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Thread for those who have a parent with cancer?

974 replies

Fhortu · 25/08/2021 13:50

I'm just wondering if there is a general one that I've missed, or, if not, if there's any interest in making one?
(I know there's Still the storm for people who have partners with terminal cancer.)

My mum was recently diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer, and I'm sure there are other people here struggling with a parent's diagnosis.

OP posts:
Winterfairy23 · 16/09/2021 05:45

@Cocolapew glad your dad’s scan turned out ok and glad your brother is on the way. Must be a stressful time for you all.

My mum has had a fall too and her mobility seems to have dramatically reduced in the past 3 or 4 days. We have a new appointment scheduled but I’m worried about what else might change before then. It seems to be such a fast deterioration.

Originally I was hoping we’d have until next summer, then a few weeks ago I’m thinking ok let’s get to Christmas and now I’m doubting that the way things are going.

The doctors and nurses have been amazing when we’ve seen them but, ultimately, we’ve known for 6 weeks about this diagnosis and other than give her stronger pain relief, nothing else has been done. I’m scared by the time they get round to it it’ll be too late. The consultant said himself that the nhs is broken just now.

Sending 💐 to everyone else just now too.

Cocolapew · 16/09/2021 08:28

I'm sorry to hear that @Winterfairy23.
He tried to get up 3 times last night and refuses to pee in his pull up even though they usually have poo in them. I've ordered a bottle from Argos..
He seems so much weaker at night, is anyone else finding that?
He has a very disturbed sleep, lots of talking and moaning.
I had just over an hours sleep, this isn't doable for more than a week or so.

ElizaCrempog · 16/09/2021 11:46

I've been lurking on this thread but would like to join if that's ok? I'm so sorry there are so many going through this...
My Dad has just been diagnosed with cancer again, 20 years after beating lung cancer. He now has a tumour in his chest in a place which is incredibly hard to access, and lung mets. They're going to attempt a biopsy of the tumour but it looks unlikely that surgery will be possible. Like another poster at the beginning of the thread, things are made more difficult as my Mum has dementia and my Dad does most of the cooking, cleaning and housework. My Mum struggle to do the most basic tasks and no longer drives. She certainly wouldn't be able to take take care of things on a day to day basis, let alone look after my Dad.

Everything seems to be taking so long. It's been three months so far since the initial referral and whilst he has had CT, MRI and ultrasound scans, the biopsy isn't until the end of Sept and then there will obviously be a further wait for results and discussion of options. At the same time, my husband is waiting for results of an MRI - he had mouth cancer 10 years ago and there are some concerns over a couple of areas in his mouth and some bleeding he has been having lately.
I know I'll be better once we have some answers and plans to go forward with, but right now it's really getting to me.

Fhortu · 16/09/2021 14:56

Im deeply ashamed to say that sometimes I even feel a tiny bit of relief when I hear about someone younger than DF dying, as if it alleviates some of his tragedy somewhat. Which is a shitty thing to admit, and not something I consciously do or take pleasure in.

Lotsofpots, I do the same comparing game. When I'm walking my dogs, we go through a graveyard to get to the footpath. I find myself scanning the graves, and comparing their ages to my mum's, establishing whether they were lucky or unlucky - i.e. got more or less life than she is likely to get. I'm early 30s, and also find myself reminding myself that I have several friends who lost parents in their teens, and that they got through it, so I should be able to as well.
I'm very sorry you had bad news about your dad's treatment.

Cocolapew it sounds like a nightmare. I know it's not as simple as this, but try to get some sleep. You can't run on when you're exhausted.

Winterfairy23, its awful how slow things move. Fingers crossed the next appointment goes okay and things speed up a bit.

Elizacrempog of course you can join. That all sounds hugely difficult, and the waiting is awful. Do you live nearby?

My oldest brother is continuing to be a grasping, selfish arsehole about everything. His idea of helping mum is to freely offer to do a task and then try and delegate it to me (in a really domineering way) when the time comes to actually do it. I'm so annoyed with him.

OP posts:
buckeejit · 16/09/2021 18:52

@Fhortu bat that shit right back at your bro. How infuriating!

Sorry to hear of everyone's bad news & hard times. This shit sucks. I've been away from the thread as I've also just felt sick of being constantly sad. After a zen week thinking I'm just going to do everything I can, I'm just really tired of it all now & tbh, don't really see the point of my mum living for much longer with a body that's mostly stopped working - confined to a bed, being fed & cleaned is not much of a life. All the random childish thoughts aren't helpful but I think it's good to acknowledge them & recognise that life isn't fair. I've also started getting worried that while we're all focusing on dm, who logically has had a very blessed long life, someone else will get sick or die while we're looking the other way.

I've practically ignored my own little family unit for the last month & feel like we've all manoeuvred ourselves into a corner by having one of the family there 24/7. I don't know how long this is sustainable for. The split of time is not equitable. I've stated that I'm leaving at 4pm on Sat as going to a farewell dinner for a friend that's moving to Canada & don't want to miss it.

I can't believe that at some stage this will be over & there will be a massive chasm of time available & a funeral to go through. It feels like running an emotional marathon & I have no idea what kind of feelings are going to come along next. I do know that I need some time away from my family & I'm going to have to book in for some counselling after this!

Chocolatemintbuttons · 17/09/2021 22:03

The emotional marathon feeling is very familiar…
Today the doctors told mum that they think dad has weeks rather than months. I bloody hate this, it’s so horrible. Poor dad, he really wants to come home but I don’t think mum feels able to care for him there.

I feel crap because the burden would be on her, but even so I still had a fleeting thought that it’s really harsh to essentially say ‘no, you’ve had your last time in your own home’. Very unfair of me.

I’m hoping to visit tomorrow.

Cocolapew · 17/09/2021 23:51

I'm sorry for your bad news @Chocolatemintbuttons, I hope you manage to see your dad tomorrow.
My Mum has started to say that she's not going to be able to care for my Dad, his mobility has decreased a lot this week, I can see him being bed bound very shortly. I'm happy to stay in their house but I suppose we'll need to see. Dad has been referred to the hospice.
The GP dealing for him is great, she gave me a sick line for 4 weeks and said just to get another if needed.
She organised a commode for him and I picked it up yesterday. I took DD2 with me to put it in the house, my mum is dead funny about equipment coming in so DD2 was my back up.
She did say today that it couldn't have came at a better time, Dad was able to slide off the bed and use it last night.
My brother is coming tomorrow until Wednesday, so I'm glad he'll be there at night.
I thought today the spark had gone out of my Dad, he looked very weary.
I hope everyone has a peaceful weekend ❤️

loubieloo4 · 18/09/2021 05:37

We have a thread for this called 'still the storm' feel free to join once you are ready.

I also have my own thread (a diary of sorts) 'dh stage 4 he was only 39 when diagnosed with bowel cancer, feel free to come and ask questions.

Winterfairy23 · 18/09/2021 07:29

@Cocolapew I could have written your post myself pretty much. I’ve also been signed off for 4 weeks and we’re waiting on equipment arriving, including a commode. Mobility has been a real challenge these past few days in particular. I really feel for you.

@loubieloo4 I have read the thread about you and your husband already. I haven’t checked it this past week as things have been so busy but I’ll catch up soon and hope you’re all ok.

Chocolatemintbuttons · 18/09/2021 22:44

Dad died this afternoon. I was on my way to visit. Ended up making a bloody show of myself kneeling on the pavement gasping when mum rang. Went to see him and held his hand.

I can’t believe it tbh.

Cocolapew · 18/09/2021 22:58

Oh no @Chocolatemintbuttons I'm so very sorry Flowers

ElizabethTudor · 18/09/2021 23:01

Oh no, I’m so very sorry @Chocolatemintbuttons
Thinking of you and your family 💐

Millshake01 · 18/09/2021 23:11

My beautiful mother has been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. I'm absolutely devastated. She didn't want to know how long she has. I went to see her today. She doesn't look well at all, she starts chemotherapy on Wednesday. I'm struggling to stay strong for her

Cocolapew · 18/09/2021 23:17

Im sorry for your sad news @Millshake01, do you live near your mum?

Millshake01 · 18/09/2021 23:27

@Cocolapew yes I do. I visited her today and the look in her eyes is scaring me. Her eyes are glazed over.

Cocolapew · 18/09/2021 23:29

I'm glad you're close by. It's very frightening seeing your parent ill x

Cocolapew · 19/09/2021 11:56

I hope you are ok today @Chocolatemintbuttons, thinking of you Flowers

Millshake01 · 19/09/2021 12:50

@Chocolatemintbuttons I'm so sorry ♥️

buckeejit · 19/09/2021 13:40

@Chocolatemintbuttons I'm so sorry, what a shock for you. Wishing you strength to get through the next few days.

@Millshake01 I'm sorry for your sad news. It's a lot to come to terms with & your emotions will likely be all over the place for a while. Just go easy on yourself

@Cocolapew ask about a steady if your dad is still wanting to move around rooms, it was great for us albeit just for a couple of weeks. I knew my mum needed to be in bed but it was still a massively depressing adjustment for us all that she couldn't sit round the table. A grab rail for the bed may help too & be easy to supply from the trust.

@loubieloo4 thanks for checking in here, I've lurked a bit on the still the storm thread & it's lovely to see the honest chat there which i find is generally lacking in real life. As a society we seem to be rubbish at being open about these difficult times.

Things just ticking over at my end. Stressful week with one extreme to the other with bowel movements & hoping things settle down this week. Family dynamics are tense & think everyone just needs a bit of relief. Which in itself sounds selfish but it's such a big change from normal life to this constant caring. I've had a dryer few days of crying & managed to join a group of cold water swimmers this morning for a quick dip which was nice. I've been making new soups for my folks to eat something healthy but the other people keep eating them too, grrr!

Muddlebubble · 19/09/2021 16:02

Hi everyone, so glad i found this chat.

Mum is 65 diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer last October.
Been through the chemo etc but now on just home pallative care.
It has spread to her brain and it's just making her comfortable now.
The last week she had gone down hill alot, sleeping alot, not eating much realky breathless its bloody awful

Millshake01 · 19/09/2021 16:24

@Muddlebubble I'm so sorry. Hugs to you..
My mum has just been diagnosed with lung cancer. It's just so awful. I'm desperately hoping she has a few months with us..

Muddlebubble · 19/09/2021 16:37

@Millshake01 im sorry you are all gping through this, i must say the treatment was amazing at working, unfortunately it created a autoimmune disease in mum so she had to stop! The immunotherapy also made her very ill. The 3 months she had a break it had spread very quick to her brain, very unfair x

Chocolatemintbuttons · 19/09/2021 17:00

Thank you everyone, even though we knew it was coming, I really thought we had a bit longer.
Sending you all love- it’s a horrible situation to navigate.

buckeejit · 19/09/2021 18:37

@Muddlebubble that is tough. Thanks

For you & others going through palliative care with loved ones, I wanted to recommend an episode of griefcast - there's a few good ones with experts in the field of dying, but particularly episode number 91-Kathryn Mannix who is a palliative care doctor (number 92 is a death doula which is quite good too).

RobinsEggBlue · 19/09/2021 22:54

@Chocolatemintbuttons what a terrible shock for you, I’m so sorry for your loss.

My dad had been doing well on chemo but got an infection so has had two weeks in hospital. He’s home now and I was planning to visit but he’s very weak and my mum is so worried about him picking something else up. Not sure when he will be strong enough to restart chemo. Feels like this is the beginning of many stays in hospital and just feels shit.