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Original poster

Thread for those who have a parent with cancer?

974 replies

Fhortu · 25/08/2021 13:50

I'm just wondering if there is a general one that I've missed, or, if not, if there's any interest in making one?
(I know there's Still the storm for people who have partners with terminal cancer.)

My mum was recently diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer, and I'm sure there are other people here struggling with a parent's diagnosis.

OP posts:
marlus · 17/01/2023 22:11

Badger1970 my lovely dad is a man of strong opinions and I think he’s told me in the past that he wouldn’t want to go against nature, but I will have the conversation about that when the time is right. Thanks for giving me that insight though and I’m so sorry to hear that about your dad - at least it sounds like he isn’t suffering anymore.

unicornsarereal72 · 18/01/2023 07:11

@marlus my dad has the same cancer as yours. He had the brain tumour removed in sept. The king cancer is doing its thing. He had some chemo we don't know how that has affected things. We will know more next week after a scan. He is dying. But we have had great few months when he has been able to enjoy family. Get his affairs in order etc. I hope your dad can also have this time.
@Badger1970 you are in my thoughts I hope your dad is comfortable and you can be with him as much as possible.

As for assisted dying. This needs to be talked about more. And done well can give people control when all seems impossible. End of life is a lot of suffering and heart ache.

marlus · 18/01/2023 13:14

unicornsarereal72 did he already have both cancers when he was diagnosed? My dad's brain tumour is very big already, and I don't think they can remove it, but the hope is for a few good months still, so that we can have the time you describe. I'm really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow!

unicornsarereal72 · 18/01/2023 14:43

My dad was taken into hospital back in the summer when he couldn't get out of bed. It was then we were told primary cancer in lung. Secondary was the brain tumour. Which caused a lot of problems. They were able to remove most of it so the past few months he has been home. Able to potter about and go out here and there. He is deteriorating. No strengthen or energy and sleeps a lot. But feel we have been very lucky to have this time with him. We will know more once he has had scan and what the prognosis is. I know we will be at the stage badger is at. over next few months though.

AllBellyandBoobs · 18/01/2023 21:13

Hi, my mum also has lung cancer with brain mets. She has multiple small metastases so they can't be removed. Her lung cancer was diagnosed as a result of symptoms caused by the brain tumours. They tried chemo and immunotherapy but she reacted badly to the immunotherapy so that has been stopped.
Diagnosis was June and I didn't think she would see this Christmas but she is still with us, still at home and just about managing without care. We don't have a prognosis as yet, we haven't asked. It's incredibly difficult seeing her deteriorate, but some days are better than others and I try and be thankful for them.

marlus · 19/01/2023 10:42

Thanks both, it sounds like the time we have could be longer than I thought - your mum must be a strong lady Allbellyandboobs. It would be amazing if my dad got to have another summer, but I’m not counting on it…

Heli1copter · 19/01/2023 19:22

Hello I've just found this thread after a depressing day. My DDad was taken into hospital earlier and I'm waiting to hear how he is and what's going on.

He was diagnosed with prostate cancer 4 years ago, had treatment and seemed to be doing pretty well living a fairly normal life until about 6 weeks ago when he started getting back pain. Since then its got worse and worse and he's been for umpteen tests, scans and check ups but not had any treatment just basic prescription for pain relief.

Today he was so weak at a GP appointment they sent him to our local cancer ward as an inpatient. I have no information and very worried for him. Just finding this thread has made me feel less alone, although I'm so sorry for everyone else going through this too.

unicornsarereal72 · 19/01/2023 19:25

@Heli1copter I hope you get some news soon. My dads cancer care has been amazing. So I am sure your dad is in good hands.

AllBellyandBoobs · 19/01/2023 20:21

@marlus she is certainly stubborn 😂 She reacted terribly to the immunotherapy, ended up in hospital, severe colitis, and she is still having side effects from it now. But, the last scans showed some shrinkage in both the lung and brain tumours.
The thing I have learned from talking to others is that even with the same diagnosis, everyone reacts very differently to the cancer and the treatment. It's an absolute rollercoaster. Try and enjoy the good days when they are there, and prepare yourself to get through the bad days. We found ourselves agreeing to a DNR for mum with an emergency medicine consultant, while she rapidly deteriorated in a hospital bed, to taking her away for a lovely weekend 6 or 7 weeks later.
I am sorry that so many others are going through this. And thoughts are with those whose parents are closer to the end.

Heli1copter · 19/01/2023 21:41

Thank you @unicornsarereal72 I hope so too

Its the not knowing which I find so hard. Fingers crossed for some info tomorrow

ButnotforLola · 22/01/2023 11:17

Hello everyone,
I hope you are all ok.

Dad passed away on Friday night with my husband and I by his side.
It was very peaceful and I'm so grateful that I got to be with him over the past week.
Absolutely devastated.

Wishing all of you and your loved ones lots of love.

AllBellyandBoobs · 22/01/2023 14:28

@ButnotforLola Sorry to read your news. I am glad to hear your dad had a peaceful death and that you were with him. Look after yourself now, losing a parent, regardless of your own age, is a difficult thing to come to terms with. Love to you and all who loved your dad

unicornsarereal72 · 22/01/2023 17:24

@ButnotforLola so sorry to hear your update. I'm pleased it was peaceful and you were able to be with him. Take very good care of yourself x

Heli1copter · 22/01/2023 19:44

@butnotforLola I'm so sorry to hear this. Sending you love and strength Flowers

My dad was given a blood transfusion and sent home for the weekend but has been having nosebleeds on and off for 4 days now so he'll be back in hospital tomorrow. I think he's not telling me everything yet as he was discharged with a thick envelope of letters and notes.

Badger1970 · 22/01/2023 21:00

@ButnotforLola I'm so sorry, but it's good to hear that it was peaceful and you were there. Take care of yourself Flowers

Badger1970 · 22/01/2023 21:01

I'm still battling for Dad's care and medication. We've had a horrendous weekend and I'd have gone mad if not for the amazing palliative care consultant who rang the home and gave them what for on my behalf.

I think I'll be 6 foot under before Dad at this rate Sad who is holding on for dear life and showing few signs of the fight leaving him. How his body is still going is beyond me at this point.

unicornsarereal72 · 23/01/2023 07:28

@Badger1970 what a very difficult few months you have had. I'm sorry to hear the care your dad is getting isn't adequate. So pleased to hear you have the consultant on side. Hope you have a more peaceful few days x

Badger1970 · 25/01/2023 20:15

Dad's still with us. Agitated in parts but mainly peaceful. Still battling the home for adequate pain relief. We've worked out that they may be "experts" in end of life but not for cancer patients, a carer admitted that Dad's the first one they've seen in there and she's been there several years. I never thought I'd say this but I'm wondering if hospital would have been a better environment for him - at least they would have had the experience with cancer end of life.

marlus · 25/01/2023 22:07

Badger1970 it’s good that your dad is mostly peaceful but it must be very distressing that he isn’t getting quite the right care.

i spent some time with my dad in my home country, and we had some amazing talks, cried together etc. He had his lung tumour biopsy today and went home with my brother.

It’s difficult to find him a good long-term place, though, especially as it takes 6 weeks to get an assessment of the level of care he needs. Any advice on how to find the right provider?

On the positive side, we have found a hospice and have had some heartbreaking conversations about assisted dying and his wishes are now quite clear. He is coping amazingly well, and the change in relationship with him, my brothers and my aunt is a real gift. Fingers crossed that we get some positive results next week, although he’s not sure he wants to go for any of the treatments (radiation, chemo, immunotherapy) if they’re likely to make him really I’ll. Does anyone have experience of this at around his age (early 80s)?

Badger1970 · 25/01/2023 22:34

They did talk about immunotherapy with Dad but when the Consultant Oncologist saw Dad in person, they realised he was too unwell and honestly told us that the treatment would probably kill him before the cancer. Maybe that would have been kinder though...

In regards of palliative care and any kind of home/hospice, I'd make sure that they have experience of treating patients with your Dad's kind of cancer. And that they have easy access to Doctors, I was really shocked that the hospice Dad was in is staffed by nurses. Some days, there wasn't a Dr on site at all and on the best day it was 9 to 5. It's no fun watching your loved one writhe in agony and need morphine that someone off site needs to approve......

marlus · 26/01/2023 08:34

Gosh, that sounds tough! Good point regarding the doctors. I’d have thought that at least a hospice, which deals with agony and the need for morphine at least regularly, would have a better arrangement in place! When your dad is peaceful, is that because he’s had morphine or because the pain comes and goes. Hopefully the assisted dying plan we’re working on with my dad will mean that when he starts to suffer it won’t be for long.

Badger1970 · 28/01/2023 09:10

Dad passed away quietly just after I'd left him yesterday.

A brutal end for a gentle and decent man.

God I miss him Sad

Heli1copter · 28/01/2023 12:04

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

AllBellyandBoobs · 28/01/2023 13:06

@Badger1970 sorry for your loss, and that his final weeks weren't what you would have hoped for. You fought for him and loved him, I hope you can take comfort from that.

unicornsarereal72 · 28/01/2023 15:31

@Badger1970 you couldn't have done more. You made sure he was safe and cared for when he needed you most. Be proud of all you have done. I really hope you can take some time for yourself over the next few months and process all that has happened.