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Original poster

Thread for those who have a parent with cancer?

974 replies

Fhortu · 25/08/2021 13:50

I'm just wondering if there is a general one that I've missed, or, if not, if there's any interest in making one?
(I know there's Still the storm for people who have partners with terminal cancer.)

My mum was recently diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer, and I'm sure there are other people here struggling with a parent's diagnosis.

OP posts:
Bluemat · 22/02/2023 12:18

Badger1970 · 22/02/2023 11:54

It's so bittersweet isn't it, you want it to be over for them as you can't bear seeing the suffering but the thought of them not being here fills you with complete panic. Those last few days sat with Dad were honestly unbearable even though it was a relief when he at last settled and was medicated well.

Have they set up the syringe driver?

Yes the syringe driver was set up on Monday, he's still been agitated though.

It is bittersweet - I just cannot bear much more of this.

Bluemat · 22/02/2023 17:30

He's been talking a little today. Some of it is jumbled and not clear, some of it I've known what he was trying to say. He's getting aggressive when he wants to get out of bed and he cannot understand why we aren't letting him. He's never been an aggressive man so it is upsetting to see.

Badger1970 · 22/02/2023 17:45

It's awful seeing someone you love act so out of character, but know it's not your Dad, it's all the horrible toxins inside flooding his system. Can you ask to talk to the Doctors about the dosing? It's OK to keep asking questions especially if your Dad is suffering.

I think this was one of the worst parts for me that even on a syringe driver, we had to keep shouting for him.

Bluemat · 22/02/2023 17:57

I've looked at the driver to see what dosage he's on and to be honest it's not a lot. But I don't want him drugged up to his eyeballs.

@Badger1970 can I ask how long your dad was in hospice care for?

Badger1970 · 22/02/2023 18:26

He had 4 weeks in a hospice, and then 3 weeks in the nursing home but still under the care of the palliative care consultant.

I'd say his active dying was 2 weeks - he'd already stopped eating, but stopped all fluids about 7 days before he died. The agitation was the worst part by far, the trying to get up out of a chair or bed and move. He was supposed to go onto the syringe driver on the Monday but it ended up being Wednesday and he then passed away on Friday afternoon.

Dad was on a really low dose of morphine but needed the Midazolam and levomepromazine more.

Bluemat · 22/02/2023 19:05

My dad is on 10mg of morphine and 10mg of midazolam. He's actually had a lot to drink today for some reason as he's been refusing for days, he's not eaten for a few days.

His urine is an awful colour - but he's been like he is now for at least the last two weeks at home before going into hospice.

Badger1970 · 22/02/2023 19:37

I'd mention the agitation and see if they can alter the dose when they change the syringe over. The dose increments are quite small usually and he shouldn't be over medicated.

Bluemat · 22/02/2023 19:44

I have mentioned the agitation- today when there was only me there with him he tried to get out of bed and luckily the bed was alarmed. I had to bear hug him and ask him to give me a hug back to stop him. Later on his aggression was awful, he obviously feels like he needs to use the toilet and gets so mad that we're stopping him.

Badger1970 · 22/02/2023 19:56

Yes Dad was most agitated to use a pad but he was simply incapable of getting out of bed and he wasn't even passing urine. But obviously the urge was in his head.

Bluemat · 23/02/2023 08:15

They're not even using pads. He has a catheter fitted but they seem to think he won't open his bowels because he's not eating - i think he still is getting the urge to go.

Badger1970 · 23/02/2023 09:25

That sounds a bit odd, @Bluemat and no wonder your Dad is agitated.

They never mentioned catheters for Dad, they used a urine bottle in the bed until he got past that and then he had a pad. They changed the pad and his position every couple of hours.

Bluemat · 23/02/2023 13:24

My dad passed away this morning, I'm broken hearted - he looks so peaceful though. I can't believe it was the 1st February this all started and now he's gone

Badger1970 · 23/02/2023 13:32

@Bluemat I'm so sorry - what an awful few weeks you've had. I'm glad your Dad looked peaceful though Flowers

Bluemat · 23/02/2023 14:34

Thankyou @Badger1970 you've been so helpful and support to me these last few weeks x

unicornsarereal72 · 23/02/2023 18:22

@Bluemat I'm so sorry to hear your dad has passed away. You could not of done anymore for him. And were his champion. Hold on to your wonderful memories you will always have those. And be kind to yourself in time you will be able to remember happier times. Do seek out support to get you through this difficult time. X

Badger1970 · 23/02/2023 18:41

@Bluemat my pleasure. I'm just sad that we've all found a place on this thread.

We have had permission today from the Vicar to inter Dad's ashes into our village churchyard, even though he only lived here briefly. It's comforting knowing that I can walk past his final resting place and say hello when I walk the dogs every day.

Bluemat · 23/02/2023 20:19

This thread has been such a supprt to me these last three weeks. I just can't believe it was three weeks yesterday that we found out about the cancer.

Today should have been the appointment with his consultant- the appointment was at the time he passed away, you couldn't make this up!

ButnotforLola · 23/02/2023 20:31

@Bluemat
Sending my love to you and your family
Your Dad would be so proud of all that you tried to do for him.

AllBellyandBoobs · 23/02/2023 23:35

@Bluemat so sorry to hear about your Dad. He is at peace now, you did him proud by showing up and being there. Make sure you look after yourself and give yourself time to process all that has happened x

Focalpoint · 23/02/2023 23:40

@Bluemat sorry to hear the news about your dad. Hope you get a chance for some proper rest and can find some space to take care of yourself the next few days.

Downstair · 27/02/2023 17:58

You did your father proud @Bluemat What a terribly traumatic time for you all. Sending you much love.

Badger1970 · 27/02/2023 19:04

@Bluemat how are you doing x

Bluemat · 27/02/2023 20:25

I'm still trying to process it if I'm honest. Yesterday was hard because I didn't have things to organise. My heart just aches and at the moment I just want my dad

Badger1970 · 01/03/2023 12:27

I'm nearly 5 weeks in, and still having moments where it doesn't seem real. I can't believe I won't ever hear his voice again.

I've found the family support through the hospice a lifeline. It's really good to let it out to someone who doesn't know you, if that makes sense.

backtoitin40s · 13/03/2023 21:38

I wonder if this thread is still live? I wanted some advice re chemo & 'success' - if it hadn't shrunk tumours, but they've not grown or spread either.. is this 'success'??