Thread for those who have a parent with cancer?

[Fhortu]

I'm just wondering if there is a general one that I've missed, or, if not, if there's any interest in making one?
(I know there's Still the storm for people who have partners with terminal cancer.)

My mum was recently diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer, and I'm sure there are other people here struggling with a parent's diagnosis.

@Badger1970 I'm so sorry for your loss.
Please take comfort that you couldn't have done anymore for him. You fought for him and he would be so proud of you.
Be kind to yourself. Take time. I'm a week in and it's tough at times.

Thank you all for your kindness.

I feel so utterly and completely lost today. For the last 6 months, every day has involved seeing Dad, helping Dad and getting medical care for Dad in some way shape or form. Now there's just silence and nothing. It's surreal.

Badger1970 I'm so sorry for your loss. You sounded like the best daughter, advocating and doing what you could for him. No wonder you feel lost, is there anything you can do over the coming days that you haven't had the time for, and that will give you some space to grieve?

@Badger1970 how are you.doing today? Hope you're finding time to take care of yourself

My DF starts a new round of chemo tomorrow. I took him to his blood test appointment today as he's very weak and can't walk far alone. I'm a bit stressed about how much time off work I'm going to need in the coming weeks but I don't want DF having to rely on taxis for his appointments

I went back to work today, as I couldn't face sitting staring at the walls. My sister and I went to the undertaker yesterday to arrange a direct cremation, and we're going to interr his ashes into his parents' grave in the village where he (and we) grew up. I think we're both too bruised to face dealing with extended family. I've booked to register his death as well. I also saw a bereavement counsellor today via the hospice, who told me that this numbness is very normal and just to take things slowly over the coming weeks.

My very lovely DD suggested gently that a haircut may make me feel better - I've not been for nearly 6 months as I just didn't have time to. And my hair is not better for it... I look like I've been stranded on a desert island for 6 months

@Badger1970 sorry for your loss 💐

Just a year on from losing my mum to an aggressive brain tumour, I ended up in an ambulance with my dad last night after a suspected stroke. Scan shows a large bleed on the brain & the prognosis is poor. He's been unresponsive for 24 hours & we're just waiting now. I think we're waiting for him to die but not entirely sure. Doc this morning indicated that he'd be unlikely to chat again. Find it difficult to ask blatant questions in response to 'prognosis isn't good' type statements. Flipping between numbness & grief. It's so different to the situation when losing my mum.

Can I please post here?

My DF has just been given a diagnosis of lung and liver cancer. I am absolutely devastated- he's my hero and I cannot cope with my life without him.

We don't know how long he has or if he can be treated for it. He's been unwell for weeks and blood results from the GP came back and he was sent to hospital. MRI scan showed a lesion on his lung and extensive metastasis in his liver. He was supposed to be having a liver biopsy but he's been discharged and is awaiting an appointment for that.

I'm trying to keep strong for my parents and the rest of my family but behind closed doors I'm a wreck and have been having trouble sleeping and eating. I don't know how I'm supposed to carry on normally going to work and living my life while all this is ongoing.

I fear the worst even though no one has officially told us that we should prepare for bad news.

@Bluemat I'm so sorry - what a shock for you all. My Dad just died from liver cancer, and it was 5 months approx from diagnosis to death. He was initially told around a year, and he had hepatocellular carcinoma (HCC) the most common kind of liver cancer. He only had one brief appointment with oncology and was then passed over to the palliative care team who were and remained amazing to the end.

It's a hard road to tread. Pace yourself, and it's very ok to fall apart behind closed doors

At the moment they think is primary lung secondary liver. He's had no signs of lung cancer at all. He was admitted to hospital because his LFT was off the scale, he has intense itching and jaundice. He'd been unable to eat and was vomiting after eating. He is so, so tired. I fear his liver cancer is advanced.

@buckeejit so very to hear about your dad. I lost my dad very suddenly a number of years ago. The feeling of numbness you describe is not easy, I hope you are doing okay.

@Bluemat sorry to hear your news. My mum was diagnosed with lung cancer with brain metastases 7 months ago, it has now also gone to her liver and she is receiving palliative care only. Also no symptoms of lung cancer, she was diagnosed due to neurological issues caused by the mets. My advice is to try and enjoy every good day your dad has, be prepared to listen carefully at each hospital appointment, get ready to use your voice and advocate for him, and make sure you have people to look after you.

I'm just so numb at the moment.
I've been off work since his diagnosis and I'm expected back tomorrow,. I honestly do not know how I will handle it and I also just want to be there for him and spend every minute I can with him.

@buckeejit so sorry to hear about your dad. I remember your earlier posts when your mum was dying (and my mum was dying of cancer the same time) and so much of what you said resonated with me. Especially the part about your siblings.

My dad also died of a stroke/brain bleed in 2015. It's very different kind of situation. Is your dad aware of what's happening? It was a great comfort to us that my dad was unaware. And his death was very peaceful and while awful for us it was ok for him. Unlike living with and dying from cancer.

But at the same time there is no good way and it is very shocking and traumatic.

There may well be hope for your dad to make a recovery and to have some more time so I hope that is the case for him.

I guess you just trust your instincts when dealing with the hospital staff. When you are ready to hear and process their answers you'll be ready to ask the questions. In the meantime all you can do is be there with him and for him .

Take care.

@Bluemat that sounds very similar to my Dad. He was unable to eat due to his liver stiffening up and pushing into his stomach, and he was horribly itchy/profusely sweating. His mobility went very quickly too. If you want to understand more about it, the British Liver Trust cancer website is an amazing source of information.. .livercanceruk.org/
and Cancer Research too www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/secondary-cancer/secondary-liver-cancer/about

@buckeejit how are things with your Dad? What a terrible shock for you for this to happen so suddenly.

Since he's been home he's actually managing to eat and keep food down which is good, don't know if hospital have him something to reduce liver swelling or not, he's not eaten properly in weeks.

Pressed send too soon.

His itching isn't really subsiding though and he's usually freezing all the time but I have heard him saying he's too hot - which he never says.

I just don't know how I begin to deal with any decline in him - in fact I don't know how to deal with any of this. My mum hasn't taken the news too well and I'm trying my best to support her too.

Cancer really buggers up your body thermostat. Dad was either boiling and throwing bedding/clothes off or freezing and had the heating on full choke.

@Bluemat I hope your dad is making progress & it's settling in your head a bit.

My dad died in the early hours of yesterday morning. My brother & I were with him & it was very peaceful.

Like you say @Focalpoint this has been easier in a lot of ways than my mum's illness & he knew nothing about what was happening which was happy for him. Having spent over a year grieving, it's almost difficult to find fresh grief at times. I will miss him so much but am so grateful that he didn't pull through as that would have meant a life of severe disability & high dependence. He wouldn't have wanted that & it would have been incredibly difficult for all the family to watch. We've a couple of days of visitors at his house. Normally I'm not overly keen on all the peopling but I can see the benefit of the visits & the tradition helping to process what's happened.

It's so sad that we have to worry about work when we've more important things to concern ourselves with.

@Badger1970 - Thankyou for sharing your experience with me. I just feel so numb, helpless and overwhelmed. It feels like a living nightmare while trying to just carry on as normal as well.

@buckeejit so sorry to hear about your dad but it is good (if that is the right word?) that he was unaware, it was relatively quick for him and you and that you could be there with him. Take care of yourself. It's hard when it's the second parent especially so soon after your mum.

@buckeejit I am so sorry to hear about your dad.

@buckeejit I'm so sorry for your loss I hope it's of some comfort that it was quick for him.

Thanks all. Grief, whether anticipatory or not, is so complicated & draining. Turns your world upside down & it's impossible to take a break from it. Been with my brothers at my parents house with visitors yesterday & today. More of the same tomorrow & think I'll want to make a small start clearing out the house a bit just for something different to do.

@Bluemat best of luck for work tomorrow. I hope it turns out to be a welcome distraction. My dad's funeral is Wed & I've decided to work Tuesday & Thursday 💚

I don't know how distracting it will be but I'm just going to have to try my best. He wants us all to carry on as normal and if he knows I've taken time away from work I think it will worry him, I also don't want to take time until I really need it.
Today was difficult I've been up and down all day emotionally, I just love him so much and can't believe in less than a week it's got to this

Thinking of you all today. All you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. Be kind to yourself and do what you can.