Thread for those who have a parent with cancer?

[Fhortu]

I'm just wondering if there is a general one that I've missed, or, if not, if there's any interest in making one?
(I know there's Still the storm for people who have partners with terminal cancer.)

My mum was recently diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer, and I'm sure there are other people here struggling with a parent's diagnosis.

I've sobbed my heart out tonight because I've left him there alone. I knew today would be difficult for me, I felt better when he was at home- now I feel like I've abandoned him and I should still be fighting for something for him.

@Bluemat you've done what's right for your Dad and not for you. That's the sign of a very loving daughter/family and he won't feel abandoned by you whatsoever. That's in your head, not his.

I think the lines went from Dad's face the day he went into the hospice, and I'm sure it was because he felt safe there. Treasure every moment you get together - the hospice staff told us it was really important to let Dad rest at times and were forceful to boot us home to rest too. They're experts - let them guide you all

I felt the same way when I first left my mum at hospice. I saw how they cared for her though and knew she wouldn't have wanted sat there all day and night. I didn't sleep well at all, I won't lie, but I dozed during the day whilst sitting by her side. Your dad is in the best place, with the best people, and you need to pace yourself xx

I'm having the day off visiting today. I'm not coping now he is in there, even though I know it is the right place for him.

I need a day to sleep, gather my thoughts and have some strength for the coming days. We haven't been told a timescale yet but I think the nurses don't think it will be long. He's actually had a settled night and got out of bed to use the toilet!

Dad had a brief surge of energy due to the right medication, and you're really right to put yourself first today.

I'm so sorry, most of us on this thread know the horror you're living. Be kind to yourself - there is no rulebook or instructions for how to get through this

The nurse did say yesterday to me often patients 'perk up' before going downhill. I got the impression she was telling me this is what was happening.

I work in care and I know what happens, I guess it's something we don't want to believe is going to happen to our loved ones. I feel incredibly guilty that I haven't visited today but the last three weeks have taken their toll. And I know I need more energy for what's to come next 😢

Apparently he's had a fall this evening 😢 he's been checked over and is ok.

I don't know how you cope with the worrying and waiting it's horrendous. My DF is only in his mid 60's he's not even old, I feel complete dispair.

I think Dad's last few weeks were just so awful that I really don't know how I got through it, looking back. But I did, somehow, and you will too.

Dad had a few falls in the hospice, and in the nursing home - as his liver failed, the toxins flooded his brain robbing him of coherent thought, and he just forgot that his legs didn't work anymore. That part was really tough

I think that's where my dad is at now. I'm going tomorrow to visit but I honestly don't know if I can bear it.
My wonderful dad should still be enjoying life.

They're putting in a syringe driver today - that means the end for me 😢 they said he's not having much pain relief so I'm struggling to understand why they're using one.

I've worked in care and have done end of life care in my job - a syringe driver were the words I was dreading to hear.

@bluemat it wasn't just pain relief that Dad had in his syringe, it was more in terms of sedation and muscle relaxants so he wasn't distressed. I think it's more to ease the terminal agitation although Dad also had a really low dose of morphine in with it. Oddly enough, he was never in a lot of obvious pain - his symptoms were more to do with the build up of liver toxins in his brain that caused him such distress.

They also explained that they use a syringe driver if someone needs more than 2 injected doses a day to keep the dosages consistent and avoid the drop levels. Keep taking a deep breath and take this moment by moment

I think this situation is exactly the same as yours dads. He's had relaxants and doesn't seem to need much morphine.

My dad is very agitated and still keeps sitting up at random times saying he's got to get up. He got cross with my mum and told her to stop holding him back.

For some reason he is listening to me and I asked him to lay down for me and rest - I said he doesn't have to be anywhere. He told me he's sick of resting then lay down.

My Dad was the same and they had to increase the midazolam for this - it was really upsetting to watch, as he just didn't know what he wanted. He kept throwing the bed covers off, and in the end they just put a sheet over him as I think it was the weight bothering him rather than the warmth.

Don't be afraid to speak up if he's not getting the right dosage. They put a 24 hour dose in the syringe but they can top this up by injection if they need to. We had to sign something saying we'd asked for it before the nurse would administer it though.

Bluemat - I'm so sorry that your family is now going through this horrible time.

I echo Badger1970 by saying that he might need his Midazolam increased. They did the same with my Dad and it helped so much.

Before I left I told them that he was really agitated and I think they have him something more. He was throwing covers off and trying to get out the bed - he's never been one for staying in bed so I understand what he's doing and why.

His eyes are glazed now when he opens them and he was trying to look at me but he was looking right through me.

Every day is heartbreaking but I don't want my dad to leave me. Three weeks ago when he was diagnosed he told me he wasn't ready to leave us all, now he's in a hospice on end of life care - life is an absolute bitch

The palliative care nurse said it's really common and something to do with failing temperature regulation as the body shuts down.

This has been so brutally quick for you all @Bluemat - you must be reeling.

Devastated doesn't even come close to how I'm feeling. He's 64 it's no age. This is something I don't think I will ever get over.

Watching this is traumatic, how has he declined so quickly?

I think liver cancer is particularly brutal

No change today from yesterday he actually seemed a little more aware of things today and told me he'd just had a shave after he'd had one.

I know the deterioration is coming - again im fine when I'm there with him it's when I come home it hits me, last night I couldn't sleep I was convinced my phone was going to ring.

I know there are likely to be days left still and hearing others experiences is helping me on here.

I think it is too it seems to be aggressive

I remember that feeling at night only too well. I'd just lie there thinking they'd ring at any moment.

Try to let your head empty of it all and rest. My counsellor showed me a way of breathing where you inhale, then let your breath out and count - 5 breaths in, 6 breaths out. It demands all of your attention to do, and really helps block things out even if for a few moments.

I did the breathing thing a few nights ago it did help.

I'm so grateful he is here for another day - yet I'm heartbroken he's still here and suffering.

I've barely slept again - I try to sleep but I'm awake most of the night waiting for my phone to ring.

It's so bittersweet isn't it, you want it to be over for them as you can't bear seeing the suffering but the thought of them not being here fills you with complete panic. Those last few days sat with Dad were honestly unbearable even though it was a relief when he at last settled and was medicated well.

Have they set up the syringe driver?