful. Thinking of you all ❤️

Has anyone any experience of immunotherapy? My mum is being offered it for advanced melonoma.

@Focalpoint my mum is starting chemotherapy tomorrow and we were told she will also be having immunotherapy. I don't know about it sorry.

I've no experience of it, Focalpoint, but this thread mentions it in relation to melanoma and is very positive about it.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/life_limiting_illness/3635133-only-treating-the-melanoma-why

My whole family seems to be going a bit nuts. All the old niggles and rivalries that you get in a big family are popping up very intensely, and my dad, who's been a functioning alcoholic since long before I was born, got very drunk last night and managed to create a big drama involving all of us. Growing up, there were always bottles hidden round the house, he was banned for drunk driving, and he could turn pretty unpleasant (never violent) some nights, and that was when there wasn't really anything to be stressed by. I dread to think how much he is drinking now. He might be a tool at times but he really loves my mum and hates seeing her like this.

I am so sorry @Chocolatemintbuttons . I wish I had something more profound to say, but it's just utterly shit and you and your mum are in my thoughts.

@Millshake01 and @Muddlebubble I'm sorry you both have reason to be on this thread.

Plodding along here. Work, which normally I love and is my big distraction, has blown up around me and I am projecting all of my anger about DF's most recent prognosis onto a crappy professional situation. Which is neither healthy nor useful, but I am at least self aware enough to know I'm doing it.

My mum started chemotherapy this morning. She had a severe reaction to it and was taken to A&E. she's now on oxygen and needs to have a scan on her heart. I took my dad to the hospital but we were not allowed to see her. I have to call back in an hour and only 1 person can visit tonight. This is just all so shit. My poor mum.

Oh no, sorry to hear that @Millshake01
It’s bloody bad enough, going through this awful situation, without having to deal with extra stress and worry.

Sorry to hear about your situation too @Fhortu

💐 and 🍷 and 🧁 to everyone who needs it.

It's wasn't a reaction it was fluid in her lung which has now been drained. But she's now tested positive for coronavirus.

Oh no @Milkshake01, do you know where she caught it?
I've hit a wall since my brother came over, he went back last might. I stepped away a bit and did nothing but sleep.
My Dad really needs a hospital bed, my mum can't move him easily and she won't tell me when to come around. We keep telling her if she had one, the bed would be doing the heavy lifting but she just looks horrified and asks where she'd put it. Yet moaned all morning to me and DD she had hurt her back helping Dad up. I'm tiring of her attitude and I'm getting snappy. Honestly it's like she's jealous of the attention Dad is getting .
She has a lot of aches and pains, we know that and are sympathetic but she seems to think Dad is just a moan when he says about the pain in his legs. I did ask her the other day if she remembered he has bone cancer as well as tumours on his pelvis and spine. I got a cheery "oh yes"

@Cocolapew I have no idea but I did give her a hug the night before so I hope to god it wasn't me. I did test before I went to see her. And negative.
I'm sorry to hear your mum is being difficult at this time. Maybe this is her way of coping.

I'm terrified of passing anything on to Dad, he's had pneumonia and I had a sore throat so stayed away from him.
Mum is certainly very stressed, they have a funny relationship, they aren't particularly nice to each other sometimes.
I'm very close to my Mum but never was with my Dad, he was away working a lot. I've spent more time with him since May than the last 30 years tbh!

@Lotsofpots funny you say about self awareness / I often feel like a Narrator in my life - observing my feelings & analysing my reactions, being surprised at my depth of feelings having thought myself very logical

@Cocolapew that is so tough with your mum. It's more complexity that you don't need right now. It sounds like you need an airflow mattress hospital bed- dm is in one & is comfortable.
I'm still trying to swallow my own views on petit issues & make sure dm & df are comfortable enough. Feels like dancing on a house of cards sometimes.

I hate the thought of passing on infections too. I take on enormous levels of guilt & it's most annoying!

How's everyone doing?

I'm tired today, mostly from too much wine last night & general waking early & not getting back to sleep. Dm has had catheter trouble & a new nurse just came to change it & was astounded that we had no carers. She's encouraged us to push for more help. Even though there's a lot of us, it's not really enough to be sustainable.

I read a thread of someone who'd been given 3 months with a brain tumour & was still there a year later. It really panicked me. There's no way we could cope with this going on for a year. My dad is so broken & tired. There are times when she seems almost herself & other times where she's completely spaced out & not with us.

My dad is the same @buckeejit, he was very spaced out today. He talks about random stuff or sits with his eyes closed singing, then asks a perfectly sensible question.
He asked me today what did I think he'd look like when he's dead , I replied "ashy" and he cracked up laughing, thankfully.
I was round doing the cleaning this morning and he was just getting up. It was awful, he looked really weary, he was struggling to walk, even with the frame and when he was having his cereal his hands were shaking.
I wish he would just die peacefully, I can't bear the deterioration.
There's someone coming next week to assess for carers, the district nurse put the request in yesterday.
I hope everyone is able to find some peace and rest

Mum has an infection on her lung 😩
She's on iv antibiotics. The second covid test came back positive. She's in a covid ward so we can't see her. Absolutely heartbreaking. I have taken dad twice now and we sat outside the ward desperately hoping for a peek of her. They wouldn't bring her to to glass panelled door to see us as they were worried she might get confused. Apparently she is telling the staff that her husband is picking her up to take her home. We are desperately hoping she can come home next week 🙏

Oh no @Milkshake01, it's so much worse when you can't see them.
Fingers crossed she gets home soon 🤞

@Cocolapew omg this is the worst situation ever 😩
We desperately want to just see her and my poor dad. It's just awful

I can just imagine, my Dad was let out of hospital in June just as the ward stopped visits so we were lucky in that sense.
Are you able to do a video visit? I saw them advertised when my Dad was in.

I still can't believe or accept that I'm in a position to join this thread.

Sorry to all, none of us want to be in this club.

@Millshake01 that is sooo hard on you & just what we've been hoping to avoid. Hoping some sort of FaceTime visit happens for you soon or even better if she can be released.

@Cocolapew fingers crossed you get a care package sorted & mobility aids. The deterioration is so difficult & it feels that as soon as you've come to terms with something awful, there's a new dip & another hurdle to overcome. Is your mum any more accepting of a hospital bed? It would make such a difference to his comfort level. Many people just put them in the living room if there's nowhere else.

Nurse came today & said catheter isn't working as mum's body is shutting down & not to feed her much & only give sips of water. I came back & heard this & was 'wtf?!' Really hoping she dies peacefully soon but simultaneously aghast at a nurse saying this! Cousin has finally told mum's sister who is also bedbound & who's husband died 3 weeks ago. She was very upset naturally but they've really left it too late now to FaceTime or anything as mum wouldn't be capable & her eyesight is gone now too.

Wishing everyone continued strength to get through these dark times. I'm now struggling with the nights getting darker, things are moving too slowly and too fast all at once

Blimey @buckeejit that’s bloody awful. We treat animals better than this.
I’m so sorry.

God that's awful @buckeejit, I never heard of someone being denied food, I'm so sorry, I hope your mum is pain free.
Things haven't been great this end either. Dad fell again this morning getting out of the shower, he went to sit on a folding chair which shot away from him and he fell backwards hitting his head. Mum was with him and I was in the kitchen. The noise of him falling was awful.
I told mum to cover him while I went to get DH to get him up.
His stomach is very distended, that's only been in the last few days. He also has a lump appeared on his face, sort of under the skin on his cheek bone.
I was cleaning the commode bucket out this morning and there was no poo in it, only a clear jelly like mucus.
Sending strength to everyone for the week ahead.