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Original poster

Thread for those who have a parent with cancer?

974 replies

Fhortu · 25/08/2021 13:50

I'm just wondering if there is a general one that I've missed, or, if not, if there's any interest in making one?
(I know there's Still the storm for people who have partners with terminal cancer.)

My mum was recently diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer, and I'm sure there are other people here struggling with a parent's diagnosis.

OP posts:
Badger1970 · 28/12/2022 21:11

@ButnotforLola that sounds awful, your poor Dad.

My Dad is moving from the hospice to a nursing home tomorrow. The Consultant thinks Dad could have 3 to 6 weeks at worst; 3 to 6 months at best. They can't and won't be more specific, but they've been amazing having Dad there for the best part of a month. He's incredibly weak and frail, and is moving by ambulance tomorrow with pain relief and sedation.

At the beginning of this month we thought it was time; now we've been given longer. And honestly, given Dad's lack of quality of life, I'm not sure it's a blessing. Feeling strangely down tonight over it all.

unicornsarereal72 · 29/12/2022 08:01

@Badger1970 you have been in my thoughts the last few days. Good to hear your dad has a place in a nursing home. It's a strange limbo when someone is so poorly there is very little quality of life but we don't want them to go.

@ButnotforLola I hope they can get to the bottom of things for your dad and he can bounce back.
We managed a big get together for Christmas which was nice. But very mixed emotions as it will be the last one with dad. His wife also said he wants to stop chemo. I can fully understand his reasoning but just a mixture to grief and emotions i'm still struggling to manage. Which of course is to be expected but I need to be able to function

Hope the new year brings everyone some peace sending everyone strength and love at such a difficult time.

Badger1970 · 29/12/2022 21:34

Dad's now in a nursing home.

I feel like the worst daughter in the world tonight.

unicornsarereal72 · 30/12/2022 10:36

@Badger1970 you are absolutely not. He has the care he needs right now. Staff around him 24/7. He will be looked after and you and family can go and be with him as family not carers. Don't feel guilty at all.

Badger1970 · 30/12/2022 13:17

My head knows he's in the right place but he was so bewildered and lost. He just wants to go home, but logistically we couldn't get a 4 visit care package to work before, district nurses are impossibly unreliable and my sister and I would have to share overnight care which neither of us could commit to long term. If they had said Dad had weeks, I think we could have tried but months is a whole other ball game. How utterly cruel this disease is Sad

unicornsarereal72 · 30/12/2022 19:27

You have made the right decision. He will soon settle once it all becomes familiar. You can go as often as you want and still be part of his support but will be well rested and fully present for him. Just remind me of this in a few months time when I'm busting a gut for my dad x

ButnotforLola · 30/12/2022 20:58

@Badger1970
Please don't feel like this.
Whilst we are talking about the worst subject in the world, I always find your posts comforting and helpful.
You talk about your Dad with such love and I'm sure he knows he is foremost in your heart and mind.
This is an utterly cruel disease. Thinking of you.

Badger1970 · 30/12/2022 21:55

They rang to say he'd had a fall tonight... he's OK but shaken. Didn't really need this to happen so soon in, but hopefully it means they'll be watching him better.

Thank you for your kind words.... I'm so sad we're all sharing this journey but incredibly grateful for the company Flowers

LittleBird74 · 09/01/2023 15:05

Hello, can I join in here please? Currently nursing my mum through her final days.

AnxietyLevelMax · 09/01/2023 21:38

@LittleBird74 i am so sorry to hear this. How are you coping?

Badger1970 · 09/01/2023 23:00

@LittleBird74 I'm sorry. Are you all coping alright and have got good support in place? it's a much tougher road than I could ever have imagined....

LittleBird74 · 10/01/2023 00:30

I have great support thankfully, both with the family and the various carers and nurses.

We only found out that she has very little time left 10 days ago, and got her home last weds.

I thought I was coping quite well but I’ve gone to bits in the last 24 hours. She’s become very agitated and restless and no matter what we do or say we can’t settle her down. She’s exhausted but fighting her sleep, the odd time she dozes off she’s constantly muttering to herself, she’s confused and argumentative. It is utterly heartbreaking to see and I’m really struggling with not being able to help her.
Sunday afternoon she was chatting and joking away with us then by the evening it was like a switch flipped and she totally changed.

Shes on a syringe driver and we’ve had the nurse over to give her extra doses of medication to try and settle her.

I just can’t believe this is happening to my poor mum. She’s never set a foot wrong in her life and it is totally unfair.

I will have a read back through the thread and catch up on your stories. I hope you’re both as ok as can be.

unicornsarereal72 · 10/01/2023 09:06

@LittleBird74 so sorry to hear about your mum. Thinking of you all. It's great you have good support around you. As hard as this is we need to be brave and be there for them. It sucks. My dad is pretty ok at the moment but I know this stage is coming and I'm not sure I'll be any help to him at all. Sending everyone lots of love.

DwightShrutesgirlfriend · 10/01/2023 11:06

@LittleBird74 sending you strength. I volunteer in a hospice and take comfort from the fact that the staff there reassure me that when the end is near the patient is almost always totally unaware. Still awful to watch though, and as my mum deteriorates, I'm trying to remind myself that she won't know what's going on. Flowers

Badger1970 · 10/01/2023 13:16

@LittleBird74 oh gosh it's so hard when they're agitated, my Dad often gets like it and because he's got liver failure the medication to calm him doesn't always work. I feel for you.

And you're right, it is unfair - cancer is unfair and equally the way that people have to die with it. You're among friends here Flowers

LittleBird74 · 10/01/2023 18:20

We ended up having a more settled night and morning but she’s getting agitated again and talking about all sorts of stuff that makes no sense to anyone but her. So hard to hear 😔

@Badger1970 I hope your dad is getting on ok in the nursing home.

@DwightShrutesgirlfriend that helps, thank you. Hope your mum is getting on ok.

@unicornsarereal72 glad to hear your dad is managing ok, long may it continue. You will surprise yourself when the time comes, you being there will be help enough. I didn’t think I’d be able to do it either but found it kind of comes naturally.

marlus · 16/01/2023 18:11

Can I join? We just heard this weekend that my dad very probably has a brain tumour. He’s over 82 and was visiting us for Xmas, he doesn’t live in the UK. He wasn’t doing well at all and we thought it was a UTI, but now it looks like that wasn’t all. He can walk a little, but doesn’t have good control of his left side at all, my brothers tell me. I’m flying over on Thursday, but not sure how best to divide my time between countries and my job, my kids, my dad.

Badger1970 · 16/01/2023 18:25

@marlus welcome to our club. It's a hard journey, for both your parent and yourself.

@LittleBird74 how is your Mum doing?

My Dad is unbelievably still holding on, in spite of no food or drink for nearly 2 weeks... he's skeletal, tired, and sleeping more but we're pacing ourselves for it to carry on a little longer. The palliative care consultant rang tonight and explained that Dad's following a normal path, which is of some consolation I guess.

LittleBird74 · 16/01/2023 20:46

@marlus im sorry you have to join this club. Sorry to hear about your dads possible diagnosis. Please do let us know how he is getting on and come back and keep talking to
us.

@Badger1970 mum is now totally unresponsive and it’s just a matter of time. We’ve been told to prepare ourselves for the past couple of days but she’s really hanging on in there. She’s pain free and comfortable though. It is heartbreaking and I’m not entirely sure I’ve really digested what is happening.

I hope your dad is comfortable. Are you able to have conversations with him? At least you know it’s all normal but it still makes it no easier to see your parent like this.

Badger1970 · 16/01/2023 21:05

@LittleBird74 he's not really engaging with us anymore, and when he does it tends to be gibberish. He thought he had seen a Shetland pony in his room today... he's either asleep or he's not really with it. We haven't had the syringe driver conversation yet but I don't think it's far off.

I'm glad to hear that your Mum is comfortable and not in pain. It's the best you can hope for at this stage. Look after yourself Flowers

ButnotforLola · 17/01/2023 00:08

Thinking of you all.

Dad's condition worsened over past few days and I'm currently with him in hospital.
He is on a syringe driver and the palliative team don't think it will be much longer.

My love to you and your families.

unicornsarereal72 · 17/01/2023 07:07

Thinking of you all at this awful time. You are all amazing people. Don't doubt that your parents don't see all you do. Just being with them is what they need right now.

I've not seen my dad for a few weeks now. Need to go this weekend. He is still up and about. We will know more next week after a scan.

Sending everyone strength and love.

Badger1970 · 17/01/2023 09:38

@ButnotforLola I'm sorry to hear about your Dad.

Sending strength and solidarity Flowers

This is a shit path to be going down your parents with. Utterly bloody shit.

marlus · 17/01/2023 20:34

Thanks for welcoming me - it’s very bittersweet. We heard today that my dad’s primary tumour is in his lungs, but the one in his brain is causing his symptoms. They’re going to look into the best options for him once they know what type of lung cancer he has, but it looks unlikely that he’ll have more than months… He’s very grateful for his full life and his family, but it’s all very emotional 😭.

sorry to hear about all your parents too. I’m from a country that has assisted dying, so that will be a decision that will need to be made at some point. Do you feel it would have been preferable to have that option for your parents?

Badger1970 · 17/01/2023 20:49

@marlus I would absolutely embrace assisted dying. Watching my poor Dad over the last 2 months has broken my heart, and he's living a meaningless poor existence.

Thankfully he was started on IV medication this afternoon, and I'm hoping that he's now going to be able to sleep his away out of this world in relative peace and ease.